Lives We Lost,The (10 page)

My heart plummeted. “But . . .”
She looked around the table at us, her eyes darkening. “I can see you had your hopes up, and I’m sorry. But Ken used to work near Parliament Hill, and he saw them packing up out front and driving off. I can tell you for sure, there’s no one trying to help the rest of us in Ottawa, not anymore.”

Lauren’s words sent my thoughts into a tailspin. No one with authority left in Ottawa? Even the highest level of government had fled?

Then we’d come all this way for nothing.
I was so hungry my stomach was practically gnawing on itself, but I had to force down the porridge Hilary brought. As soon as I’d finished, I went to the quarantine cabin to tell Gav and Tobias what we’d learned. Gav nodded as I repeated Lauren’s account, as if he wasn’t at all surprised. Which maybe he wasn’t. One of the first things he ever said to me was that we couldn’t trust the people in power to look out for us, that they were always going to look out for themselves first.
“Come here,” he said when I was done, holding out his hand, and Tobias turned the other way, looking awkward. I sank down on Gav’s lap and let him fold his arms around me. Tears welled up in my eyes. I blinked them back as well as I could. I was the one who’d dragged us out here. I couldn’t break down now.
“I’m so sorry, Kae,” Gav said, hugging me close. “At least we know now, before we went any farther.”
“Yeah,” I murmured. And we’d found out in a place with power and heat and food, and space enough for us to stay as long as we needed to. Hilary had suggested as much over breakfast. But none of that took away the ache in my chest.
When I’d pulled myself together, I found Tessa and Meredith in the greenhouse with Hilary. It was hard to tell they were actually growing any plants on purpose, with all the boards lying around and the weeds sprouting between the actual crops. “We’re not harvesting as much as we could otherwise,” Hilary said, “but it’s safer to leave it looking as uncultivated as possible.”
We walked from board to board to keep from leaving footprints. Meredith swayed, arms out, as if they were a series of balance beams, while Tessa ambled between the plots, asking questions like, “Have you tried spacing onions between the carrots?” and “What do you have for fertilizer?” Hilary just about jumped for joy when Tessa said they could get lettuce seeds to sprout if they just put them in a spot with more shade.
When we went back to the gathering house for lunch, Leo was still there, sitting with his eyes closed as the music washed over him, looking more relaxed than I’d seen him since we’d left the island.
The decision should have been easy. If there was no point in going to Ottawa, of course we’d stay in the colony, at least until the weather warmed up and we had a better chance of making it back to the island alive. But when I lay down next to Meredith in the empty cabin Hilary had offered us for the night, the ache inside me had only gotten bigger.
The greenhouse was wonderful, but it wasn’t completely supporting the twenty or so people living in the colony. The oatmeal, the crackers with our soup, the pasta at dinner, those had been scavenged. What were they going to do when all the houses in the area were bare? When the oil for their generator ran out?
Hilary acted like they were going to get by like this forever— like they could live here in a bubble, untouched by the rest of the world. But life didn’t work that way. Every group of living things was part of its ecosystem. It had to deal with predators and competitors, with the demands of the environment. Maybe the colony could keep this up for another few months. Maybe another year. But sooner or later, no matter how many precautions they took, the rest of the world was going to come crashing in. Like a helicopter dropping missiles on an unsuspecting island.
Were they really okay living like this, as if a few months ago they didn’t have real houses and jobs and
lives
?
Dad and Nell and the volunteers at the hospital had kept working even when the halls were overflowing and we had no support from the mainland at all. Surely there were other people out here who hadn’t given up? What if the only thing standing between fixing the world and it staying like this was whether I kept carrying the vaccine until I found those people?
But as I closed my eyes, another question followed me into sleep.
What if I kept going and we didn’t make it, and everyone who’d come with me died because of the choices I made?

The next morning, we all gathered in the quarantine cabin. Leo sat on the mattress, Tessa beside him. Tobias was standing by the small window, and Gav leaned against the wall, his elbow propped on the cold-storage box. I sank down next to him while Meredith hopped onto the bed.

“I think it’s pretty clear there’s no point in going to Ottawa,” I said. “If the situation was as bad as Lauren says more than a month ago, it’ll only have gotten worse. So we need to decide what we
are
going to do.”

Tessa nodded. “I think Hilary and the others would like to know where we stand. Whether we want to stay.”
“So.” I looked at my hands, and then around at the others, trying to gauge their reactions. “That’s one option. Staying, at least until the weather’s better for traveling. They have room. And we could keep trying to contact someone through the radio.”
Tobias stepped away from the window. “So we just throw in the towel?” he said.
“I—” I said, caught off guard by the vehemence in his voice. He didn’t let me continue.
“The chances we’re going to catch the right person on that radio at the time they happen to be on, this far in the middle of nowhere, are pretty much none,” he went on. “People need that vaccine
now
, don’t they? That’s why you left your island in the first place. Just because one city is a no-go doesn’t mean they all are.”
“What’s it to you?” Gav said. “A week ago you didn’t even know there was a vaccine. All you wanted to do was hide on your little army base and wait for the rest of the world to pick up the pieces for you.”
Tobias flushed. “Okay, that’s true,” he said. “And I sure didn’t plan on joining up with a bunch of teenagers. But for once in my life I know I’m doing something important. I want to keep doing that—don’t you?”
He sounded so determined that I felt ashamed for considering giving up. But he was here on his own, and I had my friends and Meredith to consider too.
Of course, if he wanted to keep going, maybe I didn’t need to drag all of them along. Maybe I could do what I needed to without risking their lives in the process.
“You didn’t let me finish,” I said, sitting up straighter. “I said that was one option. The other is to keep going. I’ve been thinking. . . . Lauren said the government might have moved to Toronto. It’s the biggest city in the country. That means the most hospitals, the most doctors—the most police to keep the peace. And if we can find a car, it’s only about five hours farther than Ottawa.”
There was a pause, and then Leo said, “Sounds worth a shot.”
“Toronto,” Gav said, with a weariness in his voice that spoke of the hundreds of miles we had left to travel. Before I could say anything, Tessa broke in.
“I’m not going.”
Leo’s gaze jerked toward her. “What?”
“I’m staying here,” she said steadily. “If I keep going with all of you, I’m just another mouth to find food for. Here, I can help. The colony needs someone who knows about farming, if they’re going to make it.”
“Why didn’t you say something before?” he said.
“I decided right before we all came over here,” she said. “It doesn’t really change anything for the rest of you, does it?”
Hurt flashed across Leo’s face. “Can we talk for a minute?” he said, standing. “Just you and me?”
“I know the vaccine’s more important to you than what the colony’s doing,” Tessa said. “That’s fine.”
“Can we just—” He gestured toward the door. Tessa hesitated, then got up and followed him out. Meredith frowned.
“I don’t think we should be fighting,” she said. “We’re the good guys.”
Just a second ago, I’d been thinking about leaving everyone behind. But now that the possibility was real, it made my stomach churn. I should have seen Tessa’s decision coming. From the second she’d spotted the greenhouse in the distance, I should have known.
Gav shrugged. “It’s her choice whether she comes or stays, isn’t it?”
I looked at him, hard.
“You don’t really want to come, either.”
He opened his mouth, and then closed it again. “I don’t want to stay
here
,” he said, and then tapped the top of the cold box. “And I know how important these are. But I get how Tessa feels. This whole trip, I’ve pretty much been extra baggage. I don’t know where to find a car. I don’t know how to get us to Toronto or anywhere else. That doesn’t matter, though. Whatever the plan is, I’m part of it. You’re not doing it on your own.”
“Gav,” I said, “I wouldn’t be—”
He touched my cheek before I could finish. “I told you before, and I’ll keep telling you: I’m not leaving you,” he said softly, and kissed me. His fingers grazed my skin, and his lips were warm and steady against mine. Then Tobias cleared his throat and Meredith giggled. I eased back, blushing.
“You should probably go see if those two have worked out who’s staying and who’s not,” Gav said with a smile. “Then come back and tell us when we’re leaving.”
“We can make it there,” I said as I stood up. “We’re going to find a way.”
“Of course we are,” Gav said.
Meredith trailed after me out of the cabin. Leo was standing by the nearest cluster of trees, his face tucked into his scarf and his arms tight at his sides. Alone.
“Mere,” I said, “can you go back to the cabin and see if we left anything—hats or mittens or whatever?”
“But I want to know what happened with Tessa,” she said.
I raised my eyebrows at her. “Mere. We’ll talk about it later, okay?”
She let out a huff of breath, cloudy in the cold air, and skidded off across the icy clearing.
I walked over to Leo, stopping a few feet from where he stood. He didn’t look up, but he had to know I was there.
After a minute, he raised his head enough to uncover his mouth.
“She didn’t think it mattered,” he said. “I think she was honestly surprised I was upset. She said of course it didn’t make sense for us to stay together if we need to do different things. She said hardly anyone does stay together when they’re sixteen, anyway. Why would we expect it to be forever?” He laughed, haltingly. “I wasn’t expecting forever. I was expecting maybe she’d at least talk to me before making a decision like this.”
“I don’t think Tessa’s very good at that,” I said. “Giving people a chance to disagree, when she’s already decided what she’s going to do.”
“Yeah,” he said. His mouth twisted. “I know you might think this isn’t true, but I care about her. A lot. If that’s more than she cares about me, well . . . Oh well. She’s got to do what’s right for her.”
“Still hurts, though,” I said, and saying it I realized I was hurt too. I’d seen Tessa as a friend. We’d been through an awful lot together the last few months. But she hadn’t said anything to me either, even though she’d probably been considering staying since she first asked Hilary about the greenhouse.
I wasn’t sure I would have tried to sway her decision. Probably not. Which was probably why she hadn’t bothered bringing it up. Life always looked so straightforward to her. It must be nice.
“You know,” I said, “you could stay with her. The vaccine—it’s my thing, I know that. I don’t want you to come if you’d rather be here.”
He paused, his brown eyes so dark they looked almost black.
“You don’t want me to come if I’d rather be here,” he said, “or you don’t want me to come, period?”
My throat tightened. “Leo . . .” I started, but I didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t want our lives to stay like this,” he said. “I don’t know if this vaccine is going to make a difference, but it could. It’s the best chance we’ve got. I want to fight for that. But if I’ve messed everything up so badly that you don’t feel right even having me around, then I’ll hang back, out of your way. You just have to tell me.”
There was a certainty in his voice that I hadn’t realized I needed to hear. He didn’t sound beaten or scared. He sounded like himself. And that was enough for a little light to open up inside me, like hope.
“Everything’s weird with us now,” I said. “But I don’t want it to be. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I just want to have my best friend again.”
The corner of his mouth tipped up. “Okay,” he said. “Watch.” He smoothed his fingertips over my forehead, so swiftly I hardly had time to feel them, and did the same to himself. Then he flung out his hand toward the trees, as if throwing something away as far as he could.
“There,” he said. “All the weirdness, gone. Nothing left but plain old friends, like we’re supposed to be.”
It had only been a gesture, but right then, I felt released. As if he’d scooped out all the awkward and unpleasant feelings with that brush of his hand and tossed them away. I grinned.
“Work that magic to find us a car, and we’ll really be getting somewhere,” I said.
I was about to ask him if he wanted more time, maybe to talk to Tessa again, when Justin came running through the open end of the clearing. He stopped when he saw us, panting.
“Take shelter!” he said. “Van stopped about a half a mile down the road from here, three people got out and headed this way. They don’t look friendly. One of ’em had a rifle.”
I stiffened. “What color was it? The van.”
Justin looked at me as if I’d asked whether the gun was pretty. “It’s green. Go! Under the beds in the cabins—you can pull out the siding and hide underneath. I’ve got to tell them to shut off the generator.”
A green van. As Justin scrambled toward the gathering house, I went cold from the inside out.
“Meredith,” I said, and ran across the field as fast as the ice allowed.

I burst into the cabin, the rush of the door fluttering the sheet on the bed. Meredith wasn’t there. “Mere—” I called, and caught myself. What if the people from the van were close enough to hear?

Something was scraping over the ice outside. I hurried out, swaying as I dashed around the side of the cabin.
Meredith was pushing herself back and forth on the ice behind it. She squealed as she slid into me, and I folded my arms around her, the relief that washed over me almost as cold as my panic.
“We didn’t leave anything,” she said. “Is Leo okay?”
“He’s fine,” I said. “Come here, fast.”
I tugged her back into the cabin. Bending down, I pressed my hands against the side of the bed, feeling until my fingers caught on a notch I could grip. The wooden panel popped out. The space underneath couldn’t have been more than two feet high, but there was enough room for both of us to squeeze in even with our coats on.
“Get in,” I said to Meredith. “We have to hide. Someone’s coming.”
It was almost sad how quickly her attitude changed from playfulness to obedience—she crouched by the bed without stopping to ask who was coming or why. I grabbed the blanket and sheets off the mattress. If the idea was to make the place look uninhabited, it’d be better to hide those too. Then I squirmed under the bed after Meredith. The panel slid back into place with a tug.
Less than a minute later, footsteps clattered by outside. The door swung open. I tensed. The people from the van couldn’t have crossed half a mile already, could they? A chill slipped around the cracks in the bedframe, and I understood. Someone was letting the air out of the cabins so no one would be able to tell they’d been heated. So the whole colony would look deserted.
All that bravado Justin had given us the other day, about how he’d have shot us if we’d looked dangerous, that had been for show, I realized. Of course they wouldn’t go around killing intruders on sight. If nothing else, the sound of their gunshots would have told people for miles around someone was here.
Meredith wrapped her arms around me, her breath sounding ragged in the narrow space. I hugged her close. I didn’t know if Tessa and Leo and everyone else had made it into hiding in time. Would someone have thought to go to the quarantine cabin and tell Gav and Tobias what to do? Gav would remember to hide the cold box, wouldn’t he? Would it be enough?
Hilary had suggested they’d managed to make raiders dismiss the colony in the past, but these people were looking for more than just food. They were still after us, the woman with the red hat and whoever was with her. Maybe someone had seen us in the town where that sick couple had approached us, and passed word on. Maybe they were just checking every group of buildings between that first town and Ottawa.
Either way, they clearly had no intention of stopping before they found us.
I started to sweat inside my layers of clothing, but I didn’t dare move. Meredith curled her fingers into my coat. Outside, there was only silence.
Then a voice rang out in the yard.
“What’s with all the goddamn ice?”
“Who knows?” a woman replied. “Check the buildings, look for signs that someone’s camped here. You find anyone, haul them out. We can hurt ’em, just don’t kill anyone yet.”
Yet.
The word rang in my ears. I bit my lip as the cabin door squeaked. Footsteps clomped inside. Meredith clutched at me, and I squeezed her back.
The thin beams of sunlight around the edges of the panel shifted as the intruder walked from one end of the cabin to the other. The desk drawer rasped open and shut. The chair toppled over with a clatter that made Meredith flinch. The footsteps approached the bed, and I cringed at the sudden thump over our heads. Checking under the mattress, I thought, my eyelids tightly shut. That was all.
The intruder shifted, and kicked at the side of the bed. My eyes popped open in time to see the panel tilt, just slightly, the sliver of light widening. My heart stopped.
Don’t notice,
I prayed.
Don’t notice. Don’t notice.
There was a moment of silence, and then the intruder stomped out again. I exhaled in a rush, my lungs burning, and hugged Meredith tighter. She whimpered into my coat.
More doors creaked outside. There was a scritching sound, a smack, and a groan, and I suspected someone had just fallen on the ice. Despite myself, I smiled.
“The place is dead,” someone said.
“Let’s get going before we waste any more time, then,” the woman’s voice replied.
The footsteps faded away. I counted to a hundred, then a hundred again, and there wasn’t another sound.
“Are they gone?” Meredith whispered in my ear. I nodded against her, but inside I felt sick.
They were gone for now, not for good. And I didn’t want to find out what they’d do if they finally caught us.