Life's a Beach (28 page)
Authors: Claire Cook
Tags: #Humorous, #Fiction, #Romance, #Humorous fiction, #Massachusetts, #Sisters, #Middle-aged women, #General, #Love Stories
“Good thinking, dear,” my mother said. “Your father is just about there. I’d like to think, figuratively speaking, he has one foot in our new townhouse already.”
Geri handed me the shovel, and I flipped the little green circle of grass off the top of the hole with one expert flick of the wrist. I scooped out some dirt, then reached down and pulled St. Joseph out by his little plastic feet.
“There you go, big guy,” I said as I brushed him off.
Geri held out her hand.
I put him behind my back. “I don’t think so,” I said.
“But it’s my birthday,” Geri whined. “And, besides, you already have St. Christopher.”
“Exactly,” I said. “St. Joseph wants to play with St. Christopher.”
“The Church is frowning on that these days,” my mother said.
We both turned to look at her. “Good line, Mom,” Geri and I said at the same time. “Owe me a Coke,” we both said as fast as we could.
My mother gave a little curtsy, then held out her hand for St. Joseph. “I’ll take him to the townhouse with us for good luck,” she said.
I handed him over. “All right,” I said. “I guess they can visit each other.”
I gave Geri the shovel, and she started filling in the hole again. “So, what’s the scoop on you bringing Noah today?” she asked. “Must be love, it’s not even dark out.”
“Cute,” I said. She was making a mess of things, so I grabbed the shovel away from her and started doing it the right way myself.
“Too bad,” she said. “I was kind of rooting for the gaffer.”
“What
is
a gaffer anyway?” my mother asked.
“An electrician,” Geri said. “Everybody knows that.”
“Don’t talk like that to your mother,” my mother said. “Even if it is your birthday.”
“Sorry, Mom,” Geri said.
I put the circle of grass back and leaned on the shovel. “I don’t know,” I said. “I think it just hit me that I could spend the rest of my life leapfrogging from guy to guy, or I could stick around long enough to try to make it work with Noah.”
“Good girl,” my mother said.
“Well, just make sure you hang on to the gaffer’s contact info,” Geri said. “It never hurts to have a backup plan.”
“Thank you so much for your optimism,” I said.
A part of me was a little bit sad that I couldn’t have Noah
and
the gaffer, but most of me was ready to press delete. I fished my cell phone out of my pocket and found the gaffer on my speed dial.
I held up the phone. “Say good-bye to the gaffer,” I said to Geri.
“Don’t do it,” she yelled.
I had to. We gave the gaffer a moment of silence after he was gone, then Geri clapped her hands together. “You know, this reminds me of a joke I used to tell in fourth grade.”
“You are so bizarre,” I said. I started walking back to the garage with the shovel.
They caught up to me. “Okay,” Geri said. “What’s green and hops from bed to bed?”
“I don’t know, what?” my mother and I said.
“A prostifrog!” Geri said.
We looked at her blankly.
“I think you mean prosti
toad
, dear,” my mother finally said.
Geri let out a puff of air. “So that’s why nobody ever laughed.”
I put the shovel back in the garage and pulled the door shut. “You so didn’t get the joke gene,” I said. “And by the way, just because I haven’t been with the same guy since 1752 doesn’t mean I have a single promiscuous bone in my whole body.”
“Oh, puh-lease,” Geri said. “It’s not like I haven’t read your college diary.”
“Mom!” I said. “Did you hear that?”
The stereo blasted out from the house, and Eva Cassidy started singing “What a Wonderful World.” I thought about running up to my apartment to get Jazzy J so they could make it a duet, but I couldn’t seem to move. Her voice gave me shivers, like it always did. There was something about her singing that was so pure, so heartfelt, so simple. Maybe that was art. I wondered if a piece of jewelry I made would ever make anyone feel this way.
Geri had already ordered the Life’s a Beach bottles online, so I just might find out soon enough. One thing about going into business with my sister, she was pretty productive once she stopped obsessing about turning fifty.
The door opened, and Noah and Sage and the kids came running out of the house. Noah squatted down so Becca could climb onto his back, and Riley jumped up on Rachel’s. They piggyback raced across the yard with Sage chasing after them.
My father came out next. He stopped and pulled up his matching tan socks, then put one hand behind his ear and tilted his head. “I knew there was nothing wrong with those speakers, Toots,” he yelled over the music. “Can you believe someone left them at the Take It or Leave It? Good thing I already had them in the trunk before those coppers caught me.”
My mother sprinted across the yard to meet my father, and they started to dance. Seth came out and started walking over to Geri. “Five more minutes on those coals,” he yelled.
I turned around, and Noah and the kids were right behind me. Riley looked down from Rachel’s back. “Sorry about your car, Aunt Ginger,” he said.
“That’s okay,” I said. “Sorry about your movie.”
“It’s okay. Manny said he’d send me a video.”
Rachel galloped off with Riley. Becca jumped down from Noah’s back and ran after them. Sage waited until Noah gave her a pat, then she was right behind them.
“Hey,” Noah said. He leaned over and gave me a kiss in broad daylight. He smelled like charcoal and dog, which was sexier than it should have been.
“Hey,” I said.
We smiled at each other for a moment or two, then he handed me something wrapped in newspaper. “Here, I made this for you. Your father told me how you get jealous when Geri gets presents and you don’t.”
“Don’t ever forget that,” I said. I unwrapped the crinkled newsprint. “It’s gorgeous,” I said. “What is it?”
“It’s a frog palace. Basically, it’s a variation on the toad abode. I’m not sure how functional it is, and I don’t know if essentially you’re ever going to improve on the lily pad, but that was the vibe I was going for.”
I turned it around in my hands so I could get a better look. The swoop of the green glass roof was so graceful I wanted to shrink myself down so I could walk through the front door. “Wow,” I said. “You’re amazing. I’d love to live in one of these. It doesn’t come in a larger size, does it?”
“Of course it does,” Noah said. “Move in with me, and I’ll whip us up a bigger one.”
“Just like that?” I asked.
“Just like that,” Noah said.
When we stopped kissing, Eva Cassidy was still singing, though she’d moved on to “Blue Skies” now. My parents were still dancing, and Geri and Seth were dancing now, too. Rachel was pushing Boyfriend and the kittens around in the new double cat stroller my father had found for them, and Becca and Riley each held one of Sage’s front paws while they circled around together.
“Hey,” I said. “You don’t want to dance, do you?”
“Sure, I do,” Noah said. “I thought you’d never ask.”
USER’S GUIDE TO THE
Fun, Feisty, & Fabulous
ALL NEW & EVEN FABBIER EDITION
TAKE TWO
Wedding videos by a real pro. Capture the scope, the enormity, the epic impact of your special day.
THE MORE THE MERRIER
You can be massaged by five people at once at the Energy Bank in London. Conveniently located near the Shoreditch stop on the London Underground. 132 Commercial Street, London, E1 6NG. 020 7650 0718.
LIFE’S A BEACH
Cutting-edge sea glass jewelry plus our signature Life’s a Beach bottles to fill with sand on your next romantic trip to your favorite beach. Call Ginger or Geri at 781-555-LIFE to schedule a Life’s a Beach home party.
COSMONAUT FOR A DAY
Experience Moscow and true weightlessness at the same time. Each exotic zero-gravity maneuver provides a major twenty-six-second adrenaline rush. Breakfast included.
YO, MUTT’S UP?
Pooch parties, mutt mingles, and the very best in luxury dog and cat items, including pup pastries and cattitude T-shirts. A utopia for parents and their four-legged substitute children.
SPARKS WILL FLY
Very experienced gaffer will head up the electrical department on your next film. Also available for house calls between movies.
WHEN YOU REALLY NEED IT
These actors will pretend to be your own personal fan club and scream, faint, and beg for your autograph. Entertainment Express. 1-800-939-7737.
ART AFFAIR
Join the hundreds of artists and master craftspeople who gather every summer in Laguna Beach for Art-A-Fair, Southern California’s fastest growing arts festival.
MAKE IT TO MARSHBURY
Like Mayberry RFD, but with better beaches. Don’t miss the Marshbury Beautification Committee’s annual house and garden tour.
www.marshburymassachusetts.org
FIND YOUR INNER GUTSY WOMAN
Gutsy Women Travel was created to celebrate the indomitable spirit within every woman to experience the world. Amalfi? Am-sterdam? Start packing. Call 866-IMGUTSY.
RED HAT REVOLUTION
Fun after fifty for women of all walks of life. You must attend functions in full regalia—red hat and purple outfit.
DIP ME IN CHOCOLATE
At the Spa at The Hotel Hershey, you’ll experience the Whipped Cocoa Bath and the Chocolate Bean Polish, and luxuriate in the Chocolate Fondue Wrap. 100 Hotel Road, Hershey, Pennsylvania.
NOAH THE GLASSBLOAH
Award-winning hand-blown glass art. Witches’ Balls a specialty. For open studio schedule and portfolio photo gallery, go to the website.
BACON OF THE MONTH CLUB
One pound of the best artisan bacon delivered one day a month for a year, whether you need it or not. Pig pen (ballpoint) and T-shirt included with membership. Call 888-472-5283.
DIVINE INTERVENTION FOR YOUR HOME
Make sure your house is the first on the block to sell with this genuine plastic St. Joseph statue, sealed in clear wrapping to protect it from the dirt. Instruction booklet included.
MALAYSIA MAY I?
Hoo boy, how long has it been since you’ve been to Malaysia? One hundred traditionally crafted bungalows and suites re-create seventeenth-century Malay dwellings. Pristine five-mile beach. Tanjong Jara Resort. Call 011-60-9-845-1100.
GORGEOUS GUMBALLS
Triple-head vending machine with chrome stand combines three full-size vending machine heads into one machine, tripling your options—and your pleasure. Every family should have one.
LLAMA DRAMA
Trekless too long? A three-hour trip from Northern Vermont Llama Company costs a mere $45 and will be the high point of your trip to Waterville, Vermont. Call 802-644-2257 before your friends beat you to it.
FIGGIN’ UNBELIEVABLE
Fruits of the Shore signature treatment inspired by lakeshore fig trees. Gentle exfoliating fig scrub, aromatic fig milk soak, followed by a fantastic full body fig lotion massage. Lake House Spa, Austin, Texas.
OH, THOSE PUFFY PAPER BIRDS
Honeycombed decorations, artfully arranged by party planner with extensive beautification experience. Call Allison Flagg. 1-781-555-LOVE.
CANYON RANCH ROUNDUP
Round up five, six, or seven of your friends and head for Tucson, Arizona, or experience the ultimate healthy vacation in the gorgeous wooded hills of Lenox, Massachusetts. Fitness classes, outdoor sports, spa treatments, and life enhancement. No extra charge for spiritual awakenings.
YOUR PERFECT MATCH
Is your personal life a bit of a beach these days? Whether Noah the glassbloah or Tim Kelly the gaffer is your type, he just might be online waiting for you now.