Letting You Know (28 page)

Turning
side to side, trying to think of where to even begin looking, I
spotted something fading in the snow.

Footprints,
those have to be hers! How did I miss those when we came back?

Burning
with frustration at my own unawareness, fearful of how quickly the
tracks were being erased, I began to follow them.

I
understood how I had missed her when the foot prints led me around
the house, a different direction completely.

It
wasn't long before the trail began to vanish.
Dammit,
no, how else can I find her!?
Panicking,
I started to run, the biting whiteness covering my ankles.

The
blizzard was heavy, blinding me. I didn't know where Leah could have
gone, and though I knew the house was behind me, I couldn't see it
anymore.

“
Leah!”
I shouted, uncaring if my parents heard me shouting. I was convinced
the howling wind would muffle me, either way. “Leah! Leah!”

Where
could she be? The only thing in this direction is...

The
barn rose up before me, my heart thumping in a rush of hope. Pushing
the door open, I started to shout, but was cut off when something
slammed into my chest.

“
Deacon!”
Leah shouted, hugging me hard, laughing. “Oh thank goodness, I
was getting worried I'd have to camp the night out in here!”

“
Leah,”
I said, crushing her to me so hard it had to hurt. When she didn't
wince, I held her at arms length. “Leah, are you okay?”

“
Yes,”
she said, looking unconvinced. Her face was red, breath steamy in the
darkness of the barn. The chattering of her teeth, the way she
vibrated under my touch, scared me.

Turning,
I flicked on the light switch, the yellow glow filling the big room.
“You're freezing, Leah.” Taking off one of my gloves, I
felt her cheek. “You're like ice!”

“
I'm
fine, just cold.” To punctuate her point, she hugged herself.
“I thought I would find you fast, but then I got turned around
back here when it started snowing. It came down so suddenly.”

“
You
shouldn't have come looking for me,” I frowned, moving around
the barn. Searching for blankets, I tore a few down off of a shelf.
My grandparents kept the barn maintained, weather proof for the
winter. It wasn't heated, as supplies didn't need heat, but they did
keep electricity for the lights.

And
these blankets, luckily.

Turning,
I went to wrap one around Leah. The look of irritation on her face
halted me. “I'm sorry,” she said slowly, “did you
say I shouldn't have gone looking for you?”

“
I—Leah,
you could have been stuck out here, freezing to death because of this
snow!”

“
I
didn't know it was going to snow,” she said, taking one of the
blankets from me. “Not anymore than you did. Are you seriously
blaming me for worrying about you? For going to look for you, the way
you did for me?”

“
No,
I...” Rubbing my neck, I sighed. “Sorry, you're right.
You're not at fault for the weather. I was just worried.”

“
So
was I,” she said, huddling in the thick cloth.

Smiling,
I tossed another one on her, then put the last on the hay-sprinkled
floor. Gently, I slid my hands around her, trying to get her to share
the blankets with me. “You were worried about me?”

“
Of
course.” Pouting, she pulled me into her arms, coiling the
heavy cloth around our bodies. Gently, we knelt on the floor, our
body heat already starting to erase her trembling. “How could I
not be? You vanished outside with Nicholas, after everything that's
happened with him...”

“
Him
and I are fine,” I assured her, tugging her against me. She
felt good there, like she was meant to fit in my arms. “We had
a long talk.”

“
About?”

“
Everything,”
I chuckled, resting my temple against the side of her head. “So
much stuff. It's fine now, though. For the first time, I think he and
I actually understand each other.”

Leah
said nothing, the only sound was her rattling breathing. Her arms
coiled around my waist, forcing herself against me tighter.
“Deacon... can I talk to you about something?”

“
Of
course.” Her hair tickled my cheek, smelling like vanilla.

I
sensed her hesitation, but she pushed on before I could ask if she
was alright. “Why—why didn't you get me anything for
Christmas? I know, it's a really selfish thing to even
ask
,
but I can't figure out if I did something wrong, or if there's
something I'm missing, or—”

My
abrupt laughter shut her up, I could see the confusion in her eyes
when she leaned away from my warmth. “Sorry,” I said
quickly, trying to control how ridiculous it all felt. “I
shouldn't laugh, it's just that when I think about how we ended up in
this barn, it's sort of because of the gift I was getting you.”

“
I...
I don't understand...”

Sitting
up, I held her shoulders, making her look into my amused face. “The
day I left early, with Nicholas? I had been trying to leave before
you woke up, to go shopping for you and get you a gift in secret. But
I also ended up making a huge mess with my brother, fighting over
such petty stuff.” Shaking my head, I looked away, recalling
the turmoil I'd felt.

“
And?”
She pressed me, drawing me back to her curious eyes. “I'm still
not following.”

“
We
got into that fight, I ended up driving back alone. When Mom told me
to get his bag to take here, I found the gifts he had gotten for us
accidentally. I thought... I felt awful, like the worse brother ever,
Leah.”

Wrinkling
her forehead, she mulled over this information. “Are you saying
you felt guilty, so you gave him the gift you had bought for me that
day?”

“
Pretty
much, yes.” Sighing, I scratched over my scalp, frustrated with
my past actions. “Because of all that, setting up such a dumb
situation where Nicholas got even more angry with me... it was what
led him and I outside tonight, to clear everything up. And,” I
mused, cupping her cheek gently, “it's also what sent you
looking for me.”

Leah
quirked the corner of her mouth up. “It's like that whole
butterfly wing effect thing.”

“
Haha,
what?”

“
Nothing,”
she laughed, eyes glowing in the yellow lights. “So you gave
away my gift. It sounds like it was worth it, I'm glad, knowing
that.”

“
Oh,
no.” Letting go of her, ignoring her frown, I dug into my coat
pocket. The cell phone was cool in my palm when I offered it to her.

Sensing
her unsureness, I wrapped her fingers around the device firmly. “He
gave it back, said he didn't need it and you could find a better use
for it.”

Almost
reverently, she took the cell phone, opening it to examine the
inside. “Deacon, this is way too nice of a gift for me.”

“
Oh,”
I said, grinning sardonically. “So now it goes from being sad
over getting nothing, to being sad I gave you something too good?”

“
Shh,”
she admonished me, her smile helpless. “I just mean... I don't
deserve—”

“
No.”
This time, I was serious. Hunching my eyebrows, my hands found her
waist, holding her tightly. “You don't get to say that. Not
ever. Leah, you deserve everything I can give you, and then a million
times more.”

Her
dark orbs fixed on me, wavering. “Why?”

A
shiver ran through me, electric.
Because
I love you.

Yet,
for some reason, I couldn't find the courage to say it. “Because
I said so,” I blurted, kissing her on the cheek awkwardly.
Why
am I scared to just say it?

Leah
blinked, studying me for a moment that stretched. Outside, the sound
of the snow scratched and wailed. “...Alright.”

“
Leah,
I—it was my fault you lost your phone the first time around.”

“
No
it wasn't.” Her tone was sharp with disbelief. “Not at
all! You were right, no matter what ended up happening, it was time
to give Owen's phone back. It never really felt like mine, anyway. It
was a tie I didn't want to maintain.”

Snuggling
against her, I closed my eyes, not wanting to talk about any of that
anymore. “You should turn it on, check it out.”

“
Don't
I need a phone plan first, though?”

My
heart gave a small jump. “No, I... I sort of added you to my
plan, actually.”

“
You
what?
”
She sat up, holding the phone like it might explode. “Oh,
Deacon, you didn't need to—”

“
I
wanted to,” I explained, realizing the truth of it as I did so.
“Maybe I didn't think it all the way through, but I wanted you
to be able to use it right away.”

Like
a wild animal, she gawked at me. “What did you want me to use
it for?”

“
To
call... to call your family, Leah.”
I
didn't think about it before, but maybe Nicholas is right. She hasn't
talked about them, or to them, in so long it seems.
“It's going to be Christmas Eve tomorrow, actual Christmas Eve.
Don't you want to talk to them?”

“
You
know about my family. Why would I... what would make you think...”
Hot tears began to well in the corners of her eyes, trickling down
bit by bit.

Wiping
them away, I wrapped her in my arms, holding her tenderly. “You've
seen me around my own family here. If I were in your shoes, I guess I
think I'd be home-sick.”

Her
answer was a sniffling sob, an exhausted sound that made it clear how
she had been barely holding it together. “Fine. Fine, you're
right, I do miss them... it was easy not to talk to them when I
didn't have the option. But now, you gave me this, and I—Deacon,
I...”