Letting You Know (19 page)

Leah
pushed her hair behind her ears, then turned, exiting without a word.

I
was left behind in the front room. Alone, but for the dogs curled at
my feet. They whimpered, pulling me from my moment of depression.
Reaching down, I scratched their long ears, making them slobber
contently.

Why
can't all mistakes be fixed as easily?

Slipping
upstairs to my room, I moved in a fog. There were too many problems,
none of them seemed things I could mend in the moment.

Leah
thinks I'm ashamed of her, and truthfully, maybe I... No, I was only
hoping to protect her! But,
I
wondered, reaching for my suitcase on the floor,
doesn't
that come from a similar place? Does part of me want to save her, by
hiding away the parts of her I think my family would dislike?

Why
does it matter what they think? She's right, I told her I didn't
care. I need to remind myself of that.

When
I was sure I had everything I needed, I moved over to the other
mattress. Nicholas had left his bag open, clearly planning on having
time to organize it better when he returned.

This
whole conflict, too... it's my fault. I shouldn't have gotten so
angry at Nicholas. Even if he's with Bethany, it's awful of me to
punish him for it.

Especially
if he really does love her.

Something
in the bag rustled, the sound of paper. Trying to zip the bag shut,
finding it impossible, I began digging inside to rearrange things. My
fingers brushed on some hard objects, my intuition knowing what they
were before I saw them.

Several
small presents were buried among his socks and shirts.
I
should be careful with these, he'd hate to have gifts crushed.
Tugging them free, my eyes roamed across the scribbled name tags.

I
almost dropped them.

My
name, and Leah's?

It
wasn't the fact he had gotten me a gift that stunned me so much. I
was, perhaps, a little amazed he'd done so for my new girlfriend.

But
the true issue, as I held those shiny items, was that I realized with
horror and shame...

I
hadn't gotten Nicholas anything.

The
drive to my grandparents would be a long one. Because of this,
leaving a little after noon, we'd packed a few things in the truck.
Snacks, magazines, even a sketchbook kept us company.

I
only wanted Leah for company, and with my parents mere feet away, I
could hardly have that.

With
Christmas music piping through the vehicle, the grey world rolling by
outside, I felt in the least cheerful of moods.

My
brain was still caught up in trying to figure out what to do about
Nicholas. I was sure he was right, about everything. All these years,
I'd been subconsciously ignoring him. To the point that this time, I
hadn't even gotten him a gift.

It
hadn't even crossed my mind.

Closing
my eyes, inhaling at a pace that matched the hum of the engine, I
sank into misery.

Everyone
is right to be angry with me. I messed it all up, all of it. I just
wish I knew...

I
wish I knew how to fix it.

“
Hey,”
my dad said, breaking through my gloom. “I'm going to stop in
here to fill up the tank, you guys need to stretch your legs?”

“
Yeah,”
Leah said, rousing me enough that I glanced at her. She didn't meet
my eyes.

“
Sure,”
I mumbled.

We
rolled into an old gas station, the place welcoming in the shadow of
the swollen clouds. “I wish it would just snow already,”
my mom chuckled, climbing from the truck.

Pushing
open the jingling door of the building, I looked around at the racks
lit by fluorescent lights.

Leah
slid past me, wandering towards the back wall of the store.
Consciously, I followed her, noting my mother had left us as she went
to find a restroom.

Standing
a few feet back, I watched Leah as she located the coffee pots. Like
a bug to a zapper, it seemed she couldn't resist the hot stuff; it
made me smile. I moved next to her, ignoring the awful, bitter scent.
“Here, let me get you a cup.”

“
I
can get it,” she muttered, reaching for a container. Feeling
helpless, I stood by while she poured a steaming cup of coffee. When
she put a lid on it, snapping it shut, I reached for her shoulder.

“
Leah,
hold up, please.”

She
didn't pull away, I felt a glimmer of hope. “Your parents are
going to want to get going,” she said flatly.

“
Listen
to me,” I whispered, leaning in close. The scent of coffee
burned my nose, I pined to smell the familiar sweetness of her hair
instead. “This whole trip... it's been a mess. But it's my
fault, and I know that.”

Blinking,
she pointed her eyes up at me. Staring into those dark irises, it was
like being allowed back into her world; a place I had longed to grasp
at far too long, finding constant missteps on the way.

Filling
with hope, as well as more sour guilt, I pushed on. “I should
never have stopped you from telling my parents anything. It was wrong
of me, and stupid. I
do
mean it when I say I don't care if they approve of you or not. But
being here, being home, it's brought back a whole mess of weird
insecurities. Does that make... am I making sense?”

“
Kind
of,” she mused, darting a look to the side. “I don't—I
don't want this tension. I hate it, it hurts and makes me just want
to get away. The idea you might not like
me
,
accept me, after I started to think you really did...” She
paused, biting her lip, ready to say more. “Deacon, that day in
the airport, I actually felt like... I felt—”

I
wanted to know so badly what had been on her lips, but right then, my
mother trundled up with a smile. “Oh! Coffee, that's a
fantastic idea, Leah.”

No,
dammit, I want to know what she was about to tell me!

Leah
pulled away, gripping her cup and blushing furiously. It was
frustrating to be forced apart again, but the heavy air that had
surrounded her and I had lifted.

She
shot me a small smile, sipping from her coffee as my mother poured
her own. “I should go buy this. Um, actually,” she
pointed to the case of baked goods beside me, “could you grab
me a doughnut out of there, too, Deacon?”

Laughing,
delighted to see her appetite was strong, I reached in; taking out
two pastries covered in green and red frosting. “I'll join
you.”

It
was a small thing on the surface, sharing a snack with Leah. My
mother didn't bat an eye as we gathered our treats and paid at the
counter.

But
her and I knew.

We
knew as we smiled at each other, luxuriating in the soft, decadent
way the dough yielded under our teeth. How sweet the frosting was,
sticking to our tongues.

Sharing
that moment, a private moment where we both knew what the other was
tasting, experiencing, while no one else around us was involved...

To
us, after everything, it was exactly what we needed.

****

We
arrived at my grandparents' farm in the thick shadow of the late
winter evening. Still no snow had fallen, the clouds angry with their
threatening swells of black and white.

Familiar,
old, the faded yellow siding of the small house made me smile. A
gnarled but strong oak tree that had grown on the back hill for as
long as I remembered drew my eye. There was a tire hanging from a
wide branch, a swing my father pushed me on often as a child.

Seeing
it hang there, lonely in the wind, made me feel a hard chill. I
wanted nothing more than to get inside and see the smiling face of my
granddad.

Looking
out the window, the warm light over the front door of the house was a
welcome sight. The blue SUV that I knew to be Bethany's, however, was
not.

It's
no surprise they beat us here, really.

Scrambling
from our car, we gathered up bags until our arms were stuffed. No one
wanted to make a second trip out into the icy weather, especially not
after tasting what was sure to be the warm air inside the house.

We
didn't make it to the step before the front door swung open. My chest
swelled, delighted by the nostalgic image of my grandfather standing
there waiting for us. His eyes twinkled, a genuine expression of
delight.

“
Come
in, come in!” He cried, contradicting his words as he stopped
each of us outside with a firm hug. With packed arms, I did my best
to squeeze back.

“
Hey
Grandaddy,” I said, grinning at his strong grip on my
shoulders. “This is Leah.” Motioning with my head to the
girl beside me, I slid past and into the delicious heat of the home.

Leah,
if she had been nervous or wary, lost her walls instantly in the face
of my grandfather's pure happiness. It was impossible to resist his
demeanor.

He
wrapped her in a hug, then took all the bags from her, ignoring her
protests. “Good to meet you!” He cried out, glancing at
me and giving a wink. “She's a real doll, isn't she?”

Her
blush was red hot.

Laughing,
unable to help myself, I winked back. “She sure is. Now let's
get her inside before she freezes.”

My
parents pointed the way down the hall, we followed with our haul. I
could hear voices in the living room seconds before we entered.

Bethany...
and Nicholas.

The
huge Christmas tree in the corner of the room was beautiful. Below
it, shiny presents glowed, a sight that sent me back fifteen years.
I'd always loved coming here for the holidays, my grandparents had
given me strong memories.

Nicholas
looked up, leveling his green eyes on me as I stood there on the edge
of the rug. He didn't smile, he didn't speak, he only watched me with
a blank expression that spoke volumes.

“
Hey
everyone!” My dad said loudly, stomping through. “Excuse
me, hold on, let me put these down so I can greet y'all correctly.”
He dropped his bags of gifts by the tree, then spun around as Bethany
was standing.

She
smiled sweetly, hugging him back as he wrapped his arms around her.
“Hey there, Dylan,” she said. “How was the drive?”

“
Good,
good,” he said, looking to Nicholas. The younger man rose,
sharing in a quick embrace as well. “How are you guys doing?
Didn't see you this morning before you left, Nicholas.”

“
Yeah,
sorry about that,” he murmured, watching me over our father's
shoulder.