Letting You Know (24 page)

No,
it's over already. It was over long before this, and I just never saw
it.

“
Why
did you bother to come here?” I asked, stopping to stand beside
a bus stop bench.

She
hesitated, looking like she was tasting her words carefully. “I
thought you deserved me doing this in person.”

“
You
could have saved yourself some money, and me some trouble, by
calling. I wouldn't have cared.” It was a horrible lie. It
would have been impossible not to care. It would have hurt even more,
perhaps.

Bethany
bit the inside of her cheek, looking down at her hands, fidgeting.
“It didn't seem right. That's all.”

“
'Right'?
What seems
right
to you? Why are you doing this to me?”

“
Deacon...”

Squeezing
my eyes closed, I twisted away, battling with fury and sadness all at
once. “Was I really just not good enough for you?”

“
You
don't want these answers, Deacon.”

“
Oh,
but I do,” I snapped, eyeing her over my shoulder. She was
watching me, that lovely face contorting with despair.

Stop!
You're not the victim here!

She
reached out to touch me. Quickly, I moved away, trying to soothe the
guilt that flared as she flinched. “Tell me,” I said.
“Tell me what I did wrong, at least.”

“
Nothing!”
Lifting her hands, she seemed lost. “You didn't—I'm not
judging you, nothing like that. I just don't think you're...”

“
What?
What am I not? Not rich enough, not talented enough?”

“
Stop
it,” she said, low and seething. She wasn't amused by me, but
the pain in my core burned too much to let me care. It was all I
could focus on.

If
I let myself feel anything but sour resentment, I would fall apart.

“
Bethany,
I've done everything for you. Isn't that obvious? How is that not
enough?”

Her
gold hair flashed when she shook her head. “I'm telling you, it
isn't that. Can't you let it be? Why do you want me to rake you over
the coals?”

“
I
need to know what I did wrong!”

I
need to know why I'm not good enough.

Why
I'm never good enough for anyone.

Not
my parents, and now, not you.

My
thoughts were almost as bad as my reality.

She
hung her head, hiding herself behind a yellow wall. “I won't.
Leave it alone, Deacon.”

“
I
need to know—”

“
Fine!
Fine already!” She whipped her head up, blue eyes blazing at
me. “You need to know so badly? The distance, it's too hard! I
can't keep paying to come out here, and I don't want to live here,
either. Don't you get that? Isn't it obvious by now? I hate that you
want to live here, Deacon. This place isn't me. LA isn't me, and I
don't
want
it to be!” The fury that was there, hints I had seen through
the years, soon melted.

Her
sadness was worse than her anger.

Tears
fell down in rivulets, dancing to the ground. Wiping her face,
Bethany looked straight at me. The pleading expression cut deep,
eroded the anger I had built up.

“
What
if—what if I moved back home?” I begged, my voice
straining. “Is that where you want to live? I could maybe do
that, just... just go back, and...”

“
No,
Deacon. I don't want that either. It's more than just the distance,
but... Let it rest at that,” she whispered. “Please.”

I
couldn't say anything. I was scared if I opened my mouth, tried to
speak, I'd only join her tears with my own.

Hugging
myself, I began the walk back towards my apartment. Bethany waited
before following, her steps soft, skittish.

This
is really it,
I
thought.
It's
over. Tomorrow, I'll take her to the airport, and that will be that.

She's
leaving me, and I don't even understand why.

She
doesn't want me to move back, she doesn't want to try and work on
this. Was it even possible to make this successful in the first
place? Or was it...

Was
it just because of who I am?

I'd
loved her more than anything. I still did, right then. Nothing was
worse than this, I was convinced of that. To want someone so fully,
and in the end, to be rejected...

I
was terrified of ever experiencing such a thing again.

Six
Months Later

It
was a startling realization.

Whatever
imagined spite I had created, an agenda for Bethany to have where she
hated me, or worse, Leah... it didn't exist.

I'd
made it up, and understanding that filled me with a wash of confusing
pleasure.

I
was making her into some awful person, just to handle being around
her. What she did to me hurt, it hurt terribly, but... but it doesn't
even matter.

I
don't love Bethany anymore, I know that. But it isn't because of what
she did to me, it isn't because she broke my heart.

I
don't love her anymore, because I...

Because
I...

Leah
looked at me, her teeth sparkling in the glow of the white weather.
She'd been unaware of the silent exchange I'd had with Bethany, of my
tumble down memory lane that left me feeling like I understood
everything, now.

Her
laugh was so real, so clear, it sank into me and took hold. It filled
up a place I had been struggling with for several days, ever since I
had finally become aware of it.

I
knew it then, standing beside Leah; across from the sad face of
another girl I had once thought I'd move the world for.

This
was something else, something stronger. Something vibrant and
powerful that made me question so much about myself.

Something
that made me understand my emotions and what they really meant.

I
looked into Leah's eyes, saw her watching me,
seeing
me
in a way no one ever had before.

In
that moment, I knew without a doubt...

I
loved her.

I
loved Leah with every fiber of my soul.

“
What's
up?” She said, a flash of uncertainty marring her expression.
“Did I do something weird?”

Shaking
my head, I relaxed my body, reaching for her hand. Such a sudden,
overt sign of affection in front of my brother and Bethany made her
flush pink. “No, not at all.”

“
Everything
is really okay?”

“
Yeah,”
I said, my smile reaching my eyes. “Everything is just
perfect.”

Nicholas
was observing us, only slightly stealing the joy out of my moment
with his scrutiny. He was clearly wondering what had happened, what
unspoken thing had occurred while we had all been standing there in
such idleness.

Let
him wonder,
I
thought to myself,
I
don't care what he thinks right now.

It
was the truth. I didn't care what anyone else thought about my
feelings for Leah. I knew what they were now, I could sink into the
comfort of understanding the deep emotion of love.

I
love her, I love her more than anything. Let everyone see, let them
say what they want. It won't change how I feel.

Only
one person could honestly have affected my feelings on the matter.
That person was right in front of me, looking lost and unsure over my
sudden display.

She's
the only one who matters... I love her, but it still comes down to
letting her know that. Letting her know, and hoping she feels the
same.

The
idea that she might not was one I refused to consider as we stood
together in that cold winter air.

****

“
What
are those?” Leah asked as we were driving back across the
fields.

All
of us looked out the windows, spotting a series of trees dotting the
ground. They were almost leafless; small, round things hanging down
from the branches and littering the ground.

“
That's
a pecan tree,” my grandfather said.

“
A
pecan tree?” Leah asked, emphasizing the 'pee' part of the
word.

Everyone
gave a little laugh, making her look around in confusion. “Did
you just call those 'pee-cans'?” I asked, “It's a pecan,
peh-cahn.”

Frowning
tightly, she wrinkled her forehead. “Huh. I always called them
pecans. Like pecan pie?”

That
set everyone into another fit of giggles and laughs, including my
grandfather. Leah was blushing, but she smiled with us in good humor.

Sometimes
her accent came out, and when it did, I honestly loved it.

I
might just love everything about her.

“
Did
you want to go see?” Grandaddy asked, already steering the
truck across the rough terrain. Leah nodded quickly, staring back out
the window as we pulled up.

Leah
was quick to jump out of the vehicle, her boots crunching on the
ground. “Are these shells? Can you eat these things, just like
this?”

“
Yup,”
my grandfather said, digging in the truck. He offered her a small
coffee can, motioning to the earth. “All of 'em that are whole
and not rotten, just scoop those up. We'll mix 'em up with some salt
and cinnamon, real good.”

Her
eyes went big and round at the idea. Eagerly, Leah began crouching in
the grass, picking up the tiny hard ovals. Amused, I followed beside
her, grabbing them as well. “He's right, they do taste really
good like that.”

“
The
best ones are usually on the branches still,” Nicholas said,
kicking at the dirt. “Most of these have worm holes in them.
Come on,” he said, motioning to the blonde girl. “Let's
go check the base of those bigger trees.”