Letting You Know (20 page)

Dad
doesn't know what's going on between us at all,
I
realized. Beside me, I felt Leah reach up, touching the small of my
back. The affection was welcome, I reveled in the comfort she brought
me. Though she didn't know all the details either, it was clear Leah
had taken the pieces and filled in the gaps where they were needed.

My
grandfather dropped our bags down by the couch, grinning at us all
with innocent oblivion. “Who's hungry? Anyone want a snack?”

“
Oh,
honey,” a soft voice said from the other side of the room. All
of us turned, spotting my grandmother standing by the tree. The
entrance across the rug led to the kitchen, my memory knew that
solidly. “Don't ruin their appetites with candy, I've got a ham
in the oven 'bout ready to pop.”

“
Alright
alright,” he chuckled. “After dinner then. Y'all sit,
I'll get you some drinks, then.”

“
I
could use some tea,” my mother said, wandering around us and
towards the kitchen. The older people followed, murmuring to each
other as they caught up and made chit-chat.

That
left the four of us alone with each other. The heavy tightness in the
air was instant.

Glancing
at Bethany and Nicholas where they stood, I forced a friendly smile.
“Oh, uh, I grabbed your bag for you, Nicholas.”

“
How
sweet of you,” he said, sitting down on one of the couches. His
words were acid, nothing like what he actually had said.

Bethany
looked unsure of how to feel. Her eyes flicked from me, to Leah,
before she settled beside Nicholas on the plush material.

Following
suit, my body acting on impulse, I sat down across from them on the
other sofa and motioned to Leah. Her hands were wound up in her lap
when she fell next to me, legs crossing at the knee.

She's
literally tying herself into knots.

I
wanted to break the stiffness, but had no clue how to do so. “This
place... it never looks any different, does it?” I asked.

“
Nope,”
Nicholas shrugged. “Lot of stuff doesn't change, I guess.”

He's
not talking about the house.

To
her credit, Bethany seemed to want to smooth things over as well. Her
lips made a pretty smile, which she turned to me gently. “It is
sort always like this, isn't it? Your granddad even puts the
ornaments on the tree the same way every year.”

Chuckling,
I nodded, all of us looking at the huge, lit up behemoth in the
corner. “If I didn't know better, I'd wonder if they just put
it away every year with everything still on it.”

“
That'd
make it easier, I bet,” Leah said, smiling shyly at me, then
Bethany.

“
Yeah,
except I think Grandaddy Day likes the process of taking it all down,
too.” The blonde mused, leaning against Nicholas. I watched her
hand trail over, comfortably finding a spot on my brother's knee.

Nicholas,
who'd been bound up tight as a spring, crumbled under her touch. “He
is a pretty big fan of tradition,” he said.

“
I
remember the year he tried to get me to help him make caramels,”
I laughed. “I completely botched the measurements and burned—”

“
Us,”
Nicholas said, lowering his brows sharply. “He asked
us
to make them.”

“
I—did
he?” Flustered, I wiped my palm over my forehead. He was right,
my memory of the event had focused so hard on how it had felt to have
grandaddy helping me cook, I'd shoved my brother out of the fond
experience.

I
really do keep doing that.

We
all sat there, saying nothing, eyes darting around uncomfortably.
Luckily, my grandmother wandered in, hands clasped at her chest. “You
kids ready to eat?”

All
of us exclaimed various sounds of agreement, relieved we could stop
attempting to make terse conversation.

****

After
dinner, we settled in for what felt like a much needed night of rest.
My parents took one of the spare bedrooms, the girls were offered the
other.

Watching
Leah tromp off with Bethany, her mouth a nervous line, I felt a
flicker of unease. I didn't think Bethany would do anything, but even
so, I wanted to protect Leah from anything my ex might attempt.

“
She'll
be fine, you know,” Nicholas said, staring at me from the sofa.
We'd both been given the couches in the living room, a fact I wasn't
keen on.

Being
alone with my brother, with everything that had happened, didn't seem
the wisest move.

“
I
know,” I answered, shrugging. “She's just a little
nervous and—I just want to make sure she's comfortable.”

“
Pretty
sure she's old enough to take care of herself.”

“
Of
course,” I grumbled, my neck tightening.
Is
he trying to pick a fight, right now?

Nicholas
went quiet, sinking down on the couch with the blanket pulled to his
neck. I could tell he was staring at the ceiling, even though there
was nothing there.

Maybe
I should try and talk to him about earlier.

“
Hey,”
I said softly, “look, uh, that whole mess today in the car? Why
did you say I'd never been happy for you before?”

“
Deacon,
I'm not having this conversation right now.”

“
But
I—”

“
Man,
stop.” Shifting, he shot me a long, harsh glare. “Just
stop. Figure it out on your own, maybe. Tell
me
why you've never been happy for me, and then we can talk.”

I
opened my mouth, wanting to argue, to defend, but I had nothing.
Nicholas rolled over, showing me his back and ending the chance at a
conversation of any kind.

In
the flickering light of the tree, I stared at his tense shoulders. I
watched until they started to swell and drop with the motion of
sleep-filled breathing.

What
did I do to him? He keeps talking about me not being happy for him,
that I keep rubbing him from my memories.

Have
I truly done that to my own brother?

My
skull ached when I attempted to recall instances from my past. I'd
already been soaking in the despair brought on by Bethany, to try and
dig deep into my mistakes with my brother was too much.

Maybe
I don't need to do that. Shouldn't I just take him at his word?
Otherwise, he'd simply be lying about it all. Nicholas is many
things, but I would never have called him a liar.

Sitting
up, I looked at the decorated tree, the presents shining below the
branches.
After
all, I can't pretend I didn't completely forget to get him anything
for Christmas.

What
has he done that's made me punish him so subconsciously?

Reaching
up, I dug into the pocket of my jacket where I'd draped it over the
arm of the couch. The wrapping around Leah's gift crinkled.

In
my hands, the Santa-patterned box felt small and fragile.
Should
I... should I really...

It
was an option I had never considered before, but it now offered
itself as a way to prevent more harm.

Except
that Leah will be the one to suffer now.
Kneeling
by the gifts, I set the square down among them, carefully prying away
the label. Leah's name, scrawled neatly by my hand, vanished into a
crinkle of a ball.

There
were pens in a bowl on the small side table, so I grabbed one
quickly. Nicholas inhaled in his sleep, the sound making my skin
prickle.

Hurry,
now, before he sees you and this is all ruined.

When
I was finished, my brother's name was written on the wrapping paper.
The cell phone would now be his, a fact that didn't thrill me as much
as I wished.

But
it's the right thing to do for him.

Falling
back onto the sofa, burrowing down in the blankets, the heat was
unbearable. My skin was sticky with the heat of nerves and
foreboding.

If
only it had been the right thing for Leah, as well.

My
grandfather did not believe in letting us sleep late. We were young,
healthy people; by that logic, it meant daybreak was the time to
awaken.

He
stomped through the living room where Nicholas and I had been
sleeping, making no pretense about what he was up to. “Hey,”
he said, gruff but friendly. I cracked open an eye, tired and wishing
he'd leave me be.

His
grin told me there'd be no such luck.

“
Got
fresh coffee ready,” he said.

“
I
still don't drink coffee, Grandad.”

“
I
do,” Nicholas said, sitting up on the other couch. He stretched
his arms high, yawning over the sound of his back cracking. “I
could use a hot cup, actually.”

Nodding,
our grandfather stood straight, glancing around. “I'll send
your mom to wake the girls up. I was thinking I'd take you all
shooting today.”

“
Shooting?”
I asked, squinting at the idea. I hadn't done such a thing in many
years.

Nicholas
jumped up, grinning wide as ever. “That sounds great! You want
to go soon?”

“
Yeah,”
he nodded, looking pleased. “With the gift exchange tonight, I
was thinking we'd do a few things today, wanted to get an early
start.”

It
was hard to fight his enthusiasm, even if talking about presents made
my belly curl into a solid ball.

I
still don't know what I'm going to do for Leah, now. That cell phone
was going to be such a good thing for her, too. How can I top that?

Standing,
I rubbed my neck to remove the soreness that sleeping on the couch
had brought. “Alright, that might be fun.”

“
Since
when do you like shooting?” My brother scoffed, seeming to just
notice my existence. He didn't seem pleased about it, either.

Glancing
at Grandad, not wanting to openly get into a row with Nicholas, I
shrugged. “I don't know, it just seems like a neat thing to
show Leah. I doubt she's done it before.”