Lilah (9 page)

Lilah appeared pensive. Everything had happened
so fast. The next morning when I saw her, she wore the stress in her eyes
ringed with darkness. It was obvious that neither of us had a much sleep.

I was informed by my mother that
Andrew had left that morning to stay with his future in-laws, that he would be
gone for several days
. She had also had word that father was returning.

Chapter 6

Lilah

I could not stop thinking about
Emil. I had felt his sickness and knew that I could cure him. Once he trusted
me enough, I would do so. But what would he think of me then, a freak,
an
angel of darkness?

His healing would have to wait. There were
other more pressing matters to worry about.

His brother had frightened me. I could feel no
goodwill from him at all. I heard his thoughts and saw the blood on his hands
through fresh memories relived with pleasure. I did not like having this skill
but knew that Emil was in grave danger. How relieved must Arianne have felt
when she left this household; her mother shallow, her brother dangerous, the
servants sad and
fearful.
And now Emil’s father had
returned. I had yet to become acquainted with him.

I heard Istavan shouting at his wife several
hours after he arrived. The room I shared with Danika was deep in the house yet
we heard his thumping boots and angry words as he told Lady Köszegi that she
was feeble of mind and neglectful of her house management. And followed by more
cruel taunts: that her only usefulness was in producing Andrew, nothing more. I
felt sorry for all the family as no doubt Emil and Evie would have heard this
too.

I went about my tasks praying that I would not
run into him and hoping that he would soon leave again. Some said he stayed
with a mistress for much of the time when he was away. Evie was not playing music
today, which was rare, and I sought her out in her room pretending that I had
work there.

She sat by the window in a full dress of lilac
satin, lace at the sleeves and neckline with white ribbons threaded; presented
like this for her father’s return. I could sense her fearfulness. Not even my
compliments on her dress could bring about a smile.

‘What is wrong Evie?’

But she did not answer me and watched far in
the distance.

I dusted around her bed wondering what else I
could do.

‘Is Arianne happy?’ she asked, her thoughts
seemingly far away.

‘Yes, she is,’ I said and felt tears spring to
my eyes. The very sadness of this child brought about a melancholy that seeped
into my own skin.

‘I’m glad,’ she said, turning to me for the
first time. Her face was blotched and eyes red from many tears. It was then I
decided that Evie must leave this house. Instinct told me that only bad things
would come.

‘I sat on the bed and held her hand. ‘Tell me
about your father, Evie. Are you afraid of him?’ It was most forward, considering
my station, but our friendship had gone beyond this.

She didn’t respond but turned away again. ‘You
should go,’ she said. ‘You will get into trouble if you stay too long.’

I left feeling dissatisfied and useless. As I
turned to leave she called me back and gave me a small sack. Back in my room I
opened the bag to find several small berry cakes. She had been saving them for
me after evening meals and I was touched. I left one on Danika’s bed also.

Emil didn’t visit me the nights following and I
did not see his father until the third day by accident. I was sent to the
stable master with a message. Once delivered, I turned to find him blocking my
exit.

He was shorter than I had imagined, with a
heavily lined face and a scar across his cheek. His mouth was wide and uneven
as if the scar had somehow pulled it up on one side making him appear every bit
as vicious as the words he used the first night of his return. His oversized
fur lined coat seemed at odds with the weather and I wondered if it was device
to disguise his smallness.

‘And who are you?’ he enquired. The tone was
pleasant enough but it made me uncomfortable as if I had been rolled in muck.

‘I am Lilah and have been in your employ for
several months.’

‘Hmm. The girl from the monastery?’

‘Yes.’

‘And how is my beloved daughter? I do miss her
so.’

‘She is well.’ I found I could not look at him
and kept my head bent. With one long finger he pulled my chin up to face him
and the very touch of him paralysed me. I saw much death in his past. I saw
conspiracy and ambush, and worst of all I saw young girls with clothes torn and
terror in their eyes. I wanted to scream for him to let me go and run far but
it was no longer about me. There were Emil and Evie to consider. I would not
abandon them.

He dismissed me then and barked orders at the
stable boy for not having his horse ready. I hastened to the kitchen relieved
to be free of his gaze.

Emil visited me that night and once in his arms
again I felt comforted. He told me that he had sent a letter to his relatives
in Eszter. We had only an hour together before Danika had finished her evening
shift and we talked about the future, how Evie would come with us. I listened
to his chest and the sickness within. There was no way he would make the
journey without being cured first. It would mean revealing my secret and I
hoped not the risk of losing his love. I made a decision to tell him the
following night.

The next morning, the sky was overcast and dead
leaves from the oak trees were being carried far from where they fell. The cold
was upon us, and the sudden increase in wind sent a chill through my bones as I
tended the laundry in the drafty washing rooms.

Evening could not come quick enough; I was
looking forward to seeing Emil. I decided to pay another visit to Evie who had
not been to her music room since her father’s return.

As I stepped carefully down the hall I smelt
the earthy smell of men and heard voices in hushed tones. I could not hear any
thoughts this time. Not always did I receive the gift of hearing. This seemed
to come at its own
will
– such a skill seemed to
choose me randomly. Evie’s door was partly ajar and I peered inside.

Istavan sat next to his daughter on the bed.
Evie was lying down and at first I thought how gentle his tone was with his
daughter. Then I noticed that his hand – which had been resting on her
stomach – moved slowing to her thighs, and her look was not one of
calmness but of utter despair. Istavan’s thoughts jumped at me unawares: images
too debauched for me to have any real description of such.

I breathed in suddenly with a gasp causing both
heads to turn my way. I stepped quickly outside.

‘Come here!’ Istavan demanded.

Back inside her room I avoided making eye
contact with Evie in case he saw the pity in my expression.

‘What did you see when you looked in here
girl?’ he asked, narrowing his eyes. His voice had a raw and brittle edge.

‘Nothing,’ I said too quickly.

 ‘You failed to knock before you entered,
interrupting a precious moment between a father and his daughter,’ he said.
‘You must be punished for that. I will deduct a denar from your pay.’

‘Yes sir,’ I muttered, all the while keen to
find Emil to tell him to go straight to Evie’s room. But I never got my chance.

Andrew stood behind me blocking my exit from
the room.

‘Is there something I can do, Father?’ he asked
dutifully.

‘Welcome back, Andrew. I trust your business
went well?’

‘Yes, fFather.’

‘Well then, you can show this servant girl to
her room and perhaps persuade her in the ways of propriety.’

The look between the men lingered longer than
is usual and I did not need the gift of grasping words from their thoughts to
understand that at some point there would be more consequences than a deduction
in my pay.

‘Back to your room now,’ Andrew instructed. I
did as I was told, my body trembling, hoping that Danika would be in our room,
but also knowing that this was unlikely. The evenings were her busiest hours. I
prayed to God that anyone, Lady Köszegi, or Emil would see us and escort me
instead. Another servant passed us with her head lowered, careful not to make
eye contact with Andrew. I also prayed for Evie for the look in her face had
made me feel ill.

As we returned to my room I understood the fear
that Arianne must have felt living here.

Andrew shut the door behind us and pushed me
roughly on the bed.

‘Now I must obey my father,’ he said, his eyes
never leaving
mine and his face leering as he unlaced the
front of his trousers
. He pushed himself on top of me tearing at my
undergarments. I tried to cry out but he put one large hand over my mouth and
nose so that I could barely breathe. I felt pain between my legs such that I
had never known. I cannot say for how long the pushing and thrusting lasted. At
times I refused to take a breath, allowing me to fade in and out of time.

When he was finished he stood up immediately to
attend to his dress. I turned to face the wall gasping and clutching my lower
abdomen where much of the pain had centered.

‘You can have the rest of the night off, unpaid
of course. Make sure you clean yourself up. You don’t want my brother to see
you like this. He will not touch you again if he knows. His piety extends only
to those unsoiled.’

His thoughts were jumbled, drunk on this rush of
power and violence. I could not help feeling that there was some regret in his
reference to his brother, but whether it was out of fondness for Emil, or what
travesty would likely follow this event, it was difficult to know.

At some point I fell asleep to wake in
darkness. It was late when Danika returned. When she saw my state, any
resentment towards me changed to pity, and she held a candle above me surveying
my body carefully. She left to return with steaming, soapy water and a cloth
and began to cleanse me.

‘That man will burn in hell for what he’s
done.’ And I knew she had seen this before. ‘They take everything else from us.
You would think they could leave our chastity intact.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t warn you. But some do it
willingly with Andrew for they think they have a chance with him. I thought
either you were one of those or that with his engagement he might have
changed.’

She found a clean nightgown and dressed me. I
did not protest but lay back on the cot again while she covered me with a
blanket.

A short time later, there was a knock at the
door and Emil was quickly by my bedside. My tears had dried but my eyes were
left swollen and red.

‘What is wrong with you? Are you sick?’

I could not look at him, so ashamed I felt.

When I didn’t answer he questioned Danika. ‘It
is that pig of a brother of yours that done this.’

‘Did what?’ Emil looked confused but only for a
moment and there I followed his gaze to my bloody garments in the corner. He
stood up, reddening from his neck to his face with the veins at his temples
threatening to burst. ‘That bastard,’ he said with venom in a voice I had never
heard him use before. This sudden rage made me fearful for him and broke me
from my self-pity and shame.

‘Emil, do not do anything to avenge this,’ I
pleaded. ‘It is your sister you need to take care of…’

Emil turned then. ‘What did you say?’

I then told him what I had seen in Evie’s room
and I could see the hate mount behind his eyes. He sat down then and instructed
Danika to remain hidden in the
wash rooms
for the
remainder of the evening to stay safe. She nodded then. I did not know what the
evening held for me but something told me that my time here would come to an
end. I reached my hand towards Danika’s, passing her the little key I had
retrieved from Lady Köszegi’s balcony earlier that day. Danika looked curiously
at the key in her hand. At first she frowned but then we held a gaze and I
hoped that the images in my head were being conveyed. If not, then I believe
that Danika was clever enough to test the key on every locked cabinet, and, if
the situation required it, she would leave this place in better circumstance.
She nodded to Emil and left the room. It was the last time I saw her.

‘What will you do?’ I did not like the way his
eyes were frozen and his thoughts hidden to me. It was if something had died
inside of him.

‘My sister, Hanna did not die of the fevers as
everyone thought. Four years ago she was found hanging from a rope inside the
stables. I was too preoccupied or perhaps too ignorant to understand what was
going on. Father had seemed to favour her over Arianne who fought with him and
was often beaten for it. I remember that before Hanna’s illness there was
little flesh on her bones and I wonder now how many times she must have been
subjected to my father’s visits. It is all so clear now. How could I have not
seen?’

‘You weren’t expected to understand such
cruelty.’