Life After Forty (15 page)

For the next half hour I sat at the kitchen table, drank the coffee that Dorothea made for me, and watched in amazement as they took control of both my apartment and me. While Ines unpacked food and champagne bottles and tidied it all away into the fridge, Dorothea pulled her bags into the lounge while cheerfully humming “Happy Birthday.” I could hear her rustling paper, moving the table, and clattering things about.

I lit up a cigarette and drank my coffee. They would tell me if they needed my help. By now, Ines had packed everything away and sat down next to me with fresh coffee. She smiled.

“Forty.”

I smiled back. “When Mom was this old, I’d already finished my studies. That’s the only strange thing.”

Before we could get sentimental, Dorothea appeared in the kitchen doorway with her hands stretched out to the ceiling. “For she’s a jolly good fellow, for she’s a jolly…”

Ines interrupted her dodgy singing. “Are you done?”

Dorothea gave first her, then me, a sparkling smile.

“With the song, no not really, but if we don’t have time then fine. Christine, you can look now.”

My living room looked like the kind of birthday party any child would dream of. There were flowers and lit tea lights everywhere, the table was full of wrapped presents with Smarties sprinkled abundantly around them, and in the middle was a small cake, its candles burning brightly.

I was so moved that my eyes welled up and my throat felt itchy. Ines poked me.

“What’s up? Do you want to cry or unwrap?”

It took almost half an hour to unwrap everything. Along with the gifts of hand cream for aging spots, shampoo for thinning hair, and eye cream, the kind I’d been using for ages without any visible success, I got a sinfully expensive handbag from Dorothea, a pair of earrings from Ines, a voucher for the beach sauna from my parents, and a ticket to the Hagenbeck Zoo from my brother. On the envelope Georg had written, “Just think, our last visit to the zoo together was thirty years ago.”

I looked at Ines and Dorothea.

“It must be twenty years since anyone did all this for me on my birthday.”

Ines shook her head gently.

“I was talking to Dorothea in the car already about what your birthdays were like in recent years. Do you remember? Bernd always had to work, his family arrived at eleven a.m. and stayed until ten p.m., and you just stood in the kitchen making food the whole time.”

I could remember them clearly.

“I hated it. I was stocking up the food for a whole week beforehand and cleaning for three days before and three days after. I was always just happy when it was over.”

Dorothea looked at me questioningly. “So why did you do it every year?”

I thought for a moment. “I never had the courage to do anything different. That was just how it was. For Bernd’s birthday it was exactly the same thing all over again.”

Dorothea waved the thought away. “Sweetheart, that’s all in the past. Today you’ll see what birthday parties are really about.”

She looked at the clock. Ines followed her gaze.

“It’s half past ten already. Christine, just concentrate on getting out of that bathrobe. Your guests will be arriving in an hour.”

I’d completely forgotten about all the food and champagne.

“Who have you invited?”

Dorothea looked at me earnestly. “Bernd’s whole family of course.”

I looked back, stunned. But then she laughed. “That was just a bad joke, no, only nice people. Go and shower, and we’ll get the table ready.”

Two hours later my apartment had a real birthday atmosphere, full of the sound of voices and laughter. Ines and Dorothea had pulled the tables together and decorated them with flowers and candles, and in the kitchen there was an impressive buffet. Ines opened one bottle of champagne after the other.

I sat at the head of the table, feeling very special. To my right sat Georg, next to him Franziska, then Luise, then Marleen, who had phoned to wish me a happy birthday on her way to Hamburg, saying that she couldn’t make it. Half an hour later she rang the bell.

Nina sat opposite, next to Maren and Rüdiger, then Leonie and Michael.

Dorothea and Ines were taking charge of serving the food as if they were professional waitresses. I sat at the head of the table, feeling guiltily like a diva. My offer of fetching drinks was turned down with the retort, “Sit down! You’re forty and it’s your birthday!”

The conversation was loud and lively, and everyone was talking to everyone. Marleen and Luise were meeting for the first time, but they had heard a lot about each other through me and immediately got onto the topic of real estate agents with little pink jackets. Leonie and Ines were reminiscing about the weirdest of the apartments they had checked out for me, Franziska and Nina were talking about a concert that one of them had been to and the other one wanted to see, Dorothea was talking at the top of her voice with Maren in the kitchen about men and women and in particular about my pending divorce. I joined in a little bit with everyone. When I realized that Rüdiger, Michael, and Georg were discussing TV rights, I felt a pang and thought of Richard.

Just at that moment, Franziska glanced over at me. She raised her eyebrows questioningly, and I smiled at her and stood up. Walking by, I laid my hand on her shoulder and whispered, “It’s just my weak bladder.”

She smiled and I went to the bathroom. Fetching my mobile from the chest of drawers in the hallway, I closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bathtub. No new messages. I looked back at the last text message.

“Birthday kiss. See you soon. Richard.”

I brushed my thumb softly over the words.

“See you soon.”

I missed him. I so wished that he could sit with us at the table, and I would have loved to introduce him to everyone. I longed for his physical presence, for his stories, for the way he looked at me. In the next room sat the people who had helped me the most in these last months, and the person who was closest to my heart was missing. I’d told Richard everything about my friends and family, but they still didn’t know anything about him. At that moment I would have done anything to be able to kiss him. I wanted to share the day, the people, the conversations with him. But he was in Berlin. With Sabine.

I felt a lump in my throat. Someone knocked on the door.

“Are you feeling ill? I have to go.”

Marleen.

“Just a sec, I’m almost done.”

I pushed my phone into my trouser pocket, pressed the flush lever, and washed my hands. When I came out, Marleen gave me a quick hug and looked at me questioningly.

“Is everything okay?”

My answer was rushed. “Of course, I’m just so touched that you’re all here.”

She stroked my cheek.

“Well, you’ve earned it. They’re all great people.”

I nodded proudly, waited as she shut the door behind her, and then went back to the others. As I sat back down in my chair, the conversation fell silent. Confused, I looked around me.

“Is something wrong? Did I come back too soon?”

Ten faces smiled at me.

Michael raised his glass. “Don’t look so startled; I’m not going to make a speech. We were just talking about you, but only good things. You’ve been so amazing in the way you’ve stayed so composed through everything and…”

Leonie laid her hand on his arm and interrupted him.

“He says he’s not making a speech, but it sounds like one. Many happy returns, Christine. Here’s to your birthday, your new life, and…your composure.”

Everyone raised their glasses, and Rüdiger cleared his throat. “On the topic of composure, as your lawyer you know I still think you’re being far too nice when it comes to your soon-to-be ex-husband.”

At that moment, Marleen came back to her seat and nodded in Rüdiger’s direction.

“Oh yes, maybe she’ll listen to you. I told her from the start that she’s much too soft. Other women in Christine’s position would have at least torched the house or terrorized Antje with venomous phone calls. But Christine just takes a few things and goes. No stress whatsoever.”

Ines and I answered in unison. “Marleen.”

We looked at each other. I carried on.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything. As my grandmother always used to say, ‘Behave in such a way that you can still talk about everything two years later without having to change the story.’”

Ines nodded. “The saying that came to my mind is ‘You have to, and you can.’”

Maren groaned loudly. “The holier-than-thou family. Christine, my old man can really get some big bucks out of this for you if you want him to, and shoot dear old Bernd down while he’s at it.”

I shook my head. “People, please! I don’t want to talk about this. It’s fine as it is. I’m doing great, everything is much better than it was, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to prolong my old life. I want that chapter closed. Period. Now, can we change the subject please?”

Nina took up the suggestion. “Let’s do that. Rüdiger’s only making digs because your divorce won’t just be quick, but also cheap.”

She raised her glass at Rüdiger. He wagged his finger at her and made a play of looking distraught.

“It was just my opinion as a friend, nothing to do with work.”

Nina ignored him. “So, new subject. Christine, you’re almost done with all the stress now, so maybe it’s time you started to focus on your love life again.”

Charlotte whispered
, Richard.

Edith answered
, Hold your tongue.

Maren answered for me. “You’ll have to leave that one to Christine, Nina. When it’s meant to happen, it will happen.”

Nina wouldn’t let it go. “But you’ve been alone for eight months now. That must be horrible.”

Dorothea started to laugh loudly. “My dear, I’ve been living alone for three years, and I still find it wonderful.”

Ines stood up and collected the full ashtrays. “Now, let’s change the subject, and by the way, it looks like we’ve emptied another bottle already.”

Leonie tried to steer the conversation in another direction.

“Just don’t settle down again too soon. Find a lover first, no strings, just for the transition period.”

Seeing the uncomfortable expressions on Michael, Rüdiger, and Georg’s faces, I stood up and followed Ines into the kitchen. In passing, I said, “I’ll think about it. By the way, there’s still loads to eat. I’ll fetch fresh plates.”

In the kitchen Ines and Marleen were stacking the dishwasher. I started to wash the glasses by hand since they wouldn’t fit in the machine. As Ines was about to protest, I interrupted her. “I have to do something; my bottom hurts from too much sitting down.”

Franziska appeared next to me and grabbed a tea towel.

“Great idea. I’ll take over kitchen duty with the birthday girl, and we’ll be back before you know it.”

Marleen looked at me questioningly. I nodded. “Let me hang out here for a moment. Why don’t you open another bottle of champagne, and I’ll bring it across. Besides, Ines has barely eaten anything while she’s been serving everybody.”

Ines looked at Marleen, then reached for a plate and helped herself to the buffet.

“Marleen, do you want some too?”

She did, so the two of them went back to the others with their plates piled high. Franziska silently polished the glasses that I put down for her. She glanced at me twice, and I had the feeling she wanted to ask me something. After the third glass, she did.

“Was Leonie serious about you finding a lover?”

“I think so. She already suggested it once when we were at the sauna.”

Franziska energetically rubbed at the already dry glass. “That’s unbelievable.”

Astonished, I paused. I’d never seen Franziska as small-minded or excessively moral.

I tried to appease her. “Leonie doesn’t want a lover for herself; she was just suggesting I should. I’m sure she didn’t mean it that seriously.”

Franziska took the next glass. “It’s nothing against Leonie, I just think a suggestion like that is completely nuts.”

I needed to summon all of my energy not to let Charlotte into my mind.

“Oh Franziska, come on, it’s not like the streets of Hamburg are paved with lovers.”

She looked at me earnestly. “Christine, I think it’s great how you’ve coped these last months, and I’m really fond of you. You’re perfectly entitled to tell me it’s none of my business, but I was watching you earlier at the table and you looked sad a few times. And I saw you keep checking your cell phone. I’m sure you weren’t waiting for a call from your ex, and when Leonie said that just now, alarm bells went off.”

I put the glass down and looked at her. “What do you mean?”

She sat down at the kitchen table and thought for a moment before she answered.

“I could be wrong, perhaps it’s just bringing back memories of my own experience, but don’t start an affair with someone in your situation, especially not someone who’s tied down.”

I dried my hands and sat opposite her. “Is that what happened to you?”

Franziska looked at me. “Yes, and I’ll never do it again. Back then I thought I could handle it, and that all the stuff about what lovers have to go through was just a cliché. You know, birthdays, weekends, Christmas—there are enough novels and films about it all. But unfortunately, every one of the clichés is true.”

She paused and twisted her wedding ring. She saw my gaze fall on it. She looked up, smiled, and carried on.

“Eight years ago I was left just as despicably as you were. We weren’t married and had only been living together for three years, but it was a shock to me nonetheless. Afterwards I moved from Münster to Hamburg. I wanted to get away and make a new start, and above all, never to fall in love again. I was here alone for a year, knew a few colleagues, some women from exercise classes and so on. Everything was peaceful and manageable. I often felt lonely, but I didn’t mind.

“Over New Year I went on a skiing trip with my sister, and I met a man in the hotel there. His name was Hannes. He was a computer programmer and came from Hamburg. I thought he was amazing, and the feeling was mutual. He told me right away that he was married. His wife hated skiing, so he was there with a friend. Somehow, I was caught up in the moment back then and I didn’t care. To cut to the chase, we got involved with each other. It was great, it was unbelievably easy, and we were enamored with one another.