Life Is Not a Reality Show (6 page)

Now, before we end class for today, one more thing.

What if you’re doing everything right but you’re not getting the results you want? What if you’re speaking his language, you’re exuding confidence, you’ve got your fabulous life going on, and you’re not counting the hours and minutes and seconds before he calls? You’re treating yourself with respect and insisting on the same from him, and you’re not boring him with the saga of your favorite lip gloss. You haven’t even given in to temptation and gone to bed with him, because you’re giving the two of you time to really get to know each other first. You’re playing by the rules and you’re playing smart, and yet he seems to be avoiding you. You’re feeling some resistance from him, but surely that can’t be true. You’re just being paranoid, right?

As you might imagine, egos grow amok in Beverly Hills. Oh yes.

Occasionally you might even find that someone you care about is letting her ego run wild. I’m not the kind of person who keeps things inside. If I feel something important about someone I care about, I talk to them. I’m not two-faced; if I’m going to complain to my husband about a friend’s behavior, then I have to be willing to say the same things directly to my friend.

So if a friend of mine is acting out of control, I talk to her about it with as much kindness as possible. I’ll say, “You know, I love and care about you, and that’s why I’m talking to you about this. I hope I’m not hurting you by raising this with you, but I think perhaps you’re not aware of how you’ve been acting lately and how it’s affecting others.”

No matter how nicely you say it, it doesn’t always go over well. Some people are open to seeing their flaws and will appreciate your honesty and thank you for pointing things out to them. But some people really won’t! Oh well. I hope my friends would do the same for me.

Wrong. If you’re sensing that the guy is putting distance between you, you’re probably right. Don’t try to make yourself feel better by dismissing your gut feeling. That’s the moment to begin giving him some space. Give him some time to come around. If he wants you, he
will
come around.

And if he doesn’t come around? Well then you don’t want
him
. Why would you want someone who wasn’t sure of his feelings for you? You think far too much of yourself for that.

You deserve someone who totally wants to be with you.

Sometimes it can be a struggle to come up with that kind of confidence. But remember: fake it till you make it!

Faking it till you make it is a great way to come across as the kind of self-assured, independent woman that men love to pursue. It’s called the code of the jungle; you have to trigger a man’s natural urge to chase you.

I’m a little nervous sharing my secrets like this, because I know my husband will read this book and I don’t want him to find out all my little tricks. Ha-ha! Maybe I’ll just have to black out parts of it, because I definitely want you to have access to what I’ve learned.

For example … here’s something I found out early on during my course of studies at Dating U: if you want to be conversant in the language of men, you have to realize that they are competitive by nature. They tend to want what other men want. It’s just plain human, really. It’s like the super-hot Christmas toy that kids have to have because all the other kids have to have it!

Sometimes men need to be gently reminded that you’re a hot commodity—you’re on other men’s wanted lists! It’s part of playing the game, communicating with them on a primal level that they comprehend deep down. It’s not so much that you have to make them jealous. You just have to make them realize they’re not the only lions in the jungle!

Once when I was quite young I resorted to sending myself flowers “from a secret admirer.” Roses. Red roses! It’s so ridiculous, but it worked. This trick is an oldie but a goodie!

It’s different when you’re married, though. Why would you want to make your husband jealous if you’re married? I would never do anything to try and make Mauricio believe another man was interested in me. I think once you’re in an exclusive, long-term relationship it’s very sexy to a man to know that he’s the
only
one you’re interested in. (Not during the dating phase, girls! After they pop the question!)

But that doesn’t mean I don’t try to look my best when I go out with Mauricio so he’s proud to have me on his arm. I try to be upbeat and have fun and be engaged with people. I might even dance extra sexy. I act like an attractive woman, and if there are men around who find me attractive and possibly even show it, well, it doesn’t hurt!

I mentioned before that when Mauricio and I started dating, we spent almost every waking minute together. So I was very surprised when he said to me one day, “I have some friends coming to town, and I’m going to have to ignore you this weekend.”

Uh, excuse me? Did you say
ignore
me?

Well, this is strange
, I thought.
Why wouldn’t I be invited to come along with his friends?
It didn’t make sense, and I didn’t like it.

So I called my ex-boyfriend, who was my good friend, and asked him out to dinner. And I suggested we go to The Gate, which was the hot club at the time and the one where Mauricio went almost all the time. I pretty much knew he would be there. And then I went out and bought the shortest, tightest, sexiest dress I could find. I took forever getting ready that night because I knew I had to look my absolute best. It was as important as my wedding day, as far as I was concerned. It’s what was going to
get
me my wedding day! Ha-ha!

So my “date” for the evening and I went to dinner then went to The Gate and walked right past the table where Mauricio was sitting with all his friends. His jaw dropped.

After a while he came over and said, “Hi, honey,” very normally. But I said, “Hello,” rather formally, then said, “Okay, well, have fun! I’ll see you later.” Like, skedaddle!

He could not stop looking over at my table. He couldn’t concentrate. He was definitely not ignoring me! And then, lo and behold, I couldn’t have scripted it better—my ex-fiancé walks into the club! He was the man I’d been seeing right before I met Mauricio. So I swung into action. I quickly jumped up and said to my date, “We have to go!” and dragged him along as I headed for the door. And I timed it perfectly so that we’d bump into my ex-fiancé right in front of Mauricio’s table!

When my ex-fiancé saw me, he got upset, because the breakup had been hard on him. “How could you have done this to me?” he said. “Look at me—I’m a disaster!”

He started reaching for my hand, and the guy I was with, whom I’d known for years and who was really more like a friend, said, “I’m going to have to ask you to take your hand off her!” And that did it, they started fighting.

Then Mauricio jumped up and said, “Do you need any help?”

It was kind of hilarious! I waved my hands rather dramatically and said, “No, no, please! Let me handle this!” I told them to stop, announced that I had to go, and marched out.

I had my date take me right home, because after that scene I figured I’d made my point, and I didn’t want Mauricio to think I was ending up in someone else’s bed.

Then I just waited. I estimated the phone would be ringing in about twenty minutes. Sure enough, tick tock tick tock, the phone rang, and it was Mauricio. “Are you okay?” he said.

“Oh, yes,” I sighed. “It was just a very awkward situation, just terrible.”

Then he explained to me that before he’d met me he’d been kind of seeing a girl in Mexico whose family was close to his parents. He’d invited her to L.A. before he met me and didn’t know what to do about it. He told his mother, “I’m in love with Kyle and now I have this girl coming!”

She told him to be a man of honor and take her out with his friends and explain the truth to her.

So that’s what he did. The girl was at his table that night.

I tortured him that night and the next day and then decided that was enough. The rest of the weekend I was with him and his friends again.

When you’re dating, it’s important for a man to understand that he hasn’t
captured
you. He can’t assume that you’ll be waiting for him if he chooses to ignore you. If you have to explain that to him in his language by showing up in a hot dress and walking right by him arm-in-arm with someone else, then so be it!

No matter what, make it clear that your life goes on, with or without him. And believe it yourself!

I always tell my husband that being married is like taking care of a plant. It has to be watered every day, and you cannot ignore it. My husband and I can’t take each other for granted, and we both have to tend to our relationship every single day.

In other words, ladies, your work isn’t done once he puts a ring on it!

As I told you earlier, my best tip for a successful marriage is to make sure you get the right guy to the altar. But even with the greatest guy in the world, sustaining a marriage and making sure it grows and thrives and blossoms requires effort and devotion from both of you.

Later on I will speak to what he needs to do (since sometimes a little bit of instruction is necessary, especially if you marry very young). But before we get to that, I want to tell you what I’ve learned in my own marriage—actually in both of them—about how a woman can water that plant and make sure the romantic bonds stay healthy and strong. Sometimes you’ll want to dig up the whole garden and stomp away, but stick with it!

Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. Now I want to go back to the idea that selecting a mate is a lot like hiring someone for a really important job. Earlier we concentrated mostly on your role as the hiring manager, but it’s actually a mutual process. He’s also deciding whether or not to hire you. Once you’re married, congratulations—you got the job!

But the job’s not over once you’re hired. In many ways it has just begun.

I did not understand this in my first marriage. I was too young and immature at eighteen to even be married, frankly. I married a good man and a good father, and we’re still very friendly. In fact, he and Mauricio even became friends! But when I married him, I didn’t understand the kind of commitment that was required of me. I thought, “Okay, I’m married, now everything will fall into place and I’ll live happily ever after.” No, marriage is work. The best work you can have, but still work! You have a lot to learn, and you have to apply that knowledge to your relationship. You have to commit to proving day after day that you’re still the best one for the job!

Once I had my daughter Farrah, I learned right away that being a mom came very naturally to me, even at such a young age. But being a wife was extremely challenging. Every time something went wrong, I thought,
Oh, I’m outta here, done, finished
. Growing up with divorced parents made me think you could always just leave. I didn’t have the tools to grasp the point of marriage—that no matter what, you’re in this for life. You’re building a family. You stick together.

I was bored at times too. My husband was quiet and shy and liked to play golf, and I found myself living the life of an older person, though I was just a kid. All my friends were starting college and here I was home nursing a baby. I didn’t even know how to make meals for someone. I thought,
Do I have to do this every day?
Oh my God, about the only dish I could come up with was tuna fish sandwiches!

What I eventually learned was that not only do you have to choose a good partner; you also have to be ready to step up and
be
a good partner yourself. You have to embrace commitment. It’s the most vital part of a real union and essential for creating a family.

A big part of that commitment is providing support and encouragement to your spouse. Everyone needs to be nurtured, and I believe it’s important to build up your husband as much as you can. I’m always reminding Mauricio how smart he is and how proud of him I am. It’s important for him to have that confidence to succeed in life. I see so many mistakes in marriages when women—and men—don’t support one another or work hard to build each other up.

And it does go both ways—your man should be your biggest cheerleader. I really needed that from Mauricio after my mom died. She was a very big support system for me; she made my sisters and me feel that we could do anything in the world. After she died and I lost that, I was suddenly going, “Wait. Hello! Somebody tell me I’m wonderful!” Mauricio did come through for me, but I didn’t leave it to chance. I told him what I needed.

You can’t expect your husband to magically figure out what you’re thinking. Don’t get mad if he doesn’t read your mind or divine your emotions. Sometimes you just have to tell him. I have said to my husband, “You know, sometimes I need you to acknowledge more of what I do as a mom, juggling four kids and trying to keep it all together, trying to look good.” When I’m explicit about what I need, I give him a fighting chance to supply it! Remember, men don’t have the same kind of emotional intuition that women do, the sensitivity that comes along with our natural roles as mothers and caregivers. So work with him to help him understand what you need and what will make you happy.

I’ve noticed that we women often have our own interpretations of what men say. For example: