Life on the Level (19 page)

I hang onto the doorknob. “Sure thing. Sign me up.”

I don’t even glance at Hutch as I exit the room, and it kills me.

• • •

Not looking at Hutch is harder than I thought. The next day I feel him everywhere. He’s there when I go for my walk—as I’m heading out on the trail, he’s on his way back. Despite the brisk fall air, he’s shirtless and in shorts. Still thinking about our kiss this morning, I’m ready to continue it. But as I start to take a step toward him, Maddie and Julie come jogging up from behind him, followed by Pete. Maddie and Julie burst into giggles as Pete runs past them, shirtless. Hutch just shakes his head and keeps his headphones on.

I break from the path and head into the woods. I’m getting better at orienting myself. Now that I’ve spent more time in the trees, I can tell the subtle differences between the patterns. I keep a lookout for the doe that likes to hang out here, but no such luck.

I spend lunch sandwiched between Vilma and Jermania, who ask if I’m actually going to hook up with Randy.

“I haven’t decided yet,” I say. “I mean, he’s totally hot. He just talks too much.”

Vilma tries to wave Hutch over, but he’s sitting with the other counselors today. “Well, if you do hook up with Randy, be sure to tell us every filthy detail.”

I smirk and bite down on an apple. It’s brown on the inside, and I end up throwing it out.

After lunch, I find myself being extra quiet during group. Maddie is telling a story about the first time she got blackout drunk. She woke up naked in her basement and didn’t remember getting there. She cried a little bit, but my feelings have started to change toward her. What looks like a sad, lost little girl is actually someone incredibly calculating. Someone like me. Perhaps I’m not the best con artist in this whole joint after all.

She stops me after group and nudges me in the ribs. “So, are you feeling better?”

I smile and take the arm she extends, like we’re schoolgirls skipping around between classes. “Much, thank you.”

“There’s more where that came from, you know.”

I give her a playful grin. “Really?”

“You didn’t… tell anyone?”

“Of course not! I can keep a secret.”

“Me too,” she says, just to say it. “Speaking of secrets, I heard you’re meeting up with Randy tonight.”

“From who?” That was fast.

She shrugs. “From Randy. He’s telling everyone. Did you know his parents own a burger chain in Iowa? I’ve never been to Iowa. Anyway, he’s rich.”

I can practically see the light bulb go on over Maddie’s head.

“I’m sure he rolls in his dad’s money before bed,” I tell her. I let that simmer. If I’ve read Maddie right, I bet she’s going to give Randy an invitation to the barn, even if she doesn’t trust me enough to invite me. She changes the subject right away.

“Are you going on the camping expedition next week?”

“I am. And you can’t laugh at me. It’s going to be my first time.”

“Well, let’s hope the third time is the charm when it comes to you and the great outdoors.”

“Let’s hope.”

• • •

Before dinner, I decide to go to the stables. Jillian is putting the horses away when she spots me.

“I’m so happy you’re feeling better,” she says. “Did you want to see Apollo?”

She leads me to his stable, and hands me a carrot. “When you’re done, just close the door.”

“I will.” I head inside to grab a brush. “Hey, boy, did you miss me?”

He licks his lips and yawns. I didn’t realize horses yawn.

“Of course you didn’t. You’re a horse.” I get into a rhythm brushing his flank. “You know, the only pet I ever had was a goldfish, and that ended with a flush down the toilet. Ever since then, my dad wouldn’t let us have pets.

“Even between the two of us, we couldn’t keep plants alive. I begged him to buy us a cactus after I did a report on the desert in junior high. The little ones with the tiny flowers. It was dead within the week. I’m less nurturing than the deserts of New Mexico. Isn’t that something? You don’t seem to mind me though.” I rub the spot between Apollo’s eyes, and he makes a funny noise. I give him his carrot, and he munches away.

“So this is where you like to hide,” Randy says, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

I jump. “I’m not hiding.”

He holds his arms up, like he means no harm. He leans against the frame of Apollo’s stall. He shuts his eyes and looks like he’s trying to find the square root of pi. He mutters something that sounds like, “trust fund.”

Then he drops his pants. He’s commando, and semi-hard. As if thoroughly offended, Apollo kicks his forelegs up.

“Put that thing away,” I hiss at Randy. I’m trying not to laugh at how stupid he looks, pantless in a horse stable.

“I thought… You said…” He backs away and looks around, panicked.

I scoff. “Dude, seriously. You think I’m going to have sex with you in front of all these horses?”

He looks up at the roof and curses. His blue eyes glimmer in the gaslight. He looks even more mortified when he looks down at his crotch.

Apollo and I exchange a long look, and I swear even the horse is embarrassed.

“Hold on a second,” Randy says. “This never happens.”

“Mmhmm.” I continue brushing Apollo’s mane. I wish I could say this is the strangest thing that’s happened to me, but I worked in a village dungeon for a stint.

“This almost never happens.” He spits on his hand and I’m forced to listen to the terrible sound of him trying to get it up. I just feel sorry for the horses.

“Randy,” I say. “Stop. You don’t have to do this.”

“You don’t understand!” He starts to cry. He pulls up his pants. “You don’t know. I think I just stole too many of my dad’s Viagra as a kid. Now I can’t get an erection without them.”

His hands are trembling. He turns around and looks at me with the most pathetic face. “I’m sorry. Please don’t punch me in the face again. You won’t tell anyone, will you?”

I sigh. This is your life, River Thomas. “Fine. But you have to do me a favor.”

“Anything.”

I tell him what I want him to say and he looks surprised.

“Are you sure you want that? Why?”

“You’re really not in a position to ask me questions.”

He smiles, and for a moment he almost looks like a good guy. He starts to approach me for a hug, but I put my arms way up to stop him.

“You’re okay, River.”

“I wish I could say the same for you.”

Randy leaves first, and I follow fifteen minutes later, locking the barn doors behind me. When I walk into the cafeteria all eyes are on me. It feels like high school all over again. Randy is sitting with a bunch of guys, whispering something and grinning from ear to ear. I wonder how much damage can be done in fifteen minutes. From the looks I’m getting, the answer is “a lot.”

I sit with the girls. I should be glad that my plan actually worked, but I’m not. I stab at my cold food and sulk. I don’t notice something is wrong until Vilma elbows me. Julie has her head in her arms and is sobbing.

“What’s the matter?” I pat her head.

Vilma and Maddie look at each other. They press their fingers to their lips and thumb in the direction of the counselor table. Hutch is missing. I feel his absence like a hole in my chest. I know where he is without even asking.

Julie sits up. She wipes her snotty tears from her face. She tries to speak, but her sobs shake her too hard.

“Hutch went out on a date tonight,” Fran says. “I heard him telling Simmons. Some nurse he met in Missoula. I bet he won’t be coming home tonight. She picked him up and everything.”

I feel myself start. Heat flashes across my skin. I press my hands on the table.
Don’t
cry. You told him to do this. This was your fucking plan in the first place. You are not allowed to get mad.

And I’m not mad.

It’s even worse than I imagined. I’m
hurt
. I’m hurt because the man I want did exactly as I asked him to. I’m not allowed to feel this way. I’m not allowed to show it.

“Good,” I say, pressing one hand on top of the other. “Maybe he’ll loosen up a little. Isn’t he so uptight?”

“River,” Maddie says, pointing her thumb at Julie.

“Sorry,” I mutter.

“It’s okay,” Julie says. Her shoulders slump towards the ground. Her eyes are red. She looks the way I feel inside. “I never really thought we could be together. I just love him so much, you know?”

I freeze when I hear how easily her proclamation comes out. Here I can barely say the word without flinching.

“Let’s have a happy story,” Maddie says, turning to me. “I heard you blew Randy in the stables. Details please?”

I was wrong. Fifteen minutes. That’s all it took to break a handful of hearts.

Helen calls me to her office first thing in the morning. I go through ten thousand scenarios of why she wants to see me. Hutch? No. Randy. Did Taylor say something? Does she think I’m not working hard enough on the party?

“I didn’t go down on Randy last night,” I blurt out as soon as I get through the door.

I realize too late that Hutch, Simmons, and Ransom are also in the office. Helen raises a stern eyebrow. She looks from me to the other counselors in the room. I want to die. I usually have a high threshold for humiliation. Hell, after everything I’ve put my friends through over the course of drunken nights out, I am the queen of morning regret. But here, with Hutch trying to mask the same hurt I feel, I can’t take it.

My plan has spectacularly spiraled out of control. This was my doing. But the awkward faces of the people in front of me are getting to be a little too much.

“Thank you for that, River,” Helen says, “but that’s not the reason I called you here. Although I am happy you’ve resisted Mr. Rider’s charms.”

“Oh,” I say, wishing I could press myself so hard against the wall that I’d go right through it. “Okay. What’s up?”

“I wanted to go over your file a little bit,” Helen says. “I got a strange inquiry about you, and I wanted to verify it with you.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. I nod.

“Someone claiming to be your uncle asked if you were staying here.”

“My parents were only children,” I say. “My only family are the two people listed.”

“Sky Lopez and Leti Delgado?”

“Yeah.”

They look concerned. I should tell them about the strange e-mail I received. I should tell them about the anonymous note someone left for me at the hospital. I should tell them about the text message. I know who’s looking for me. The fact that he’s found me shakes me to my very bone. I need to get out of here. Right now.

“What did you tell him?”

“I want you to know that everyone in this facility is on your side. If there’s someone who could pose a threat to you, someone you’re avoiding or afraid of, please tell us.”

“What did you
tell
him?”

“I said there was no one here named River Thomas, and that perhaps there was a mistake.”

“Could I talk to you alone for a second?”

Helen looks at the counselors, and they head out the door. I don’t have to turn around to see that Hutch lingers. Finally, he leaves. All of last night’s events feel like they happened to someone else. They feel so insignificant and far away.

“River, who is looking for you?”

I start to pace around the room. “After my dad died, I got into the most volatile relationship of my life. He was a poker player too. We met at a game one night, and a month later we were still together. It was one of those downward spirals that you don’t feel until you’re lying in an alley somewhere.”

Helen presses her hand to her lips. “Oh, River.”

“It’s not what you think. I mean, it could have been worse. He just pushed me through a glass window. It sounds terrible when I say it out loud, actually. I slashed his face in self-defense. Someone saw us fighting and called the cops. I tried to get a restraining order, but his damage was worse than mine, I was the one who was seen as the attacker.

“I didn’t hear from him again until this summer, after a family wedding. He’d been looking for me. When I was on my way here, I got a text from an unknown number. I turned my phone off and gave it to you to lock up. Then I got a weird e-mail. I know it’s him. I didn’t think he would find me. Then there’s the note…”

“What?”

I tell her about the note that was slipped among my other hospital cards.

“I wish you’d come to me sooner. Brought me the note.”

“I didn’t think he’d find me here. I’m sorry, Helen. But I have to go.”

I turn around and leave her office. Hutch is hovering outside in the hall. When he sees me, he starts to grab me and ask me what’s wrong, but I duck out of his hold. I can hear Helen’s steps right behind me. My hands are shaking. When I reach my room, I grab my duffle bag. I pull all of my clothes out of their drawers and throw them on the bed. I go to the bathroom. All I have there is a handful of toiletries. I don’t know where I’ll even go. I just know that I can’t stay here.

“River!” Helen and Hutch are at my door. They close the door behind them.

“You can’t keep me here, okay?” I say.

“Where are you going to run off to?” Helen asks.

I shove my clothes into my bag. “Anywhere. Canada. Alaska. Does it really matter, in the end? I chose this place because it was in the middle of nowhere and he still found me. What does it matter where I go? He’ll still find me.”

I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like there isn’t enough air in this room, in this building in the middle of the mountains. I pace back and forth. Then I remember the book under my bed. It’ll calm me down. I just need a little blue pill to bring me back down to earth. I lift my mattress and reach for the book.

“River!” Hutch says. “What are you doing?”

I come up empty. The book isn’t there. Someone was in my room.

I turn to Helen and Hutch. “I just want to go!”

Helen comes around and wraps her arms around me. “I will do everything I can to make sure no one can hurt you. If you run now you’re going to run for the rest of your life. I’ve already alerted the staff. If anyone inquires about you at all, they are to say that there is no one here by that name. Then we’ll forward that information to the police to establish a paper trail.”