Little Rainbows (7 page)

His stomach churned and his heartbeat grew faster at the sight of Heather’s despair. Her crying got louder, making it almost impossible to hear her words.

“So sorry. I’m so sorry. Jason, I can’t. I was wrong. Too soon.”

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this helpless.

Reduced to allowing her to cry her tears, listening to the words she had to say and holding her close, a sensation of impotence engulfed him. His mind scrambled, trying to identify the moment when it had all gone wrong. The crucial moment he’d managed to miss.

He’d thought she was fine. He’d loved having his hands on Heather. He would have left his hands on her hips forever if he could. Her curves had felt every bit as good as they looked and it had taken all his restraint not to stroke her too much, to stop his hands from squeezing her lightly, just to see what sort of a reaction that would get. He’d felt it when she tensed as the scene started and had been ready to let her go when she’d surprised him by relaxing again. He’d been aware of what had been happening to her body and had allowed himself to think that bringing her to this display had been a good idea. There had even been a moment when he’d thought she was about to lean back, rest her body against his. Maybe he’d been wrong or maybe she’d stopped herself. Either way it was probably best that she hadn’t. At least she hadn’t discovered how excited having her close had made him.

Shit
.

He’d been able to disguise his hard-on earlier but knew there was no hiding it now. Despite her obvious pain, her panic, her tears, his cock throbbed against her legs. She’d realize it as soon as she calmed down. And what sort of an impression would that make? He’d appear a pervert, getting off on her despair. He had no possible way of preventing that from happening. He couldn’t let go of her now. He had to hold her until she rediscovered her equilibrium. He’d created this mess and now he’d better deal with it. If it all ended with Heather thinking of him as an insensitive bastard, it was no more than he deserved. If he couldn’t stop himself from lusting for her while she felt this bad, he wasn’t worth her good opinion, or anybody else’s.

Heather’s crying sounded less hysterical, her breathing less harsh. She still hid her face in his shirt though and continued to murmur sentences he only caught flashes of.

“Stupid… Too soon… Can’t… Too much.”

He’d been so sure bringing her to see this couple would be good for her. Hector and his sub were so obviously in love with each other. The dynamic between them was so beautiful. His domination and her submission were vivid, the power exchange between them complete and instantly recognizable. They were everything Jason had always hoped to find one day. Everything he now knew he would never have because he just wasn’t perceptive enough.

His mind went back to the end of the scene. Until the very last he’d been convinced Heather had if not enjoyed then at least relaxed into the display. He’d been aware of her body reacting to the scene in front of her. He’d been able to sense it when she got excited. He’d convinced himself he could smell her arousal. He’d been about to congratulate himself for bringing her there when Hector had kissed his sub and…

The kiss
.

He would have slapped his head if he hadn’t needed both hands to hold Heather. Of course it had been the kiss. How had he not seen it coming? Heather had been fine as long as the scene had been about bodies, arousal and satisfaction. The display of love had undone her. Of course it had. She’d clearly been devoted to her husband. Only a blind person could fail to see how much she still missed him. He should have gotten her out of there before that kiss. Hector always ended his scenes with a display of his love for Amber. Damn it. He could and should have known.

“Jason?” Heather’s whisper broke through his fevered thoughts. “You’re holding me too tight.”

Bollix
.

To add insult to injury, he couldn’t even hold her through her breakdown without hurting her. “Heather, I’m sorry. I should have known, should have gotten you out of there before it got too much for you.”

He relaxed his hold on her and took a deep breath. Looking into her eyes was almost too much. They were red and tears were still glistening, trying to break free again. And yet she looked at him…not angry. He’d expected anger.
Fuck
, he deserved her anger. Instead he saw trust. He didn’t get it. Why wasn’t she upset with him? She should be shouting at him, trying to break free, running away.

He nearly broke when she brought her hand up to his cheek and stroked it.

“No, Jason. Don’t go blaming yourself.” She swallowed visibly, her emotions still very close to the surface. “You told me to safe-word if it got too much for me.” She shook her head. “It’s not your fault I waited too long.”

“Yes.” He all but shouted the word at her. “Yes, it bloody well is. I know how fragile you are, I’ve seen enough of Hector’s exhibitions to know how they end. I should have been smart enough to foresee how it would affect you.” His voice nearly broke. “And I didn’t. I failed to think ahead and I failed to get you out in time, to keep you safe. Don’t you see, Heather? I should have recognized the signs and I didn’t.”

The glimmer of a smile appearing on Heather’s face made no sense, and neither did the humor in her voice.

“You men, you’re all the same. Thinking you know it all, convinced you can read any woman’s mind.” Heather’s face grew serious. “I want you to listen to me, Jason. You don’t know me. You have no idea what I can and can’t take and you’re not responsible for my feelings.” Anger flashed across her face. “Nobody is responsible for my feelings except me. Not now, not in the past and not in the future. It is my job to keep me safe. That’s what safe words are for. The only person to blame when I fail to use mine is me.” The anger disappeared again. “Don’t you see? Taking that responsibility away from me makes me helpless. Don’t make me feel as if I can’t look after myself, please.”

Jason’s mind struggled to keep up. He’d never thought about it in those terms. Of course he knew it all, in theory. He was well aware the real power in a D/s relationship rested with the sub. He knew the Dom could only push as hard as the sub would allow. He’d never needed to fall back on it though. He’d always put the responsibility upon himself. He’d prided himself on knowing when his subs were reaching their limits before they did, always tried to get them as far as he could without them having to use their safe word. Did that mean he’d not trusted his playmates to look after themselves? Was it just one big power trip for him?

He realized he’d been stroking her hair and bent his head to plant a soft kiss on her head.

“Heather, I just don’t know.” He looked at the beautiful face and marveled she was still in his lap, leaning into his hand. “I can’t help it. I do feel responsible. I’ve allowed you to get hurt, and there are no circumstances under which that’s acceptable.

She frowned and shook her head. “You’re still not getting it. I decided I was ready to come here, to take on this job. I could have said no when you suggested watching this scene. I felt the tension rising inside, knew what it meant and forgot to use my safe word.” She swallowed, hard. “Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe it’s too soon for me to get back into this world. Hell, right now I think I may never be ready to get involved again. And that’s not the end of the world. I’m a party planner. I could plan other parties, weddings. It doesn’t have to be about BDSM.”

Her voice sounded strong and determined, while her face crumbled.

“You may have bet on the wrong horse. I’m sorry about that. You need someone who knows what’s she’s doing, capable of dealing with her working environment. I’ll pack my stuff and go. You have enough time to come up with a different solution for your party.”

Her mouth tried to smile while her eyes teared up again. The sight all but broke his heart.

“You’ve got such a wonderful place here you probably don’t need a planner at all, and even if you do, that person isn’t me.”

Panic gripped Jason. He didn’t want to let her go. He’d only just found her again. He wanted her to stay. Not for the party. Right now he couldn’t care less about how that went. He wanted her to stay so he could get to know her better. Because he felt this connection to her he’d never felt with anybody else. Because he had this suspicion she might be the only woman who could stop him from falling apart. And he couldn’t tell her any of those things.

“Let’s not make any hasty decisions, Heather.” Grateful he just about managed to keep the panic out of his voice, he plowed on. “This has been an emotional rollercoaster for both of us. We’ll sleep on it and talk in the morning.” He managed what he thought had to be a weak smile. “It’s too late for you to start driving back to Dublin now anyway.”

He planted another kiss on her hair and gratefully accepted his reward when she snuggled closer.

“We’ll have breakfast together tomorrow and see how we feel then. We’ll come up with a solution. I’m sure of it.”

Holding his breath, he waited for her reply. He couldn’t see her face which still pressed into his shirt and had no idea what she might be thinking. Words were rolling through his head in a continuous loop of selfish prayer. “
Please stay. Please stay. Please say you’ll stay.”

When Heather looked up at him he recognized the doubt in her eyes. Her deep sigh sent fear rushing through him.

“Okay, Jason. Breakfast tomorrow. We’ll talk and then I’ll decide. I just don’t see how…”

“Not now, Heather.” He couldn’t allow her to finish that thought. “Tomorrow. We’ll settle it tomorrow.”

Neither of them spoke as they made their way to Heather’s apartment. The silence didn’t break until they were standing in front of her door and Jason lifted Heather’s face to look into her eyes.

“If you need me, for whatever reason, I’m just across there.” He pointed at the door facing hers before looking down at her face again. So beautiful and so fragile. The need to comfort her, to show her he really cared overwhelmed Jason. He couldn’t have stopped himself for any reason and placed a soft, lingering kiss on her lips.

She couldn’t be kissing him back.
Surely that had to be his imagination.

Chapter Six

She’d kissed him?

Heather leaned against the door she’d just closed behind her. She’d accepted his lips and kissed him back? What was wrong with her? As if she didn’t have enough confusing thoughts running through her head, she just had to go and return his kiss? She felt her breathing getting faster, her heartbeat increasing. She had to calm down, organize her thoughts, try to figure out what had just happened and find a way of dealing with it.

Walking across the room, she stripped out of her clothes then put on her pajamas. She’d write about the whole sorry affair. Writing always allowed her to sort out her thoughts, make sense of the jumble of emotions running riot in her mind.

She waited for her laptop to boot up before clicking on the folder named ‘Darren’. She’d started this file the day after he’d died. Every time she needed to work something out or get her emotions under control, she’d written a letter to her husband. In the past it had always helped her put things in perspective. She could only hope it would have the same result tonight. Of course this would be the first time she’d have to write about being aroused or admit to kissing a man, but she couldn’t think of another way to calm herself down.

Darren, my love

This will be among the hardest letters I’ve written to you since you left me on my own. I need you so much right now. I’m confused and scared. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I have no idea why I thought I could do this. Would you be very disappointed if I gave up and just went home tomorrow?

Wait, don’t answer that. I know what you would say. You would expect me to soldier on. You’d be proud of me for having come here despite my fears and would have applauded my decision to go and watch that scene.

Have you got any idea how hard that was? That couple? They could have been us. It was the same dynamic, the same level of love. And it was so hot, Darren. There were moments when I wished I was her. I wanted that big dildo vibrating inside me, a hand holding me down, denying me the release I needed. I craved that kiss at the height of an orgasm.

Jason thinks I panicked because I couldn’t deal with watching the scene. I didn’t have the courage to confess to him it was envy more than panic that made me lose it. I have a hard time even admitting it to myself, or you. But it was. I was jealous. I suddenly couldn’t deal with the thought of being alone anymore. In that moment I wanted someone to hold me, kiss me, love me. And I want that someone to be you. Of course I do. But it can never be you again. So does it make me bad that I cherished those moments in Jason’s lap, that I couldn’t stop myself from returning his kiss, small as it was?

I’d like to think you’d want me to move on. I imagine you telling me to continue living. But would you? And is now the right time? Is eighteen months long enough to mourn a loved one—too long, not long enough? And even if I kick-start my life and allow my emotions free reign again, does that also mean I should be open to the idea of submitting to someone other than you? I’m not sure I can do that. Jason isn’t you. He’s nothing like you. What if I end up comparing you two? He wouldn’t have a chance against the eighteen years we had together. And I like him. I don’t want to hurt somebody I’m fond of, somebody I want to keep as a friend. But I’m so hot. I need someone close to me again. I thought I might be able to live the rest of my life alone. I truly believed my memories and some toys would be enough. They’re not. I’m yearning for skin-to-skin. I want to submit so badly it hurts.

If I leave tomorrow, will the need go away again? I managed to get used to being without you after spending many happy years together. Surely I’d forget Jason within a matter of days.

And yet, I’m not sure I want to forget him. I think he wants me too. That makes it harder. What if I’m wrong? What if I give in to this urge only to discover it’s not what I want at all? Would I hurt Jason if that happened? Do I have the right to take a risk for both of us?