Letting You Know (18 page)

Determined
to push past my funk, I stomped down the aisle, into the open.
Where
did Nicholas go?

Reaching
into my pocket, I gripped my phone, thinking about calling him.
Touching the device reminded me of my original goal that day.

I
came here for a reason. I should just take care of that. Nicholas
can't go anywhere, anyway. I'm the one with the car keys.

Heading
further into the store, I scanned for the bright, tv-filled area that
would notify me of the electronics section.

It
wasn't hard to find.

The
long rows of shiny, bright cell phones stared at me. Walking along
the display, squinting at the prices, I tried to guess what Leah
would like.

I
was the one who had convinced her to mail her phone back to Owen. I
was the one who accidentally put everything into motion.

I
can't change the past, but I can do the logical thing and replace the
phone I talked her out of.

Reaching
out, I touched a shiny red one. It had a nice big screen, the newer
style with the buttons hidden until you slid it open.

Yeah,
this is nice. I think she'd like this.

Kneeling,
I grabbed one of the boxes from under the shelf. I wasn't unaware of
what it meant, buying a phone for Leah. The next part of the
commitment was adding her to my own plan.

Will
she think that's weird, or forward of me?

Frowning,
I remembered what Nicholas had said to me in the car.
Do
I really think so far ahead, planning things out to impress people?

Was
I trying to impress Leah, or just helping her out because I cared?

Or,
maybe, as my heart had been warning me with painful throbs, because
I...

Because
I think I'm falling in love with her.

Turning,
I almost slammed right into Bethany.

“
Careful!”
She shouted, stepping back quickly.

“
Wh—are
you
stalking
me?” I snapped, filling with a flicker of heated frustration.
Can
I not get away from her?

Folding
her arms, those blue eyes trembled with hesitance. I thought she
looked hurt by my words, but if so, she hid it fast behind a scowl.
“No, Nicholas called me. He said he needed a ride back from
here, that you and him were fighting and he didn't want to drive back
with you.”

Blinking,
taken aback by this news, I fought for some comment; anything,
anything at all.

He
doesn't want to drive back with me. Is he wrong, though? I've been...
I haven't been exactly patient with him.

“
What
did you say to him?” She asked me, her eyebrows furrowing.
There was no malice; her calm, curious demeanor let my guard down.

Still,
I couldn't bring myself to tell Bethany that Nicholas had admitted to
me that he loved her. “I think I lost my temper with him a
bit.”

“
Like
you did last night?”

My mouth dropped, as did my stomach. She knows about me shoving him
down. I'm an idiot, of course he would tell her. My neck knotted,
cramping up. “That wasn't... I didn't mean...”

“
Don't
defend yourself to me,” she mumbled, spinning away briskly.
“Tell it to him, he's the one suffering here. Apologize to
him
about what you've done, Deacon. That is, if you can get over your
pride enough to even try. I'm going to go find him, guess we'll see
you at your grandparents' place.”

Her
long coat swished as she clicked away down the tile on hard winter
boots. In abject shock, I watched her go, wrangling with the melting
pot of emotions she'd dropped into my lap.

Have
I hurt Nicholas that much? Was I just not paying attention this whole
time? My whole life?

Feeling
like I wanted to crawl into a corner and hide from the world, I just
let my chin fall to my chest.

Was
I really the one in the wrong?

****

The
car keys jingled in my hand, announcing me loudly before the dogs
even started to bark. Stepping into the front room, kicking my boots
against the floor mat, I felt the corgis slam into my legs.

Though
I was in a somber mood, their ridiculous grinning snouts pushed it
into the back of my mind. Kneeling, I scratched their heads, laughing
softly. “Hey girls.”

“
Hey,”
someone else said.

Leah,
standing in the doorway of the kitchen in front of me.

Her
eyes were curious, but I was relieved to not spot any anger there.
I'd wondered if she might be upset over being left to deal with my
parents on her own.

Standing,
far too aware of the wrapped present tucked deep in my coat, I
grinned. “Hey to you, too.”

“
Where
did you go?” Leah cocked her head, her long dark hair rolling
over the shoulder of her white sweater. I recognized it as the one
she'd been waffling about wearing or not. “Your mom said you
went off with Nicholas, but...”

There,
there was the first flicker of doubt. My mother had said I was with
my brother, yet here I was, returning alone.

The
lines on my forehead felt hard. Reaching up, I rubbed them away
nervously. “Right. About that. I did go out with him, he needed
to do some shopping.” I lifted a bag I was carrying, stuffed
with wrapped gifts; a new coffee mug for my mother and a bunch of
socks for my dad. “I needed some stuff, too, for my parents.
Mom, she thought we should spend some time together...” I
trailed off, closing my eyes.

“
Didn't
go so well, I take it.” Leah spoke softly, bluntly. She seemed
to understand why I had returned alone.

“
That's
putting it nicely,” I said, forcing a light laugh. Looking back
at her, noticing the way she was clenching her hands at her sides, I
frowned. “Hey, relax. It's fine, he just had a little go at me.
I can't say I didn't deserve it,” I admitted.

I
watched her actively ease her hands apart, flexing her fingers. “So,
at least tell me you didn't ditch him on the side of the road.”

Adjusting
my coat, I shook my head quickly. “No, no of course not. He
actually ended up calling...” I was halted by the wave of guilt
that bloomed in me.
Why
do I feel so bad about telling her about Bethany?

“
Calling...?”
She asked me, lifting her eyebrows high. When I hesitated too long,
her pretty lips scrunched together. “Oh. I get it. Yeah, that
makes sense, ringing up his girlfriend.”

The
desire to explain myself was too strong. Stepping closer, ignoring
the dogs still sitting around my feet, I implored her with my eyes.
“She just showed up, out of no where. I promise, that's it. She
hardly talked to me before she ran off to track him down and take him
to Granddad's.”

“
I
believe you,” she sighed, that pale face looking whiter than
ever. “Sorry, I'm just struggling with this whole thing still.
It was weird to wake up alone, then to find you weren't here. Your
mom, I don't know,” she dropped her voice, leaning in. “She's
hard to read, I think she might not like me.”

“
She's
just getting to know you,” I assured her, pulling her towards
me for a solid embrace. It felt wonderful to have her so close to me.
My problems seemed so much smaller when Leah was in my arms.

Her
limbs squeezed me, but she didn't linger. Pulling away, she flashed
me a quick, sharp smile. “Well, I'm worried that if she really
gets to know me, she'll like me less.”

Is
she talking about when I cut her off at dinner, when she was on the
verge of saying she had dropped out of school?

Leah
was watching me, taking in my expression. I knew I had given myself
away with my silence, my wrinkled brow. “I'm—about that,
I didn't mean...”

“
You
need to decide,” she said very slowly, precisely, “if you
actually mean it when you say you accept me for my past, and that it
doesn't matter if anyone else does. If you mean it, let me choose
what they learn about me. Otherwise, I'm going to start thinking
you're ashamed of me.” Her voice cracked, hot emotion and wet
tears ready to fall free.

Gripping
her cheeks, my thumbs traced the curve of her soft skin. “Leah,
no. No, please, that isn't it. I was just trying to—to help
you, to keep you from...”

“
From
messing up?” She asked, seething with a bitterness I didn't
expect. “From telling them the truth about anything, knowing
they might judge
you
for it?”

I
couldn't answer her. I had already been questioning myself so much
lately, my defenses were fragile.

Yes,
she's right. I thought I was ready, but when put back into this
setting... around these people, my own past... I became ashamed.

I
wanted to fix this, solve everything and make it better. The sound of
shoes in the kitchen, moving our way, halted my chance.

Leah
pushed back, wiping her eyes quickly to hide the evidence of her
mood. My mother rounded the corner, leaning past her, squinting at me
by the door. “Deacon! You're back, good. Your father was
starting to get worried we'd leave late. Come on, go get your stuff
so we can load up the car.”

I
forced myself to look away from Leah. It was easier when she started
the process, her head hanging down, turning to display her profile. I
could see how tight her jaw was. “Yeah, okay, no problem. Here
are the keys, thanks for letting me borrow your car.”

She
reached out, taking them from me, tucking them in her pocket. “Oh,
grab your brother's bag, too. I guess he decided to ride up with
Bethany.” There was an unspoken question in her casual
statement. My mother wanted to know what had happened, but she
wouldn't ask right then. Not with Leah in earshot.

“
Alright,”
I said, keeping my tone flat.

With
nothing more to say, the older woman vanished, giving Leah and myself
another chance at a private bubble. A bubble in which I hoped I could
try and explain, to apologize for my missteps.

I'd
made many as of late.

“
Leah,”
I whispered. She lifted her head, looking past me, over my shoulder.
Those glistening eyes wouldn't find mine, no matter how hard I
worked.

Reaching
out, I tried to take her hand, but she wrenched it away without an
attempt at subtlety.

She
doesn't even want me to touch her. How long has she been holding that
in? Dammit, being around my family, this house, makes it so hard to
just have some privacy and talk to her!