Life Is Not a Reality Show (7 page)

Clear communication may not be easy. When I first married Mauricio, it was a real struggle to help him better understand me. In any marriage couples have to go through a period of learning about each other and about themselves, and it can be rough at first. For us, our youth made it particularly difficult. When we married, he was suddenly not just a husband but also a father to Farrah, and soon after that, we had a child together, Alexia. So it was the two of us, a seven-year-old, and a newborn in a two-bedroom apartment—and Mauricio was only twenty-six.

Sharing chores was a very challenging part of our relationship in the beginning, and he took a long time to learn. I had to tell him, “Excuse me, you need to be here helping me. I cannot do this all by myself!”

I vividly remember one day when I was pregnant with Sophia and could not stop throwing up. I literally had my head in the toilet and the other two kids were waiting for me to make lunch. My husband came in and rubbed me on the head and said, “I feel so bad for you, honey. You must feel awful. If you need anything, call me. I’m going to the golf course!”

Oh. My. God
. I said, “If you walk out that door, do not come back!” Ha-ha! And then I called his mom and said, “You better tell your son if he ever does that to me again, he’s going to be a very sorry man, because as much as I love him I will not tolerate that.” My mother-in-law is wonderful; she’s always got my back!

One time Mauricio did go out to golf or do his thing, whatever it was, at a very—shall we say—inopportune moment. I had just had one of the babies, so I was hormonal, and I believe at that time my mother was dying, and all of it was making me feel overwhelmed. I think I’m generally pretty grounded considering how I grew up, but I definitely have that fiery, Irish side in me. Usually it makes my husband laugh—unless there’s a shoe flying by!

Yes, that day I just lost it. When he came back from his little outing and walked through the door, I picked up a heavy clog and winged it at him. He ducked, then laughed at me and said, “What are you doing?”

I have for the most part outgrown that kind of behavior, and I never let my kids see that side of me. But when you’re working out the bumps early in your marriage, you can have those moments. So my suggestion to you is this: don’t wait until you’re ready to start throwing things at him! Tell him what you need, and that will help smooth things out.

Mauricio likes to tell people, “My wife understands that I wear the pants in the family… She just picks what color, what size, and which ones I put on in the morning.” Ha-ha!

So being supportive, and making sure that he’s being supportive, and seeing to it that both of your needs are being met—all that is great. But don’t forget that little thing called romance. You’re in love with this guy, so you need to continue to cultivate that passion between you with tender, loving care.

It’s surprising how many people, perhaps without realizing it, get that piece of paper saying they’re married and think that’s that. Then they just take each other for granted and become two complacent people living out their lives, not caring about how they look or act or treat each other. Maintaining the romance in your relationship is major. Huge. Ginormous! Don’t let him forget the sexy vixen he fell in love with.

Supporting my husband has never been as heartbreaking—or crucial—as it was one particular time early in our marriage, shortly after Alexia was born.

Mauricio had gotten a job, a big one, in a clothing company. It was a very good position, but he was too young for it, really, and we both knew it. And that’s what his bosses eventually decided too.

I will never forget seeing his face when he came home one day. I could tell he’d been crying. He said they’d let him go. It was so, so awful. The feeling I had was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I just wanted to grab him and hold him and say, “It doesn’t matter! We’ll be okay, no matter what,” because I knew we would be. We loved each other! But I could see how terrible he felt, and he was trying to keep up a brave face.

I kept thinking,
How can they do this to my husband! And at Christmastime! Don’t they realize we have a little girl and a baby and we have Christmas presents to get? How could they be so heartless?
But the pain I felt for my husband is unforgettable.

So after being devastated for a little while, we decided, hey, let’s not sit here and wallow in this. Let’s think. What could we do? We started brainstorming together, and after a while we came up with a great idea: we would go get our real estate licenses together!

And that’s what we did. We took the course together. I was so proud—he scored at the very top of our class. And believe it or not, I was number three. I had been so scared because here I was—tutored on the set all my life, didn’t go to college, thinking my math skills would never make it. And I’d overheard some people saying they’d taken the exams three times and failed. But not only did I pass; I got the third-highest score! I felt like Einstein!

After we got our licenses, Mauricio went to work for my brother-in-law Rick’s family firm, Hilton and Hyland. And now he is actually one of the top 10 brokers in the country. I’m so proud of him.

Thank God. Even though that was the worst moment of our lives, I thank God that those people let him go, because we sat down together and came up with the idea of going into real estate, which Mauricio was obviously meant to do. It made me realize the power of two people truly committed to their partnership.

Still, what I wanted to say to Mauricio that night—to reassure him that we’d be all right no matter what—is exactly the way I feel even now. The issue of money in this town can be ridiculous, but if something happened and we had no money anymore, I’d still be happy because I’d have my husband and my children. I do say to Mauricio, though, “I’d be 100 percent fine with no money—but I wouldn’t want to live here!” It may sound terrible, but we’d have to move! Ha!

Our plan B has always been that we would go to Vail, Colorado, and he could be a ski instructor (because he’s a phenomenal skier), and hopefully I would just stay home and bake cookies and be with my kids. That might be a luxury, though, and if I had to work, that would be okay too. I love it here in L.A., in Beverly Hills and Bel Air, because I was born and raised here. But sometimes a simpler life away from all of this sounds really great!

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting you dress to the nines all the time with every hair in place and a full mask of makeup on. I sure don’t live up to those standards—unless I’m going somewhere where the paparazzi might be lurking! Ha-ha! Of course you’re not going to get glammed up like you’re going out on the town. I’m not putting on my false lashes every day just to look good to my husband. That’s taking it to the extreme.

No, I’m just saying you should make an effort for your husband in the same way you did before he was your husband. Care about your appearance, and present your best self to him as much as you can. I know from experience how easy it is to let things slide, especially when multiple small human beings enter the picture. At times, after I’ve had a baby, just getting in the shower is about all I can manage!

Let me tell you a funny story that really opened my eyes about this.

Usually in the morning I just throw my hair up in a ponytail and do something my kids call a “ponyball.” They make fun of it—it’s like a ball on top of my head. Sometimes I forget and go out like that. So one day I went to the market with my ponyball and some old sweatpants on, and I must say I really did look like hell. I had Sophia strapped onto my chest in the Baby Björn and when I sat down outside the market to nurse her, this girl walked up and said, “Oh, hi! How are you? We met at an open house for one of your husband’s listings.”

She told me about how all her friends with her that day were looking at Mauricio and saying, “Who’s
that
? He’s so handsome!”

And then she said to me, kind of eyeing my oh-so-glamorous outfit, “With a husband like him you really shouldn’t be running around looking like that.”

OMG! I had to laugh, because she was right. I’ll never forget those words!

My mom always used to say, “Don’t run around in your sweatpants with no makeup, because you never know who you’re going to bump into.” Listen, I like to be comfortable, especially when I’m running errands with my kids, like going to Target or picking them up from school. So I’m not swearing off sweatpants. (In fact, I still sometimes go out the door in really scary sweatpants with frightening hair! And every single time I think,
Oh my God! Here’s my mom’s voice coming to haunt me!
)

But I try when I can to wear something comfortable but kind of pulled together, like casual leggings with a sweater. Or at least I try to make sure I’m showered and fresh, with my hair brushed. I don’t wear makeup during the day unless I have a lunch or event or something.

But I can do lip gloss! That’s not too much to ask!

My kids think it’s hilarious when I hear Mauricio’s car in the driveway and I run off to the bathroom to put on lip gloss, let my hair down, and make sure I smell pretty. “Why do you always do that?” they say. “It’s just Dad!”

“Because I want to look nice for your dad!” I tell them. Just because you’ve got that ring doesn’t mean you should just throw in the towel on basic upkeep. Of course I want to look nice and sexy for my husband. Not because I think he might cheat on me or something. No, you have to trust your husband. But he’s been working all day and really, do you want him to come home to see you in sweats, your hair a wreck, and find smelly, poopy diapers in the can? I try to look nice when Mauricio comes in the door, and we always kiss, because that’s a rule.

I also try not to look
too
shocking in the morning. I usually stumble out of bed and look at myself and think,
Holy Toledo, nobody wants to see that!
So I make a little bit of effort, which, believe me, is about all I can manage most mornings. I wash my face and brush my teeth right away, and I might even put some lip gloss on.

And… I know this sounds really ridiculous, but my eyebrows are so out of control that I usually brush them a little bit before I go downstairs to get my coffee. Fact!

These are all just little things that only take a few minutes—but it’s the effort that counts.

Of course, you can look like a million bucks every second of the day and still find that love connection with your husband fading. That’s because you also have to make time for the two of you—alone, without the kids. Among my married friends, date night is a cherished concept—though sometimes in theory more than practice! With the busyness of life, working and looking after the children, and taking care of everything else going on, who has time for date night?

Mauricio and I try to take one evening a week to go out together, just the two of us. We usually find ourselves heading to this old-school place called Ristorante Peppone, which has been around as long as I can remember. It’s really dark and has red leather booths. (I love that.) We sit very close together! I really make an effort, especially when we’re out on a date, to talk about things other than the kids or other domestic topics. You’re never too married to be a sparkling conversationalist!

Marriage is a work in progress. However you choose to do it, make your romance a priority. Devote yourself to maintaining the magic that made you fall in love with each other in the first place. Find the time to look into each other’s eyes. Tell him he’s sexy! Flirt with him!

I hope I’m not making it sound like my marriage is perfect. A lot of people tell me they hope they can have a marriage like mine someday, which I find very touching. I do think I have a great marriage, and Mauricio is truly my ideal man.

But sometimes I just wanna strangle him!

We were recently filming at a party at a ranch in Malibu, in this big open area, and Mauricio and the three younger girls were there with me. I went to get Portia some food and asked Mauricio, “Would you watch Portia for a minute?” So I come back—and no Portia. And of course the camera is suddenly right there, and they’re watching me look for my lost child. I’m thinking,
I’m gonna kill him! I’m gonna kill him!

Mauricio said, “I only turned around for two minutes!”

I raised my voice and said, “You can’t turn around for two seconds with a baby!” You know, men aren’t like we are. As moms we have eyes in the back of our heads. But meanwhile the camera is picking all this up.
Oh great. Thanks, honey!

We found Portia. She was with Farrah and she was fine, so my husband said, “Okay, she’s right here, don’t kick my ass!”

And I’m like, “Why do you say ‘kick my ass’? Any mother would be upset…” And so on and so forth. The conflict only lasted a few minutes and then we moved on, but it was unfortunate, because some people who watch the show already think I’m a ballbuster!

The shoe was on the other foot just last night when I almost burned the house down. Ha-ha! I put some eggs on to boil for Portia and then went upstairs to color with her and completely forgot about them. I had the door shut and we were laughing and the next thing I hear is this booming voice, “You’re burning the house down!” I opened the door and there was smoke everywhere—along with an awful egg smell.

I came downstairs and Mauricio had on this long face, glaring at me, and I got upset. “It was an accident,” I told him. “Why do you have to act like that?” But he gave me the silent treatment and we were actually mad at each other for another ten minutes.