Little Cat (23 page)

‘And do you align yourself philosophically with this guy?’ Michael stared at me, pointing the remote at the stereo. A new song cut through, screams about Lucifer. ‘I think maybe I do,’ I said.

My Russian evil man Jew was the Bringer of Light.

‘Maybe you should reconsider,’ said Michael. ‘The so-called purity of the great whore.’

I bent my knees deep and reached my hands to the ground to sit down, but I lost my balance and fell into the carpet.

‘Rahab,’ said Michael, ‘was the political whore.’

Michael lit a cigarette and immediately began to hack. His robe came open and I saw his chest. It was lined with purple holes.

Michael passed me his cigarette. I sat up and I smoked it.

‘Rahab was a harlot, as they called her, a woman of the night – a totally great whore in other words, totally impure – who took these spies in, Jewish spies, and she hid them in bundles of flax on her roof when the enemy was looking for them all over the village. After the enemy left, the Jewish spies marked Rahab’s house with a red string, they made her a Jew, in fact, so that when their army came in the next day to loot and pillage and kill, Rahab and her house were saved. “Don’t touch the righteous whore’s house,” said the Jewish spies. “She collaborated with us.”’

Michael started to shake. I got up from the floor and sat beside him. I put my arm around him. I closed his robe and gave him a puff of his cigarette.

‘All religion is a total mind-fuck manipulation, Mira, but I think you’re a woman of faith, I really do.’

Michael started horking and wracking. The music was like a black-sun Nordic war.

I put out the cigarette in the mustard-coloured shag, which I realized was pockmarked with burns. I took Michael’s hand and he took mine. He put his head on my shoulder.

‘I’m staying here to be your nurse,’ I said.

‘I have one already. John’s a very good nurse.’

I started to cry again. A woman of faith. I wanted to tell Michael that I’d walked on the water.

Michael attempted to turn his head to look at me but he was stiff and white. I saw that some of his teeth had fallen out.

‘I think this whore-purifying fascist nonsense is the key to your fucked-up issues with men.’

I started to laugh. Michael turned the music off.

‘Don’t be a pussy, Rahab,’ he slurred.

I slapped his arm. Silence.

Michael had fallen asleep. I waited a few moments. I somehow manoeuvred to hold him, digging under his armpits. I dragged this horrible stick man down the hallway and into his bedroom. I hadn’t been in there before. Michael’s bedroom was pink, with these buffoonish kinds of curtains, I mean a
Gone with the Wind
kind of deal; the whole room was a little girl’s love of ribbons and bows. He had stuffed animals lined up all along the windowsill, these fluffy white dogs and rabbits and bears.

The clock shone green: 3:13.

I heaved Michael up onto his bed. I put him under the covers. I kissed his skull goodbye.

The second I lay down on the couch back in the living room I fell asleep.

When I woke up it was five in the morning. Heavy blood. I lit a fresh cigarette. I looked for the phone. I held it between my hands for a bit.

‘Ezrah?’

Silence.

‘It’s me, it’s Mira.’

I heard a gurgling.

‘Hey, Ezrah, come on. It’s early, I know … ’

‘What do you want?’ It sounded like Ezrah’s mouth was full. ‘Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?’

I took the phone away from my cheek. Dusk was coming in through the blinds.

‘Wait,’ Ezrah said, swallowing constantly. ‘Wait, it’s just late, all right?’

‘No, you’re right. I shouldn’t have called.’

‘Where are you?’

‘Not sure.’

‘What the fuck do you mean you’re not sure? No one’s heard from you in months. My mom said your mom hasn’t heard from you in months! They don’t even have a phone number for you, Mira. Your mom’s mad. At first she was worried, but now she’s just mad. I don’t even know if she’s going to talk to you when you call. You’re gonna call her, right? Do it now. You have to call her.’

‘I called
you
, Ezrah. I don’t want to talk to my mother right now.’

‘Fuck! They just keep asking me if I’ve talked to you. I say, yeah I have and you’re doing fine, you just don’t feel like talking right now. But I can’t do that anymore. It’s been months, for fuck’s sake! Some girl
died
around there. Did you know that, Mira? I was freaking out and I couldn’t tell anyone, you hear me? I was freaking out. They found a girl’s body, she was completely naked, they knew she was a sex worker. Whatever, that’s what they called her in the papers … ’

‘I haven’t read the papers.’

‘I went down to the fucking police station, I drove all the way to the morgue with the police to see this poor girl. You know why I did that, huh?’

I didn’t ever call the police.

‘Because I thought it was you. Because I thought it was you. Because I fucking thought it was you!’

‘Sorry … ’

‘No. The cops told me they found saliva in her – not semen, just saliva. They don’t even think she’s from here, they think she’s from Russia somewhere, or Poland. No one’s come to get her. No one knows anything about her. All the girls at your club are Russian or something, aren’t they? It’s disgusting. She was so skinny. Her face was black around the eyes. She looked like a crow. I was the only fucking one who’d come down to see her! The police took a swab from my mouth, they said they knew it wasn’t me, but no one had come to get her. No one!’

I steadied my breath.

‘Did you know her? Mira?’

‘Yes.’

I closed my eyes and this is what I saw: on an empty highway with marked-up poles and drooping wires, Adi’s head at the side of the road. It was stuck in the gravel, neck trimmed, no gore. I crouched down close. I wasn’t afraid. Because I saw there were words etched into her forehead. Green and black letters that had bled through the skin.

It was written:
This one lived according to my wishes.

I was a woman of faith.

‘It’s okay,’ I whispered, wanting to throw up. My mouth felt full, full of white cud.

‘I want to come get you. It doesn’t matter where you are. I’ll drive and come get you. Where are you, Mir? Just tell me.’

Ezrah’s voice had changed for a moment. But still I couldn’t tell him where or how I was. I pressed my forehead into the receiver.

‘How’s school?’ I asked.

‘Why the fuck are you asking me that now?’

‘Just tell me how you are. That’s why I called.’

‘Just tell me where you are!’

‘I left, okay? That’s it. That’s all.’

‘Oh god. Thank god.’

Ezrah was excited. Why was he so excited?

‘God, Mir, that’s good. That’s amazing. I’m so relieved. That’s amazing.’

‘Okay.’

‘I’m so happy, Mira. That stuff wasn’t for you. You know that now, don’t you?’

What I know is that you are exactly the same.

‘Hey, Mir?’

‘What.’

‘Why don’t you come stay with me for a while? I don’t have my exams until December. I’m just here, studying, whatever. We can hang out for a few weeks. Or you can stay longer, it doesn’t matter. Why don’t you come and stay with me? My room’s all right, it’s big enough … ’

‘I’m just calling to say hi, Ezrah.’

‘I want us to hang out again.’

‘Why?’

‘Come on, don’t do this … ’

‘No, tell me why.’

‘I don’t know, because I want you to be happy … ’

‘I am happy.’ I am a woman of faith.

‘Come on, that’s not true. Your voice sounds all weird.’

The cud in my mouth now was lining the walls.

‘Mira, I thought you were dead. Do you actually understand that?’

I was about to hang up.

‘Wait, Mira, just wait where you are. I’m going to come get you. Just stay where you are and I’m going to come right over there and get you.’

I held the phone far away from my face.

‘Don’t go yet, Mira!’

‘Why?’

‘Because I miss you. I mean, I really, really miss you.’

The phone cord was wrapped three times around my wrist.

‘Mira?’

‘Look, Ezrah, I’ll see you soon, I just think I should be alone right now … ’

‘No, you shouldn’t! Why haven’t you called me all this time?’

‘Come on, you know why.’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘Because I didn’t want to talk to you.’

‘Don’t say that. I don’t want to hear you saying that.’

Now I was the one starting to get mad.

‘Fuck it, Ezrah! How can you forget?’

‘Forget what?’

‘You were disgusted.’

‘No … ’

‘You were.’

‘I was not … ’

‘Yes, you were. You still are. In fact, you’ve always been kind of disgusted by me.’

‘Look, Mira, I just couldn’t be okay with all that … You in that place, all those guys, doing that … I’m sorry. I love you, okay? I couldn’t help it. It just wasn’t for me. Come on, I think most people would understand that.’

But love comes from disgust. Trusting disgust.

‘Mira? I said I’m sorry. Don’t you understand? Fuck, I thought you were dead … ’

‘I get it.’

‘It’s just that I know you can do something better with your life, that’s it. That’s all. Believe me.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Talk to me. Just keep talking to me, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘Mira?’

‘Okay. I’ll keep talking.’

Silence.

‘Please.’

‘Okay. That girl you saw dead? Well, she was in love. And the guy she was in love with? Well, he was the one who told me what I was doing there, what men were doing with me … ’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Being there. Me being at the club.’

‘Okay … ’

‘It made sense.’

‘What made sense?’

‘It’s hard to explain.’

‘Try.’

‘Okay. Just wait.’ I took a deep breath. ‘There’s this story in the Bible about Hosea, he’s a prophet.’

‘Yeah, I know that.’

‘Okay, so Hosea marries a whore because God tells him to, because God wants to show him the meaning of love, because God will always love the whore. God loves the whore! Rahab, you know her? She was a Jewish whore, a political whore.’

‘A Jewish whore? Mira, who is this guy? Just some fucking bastard that you danced for?’

‘No.’

‘What? Was he your boyfriend too? You fucked that dead girl’s boyfriend?’

‘Shut up!’

Silence numbed the line again.

‘I shouldn’t have called.’

‘Fuck it, Mira, just go on. What about Hosea and his whore? What about Rahab?’

‘I shouldn’t have called you.’

‘You’re frustrating me.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Look, I want to understand, but you’re frustrating me. Let me come and get you now, that’s all I want to do. Okay?’

‘It’s not a good idea.’

‘Fuck!’

‘I should be telling someone else. I should be telling everyone else.’

‘What? Telling them what?’

‘That Hosea loves his whore, no matter what she’s done. The whore knows how to collaborate.’

I heard Ezrah’s breathing slow right down. I kept talking into the sudden space.

‘I’ve felt all these things from what I’ve been doing. I mean, it was a whole other world in that place, in that club, everyone had different weight to their feet, everyone was heavier and we were all attached to each other. If someone was slimy, I had the same slime. It wasn’t the law of opposites attracting: the girls were like the girls and the slime was like the slime. It’s good to be a pig rolling in the slime sometimes, Ezrah. Because now I know what everyone pays for, now I know whose body pays more. I’ve been there trying to clean it all up. I have been trying to organize people’s unbearable needs because I see their unbearable forms. All I want is for things to be equal.’

Ezrah was about to protest.

‘All the feelings I had there have rebounded and hit me in the chest. Shame is just everything that hit me in the chest before the feeling came full circle.’

‘I don’t understand,’ Ezrah said slowly.

‘I had these moments in the dark in that crappy little room when I could literally see from the back of my head … ’

‘Stop, Mira, please … ’

‘And there was this gluey white thread there, floating in the air, it was about halfway between the bed and the ceiling. I knew that this cord had been whipped around the earth … ’