Letting You Know (27 page)

“
And
do you?” He didn't blink, his body stiff and still.

“
It's—it
isn't easy. But I think I'm starting to get it.” Biting my lip,
feeling the cracks from the dry winter air, I sighed. “When I
saw how Dad spoke to you today, when you got back from the
hospital... it made me wonder if I'd ever seen him snap at you
before.”

“
What
do you mean?”

“
I
mean, I could feel how disappointed he was with you.” Meeting
his curious gaze, I saw his flicker of confusion. “It's the way
he's been with me my whole life.”

“
So,
you saw him get pissed at me over doing something pretty stupid.”
Shrugging, he dug his boot into the ground.

Inhaling
deeply, I gave the tire swing a squeeze. “I'm trying to explain
this. The root of everything, Nicholas. I think I get it now, because
of that.”

I
think I do finally understand.

My
brother had made a small hole in the earth before he finally looked
up at me. “Tell me that you understand why you've been so awful
to me, subconsciously or not, our whole lives.”

“
It
wasn't our whole lives,” I mumbled, giving the swing a shove.
It spun, creaking on the thick branch above. “It was only after
I started to see the way Dad was disappointed in
me
.
Once that began... when the divide of not living his life how he
wanted me to started up... that was when he began focusing on you.”
It was hard to look at Nicholas as I spoke, to see the disbelief in
his emerald orbs. “That was when I started to become jealous of
you, I guess.”

“
Jealous
of
me?
”
He spat, laughing dubiously. “You're kidding! Deacon, I've been
trying to get you to just respect me as a person as long as I can
remember. You never acknowledged me, never told me I was good at
anything. I was struggling forever to get good grades, working hard
to impress everyone. And there you were,” he said, rubbing his
good hand through his hair. “There you were, naturally just
good at everything.”

“
Everything
except getting Dad's approval,” I responded, my lips making a
hard line. “Everything except getting the girl I loved to love
me back. But you, Nicholas, you got both of those things.”

He
stared at me, gawking. Guilt I had never seen turned his neck
crimson, matching his nose from the cold. “I didn't—I
never—”

“
It
isn't something to feel bad over,” I said quickly, taking a
step closer to him. “It was never... I never even knew how bad
it bothered me. Not till now, anyway. I'm pretty stupid not to
understand what I was doing to you, aren't I?”

Nicholas
was silent, taking in the sight of me like he was seeing me for the
first time. Then, a small grin broke across his face. It was as
breakable as glass, but it was there. “Yeah, you're a bit
stupid, I guess.”

Laughing,
I tilted my head back. Something cold bit my skin, causing me to look
into the heavy clouds above.

Touching
my face, I felt the drop of wetness. “It's starting to snow.”

“
Finally,”
he said, looking up as well. “It took long enough.”

Yes,
I
thought curiously,
some
things take time, I guess.

Together,
we watched the flakes of white begin to tumble down. They were soon
filling the air; a beautiful, if haunting sight.

Shivering,
I hugged myself hard, looking back into his eyes. “Nicholas,
listen. I'm really sorry about everything. That night, I got so
angry—that isn't me, I don't... I didn't...”

“
It's
nothing,” he said, shrugging like he meant it. “A little
bit of rough housing. Who doesn't get angry from time to time?”

Me,
I don't want to get angry like that. Not in front of Leah... not at
all. Ever.

“
By
the way,” he said, reaching into his pocket. In his palm, he
held a red cell phone, snow flakes trying to alight on the surface.
“What was this all about?”

“
What
do you mean?” I asked, flushing nervously at the reveal.

“
I
mean,” he scoffed, arching an eyebrow. “What's the point
of giving me the gift you were going to give your girlfriend?”

My
amazement was obvious. “How did you...”

“
Unlike
you,” he grinned, “I'm not so stupid. Come on, I did go
with you to the store that day. This wasn't meant for me, was it?”

“
No,”
I admitted, hanging my head sheepishly. “No, it wasn't.”

When
he tossed it to me, I almost dropped it on the damp ground. “Give
it to her, I don't need it. I haven't seen her with a phone, though,
so maybe she could use it.”

Unsure
what else to do, I stuck it in my coat pocket. It was hard to believe
that the tension between my brother and myself was fading away,
melting like the new snow.

I
moved quick, wrapping him in a sudden, hard hug. He made a small
noise of surprise, his good arm pinned to his side. “Deacon,
come on, it's not that big of a deal.”

“
I'm
not hugging you because of the phone, idiot,” I said quietly,
shutting my eyes.

Nicholas
went tense, then limp against me. For a long moment, we stood there,
embracing by the tire swing that hung silently in the night.

How
could I not notice, for all these years, that I was jealous of him.
He just wanted me to see him, to respect him, and all I gave him was
indifference. Or worse, animosity.

Letting
him go, I stepped back, noticing how uncomfortable he looked. It made
me smile; made me feel, for once, like an actual older brother. “So,”
I said, drawing the word out. “You really love that girl, do
you?”

He
didn't hesitate, his eyes razors on me. “Yes, I do. I really
do.”

“
You
guys look good together.”

“
Deacon,
you really don't care about the fact that her and I...?”

“
No,”
I shook my head, smiling lightly. “I want you to be happy,
and... I'd like Bethany to be happy, too. I could never be the person
to her that you are, I just didn't understand that. Not till
recently.”

“
What
made you realize that?” He asked, tilting his head. He asked
the question as if he knew the answer already.

Thinking
of how he had been there, watching me the moment I had understood
what I felt for Leah. He must have seen it easily.

“
Not
what,” I said, my voice almost cracking. “Who.”

He
smiled, looking to the side as his arm tried to block a gust of
biting wind. “She's lucky, having you in her corner.”

“
It's
funny, she seems to think she has horrible luck, actually.”

“
Can
I... can I ask what happened to her?”

That
gave me pause, my eyes narrowing on his concerned face. “What
do you mean?”

“
Sorry,
Mom talked to me about the marks on her throat.”

My
expression must have become irritated, Nicholas was poised like I
might do something drastic. “Easy, Deacon. I told her I had no
clue, and I won't tell her anything, I promise. But something
obviously went down... you can see it in that girl's eyes.”

It's
true, her wounds are obvious beyond the ones healing on the surface.
They peek through her, if you're paying attention.

Sighing,
I pushed my shoulders into my ears, shivering in the chill. “It's
a long story. I'd rather not go into it, but... trust me, she hasn't
had it easy.”

“
Is
that why you guys won't be visiting her family for Christmas?”

“
I—why
would we...”

“
I
mean,” he said, lamenting out loud, “it just seems sad,
to me, that she wouldn't want to see them. Even with all the stuff
we've been through, between us and our own parents, I still would
feel terrible not seeing them for the holidays.”

That...
is he right? I wonder if Leah... if she actually would want to see
them, and just isn't saying it? Why hide that from me?

Biting
my tongue, I decided against going down this line of conversation
without my girlfriend there to take part. “Let's get back, this
snow is really coming down.”

Nicholas
said no more. He followed me through the frost, our steps leaving
prints that lined up on the winter ground.

****

By
the lack of sounds in the kitchen, I assumed everyone else had
already headed up to their rooms for bed. Kicking snow off our boots,
we both found Bethany sitting on the sofa seconds later. She was
sipping tea, those blue eyes happy to see us.

Instantly,
though, that look shifted to confusion. “Where's Leah?”
Sitting up, she tried to look behind us.

Baffled,
I twisted, staring into the empty hall. “What do you mean?
Isn't she upstairs?”

“
No,”
Bethany answered, wrinkling her nose. “She told me she was
going to look for you, actually. I just assumed you guys would be
together, weren't you hanging out just outside?”

Spinning,
I stomped back towards the front door, looking for what I already
knew wouldn't be there.

Leah's
coat, as well as her boots, were gone.

“
Deacon?”
Nicholas asked, following me a few steps. “Deacon, what are
you—”

“
I
have to go find her,” I snapped, not looking back as I grabbed
the door knob. “She's out in the snow, Nicholas. She doesn't
know this area. If she went to find us, she...”

“
It's
okay,” he said, serious and intense. “Go look for her.
Call me if you need anything, otherwise, I'm coming out to find you
in fifteen minutes.”

Pausing,
the cold air washing in as I cracked the door, I stared over my
shoulder at him. “Please, don't tell anyone else. I don't need
them worrying.”

“
I
won't,” he assured me. “Now, go already.”

Gritting
my teeth, I vanished out into the blur of white.

The
world was buzzing with icy specks, blocking much of my vision.