Little White Lies (23 page)

Alex kicked my leg—hard—under the table.

Esther turned to her husband.

“Systems are flawed just like people are, Karl,” Douglas offered. “Both are capable of change, but it never comes easy. Authority figures—whether they’re teachers, police officers, or security guards, even parents—must be respected. Not that they can’t be challenged. But they must be respected above all for the sake of peace and order. All too frequently for the sake of self-preservation. Even when they are wrong, even if they have not earned or do not deserve your respect.”

I blinked. “Heavy.”

Alex tilted her head just enough to silently criticize,
Heavy? That’s the best you’ve got?

“But those are heat-of-the-moment rules, at least to some degree,” Douglas elaborated. “Respect for authority is a baseline expectation. And it should always be the default when interacting with people in their official capacities. That’s true no matter what color or race you are.”

“That’s not to say you need to hold back,” Esther clarified.
“It’s crucial to express your opinions and beliefs when you’re interacting with these same people in a social situation. Over a plate of food, over a drink, you can and should speak your mind—whether it’s to your teacher, your preacher, or the mayor. As long as you conduct yourself in a respectful manner.”

“And that’s one way you can influence
individuals
to change,” Douglas added. “Or at the very least, express your views and seek to broaden your outlook through friendly discourse. Of course, there are many ways to foment change within individuals … persuasive writing and debate, conscious artistic expression, progressive social media campaigns.”

Wow
, I thought.
Is this how billionaires talk over drinks?
I could practically see the ellipses floating through their air to punctuate his thesis.

“That’s cool.” I said. I ignored another kick under the table from Alex. “So how do you change the system? And please don’t tell me by voting. Because I did vote—for Obama. Twice!”

“Well, Karl, I’m glad to hear that. We voted for him, too.” Douglas chuckled and glanced at Esther. “We’ve also been fortunate to be able to converse with the Obamas over plates of food, much like we are doing right now.”

I looked around, exaggerating my movements as if searching for the President and First Lady.

“Don’t hold your breath, Karl,” Douglas said with a smile.

“We do realize,” Esther said, “that most people who struggle through this world never get to experience such a wonderful escape as this.”

“They just stay stuck in the muck,” Alex surmised bluntly.

In New York City, stop-and-frisk still goes on, even under our new mayor and, yes, the father of a boy with a large Afro, Bill de Blasio. Stop-and-frisk has other names and variations in other cities and towns—rollouts, investigatory stops, um … racial profiling—and the practice is thriving. Unarmed black men are being beaten and shot by the police with alarming frequency.

The United States is the world leader in incarceration, with more than two million citizens behind bars—a five-hundred-percent increase over the last forty years. The US now imprisons a larger percentage of its population than Russia or China. Black men are six times more likely to be incarcerated than white men, and Hispanic men are two and a half times more likely. For black men in their thirties, one in ten is in prison or jail on any given day.

Okay, enough bad news. I realize that I’m beginning to sound like a cranky old man. Hey, at least I can sleep at night knowing that incarcerated youth won’t be targeted and mined by the Skools with bogus vouchers and plans for global reeducation. The rum helps, too.

Don’t even get me started on Obama. I can’t believe I used to like that guy! (Oh, well, he’s gotta be better than McCain* or Romney*. And I guess if he’s friends with the Corneliuses, then he can’t be all bad.) And climate change? Fugeddaboudit! But seriously,
enough
. We all know that the world has gone to shit. And yes, cranky people over the age of thirty have probably been saying the same thing for the past five thousand years, at least. So what are we going to do about it?

The truth is, in all seriousness, I honestly don’t know.

But I think what Coretta said in her impromptu speech at the end of the first and final episode of
Takin’ U to Skool
is a good place to start: seek and empower truth and justice; recognize and oppose injustice and deception.

Beyond that, you tell me:

What are we going to do?

Beastie Boys
(1981–2012) one of the greatest rap groups of all time.

Bermuda Triangle
A weird zone in the Atlantic Ocean where, legend has it, countless ships and planes have disappeared—mysteriously and without a trace. The Bermuda Triangle was big in the ’70s, even though most of the disappearances were said to have occurred decades before.

Birdman
(1969–) You know who Lil Wayne is, but you don’t know who Birdman is?? Not to be confused with the Academy Award–winning film
Birdman
, or the overly tattooed Caucasian NBA star also known as Birdman, this Birdman is the overly tattooed rapper—aka Baby—who cofounded Cash Money Records, and is reported to be worth well over a hundred million dollars. Lil Wayne—who once considered Baby his father figure (Birdman signed Lil Wayne when he was only twelve years old, and the two of them once released an album titled
Like Father Like Son
)—filed suit against Cash Money Records for some fifty-one million in monies due.

Johnny Cash
(1932–2003) The Man in Black. Shot a man in Memphis just to watch him die. Or so the song goes. One
of the heaviest dudes of the twentieth century. No irreverent Appendix entry will do Johnny Cash justice. Forget whatever preconceived ideas you may have about country music and seek out this man’s recordings.

CIA
The Central Intelligence Agency. An inaccurately named organization (also the wrong word). Probably best to leave it at that. I’m already on enough watch lists.

Pink Floyd
(1965–1994; 2013–2014) was not a man but a band. I can’t say I’m much of a fan. According to some folks, the band went downhill after the weird older dude, Syd Barrett, left in 1968. And then there’s been a bunch of weird stuff between the two other main guys, I think. They did have some cool album covers. And “Another Brick in the Wall” was my favorite song when I was in eighth grade. I use the song “Money” as a ringtone on my R$$P because it’s called “Money.”

Errol Flynn
(1909–1959) was an actor, adventurer, playboy, and scalawag who came and went before my time. I haven’t seen his films, but he’s been on my mind since I read his highly entertaining autobiography
My Wicked, Wicked Ways
. Swagger to the fullest. My treacly lilt does him no justice.

Killer Mike
(1975–) Do you kids remember the rap group Outkast? Well, way back in 2004, Killer Mike was the Strong Man in that circus-themed video for “The Whole World,” spitting that relentless verse while holding an old jalopy above his head. And now the future of non-bullshit rap music appears to be resting on his shoulders. You might know Killer
Mike as a spokesman for his community who has appeared on CNN and other news outlets, or as the heftier half of the two-man rap supergroup Run the Jewels, along with the great El Producto aka El-P.

Lil Wayne
(1982–) Of course you know who Lil Wayne is.

John McCain
(1936–) An old man who ran for president in 2008 and chose an Alaskan husky as his running mate. Back then Matt Taibbi wrote a profile about the old man called “Make-Believe Maverick” for
Rolling Stone
magazine. I highly recommend it.

The Meters
(1965–1977; 1989–) are, after Louis Armstrong, arguably the greatest musical force to ever come from New Orleans. Armstrong played jazz. The Meters play funk.

Barney Miller
A 1970s sitcom that took place in a fictional Greenwich Village NYPD precinct. Hal Linden plays the eponymous affable captain in charge of a staff of colorful detectives representing a range of ethnicities, but sorry, no women. And damn, they got a funky-ass theme song!

“Two Tickets to Paradise”
A song by Eddie Money, the haggard and bloated rocker you see before you in 2013—in the double-breasted sport jacket, necklace over a turtleneck sweater, wheezing into the saxophone—was a beautiful young man who had it all in 1979. Born Edward Mahoney to a family of NYC cops, Eddie ditched the police academy, changed his last name to Money, and set out for California to pursue his dream: sex, drugs, and rock and roll. According to Wikipedia, rock impresario Bill Graham once said, “Eddie
Money has it all … Not only can he sing, write, and play, but he is a natural performer.” The reason I use his cheeseball song as a ringtone on F$$P? The man’s name is Money!

Huey P. Newton
(1942–1989) Cofounder of the Black Panther Party.

Night Court
A 1980s sitcom that took place in a Manhattan courtroom during the night shift. I’ve just learned from Wikipedia that the show’s creator, Reinhold Weege, also worked on
Barney Miller
. The young, wacky judge is played by actor-magician Harry Anderson. Not much point in IMDB-ing that guy or, frankly, watching the show, but I do recommend checking out their theme song. Maybe not as funky as
Barney Miller
, but funky nonetheless. And the show’s cast actually includes more than one female character.

Barack Obama
(1961–) I’m not sure we need an entry in this Appendix for the forty-fourth President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama. But now that I’ve written it, I can’t stop staring at his amazing name. I suggest you try it. Right now. Stare at his name: Barack Hussein Obama.

Peter Luger Steakhouse
(1887–) One of Brooklyn’s most ancient and important institutions. The steak is mouthwatering, the bread basket is excellent, their German home fries are crunchy and delicious, but everything else kind of sucks … except the shrimp cocktail, which is decent but unremarkable. The waiters are generally gruff if not outright rude, the ambiance is stark, and the clientele skews heavily toward the white male patriarchy.

The Peter O’Toole Society
takes its name from an informal association of people with double-penis names, such as Peter O’Toole, Jimmy Johnson, Woody Johnson … You get the picture: lots of Johnsons. We were in college and not terribly mature.

Reinsurance
The reinsurance industry consists of insurance companies that insure other insurance companies. If you want to make lots of money and if the idea of living in Bermuda appeals to you, reinsurance is a field you may wish to pursue.

Trent Reznor
(1965–) As a young man, I enjoyed his creepy-sexy, skin-crawling music videos and some of his angsty, light-industrial jams. He has since emerged as a bona fide scorer of films—some say his music saved the movie
The Social Network
.

Condoleezza Rice
(1954–) A professor at Stanford University and gifted pianist, Condoleezza Rice was National Security Advisor under President George W. Bush at the time of the 9/11 attacks. She became Secretary of State in 2005, and it was later revealed that longtime boss of Libya, Muammar Gaddafi (who deserves his own Appendix entry but isn’t getting one), had a huge crush on her.

Mitt Romney
(1947–) A rich man who ran for president in 2012. Romney once transported Seamus, his family’s (incontinent) Irish Setter, on a six-hundred-fifty-mile journey on top of his Chevy Caprice station wagon. Here’s a fun Internet search: “Romney who let the dogs out.”

Star and Buc Wild
(Troi Torain: 1964–; Timothy Joseph: 1979–) Troi Torain aka Star founded the seminal magazine
Around the Way Connections
, served as a controversial and embattled hip-hop radio host, and authored
Objective Hate
. In 1995, he created an alter ego named Buc Wild to pen a monthly column in
The Source
back when the magazine was cool, sort of. Called “Reality Check,” the column was the one voice of dissent in an otherwise ass-kissing morass of industry hype. The alter ego later came to life in the form of Star’s younger half-brother, Timothy Joseph. Their subsequent media triumphs and misadventures are too numerous to mention here. I’m sure they’re still hating away on the Internet somewhere …

Three Loco
(2011–) A laugh-rap supergroup that consists of Dirt Nasty, Andy Milonakis, and Riff Raff.

Trading Places
A 1983 movie starring Eddie Murphy, Dan Ackroyd, and Jamie Lee Curtis; directed by John Landis.

Alan Turing
(1912–1954) This man’s life and contribution to science defy the confines of this Appendix entry. Start by looking him up on Wikipedia, and go from there. Or see
The Imitation Game
.

John Varvatos
(1955–) I don’t know much about John Varvatos except he took over the old CBGB for his flagship store and also sells vintage stereo components there. Pretty cool, I guess. Evidently the man loves rock and roll. He also manages to sell worn-out-looking T-shirts for $228, so he must be a damn genius.

Pretty Hurts

Another one of her ambiguously set period pieces. Is it the ’70s? The ’80s? The ’90s? (So glad we learned about anachronisms in English class! Comes in handy with Beyoncé videos.) Bey shows us the ugly side of beauty. Pains and pressures of being a woman in this superficial society. Backstage at the beauty contest, and it ain’t pretty. Or if it is, it’s a painful pretty. Waist cinching, booty spritzing, and teeth whitening. Alone at home wearing bunny ears and “gangsta” socks. Fat-shaming black albino choreographer. Wha? Beyoncé needs to slim down? I don’t think so! Singing audition. White judges sitting in shadows. The beauty contest emcee is a very familiar-looking old white man in a tux jacket made of silver rubber.