Life After Forty (11 page)

She smoothed the statement out, looked, and then raised her eyebrows.

“What’s this? Ah, Bernd? Christine, you’ve got some serious dough there. Let’s go shopping tomorrow. I need some things anyway, so let’s drive out to Stilwerk, that concept design store. We’ll make a day of it.”

She handed me back the statement, poked me in the side, and smiled.

“We’ve done it! At least, I almost have. There are good times ahead. I can feel it.”

To me, her eyes looked sad. I hoped she wasn’t thinking the same thing about me.

B
ernd was walking in front of me. I looked at the hairline at the back of his neck and suddenly felt the enormous desire to touch him there, to kiss him. At that moment he stopped and turned around towards me, smiling. I felt his lips on my temple, heard his voice.

“I’m so happy you’re back. I was such an idiot; I don’t want to be without you.”

My heart beat faster, and a feeling of security washed over me. I laid my hand on his cheek, tried to look into his eyes, and then heard the alarm clock.

Please, no
, I thought, turning the alarm off. I stayed lying on my back for a moment and felt the cozy feeling disappear as I slowly woke up.

I heard Edith say,
He left you; he’s fine without you. You were just dreaming
.

I shut my eyes again, saw Bernd’s smile, felt his hands, felt the longing, and then felt lonely.

Charlotte tried to help.
You’ve got plans with Luise. You’ve got enough money; go shopping, buy something beautiful for your apartment. There’ll be no one there to argue with anything, and it’ll be a great day
.

Edith persisted.
It’ll just be compulsive shopping to hide the loneliness. Never mind, that’s what lots of women your age do; it’s a kind of replacement life.

I sat up, feeling dizzy. My back ached, and the feeling I’d had in my dream was still lingering. Bernd’s voice was in my ear. “I don’t want to be without you.” I was annoyed to feel the tears coming, so I struggled out of bed and went into the bathroom.

Shortly before eleven a.m. I was standing outside the entrance to Stilwerk, waiting for Luise. It was an impressive building directly on the harbor. Modern architecture on the outside, and inside a collection of designer stores with furniture, fabrics, baths, decorations, and everything you could need to furnish an apartment in an old building so it looks like something from
House Beautiful
.

I’d come here five years ago with a colleague. We’d had a work meal nearby, and afterwards he’d asked if I could drive him to the station, but he had wanted to stop off and buy a showerhead on the way. I’d agreed and let him direct me to Stilwerk. In my naïveté I’d expected a DIY store and was speechless in awe as we stood in a small shop and he bought a showerhead that cost just as much as my entire bathroom had in the house. A DIY store indeed! Back then I had felt like I was in a different world here.

Charlotte reminded me again,
16,125.20 euros. Today you’re part of it.

I felt my anticipation mount.

I stepped aside to make room for a couple making their way towards the entrance. He let her go first, laying his hand on her back. She turned to him and smiled, stopped and kissed him, and then carried on. The revolving door separated them for a brief moment, but when he was set free, moments after she was, her hand was already waiting for his.

My gaze followed them.

Edith said
, You want that too.

Charlotte answered
, They’ll soon be squabbling because he thinks everything she likes is too expensive or just can’t stand it.

I didn’t believe her and saw the waiting hand before me.

“Why are you making a face like that?” Suddenly, Luise was standing in front of me. She hugged me.

I shook the picture of the couple from my mind and looked at her. “I was lost in thought.”

“Not particularly happy ones by the look of it.”

She pulled me into the foyer of Stilwerk and looked around her.

“Isn’t it insane? I love these shops. And even if we just look, it’s still great.”

Her enthusiasm swept the clouds from my mind.

Charlotte followed up:
16,125.20 euros. And no one who’ll stick their oar in and want justifications.

I took a deep breath, looked Luise up and down, noticed how thin she was, and said, “Shall we get some breakfast first and make a plan? Like what we’re looking for?”

I steered her towards a small bistro right next to the entrance. We got a table by the window with a view over the Elbe and ordered two continental breakfasts from the ridiculously handsome waiter.

From here we could see right out over the parking lot, where more and more cars were arriving. I was surprised to see how many people could afford to spend their Saturdays shopping in Stilwerk. Luise’s gaze followed mine. “Most of them are just looking.” She toasted me with her coffee cup. “We can buy.”

I felt a little excited and very lighthearted.

Luise took a scrap of paper from her handbag, pushed her bitten-into roll to the side, laid the list on the table, and smoothed it out.

“So, I need…”

Without stopping chewing, I took the note, pushed her plate back towards her, and said, somewhat imperceptibly, “Finish your breakfast first.”

Luise looked at me. “What’s up with you? You sound like my mother.”

“I don’t want you to get so thin that I look fat next to you. The handsome waiter will end up feeling sorry for the beautiful woman’s fat friend. And I can’t take pity.”

Luise laughed and shook her head. “You’re being silly.”

She carried on eating while I scanned her list. Bed, bathroom mirror, lamps, rubbish bin, doormat.

I looked up, thought about the labels and prices here, and handed the list back to her.

“You do realize that you could get everything on that list in IKEA or the DIY store for a fraction of the price you’ll end up paying here?”

She put the list back in her bag. “I know, that’s what I always used to do. But I’ve got savings for bad times.” She took a deep breath. “And I think that these aren’t particularly good times. I’m furnishing an apartment for just myself, and I want it to be beautiful. I don’t want to be sensible anymore, at least not today.”

I thought about my new sofa and the other new things. And about how liberating it had felt to replace my old life with them.

“I bought a lot of new things too. Although the sofa was the only really extravagant thing; the rest was sensible. It doesn’t really heal the pain, but it plasters the soul, so you can’t see the hurt right away. And that definitely does you good.”

Luise stubbed her cigarette out and beckoned the handsome waiter.

“Christine, we’re not being sensible today, and I don’t want any more sad feelings. Come on, let’s go plaster our souls.”

We made a start in a shop for bathroom fittings. It was the one I already knew. Baths made from wood, chrome, and porcelain, round and corner bathtubs, crazy washbasins, and wild fittings. Along with decorations whose price tags made me gulp.

After twenty minutes Luise had chosen and reserved a bathroom mirror with a heavy silver frame. She looked very happy indeed. So did the man at the checkout counter.

I bought a soap dish made of blue porcelain, three chrome boxes, a shallow black basket, and a shower curtain. It came to 320 euros. A bargain, really. The elegant bag and my feeling of elation confirmed the feeling of foolishness that was growing within me.

Next up, a fabric store. We touched every fabric bauble, every fold, and found the colors beautiful. I looked at Luise. “I can’t even sew.”

She shrugged her shoulders regretfully. “Me neither.”

“It’s such a shame.”

We left the store without any bags. The next one was an office equipment store. We sat on at least twenty office chairs, stroked our hands across writing tables, and turned lamps on and off. I bought a wall clock, three filing boxes, a container for paperclips, a table lamp, and a metal notice board—340 euros.

Luise picked up some catalogues.

Then there was a kitchen shop. Luise piled cups in her shopping baskets while I looked for candleholders and serviettes. We stopped for a while in front of the glasses. Luise picked up a red wine glass and looked at it admiringly; it was simple, big, beautiful.

“Look, Christine, this costs almost ten times as much as my glasses from IKEA.”

She put a box of six in her basket. Next, we found ourselves looking at the espresso machines. These had been the epitome of a luxury kitchen to me for years. Bernd didn’t like espresso; I loved it. Ines had once bought me a small pot for the stove; a machine was just a dream.

Luise stood next to me. “Which one are you getting?”

Charlotte whispered,
You’ve still got over ten thousand euros.

My newfound reason beat Edith to it.

“Oh, it’s not worth it. For just a few cups of espresso or cappuccino? Besides, none of them cost less than eight hundred euros.”

Luise nudged me and laughed. I looked at her.

“Are you serious?”

“Christine, it’s for you—of course it’s worth it.”

I saw myself standing in my bathrobe and warm socks in front of this wonderful chrome appliance in the mornings, saw myself push a button, heard the sound of the grinder, and smelled the coffee. The last bit turned out to be real; a shop assistant was standing in front of us, balancing two small red espresso cups.

“May I offer you an espresso and show you the machines?”

Half an hour later I was writing my address on the delivery paperwork and signing a credit card receipt for 1,150 euros. The candlesticks, serviettes, six espresso cups, chrome jug for hot milk, and a pepper grinder were an additional 160 euros. Luise got a dark gray material bag to carry her wine glasses and cups in. I felt great and grabbed her elbow.

“Luise, I’ve got an espresso machine. This is amazing. Let’s have a break; I’ve got a completely dry throat.”

We found a small bistro with standing tables and bar chairs, and we ordered a big bottle of water and two glasses of champagne. I was still over the moon; Luise laughed and raised her glass.

“To cappuccino and espresso and the fact that everything that we do for ourselves is worth it.”

I was almost dizzy with happiness and drank some water to help calm myself down.

Charlotte was happy too.
An espresso machine. At last.

Edith answered.
That’s over two thousand euros you’ve spent on things that you don’t really need. Call it a day now; you really need to put some money away.

Luise interrupted both their voices. “What are you thinking about?”

I answered quickly. “Nothing, I’m just happy. Now let’s find you a bed, and I’ll take a look around.”

Luise pulled her list back out of her bag. Before she could say a word, someone stumbled against our table and the water bottle fell over, spilling its contents directly between my elegant shopping bags and Luise’s feet.

“Oh heavens, I’m so sorry. Oh God, is everything wet? I’m so terribly sorry. Oh, it’s you guys. I didn’t even recognize you. Well, isn’t this great?”

Anke. Black miniskirt, tight top, poison-green jacket, red shoes, everything too tight, as usual. Her hair was crazy and wild, her face glowing.

She whirled off, said something to the waiter, and then ran over to a blond man who looked about thirty years old and talked on and on at him energetically. His handsome face looked pained.

Luise’s facial expression was unfathomable.

I looked at her questioningly. She lowered her voice as one of the waiters dried our table with a cloth, and said, “Hamburg is a metropolis with more than 1.7 million inhabitants. This is the smallest bar in Stilwerk. And yet we still manage to run into Anke.”

By now Anke was standing in front of our table with the young man in tow. He clearly didn’t seem very comfortable. Luise’s face still showed no discernible signs of emotion. I had no idea what was coming. I hardly knew Anke; I’d barely seen her outside of our gatherings. Anke pulled the young man nearer to her, looked first at him, then at us, and then introduced him with her usual loud voice.

“Girls, this is the lovely David. Isn’t he delicious? And these are my colleagues, Luise and Christine.”

Luise raised her eyebrows. David went red, and I felt incredibly embarrassed by Anke’s behavior. In an attempt to save the situation I stretched my hand out to him, a little overdramatically perhaps, and said, “Hi, I’m Christine.”

He shook my hand, which seemed to make him even more embarrassed.

Anke was unmoved. She stroked his blond locks and said, “So you’re on a spree at Stilwerk? Are you girls earning too much, or what?”

She giggled. David carefully freed his shoulder from her grip. I searched for a noncommittal answer, but Luise beat me to it.

“Exactly.” She waved to the waiter. “We’d like to pay please. And we still have a lot on our list. I’ll just pop around the corner again, and then we have to push on. So, Anke, David, I hope you have a good day.”

She stood up, nodded to them both briefly, and disappeared in the direction of the restroom. Anke looked at me, astounded.

“She’s getting more and more arrogant. Christine, I really don’t understand why you hang around with her.”

I tried to catch my breath and find an answer, but David saved me. “Come on, Anke, we have to be at the fish restaurant on the harbor at twelve.”

He smiled at her with effort, and she looked up at him with a smile that was equally forced.

“Oh yes, we must dash.” She patted my shoulder. “Enjoy the rest of your shopping then, Christine. How’s single life treating you? Well, hopefully it won’t be forever. But keep your head up until then.”

I didn’t need to answer. David pulled her towards the exit, and she didn’t turn around again. Luise came back to the table at the same time as the waiter and the bill. I already had the money in my hand. After I’d paid, I looked at Luise, who was putting her cigarettes in her bag and standing up.

“So who was that?” I asked.

Luise shrugged her shoulders. “That was so typical of Anke. Always making things embarrassing, always putting her foot in it and then blaming other people. I can’t bear her.”

I was astonished at the harshness of her reaction. “Oh, she’s not that bad. I felt a bit sorry for that David. Is he her boyfriend? What happened to Werner?”