Linda Ford (9 page)

Only the tightening of the skin around his eyes revealed he’d even heard her. Once her curiosity had been unleashed it couldn’t be contained. “Why aren’t you married with a little girl of your own?” Her gaze slid to the child on his knee.

“I’m a man with no past. No history.”

“Why would that matter? Are you afraid of what your parents might have been?”

“Not me.”

She saw him jerk a little as if he’d said more than he meant. “You think it matters to others?”

“I know it does.”

“I take it that’s why you have a rule about not putting down roots. They’ll only be ripped out.”

She sat beside him, rested her palm on his forearm, feeling tension beneath his shirtsleeve. This was a side of Roper she’d never seen. “What happened?” She sensed it had been painful.

He shifted a little, obviously uncomfortable with the subject. But he didn’t pull away. He turned slowly as if reluctant to look into her eyes. She held his gaze, silently promising to hear him, to help him if she could. He deserved it, trying as he always did to make everyone else happy. Who tried to make him happy?

“I worked for a man for several months when I was nineteen. The boss had a pretty little daughter a year younger. She treated me kindly. She told me her secrets of wanting adventure. Wanting to learn about the world. I believed—” he swallowed loudly “—that she cared for me. I saved my money. Had enough to buy us a train ticket to the east where I thought we’d buy passage on a ship to Europe. We’d see all the things she dreamed of. Just as soon as we were married.”

He didn’t go on.

She waited, increasing the pressure of her hand on his arm.

“When I told her of my plans she looked shocked. Said I’d mistaken her kindness for more than it was. She explained in a very clear way that I was not suitable. No one had any idea of my background. That simply wasn’t acceptable.”

“Roper, I am so sorry.” She touched his cheek. “Background doesn’t matter to everyone.”

Something shimmered in his eyes for a moment, then he smiled and closed his thoughts to her. “I’ve believed for most of my life that God never closes a door without opening a window.”

She stared at him. How could he believe so simply? So thoroughly? It wasn’t because life had been easy for him.

“Like you.” He shifted Pansy to one knee and jabbed a finger toward Cassie.

“Like me? I’ve never noticed open windows and doors especially in difficult situations.” There’d been no escape from her grandfather until she’d met George. There’d been nothing but closed doors when her babies died. All she could do was put one foot in front of the other until it became a habit.

Daisy came over and reached for Pansy. “This little girl is almost asleep.”

Cassie glanced about. “It’s getting late. The children need to get to bed.” She welcomed the interruption and a way to avoid continuing this discussion.

Roper stood. “Just let me point out that this business venture of yours is an open door.”

She nodded. “God’s given me this opportunity. I intend to make the most of it. But I won’t be owing to any man over this business. Nor will I be turning away any paying customers so long as they act decently.”

“Like Lane?”

She lifted her chin as she stared at him. “His money is as good as anyone’s.”

Her newfound freedom would not be relinquished.

Chapter Seven

R
oper lounged by his campfire knowing sleep would not come while his mind twisted round and round. Why was Cassie always ready to take a contrary view about everything he said?

He regretted only one thing. He wished he hadn’t talked about her babies. The mention of them had hurt her badly. More and more he began to suspect Cassie’s way of dealing with things that brought pain or made her uncomfortable was to pretend they didn’t exist. Instead, she worked. Work was her way of forgetting.

But working for Lane Brownley? He’d seen the way Lane watched Cassie. The man had more than a good meal in mind. He couldn’t blame Lane for seeing Cassie as a woman he’d like to take home as a wife.

But he had no right to poke his nose into Roper’s temporary home. Roper bolted to his feet and kicked dirt on the fire. He was not the sort of person who believed in anything but temporary.

Suddenly, he laughed. He should warn Lane that Cassie was dead set on being independent.

* * *

The next morning, Roper’s irritation lingered...a fact that churned his insides. All his life he’d been able to put aside the disturbing events of a day and greet the new dawn with joy and anticipation, but not today. And that only increased his frustration.

He tried to dismiss his feelings as hunger but a hearty breakfast didn’t change anything.

As he jumped into the cellar hole, he called it worry. But no amount of searching his mind yielded anything that deserved his concern.

He tried to explain it as anything but what it was.

Jealousy.

Roper jabbed his shovel into the ground and dug out a lump of dirt. He wasn’t jealous of Lane. But something about Lane made his muscles twitch. The man was like a big overgrown pup.

Roper only wanted to protect Cassie from those sad, hungry eyes.

But she didn’t welcome his protection. He grunted as he attacked another lump of dirt.

At least Pansy now welcomed his care. He recalled how she sat on his knee that morning while he read the Bible after breakfast and he breathed in the sweet, baby scent of her.

He’d tried time and again to win over the child but she would always turn away, bury her head against Daisy’s shoulder or simply ignore Roper. But yesterday he’d succeeded in making friends. He’d hidden behind a tree and played peek-a-boo, letting her come closer and closer until she stood against the tree and giggled as he whispered, “Boo,” just inches from her head.

He’d squatted to her level and let her study him closely, let her feel her own way, see he meant no harm to her.

When she lifted her arms and said, “Up,” he grinned clear through. After that she wouldn’t let him put her down until they were back with Daisy and Cassie.

His pleasure at holding Pansy yesterday had dimmed when he saw the way Lane watched Cassie. He didn’t have to have two eyes in his head to know the man wanted to spend all day mooning over her. And likely marry her and take her home before the week was out.

He threw spadeful after spadeful of dirt with unusual vigor. The muscles in his arms burned but not enough to make him forget Lane.

Neil leaned on the handle of his shovel. “How come you don’t like Lane?”

Had he inadvertently mumbled his thoughts aloud? He stopped digging, wiped the sweat from his brow. “I got no feelings one way or the other about the man. Hardly know him from Adam.”

“Yeah, but you don’t like him. I can tell.”

“Just don’t want him hanging about wasting our time.”

“Oh.” Neil returned to digging but didn’t even get his shovel into the dirt before he paused and looked about. “You think this hole is big enough yet?”

Roper stopped to consider. “You might be right. How did I miss that? We’ll smooth it out and tomorrow start work on the floor for the house.” Cassie’d be pleased at seeing some progress.

“I’m hungry,” Neil said.

“I expect Cassie will call us soon. You run along while I finish here.”

Neil scampered up the ladder and raced away, no doubt glad to be done digging.

He smoothed the bottom and tidied the sides. After he got the house up, he’d build shelves down here for Cassie to store her supplies.

A thought scratched at the back of his mind. When he finished here... When the youngsters’ uncle collected them, he would have no excuse for staying. Not that he’d ever planned to. He recited one of his rules—
don’t put down roots.
Another rule tagged along on the heels of the first.
Don’t stay where you’re not wanted.
How many times had he said that to half-grown orphans who were taken to a home to work? Work hard, he’d said. Aim to please. Be cheerful but if they are unkind, don’t stay. He’d walked away from situations that made him feel small and useless.

Cassie would not want him to hang about helping. And he didn’t have Lane’s excuse that he lived nearby and appreciated home-cooked meals. Cookie made excellent meals and the ranch was not a shout and holler away.

He leaned on his shovel handle and contemplated his predicament. To think of leaving her alone hurt like a boil on his skin where it touched the saddle. Cassie was easy prey for young cowboys. And old mule skinners. Besides, who would gather her wood and make sure there were no snakes? How would she keep the water buckets full? It was a steep climb up from the river with two full buckets.

“Neil says you’re done with the cellar.” Cassie’s voice over his head jerked him about so fast his neck cracked.

“Just tidying it up.” He tipped his hat back as he peered up at her standing near the edge. “Careful you don’t fall.”

Her look informed him his warning was unnecessary and unwelcome. Then she turned her attention to the cellar hole. “It looks roomy.” She brought her gaze back to him.

Standing in a hole staring upward, the sky bright behind her, he couldn’t see well enough to know for sure why she studied him so.

“I want to apologize for complaining when you said you wanted to dig a cellar for me—I mean, for the house.”

Was it so hard for her to acknowledge he’d done it for her? Well, he wasn’t about to let her get away with that.

He climbed the ladder.

She edged back, keeping a healthy distance between them.

He jabbed the spade into the ground and closed that distance until he stood two feet away, able to see the uncertainty in her eyes. “Cassie Godfrey, I dug a cellar because I knew it would make your life easier. I did it for you.” He stared at her.

Her gaze shifted to a spot beyond his shoulder but he didn’t relent. He wanted her to acknowledge he’d done it for her.

But her gaze darted to him and shied away again twice before she drew in a sharp breath and kept her eyes steady on his. “I know you did. Thank you.” It was barely a whisper and no doubt made a large hole in her pride but it signified a small victory for him.

He reached out and brushed his knuckles along her jawline. “There. Did it hurt so much to admit it?”

Her eyes widened at his touch and she swallowed loudly but didn’t pull away. In fact, if he let himself read a whole book into a glance he would say his touch made her aware of a hunger for everything she denied herself. He didn’t know exactly what that was and didn’t bother to figure it out as his rules rang loudly inside his head. But he didn’t back away. Not yet. Not for another moment.

Her eyes shuttered. “You will never know how much it hurt,” she murmured, hurrying back to the table.

Later that night he sat under the stars, listening to the night call of the birds, the rumble of the water and the occasional murmur of voices from up the hill. All he wanted was a chance to help Cassie learn that it was all right to accept help. That she didn’t need to stand alone. There were friends all around. He knew Linette, Eddie, Cookie, Bertie and even Macpherson would willingly help Cassie at any time.

But that wasn’t exactly what he pictured.

What he saw, if he allowed himself to be honest, was Roper Jones, orphaned, nameless, with nothing of substance to offer, helping Cassie as she welcomed guests and fed them.

A groan rumbled from his chest.

He didn’t put down roots. He didn’t stay where he wasn’t wanted. He helped people find their happiness. Which wasn’t the same as interfering with their business as Cassie had said.

He ducked his head. “Dear Jesus, You know who I am. I just wish I did. I have nothing to offer any woman except my help. Please enable me to do that, to protect her and the kids until their uncle comes.” It was all he wanted or expected from this arrangement.

The next morning he opened Cassie’s Bible for their customary reading. He slowly read the story of the rainbow. He’d heard it many times while in the orphanage, but somehow today, reading the words to Cassie and the children, his heart swelled with assurance of God’s love and protection. He finished and was quiet a moment, letting sweet thoughts fill him. Then he reached for Cassie’s hand on one side and Neil’s on the other. This was his favorite time of the day—them all together and united under God’s love. He prayed for their safety. “Amen.”

He didn’t immediately release either hand.

Neil pulled away first and was about to leave when Daisy told him to bring water and help with the dishes.

Neil grunted. “I’m going to help Roper.”

But Roper was in no hurry to return to work. He studied Cassie’s downturned head. Was something bothering her?

When the children left, she extricated her hand. “Do you think about God’s promises?”

“Not as much as I should.”

“Do you think they are meant equally for everyone?”

He thought of the deaths noted in her Bible and guessed she wondered if the promises were for her. He didn’t know what to say. “God told Noah He would remember His covenant and gave us the rainbow to remind us. It assures me that God won’t forget me.”

Slowly her head came up and she searched his soul. He let her, wishing he had something more to give her than a faltering trust.

“Seems I mostly remember the times when I thought He had forgotten me.” Her voice faltered. “I saw no rainbow in my life then.”

“What did you see?” How he ached to comfort her, hold her, bear her pain.

“Nothing. No one.” She looked into the distance. “I learned to stand alone.”

“God promises to never leave us or forsake us.”

She jerked her gaze to him, doubt and defiance blazing from her eyes. “So where was He when I needed Him?”

“Did you look for Him?” Before she could answer, he spoke again. “Too often I’ve wandered about on my own, wondering where God had gone. It took way too long for me to realize God didn’t move. I did.” He’d learned the lesson at a young age. When—

When didn’t matter. He no longer dreamed of the things he wanted when he was young. Home and family were out of his reach. He accepted that and looked for satisfaction in helping others.

She looked hard and long at him. But her resistance did not fade. “Maybe there are times when God expects us to stand alone.”

It wasn’t what he hoped she’d say. He saw her alone, afraid and hurting. “Oh, Cassie. You never have to be alone. I’ll stand with you anytime you need it.”

Her eyes narrowed. “No one can be always available.”

He wanted her to reach out to him and accept his offer to be with her. But she was right. He couldn’t always be there. “God is.”

“I try to believe that but sometimes it’s hard. Maybe even impossible.”

“I’m no Bible scholar so I don’t have any answers for you.” He paused as an assurance grew in his own soul. “Except to say I believe God is always with us. Even when we feel most alone.”

“When do you feel most alone?”

The question stripped away a barrier he wasn’t even aware of until now. “You remember the Christmas party at the OK Ranch?” The whole crew of Eden Valley Ranch had been invited to the neighboring ranch to enjoy a beautiful meal and play games.

She nodded.

“Remember how we went around the table saying our favorite Christmas memory? I always picture Christmas as family gathered around the tree. That’s when I feel the loneliest.” He glanced about the table, now empty apart from himself and Cassie.

Daisy washed dishes. Pansy played at her feet. The boys struggled up the hill, water sloshing from the buckets they carried. “This is the closest to family I’ve ever had. It’s temporary, I know. No roots for me.” Maybe if he said it often enough he would believe it as deeply as he needed to.

Cassie’s warm hand on his arm brought his attention back to her. “I’m sorry.” Her voice burrowed into his struggling thoughts.

Their gazes locked. Hers went on and on, past swirling waters of doubt and hurt, straight to a hungry, needy spot he hadn’t been aware of until now. No. He’d known it existed but he’d long ago learned to ignore it. Now he felt as if dusty doors were creaking open and refreshing air and bright sunlight poured in. As her look of concern continued, he struggled in vain to push the door closed.

Then she jerked away and bolted to her feet. “Thought you might be in a hurry to start building my house.”

Her sudden movement enabled him to slam the door back in place. He took his time getting to his feet. “I’ll get at it right away.”

She was afraid of her emotions, he realized. She hadn’t had as much time and practice at building solid doors, unlike the barriers he’d built long ago and reinforced as needed.

* * *

Cassie hurried to help with the dishes. Why had she lingered at the table and admitted to feeling alone at times?

Better to be alone than under someone’s cruel thumb.

But Roper’s words circled her brain.
God is with you. He will never leave you.

But where was He when Grandfather made her life and Mother’s life miserable? When her babies died? When George died, leaving her alone and penniless in Montreal?

He sent Linette. Made it possible to come to Edendale. Enabled her to start her own business.

Cassie straightened her spine. Yes, thank God, she had a fledgling business. It wasn’t an opportunity she intended to waste. She put away the clean dishes and checked the bread. The loaves had risen so she put them in the oven to bake. She’d made biscuits after breakfast and taken them over to Macpherson. He’d thanked her and noted the amount in a ledger book.