Left to Love (The Next Door Boys) (17 page)

“No, I guess he wouldn’t.”

“So, hand washing, hair, ask you once in a while if you want something and if you’re headed to the kitchen I’m supposed to head you off and get it for you.”

“Wow. He was pretty thorough.”

“He’s just worried about you.” Josie’s head cocked to the side as she spoke.

“Yes he is.” Brian loved me, there was no denying or questioning it. The thought of it warmed me every time.

“So, Nathan, are you done with your show and can I read you some books before bed?” she asked.

“No, I want Leigh!” Nathan protested. His body slumped low as he turned around.

“How about we read out here with Leigh and then you can show me where you sleep.” Josie
started to bargain.

Josie helped him pick out pajamas and we all read together on the couch. He happily followed her to his room and I could hear him showing her the sketchbook his dad had done for him.
All things I should have done.

“So now what?” Josie asked as she stepped into the living room from the hallway.

“Well, I’d love a glass of water and a yogurt, this way you can honestly report back to Brian that you got me something.” I smiled.

“Okay.” She disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a water and yogurt for each of us.

We chatted very specifically about anything not involving me being sick. After my short snack and trying to keep up with a seventeen year old’s conversation pace, I could feel myself sinking lower into the couch.

“I think you’ve filled your purpose.” I set my yogurt cup on the coffee table.

“I guess so. We didn’t really talk about how long I was supposed to stay.” She pulled her out her phone to check the time.

“I’m probably off to bed so it’s about to get pretty boring around here.”

“Okay. Well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at church.” She got up and headed toward the door. “I still can’t believe you don’t have any hair.”

I grabbed my head and attempted a smile. “Yeah. Me either. It sucks.”

“See ya.”

“Thanks for babysitting, Josie.” I waved as she walked out the door. At her age I was finishing high school. I’d already started having symptoms of cancer, but hadn’t realized it yet. She looked so young, too young to deal with something so life changing.

I’d felt old at eighteen, like an adult dealing with what felt like an adult disease. I didn’t feel that way anymore. I felt impossibly young, years and years of life with Brian and Nathan to look forward to… unless those years
were taken from me. I
choke
d
back a sob.

I stood up from the couch, needing to stretch or move or do something to leave that horrible thought behind. But part of me knew that thought would be my companion for a while –
no matter what I wanted
.

FOURTEEN

Sunday

“Leigh, we’re almost ready for church.” Brian poked his head into the bathroom.

I stood in front of the mirror trying to decide whether or not to put on my wig. It matched the bright blond my hair had been before the first round of chemo treatments. No one in Provo but Jaron had seen me with hair that color. It just felt silly. And the thing was so itchy.

“What’s the matter?” Brian’s large hand rested on my shoulder.

“You know last time I was sick I either pretended I wasn’t sick or I hid underneath my wig. I don’t want to do that.” I bit my lip, unsure of how to continue. “Would it be weird, or would you mind…”

“Ye-es
?” He gave
me his best smirk. The one that said, ‘I know you’re about to say something silly or ridiculous.’

“Would it be weird if I just went like this? Without my wig?”

“Would it be weird if I went without mine?” He took my two hands and put them on his bald head. Even after just a day I could feel the stubble. Mine would be smooth until the mess was over.

“Thank you.” Our faces were already close, I brushed my lips against his and he slid his arms around me.

“You are the bravest, strongest person I know.” His low voice sent shivers through me. “You
ready?”

“Since I don’t have any hair to worry about, yeah.” He laced his fingers through mine and led me out the door.

- - -

We sat in the last regular row on the right side, the doors into the hallway open just behind us. I wanted to be near a door in case I felt sick and needed to leave. I sat on the outside, Brian sat next to me, and Nathan took the inside of the pew next to the wall.

I felt grateful for the people who stopped to offer support, but they were all a blur. I tried to focus instead on the spirit in the room.

I pulled a hymnbook onto my lap to look through. At every point in my life when I had a hard time reading scriptures, I’d read hymns. About two minutes before the meeting started I felt someone kiss the top of my head. I looked up startled at one of the young men, Matt. He set a loaf of bread next to me
on the bench
.

I couldn’t stop staring at his bald head. I tried to pull up the corners of my mouth to smile, realizing he must have done it for me. I watched him, amazed at his gesture, take his seat in the front to get ready to pass sacrament. Brian smiled as Matt looked to the back of the chapel. Just after Matt sat down, I felt another kiss on my head.

“Glad you made it today, Sister Wright.” Shawn. Also, with no hair. I almost couldn’t smile. I didn’t know if I’d be able to speak. He walked to the front and sat next to Matt.

Another kiss on the back of my head. “Hope you’re able to keep coming.” Jonathan walked by with
his bald head and found his seat. I knew there were other people in the chapel, but I didn’t see anyone but the three boys who had done so much. I couldn’t take a deep breath.

By now many people in the ward had turned. I looked behind me to see a row of young men on their way in the meeting hall. Every single one with a shaved head. Every single one had done it for me. Tears flowed freely down my face now. There was no hiding it. Each one kissed my head before they walked in to take their seat.

“Thank you,
” I whispered over and over. Continually wiping my eyes. I looked over at Brian. “Did you know about this?” I asked. He shook his head no. He touched the outside corners of his eyes, wiping tears. I looked around at the members of the ward smiling and dabbing their eyes. Love had filled the room and spilled over.

Our bishop got up to start the meeting. “I’m glad it’s not fast and testimony today,” he said as he pulled a tissue out of the tissue box at the podium, “I don’t think we have enough tissue.” We chuckled with him. “But before we start our meeting I want you all to know that love and prayers can carry a person through anything and that I can’t imagine anyone more deserving of our love and prayers than our Sister Wright and her family.”

Brian let go of my hand to put his arm around me so I could lean on him. “Love you, Leigh,” he whispered it quietly in my ear.

“Love you, Bri,” I managed to whisper. I didn’t know what happened through the rest of the meeting—I didn’t remember. I was absolutely overwhelmed with the love and generosity of the boys in our ward. I looked around at the bald heads scattered throughout the chapel after the sacrament was passed.

“You look tired.” Brian’s lips touched my ear as he spoke.

I nodded.

“Let’s get you home.” I leaned into him, into his warmth and comfort. Brian was doing good. As much as I hated to leave after only sacrament, I wanted the rest.

- - -

I lied in bed a couple of days later when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

“Yeah?” I needed help out of here anyway.

I smiled at Jaron as he came in. I was getting really good at my game face. He sat down on my bed.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“Of course.”

“I just didn’t want to jostle you if you weren’t feeling well.”

“I’m good.” I nodded and swallowed once to make sure I wasn’t lying.

“It’s kind of funny. Last year I was asking Brian to check on you and this year, he’s asking me.”

“That
is
kind of funny, and I will tell you what I told both of you last year. I don’t need to be babysat.”

“I’m going to break the rules,” Jaron warned.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“I know that last time I was your safe person. I think Nathan is taking my place. With all the games and shows you two to do together.” He looked down at his hands for a minute and then looked up at me. “How are you, Leigh?” he asked. “You don’t have that same peaceful spirit around you as last time.”

I smiled weakly. I’d have to do better.

“It’s like game face.”

I should have known that Jaron would see through me. He’d known me for too long.

“Are you worried?” he asked.

“Of course I’m worried.” I tried to keep my face even, my body relaxed.

“You’ll be okay,” he tried to say it with authority.

“You remember our definitions are slightly different.” Jaron and I had had this big talk last year about how I’d always known I’d be okay. I had known it; I just hadn’t known if I would survive the sickness or not. ‘I’m okay’ was my safe answer. It made the people around me feel better and it had been true. Whether I lived or died, I’d be okay. I’d gone into the first round strong. I shouldn’t have worried at all the last time. This felt different.

Jaron nodded.

I thought about Brian and Nathan. “I don’t want to watch Brian do this with me anymore. It’s not fair to
him.” I took a breath. “I have so much more to lose, Jaron…” I quickly wiped away a tear, hoping he wouldn’t notice.

“You were married in the temple Leigh…” he started to say.

“I know. Time and Eternity. But I want
now
Jaron. I want this life so bad and… I fell in love with Nathan first.”

Jaron nodded. “Have you talked to Brian about this?”

“Have you seen his face Jaron? He’s trying hard, but…” I shook my head.

“Leigh, I don’t know how you feel. I honestly just keep feeling like you’re fine.” I wondered if he was trying to convince himself or me.

“Thanks brother.”

“Love you, little sis.”

“Love you.”

Some days it felt good to be watched over, and other days it was irritating. I hadn’t decided yet about today.