Leopard Dreaming (32 page)

She raised her hand, warning him to stay back anyway, while fighting another memory that burst to the surface. Ahead of her stood the tree where Lockman had caught her a week beforehand, saving her from going in after Ben by herself. Heat signatures had warned him that two prisoners were subdued inside by Kitching’s money launderers, but it was only after Lockman had gone in with his team, neutralised the situation, and interrogated survivors about Ben’s relocation to the cargo ship along with Tarin that they had sufficient information to finally rescue him. The two heat signatures that showed as prisoners had only been decoys; two more of Greppia’s men who’d come ashore to play the parts of the injured.

Tears distorted Mira’s vision, but she clamped her eyes shut and swept them away before she could get any glimpse of the future. ‘Why didn’t you tell me what they did to her? Those animals cut off her hand!’

Lockman sighed heavily. ‘I didn’t tell you because you needed somewhere safe and familiar to live until the Chirons were discharged from hospital. Tactically defensive. And I didn’t think you’d ever try to see what happened in there.’

‘I didn’t
try
. It just happened! No wonder Ben couldn’t stand coming back here!’

‘Remounting the horse,’ Lockman replied. ‘Good on him for trying. While you were busy in there, Gabby found the discharge slip with two notes from
his specialists, both recommending against it. So she’s still inside, calling the hospital to see if they re-admitted him.’

Remounting the horse. Mira rolled her eyes. Typical Ben. He’d taught her how to confront each of her own fears in turn, and set them free to become free herself. All but one, which refused to go. Her fear that freedom wouldn’t satisfy her deepest desire. To be loved; a demon of a different colour. Starving beast that it had become, it stirred again deep inside her, aching to be touched and fully awakened.

She shivered at the idea, trying to tell herself that all she really wanted was a home of her own. Starting and keeping a relationship with Ben had proven much harder than she’d expected. She doubted she could return to his living room, no matter how much he coached her.

‘Want your shades?’ Lockman asked.

Mira let out a long slow breath, feeling safe enough for now in the forest. ‘I’m never going back in there.’

‘I didn’t ask you to.’

She offered her hand to receive the hues, but he shifted forward at the same time and her hand found his chest instead of the glasses. She felt his heart pounding inside his ribs, suggesting he wasn’t nearly as calm as his voice suggested. And she could hardly blame him, considering he’d seen the aftermath of the carnage first-hand. Even caused some of it.

‘You should have stopped me going in, Lieutenant. You should have warned Gabby to stay out too.’

‘And have you hate me for that as well?’

‘I don’t hate you. I just —’ Rubbing her forehead, she wished the pain would ease up long enough for her to figure it out for herself. ‘Right now, all I feel is guilt. Everywhere I go, I keep making a mess. If not for me, your partner would still have her hand. Ben and Maddy would be safely at home, and Colonel Kitching
wouldn’t be reunited with his brother, the fortune-telling psychopath.’

‘Frankly, I’d be more worried if you turned your talent against me.’

‘But Tarin Sei was your partner. It must have been bad in there for you too, knowing what they did to her.’

‘Bad that those animals didn’t suffer enough perhaps. You don’t need to fear that bunch any more.’

She nodded, somehow comforted by the thought of them all dead — until she realised that only a monster could soothe itself with such a gruesome concept. ‘Did you have no feelings at all going in a second time? Is that what it’s like being a soldier?’

‘That’s not what I meant. What do you think I am, a robot?’

‘Of course not, but the training must help, surely.’

‘If you have any doubts about my state of mind — then or now — you can put on those hues and see for yourself.’

‘I am
not
going back in that house!’

‘You don’t have to. Do it right here, right now under our tree.’

‘
Our
tree?’ She shook her head vehemently. ‘The rest of that day is still a huge shadowy blur to me, and I much prefer to keep it that way. Besides, I have to find Ben. There’s still time before we need to make the rendezvous with Kitching, and I intend to make the most of every minute.’

Lockman caught her by the shoulder, his tone hardening. ‘This may be your only chance to see the real me. Is that not worth anything to you?’ He let her go, leaving her to make her choice without pressure, his hand pausing only to brush the unruly lock of hair from her cheek. ‘Would it make any difference if I asked
please
?’

Her lips parted in surprise. In all the time she’d known him, he’d never made a single personal request
of her. She needed him to hunt Kitching, and he needed her to pick up the trail. That was it, and yet she
was
curious about that other side of him.

Sliding the shades further up her nose, she scrolled time forward a few hours from yester-week violet, looking for the colonel, until night and the fateful storm closed in around her. She saw her own ghost appear, running through the forest first; stumbling towards her from deeper inland. A blurry Mirage. The name always seemed to suit her so much better when she looked back through time at herself.

The ghostly wind whipped her wet hair and blasted the violet canopy in violent bursts, causing branches to fall as fresh tripping hazards, while thrashing her yester-face with leafy branches and the quickening rain. Mirage scrambled over a fallen log and fell into muddy sand, and the ghostly forest, like the memory, seemed to darken. At the time, she’d been circling around Ben’s home, avoiding the road to dodge Lockman and the other soldiers who’d been coming ashore that night; by making it to the house ahead of them and trading herself for Ben, she’d hoped to get him out safely before any of them started shooting.

A wallaby trail made the going easier. Mirage turned onto it, and bolted straight for the tree where Mira now stood, waiting. Mira side-stepped, letting Mirage hug the tree to listen for pursuers, but a ghostly hand appeared over Mirage’s shoulder and another gripped her mouth as Lockman’s spectre appeared around the tree, having beaten her to it from another direction.

Mira startled again now as she had then, but now that she could see him, she noticed he looked just as worried as she had at the time. He spun her against his chest and hugged her, with his hand over her mouth, while he craned his neck and listened to be sure they were safe. She hadn’t cried out or struggled.
She’d been able to tell it was him from his touch and the salty smell of his skin, sweating lightly then as he was now.

What will it take?
he’d whispered, against her ear, but then he’d hugged her tighter against the tree until a ghostly foot patrol passed nearby on the road.

Let me go in,
she’d pleaded when he finally eased his grip on her.
If he’s not inside, I need to know where they took him.

If I clear the house first, will you wait out here, where it’s safe?
He kept his grip on her shoulders, but grimaced as if it hurt him to do it.

I’m not an invalid!
she’d argued.
I don’t care if I die trying to save him!

Mira,
he pleaded, as if she’d injured him.
I do
. He tilted her chin up with such a pained expression it hurt her now to look at him.

Blind to him at the time, she’d only noticed that he sounded relieved at finding her before any of Greppia’s goons had made his job more difficult. In yester-week’s forest, he’d been little more than empty air to her — no more than a bodyguard forced on her by General Garland.

He seemed far more real to her now. With his hand on her shoulder, he guided her gently until her back overlaid in time — then as now — against the tree again and, mesmerised, she let him.

Mira took her place with Mirage, in time for his ghost to stroke her cheek. She felt Lockman take his place inside his ghost too and a tingling heat rose up in response to his nearness. Like magic, he brushed a splash of ghostly mud from her face and for the first time since losing her sight, she saw someone touching her at the same time she felt him.

He pulled her closer to him, just as he had that day in the downpour; his rain-soaked chest looking every bit as steamy then as it felt now.

Mirage had closed her eyes, better able to see him in her mind as she tried to read his expression with her hands, but this time Mira kept her eyes open, still entranced by his ghostly gaze and the way his rugged features seemed to soften; so tough and yet so vulnerable. She’d never seen a look of such heartache on a man; his eyes holding hers across time, as if he’d always hoped this moment would come, while also fearing it.

Timidly, she reached up to check his expression now, and found his face creased with the same lines of worry.

‘Don’t …’ She paused, stung by guilt. ‘Please don’t let me be the cause of any more pain.’ She rubbed her thumbs against his temples, trying to ease the strain of his brow, but causing him to tilt outside his ghost as he nuzzled against her hand. Too soon. She wished the magic wouldn’t end yet. With both hands, she cupped his head and drew him gently back into place, guiding him, until she realised his ghostly lips were drawing nearer to hers. She saw his eyes close — so unexpected, as if he needed to imagine himself with someone else too, just as she had that day, imagining herself with Ben.

His real lips touched hers then too, gently at first, while his arms engulfed her, and she felt safe from the world again. History repeating itself, the same but different — only this time decidedly better. His kiss became so much more than a kiss. His hands teased her hair, setting her skin aflame. No more pain. Guilt and fear rose instead, along with her ghostly hand to push him away — Ben and Maddy both seemed so near and still needing her — but as his lips pursued hers again, he seemed more desperate than forceful. More caring than manipulative. Flames of desire licked up from deep within her, and she longed to consume as much of his forbidden touch as she could get from him.

She returned his kiss shyly at first, but still yearning for more, no longer caring if she returned a little of the raw pleasure he was giving to her. She sensed him fighting his own inner demon again, holding it back from her. Shifting her hands down, exploring inside his jacket, she found his sidearm holstered, making him seem all the more dangerous, but he broke free; his breath rasping.

‘Who do you see?’ he demanded. ‘Right now — him or me?’

‘Who do you think?’ She tried to draw his face back down to her, pull him back inside his yester-ghost, but he resisted. Running her hand across his chest, she found his heart beating wildly inside his ribs, as if he had a demon of fear too, and she wondered how he could ever manage to control it. Hers champed too wildly to be tamed.

‘Tell me!’ he demanded.

‘You! Only you.’ The words escaped her before she realised it and relief came with the confession, surprising her. She cupped his face again with both hands and trailed her fingers lightly over his skin, trying to read him. His expression softened beneath her touch and she felt him weaken again, still fighting his own inner beast until he gave in and kissed her. Passion unleashed between them, and they took each other with an energy that would leave their light to linger through time forever.

Too soon, she saw his ghost pull away, leaving Mirage breathless, but the woman Mira had become was now desperate. Closing her eyes to keep the magic alive in her mind, she clung to Lockman and felt her final fear release. Her deepest demon burst free.
She
was free. She became one with him, exploring him, melting and growing together as never before, and only then did she realise he’d still been holding back on her. She felt a surge of strength and primal passion
from within him that made her desire for him go feral. Time burst in stars and fireworks until each quelled the other, and when he broke free eventually, he did so tenderly, trailing smaller kisses around her throat to her ear.

You’re amazing,
whispered his ghost, while his warm hand silently straightened the delicate strap of her sundress.

‘You’re amazing.’ His voice cracked now as it had then, only this time she could see the emotion behind it, and seeing it made all the difference. At last she recognised what her heart had been struggling to tell her all along. His dark ghostly eyes held hers across time, imploring her silently to return his love. Real love, wholehearted. She caressed his face again, confirming the same expression, but still she doubted herself. She couldn’t understand how anyone could want her, least of all Lockman who seemed man enough to have any woman he wanted. She felt as lost and confused now as she’d ever been, and exploring the firm set of his jaw, she found warm tears amidst the ghostly rain.

‘Oh, Adam …’ Biting her lip, she barely knew what else to say. In caring for Ben so much, she’d never realised how badly she’d been hurting him. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t,’ he whispered huskily. ‘Not now. Don’t tell me you can’t.’

Mirage touched her lips, where the delicious taste of him still lingered, while Mira gazed at him too, feeling every bit as stunned, but for different reasons.

You have to stay here,
he’d pleaded, caressing her hair.

‘You’re my greatest weakness,’ he whispered against her ear, and while his yester-ghost gulped, as if struggling to recompose himself as a professional soldier, the real Lockman made no further attempt. ‘My heart is in your hands.’

I still have to go in there and do whatever it takes to bring him back to you …
His ghost pushed himself to arm’s length of her, while she clung to the real man, knowing she had no hope of holding him if he chose to pull away again.
I need to know you’re safe … or I’ll fail you.
Then his ephemeral body swung away and was gone as silently as he’d come, leaving Mira feeling desolate, despite the strong invisible arms that still engulfed her.