Life After Forty (7 page)

I looked at her.

“Yes, I’ve only got the one sister. But I’m not staying with her; I moved to Hamburg two months ago.”

Anke’s voice was piercing.

“How did none of us know about this? What happened? Have you met someone new? Tell us.”

She looked eager for gossip.

Franziska shot Anke a cutting look, then looked at me encouragingly. She raised her glass in my direction.

“So, welcome to the group. Now we’ll be able to meet up more often!”

Right then the waiter arrived to take our orders. The sound of chatter started up again. Luise touched my arm. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to put my foot in it. You just looked so well and relaxed. I didn’t really think it would be that. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather not. But it’s okay, you couldn’t have known.”

The waiter asked me what I wanted. I ordered pasta with pesto, the only thing that I could think of that quickly. I hadn’t even looked at the menu yet. Nina asked me for my new address, Judith offered her help in case I still needed it in the apartment, and Eva invited me to a reading at the bookshop in two weeks’ time. At the other end of the table Maren and Leonie were already on to new topics of conversation. I regaled Franziska and Luise with stories about my hunt for an apartment, Judith was in conversation with the waiter, and Nina and Eva talked about the author who was going to read.

I took my blazer off and hung it over my chair. Anke leaned over towards me.

“Christine, you’ve got something on your elbow. Did you hurt yourself during the move?”

I thought,
No, writing lists actually,
and tried to keep a straight face.

“Yes, something like that. It’s just a graze.”

The rest of the evening passed by just like the other gatherings we’d had. We talked about books, gossiped about other colleagues, compared our schedules, and rediscovered our enthusiasm for the book trade. I looked at Leonie, who was suppressing a yawn. Even Nina was carefully rubbing her eyes. She was the first to stand up.

“So, I’ll be the first to make a move. I’ve got an early start tomorrow; we’ve got a telephone conference at nine a.m. We pay at the front, right? So, I hope all of you get off to a good start with your appointments, and let’s stay in touch by phone. See you soon, girls.”

She winked at me and put her thumb and little finger into the sign for a telephone, telling me to give her a call. I nodded in agreement. I gave Luise, who was busy suppressing another yawn, a nod too and pulled my blazer from the back of my chair. As I pulled it on, she leaned over towards me.

“Christine, would you like to go out for dinner next week? Maybe on Wednesday?”

I was confused. We’d never had much to do with one another, and I’d never seen her as being nosy either. But I still said, “Sure.”

She answered quickly. “Great. Wednesday at seven p.m. in Cox on the Lange Reihe. Okay?”

She looked at me searchingly.

“It’s a date.”

Leonie and I went up to pay. Maren and Franziska joined us. Then we stood chatting for a few minutes in front of the restaurant.

Franziska rolled her eyes.

“Anke really gets on my nerves from time to time. One day I’ll end up wringing her neck.”

Leonie shrugged.

“She’s not always like that. At times I feel sorry for her.”

Franziska shook her head skeptically.

“Leonie, I know you’re the good cop and I’m the bad cop, but if she mentions the name Werner one more time I’ll scream.”

Maren looked in her handbag for her car keys. Once she’d found them she turned to me.

“By the way, in case you didn’t know, my husband is a lawyer. If you haven’t already got something organized, I can make an appointment with him for you.”

I winced. “I’m not even sure yet if and when we’re actually getting a divorce. You know, all the paperwork and taxes and everything.”

Leonie gave me a horrified look. “I can’t be hearing right. You’re not seriously telling me you want to stay married to that asshole?”

Maren discreetly moved past the question.

“Well, the offer’s there if you need it. Get home safely, and I’ll see you soon. Bye!”

I watched them go, and then I followed Leonie to her car. Starting the engine, she looked at me.

“I really hope that your indecisiveness about the divorce changes. You should definitely go and see a lawyer; it’s not enough just to see your tax consultant. There’s still the matter of alimony and inheritance entitlements, otherwise you’ll have him—along with that old trout—around your neck for years.”

“Leonie, can we please stop talking about it? I’ll think about it. Just not this evening.”

She nodded. “Okay, fine. But I’ll be bringing it up again.”

After a short pause she asked, “So what does Luise want from you?”

“No idea, but she wants to have dinner with me on Wednesday. In Cox. I was surprised too.”

“Cox is a real hotspot, very chic, very expensive; it suits her.”

I thought about Luise. I knew nothing about her.

“Do you know much about her? I can’t even imagine her outside of work.”

Leonie thought for a moment.

“She’s very private. I’ve never seen her in Hamburg apart from at our gatherings. I see the others now and again for a beer or on birthdays, but she never comes out. Judith told me that she’s been living in Eppendorf with her boyfriend for years, but Judith’s never met him.”

“I bet he’s a great guy. Beautiful women tend to have beautiful men.”

Leonie nodded. “I imagine her living in a huge, old building, painted white, with designer furniture, antiques, a designer Bulthaup kitchen, and a boyfriend who looks like George Clooney and is a plastic surgeon or owns a gallery.”

“Leonie, watch out for those prejudices of yours.”

“Well, you can find out for yourself on Wednesday. You’ll see how on the ball I am. Just ask her.”

“You just want me to because you’re nosy.”

Leonie laughed as she turned onto my street. She stopped in front of my house, leaving the motor running.

“So, sleep well, have fun, and get her to show you some pictures on Wednesday.”

I got out. “Thank you for the lift. I’ll call you.”

I walked towards the front door, keeping a safe distance from the hedge.

S
itting on the subway, I looked at my reflection in the window of the subway car.

My hair was neither bouncy nor hip today. I hadn’t managed to style it the same. My skin looked blotchy, which I hoped was just the light. My outfit wasn’t bad though. Dorothea had cleaned out her wardrobe and brought two pairs of trousers and three shirts by for me. Just looking at the labels had made me feel a little faint. I had a rough idea of what Dorothea had originally paid for them.

She shrugged. “I get everything cheaper, and besides, I haven’t worn these in years. They have to go. They’ll suit you, so either you take them or I’ll shove them in the clothing recycling bin.”

I took them.

One of the trousers was brown, wide-legged, with pockets and drawstrings on the seams. They were cut on the bias, and Dorothea—the fashion expert—said they were made for me. To go with them she gave me a white linen shirt. Before leaving my apartment I had one final glance in the mirror and had thought that I was dressed perfectly, but looking at my reflection now I was unsure again. Edith knew the reason why.

You can try as hard as you like, but you’ll still look like a country bumpkin next to Luise.

Charlotte was lost for words. I sighed and ran balm over my lips instead of lipstick. I had plans to meet a colleague for dinner but was acting as if I had a red carpet premiere. My insecurity annoyed me.

Luise was perfect. Women who looked like that and yet were successful and charming at the same time always seemed to polarize opinion. Whoever met Luise was either enchanted by her or intimidated. I belonged to the second group.

I’d seen her in action in a bookshop once. I arrived too early and she hadn’t finished with her appointment, so while I waited I watched her. She sat, surrounded by four booksellers, in the office area. She was speaking in her pitch-perfect voice about her books, illustrating their storylines with elegant hand movements, fixating her audience with her green eyes. They hung on her every word and ordered with abandon. Once she finished, she thanked each of them with a handshake and a smile, waved to me, and glided out of the shop. Everyone watched her go.

One of the buyers turned to me and said, “What an enchanting woman.”

I didn’t say a word. With a glance at his watch his expression became businesslike again. “I didn’t realize it was so late already; we’ll have to get a move on, but never mind, you’re usually quick.”

It seemed Luise’s spell had already faded from the working atmosphere. Next to her, everyone seemed boring and inadequate. I had no desire to feel like that. I debated whether to cancel, saying I was ill, and go back home.

The train stopped at the main station.

Charlotte convinced me.

Just think what you were like six months ago; now you’re wearing designer clothes, and you’re a single woman in the big city. So come on, off you go.

I stretched my back and got off.
I’ll just stay for a couple of hours and not talk about anything private,
I thought, and walked towards the escalators. As I was just a few meters from Cox I heard a voice behind me.

“Christine, wait.”

Unmistakable.

I stopped, turned around, and saw Luise coming towards me. She was walking quickly, with long strides and flowing arm movements. Her black dress was knee-length, and her shoes made her look even taller. Her short red jacket shone. As if she was on a catwalk, I thought, feeling short and fat.

She came to a stop in front of me, beaming.

“You’re early too; I always thought I was the only one that did that. I’ve really been looking forward to this evening. Shall we go in?”

She opened the entrance door and walked into Cox. I followed, feeling clumsy. The waiter who met us looked just as impressive as the restaurant in his dress suit.

I heard Edith’s voice:
I hope you’ve got enough money; otherwise, this could be very embarrassing.

I mentally added up the contents of my purse. I had brought my credit card too, just in case. I tried to relax.

In a loud voice, Luise gave her name to confirm the reservation of the table. The impressive waiter led us over to one by the window. We sat down. I looked around, and Luise did the same. When I recognized three TV actors at a neighboring table I glanced at her quickly, and I wanted to say something. Seemingly unimpressed, she had already immersed herself in the menu, so I controlled myself.

After a while she looked up. “Your new hairdo looks great on you, by the way, much better than before. And you should wear white more often; you’re so beautifully tanned.”

I was embarrassed, and I thanked her briefly. Luise beckoned to the waiter.

“Would you like an aperitif?”

I nodded. Luise ordered two Kir Royales. I felt like a celebrity.

When the drinks arrived, Luise offered me a cigarette from a silver case. She smoked the same brand as me. So, we had at least one thing in common, I thought with a smile. I took a cigarette, and she offered me a light, staring at me with her green eyes.

“So, Christine, I won’t beat around the bush. I want to talk to you about your breakup.”

I choked and started coughing so much that my eyes filled with tears. Luise watched me quietly, waiting until I calmed down again. I tried to catch my breath.

“Sorry, I choked.”

“So I saw. All better now?”

“Yes, thanks.”

I drank some water. Then I looked her straight in the eye.

“Why do you want to know about it? I never had you down as being particularly nosy.”

“No, it’s not about being nosy; I gave the wrong impression. It’s just that…well, I’ve never spoken to anyone about this. I’m in a bit of a bad situation at the moment. I’ve been contemplating separating from my partner for months and keep losing my nerve each time I try to see it through. I’m scared. And then I saw you the other night. You looked completely different; tanned, great hairdo, and you seemed so well-adjusted and happy. Over the course of the evening it occurred to me that maybe you could help me, tell me how you managed it.”

She means me, I thought, flabbergasted.

The waiter came back with his notepad poised.

“Have the ladies decided?”

“Do you eat fish?” Luise asked me.

I nodded, but stayed silent.

Luise glanced briefly at the menu. “Good, then we’d like a bottle of Sancerre and two of the fish tasting menu.”

She clapped the menu shut and handed it to the water.

“Serve the wine very chilled please.”

The waiter nodded assiduously and went.

I stared at Luise. Perhaps she’d just been joking.

“You look so pensive, Christine. This is my treat, by the way.”

I protested. “Nonsense. Why?”

She waved my protests aside and lit up a cigarette.

“I don’t usually talk about my private life, but I had a feeling that I’d like to talk to you. I’m not used to feeling like that, and so that I don’t get a guilty conscience about bombarding you with my problems, I’d like to pay for dinner. Please accept.”

My astonishment about the evening slowly died away. Right now, she looked very vulnerable.

“You really don’t need to pay me to listen, but if you really want to treat me to dinner, then thank you. Even though, as I said, it’s not necessary. I often needed someone to listen to me over the last few months. It really helps,” I said.

The waiter came back with the ice cooler and wine and provided Luise with a distraction with the usual procedure of tasting and pouring. Once both wine glasses were full, I raised my glass and nodded to Luise.

“So, start.”

Luise took a sip, a deep breath, and began. As she spoke, the clichés that I had built up in my mind about her disappeared one after another.

Her parents had separated when Luise was fourteen.

“It was like something from
War of the Roses
. My father is a teacher, a typical civil servant with all the accompanying principles. My mother worked in a boutique and as a fashion designer too. They were always arguing. And then, when she was almost forty, my mother fell in love with an Italian hotelier while we were on vacation together. So intensely that although she came back to Frankfurt with us, she ended up moving to Milan two months later. My father was furious.”

She gave a pained smile. “I stayed living with my father, finished school in Frankfurt, and then went to study fashion design in Berlin.”

Luise’s father was as disapproving of Berlin as he was of her decision to study fashion. When she still hadn’t come to her senses after two years, he cut her off financially.

I was appalled. “And what about your mother?”

Luise shrugged. “She stayed out of it, and I don’t think she was too bothered. She’s been in Milan for twenty-five years now and has burned all her bridges here. I sometimes visit, but after four days she gets on my nerves. We have very little in common.”

Luise looked for a job. By chance she found one in a bookstore, and after half a year the owner offered her a training position. She accepted, and her interest in books overtook her interest in fashion.

“It was a wonderful time in my life. I was sharing an apartment with two of my colleagues, we got along well, the job was great, and then I fell in love too.”

Dirk was a carpenter. He was renovating part of the bookshop and fell head over heels in love with Luise.

“I’ve never been wooed like that. It was like something in a movie. Every day he would bring something for me—sometimes a rose, sometimes a baguette for lunch, sometimes cinema tickets. We got along so well with each other, and everything was so easy with him. After my parents’ marriage I hadn’t even believed something like that could be possible.”

After Luise ended her studies, Dirk began his. He wanted to become a schoolteacher, so Luise supported them both financially.

“That sounds familiar,” I said. “It was exactly the same with us. Let me guess, while he was studying things were still great, but as soon as he finished, he changed.”

Luise looked at me in surprise. She pushed her empty starter plate aside. We hadn’t even paid any attention to the food.

“Exactly. When we moved to Hamburg eight years ago, everything was fine at first. Dirk loved it at his school, I became a rep, we got an apartment in Eppendorf. I thought things would just get better.”

When the main course was served, we tried to pay more attention to it. It tasted delicious. With her mouth full Luise said, “Dirk hates fish.”

I swallowed first and then answered, “Bernd hates expensive restaurants with small portions. He doesn’t get it.”

Luise continued with her story. It all sounded very familiar to me. Two different lives, held together by the bonds of many years and a shared daily routine. Friendly interaction without physical closeness. Shared plans for holidays and purchases as a way of proving to yourself that you have a future. Day by day, year by year, the same old routine.

Luise rubbed her eyes. “And then, two years ago, I was at the book fair. We had an event in a Frankfurt bar; I tipped over a glass of wine and met Alex. He’s a press manager in Berlin. We talked the whole evening and the whole night, and then ended up in my hotel room.”

I listened, fascinated.

The dessert plates lay before us, untouched. We were no longer hungry. Emotions can sometimes be very filling.

“To cut a long story short, we met up again. Two weeks later, when I was visiting my father. Then again when he had business in Hamburg. I’ve been having an affair for two years now. On the one hand it’s wonderful, but on the other the guilt is destroying me.”

I offered Luise one of my cigarettes.

“And now you want to leave Dirk?”

Luise looked at me sadly.

“I didn’t want to at first. After all, Alex was with someone too, and we talked about the fact that neither of us wanted to separate from our partners. We just wanted to enjoy each other, have it as something special. But since February everything’s turned upside down. Alex has left his partner, and although he said the decision wasn’t just to do with me, I still feel under pressure.”

“My separation was in February too.”

I wasn’t sure if I said it out loud or just thought it. Either way, Luise didn’t pick up on it.

I touched her hand as she played with her lighter.

“So how can I help you now?”

“You’ve already helped me. I’ve never told anyone this before. Just looking at you helps me. You’ve got it all behind you now, and you look so good, and that makes me feel less scared.”

I had the feeling I needed to set something straight, but I stayed silent.

“You know, Christine, despite all the difficulties, Dirk is my home, more of a home than I’ve ever had. If I stay, I have security. Perhaps love and passion aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things. On the other hand, I can’t begin to imagine my life without Alex. It would kill me.”

She looked at me. Her mascara was smudged.

“It did me good to talk about it all. I hope I didn’t offload on you too much.”

I thought about Ines, Marleen, and Dorothea and smiled at her.

“That’s what evenings like this are for. My friend Marleen said to me, ‘In half a year’s time you’ll be laughing about it all.’ My sister writes lists. You’ll get through it in your own way, I’m sure of that.”

Later, we walked to the cab line at the main station. Luise hugged me and whispered, “Thank you” in a voice that almost brought tears to my eyes. As I sat in the cab on my way home, I felt very happy to know Luise.