Living With No Regrets (17 page)

His hand came up, and he palmed her cheek, caressing it softly, his thumb brushing her bottom lip.  In the back of her mind, she heard her mother and Mark say goodnight as they got up from the table and headed off to their rooms, but her focus was on the jade green orbs that were his eyes.  The ones she’d still dreamed about for the years they’d been apart. 

Her skin was just as soft as it had always been.  Russ remembered that Leigh had always used special lotions and skin creams when she was in high school and college.  She told him that her mother had told her to, and taught her how to, always take care of her skin.  It had been one of the guilty pleasures she had always indulged in.  Russ didn’t think of it as a guilty pleasure, though.  Mary Leigh still looked young after all of these years and all of the health issues she’d had, so there was something to it.  Taking care of yourself wasn’t considered a guilty pleasure in his book.  He smoothed her beautiful, wavy brown hair back behind her ear.

“I’ve just now gotten you back into my life, and now I feel as if I’m going to lose you all over again.” he murmured softly while looking into her soft, light brown eyes.  “I guess it’s more than I deserve.”

Covering his hand with his own, Leigh shook her head.  “I’ve told you…you need to let that guilt go.  No one is holding it against you but you.  Forgive yourself.  Or should I keep beating myself up for keeping Randy from you?  For letting my anger hold against you for so long?”

“You’ve done nothing wrong.”

She surprised him when she laughed.  “So you don’t wish that you had been there for Randy’s birth?  That your parents had been there?  That you hadn’t missed his first smile or him sitting up for the first time or his first step or even his first word?”  The sadness he felt coming from her was breaking his heart.  “Those are all things that you’ll never experience now, and it’s my fault, but what’s done is done and can’t be taken back.  I’ve prayed for forgiveness for these things and for guidance on my belief in no regrets, and you want to know what came to my mind, either through God’s answer or my own?” he nodded, not having a voice at the moment.  “No regrets isn’t about looking back and thinking that everything happened the way it did for a reason.  It’s about looking back and realizing that the things we did, the decisions we made, led us to where we are in this moment.  I am who I am because of my experiences and who I have met and who has been a part of my life; for good or bad.  That is why I have no regrets.  That’s why you must not have any regrets.  We have both been through hell.  Either of our own making, or because of someone else.  We have paid our dues.  Wipe the slate clean, Sprout.  I still love you after all this time.  I know you still love me.  Let’s begin again.  If, when I wake up, I have no memory of what’s happened, be honest about it from the start and explain what you did and why.  I’ll understand then just as I do now.”

Just when he thought it impossible to love her any more than he did, she would do or say something like that and blow him away again.  Leigh Hampton was his soul mate.  He believed that with his whole being.

*****

Leaning closer to her, moving slowly as to warn her of his intentions in case she did not want to, Russ covered her lips with his own, only closing his eyes once she accepted his kiss.  It started off as a slow, sweet kiss, but feeling her lips again after only dreaming of them for so long, broke his will to hold back.  As it always had, passion flared like a flame to gasoline.  His fingers threaded through her hair to hold her head in place as his tongue slid across the seam of her lips asking for entry which she granted.

Caught up in the kiss, he snaked his other hand around her waist and pulled her onto his lap.  He broke the kiss to ask and make sure she was alright and that she wanted it as much as he did.

As if knowing what he was asking without him saying a word, Leigh said exactly what his heart needed to hear.  She raised her hand up and ran her fingers so lightly over his cheek and down his jaw that it felt as if she tickled him with a feather.

“You have always been, and always will be, the only man I love.” She stood up and grabbed his hand pulling it and him to follow her.  After they has ascended the stairs and went into her room, she closed the door and continued.  “You are the only man I have ever willingly been with Russell.  Even in all the time we’ve been apart, no one has even caught my attention in that way.  You were my first everything.  I would like you to be my last.”

Russ was overwhelmed with what she’d said.  He didn’t deserve her, he never had, but he would never throw the blessing that she was away again.  He walked up to her, grabbed her thin waist in both hands and pulled her to him, her hands resting on his chest. 

“I swear to you that, since the first time you said yes to going on a date with me in high school – before that even - there has been nobody else for me either.”  He figured it would be good to get everything out in the open.  Even if she didn’t remember the next day, he would never lie to her.  “As betrayed as I felt, and as angry as I was with you, I couldn’t look at anyone else.”

At his admission, Leigh used the hands she had resting on him to balance herself as she stood up on her tiptoes.  When he saw what her intention was, he bent down to meet her halfway and the kiss that had started in the kitchen resumed with a higher heat level, but when Russ started to slide her t-shirt up her ribs to be able to pull it off, she back up.

“I’m not the same as I used to be,” she said in a shaky voice.  “I’ve had surgeries and treatments…”

Releasing her shirt again, Russ places a finger over her mouth.  “Nothing could make you any less beautiful than you’ve always been to me, but if you aren’t comfortable doing this, then I understand.  I don’t want to force you into anything.  I’d wait forever for you to be ready for me.”

Leigh shook her head and let out a shuddering breath.  “N-no…I want to.  I just don’t want you to be disappointed in me.”

“I promise you that that is not possible.”

He watched as she made her decision and took off her shirt and unhooked her bra.  He was right, she was just as beautiful as ever, but he wanted to cry as he realized what she’d been afraid of.

Chapter 12

When Leigh slid her bra down her arms, she couldn’t bring herself to look into Russell’s face.  For a moment, his hands froze on her shoulders where he’d been following the path of her straps.  When she heard his breath hitch, she finally looked up.  Knowing he didn’t see the awe that was shining on her face, she watched as he focused on the scar that used to be her right breast, his left hand went down and delicately traced over where her it used to be before he looked up.

“You are so beautiful, Leigh,” he whispered.  “And nothing will ever be able to change that.”

A sob escaped her and she realized that she had been holding her breath, dreading that he would think her as hideous as she saw herself when she looked in the mirror.  But he was so earnest and sincere.  He truly saw her as beautiful.

“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when this happened, but I promise that I will be there for you from here on out if you’ll allow me to be.” He seemed to be unaware that he was still tracing the scar as he spoke, but it was making Leigh break out into goose bumps and sending tingling shivers through her body just to heat her up in her most intimate places.  “They had to do this because you had to wait so long to do treatment?”

“Yes.”

He bent down and delicately placed his lips over hers, then worked his way down her jaw and collar bone to end up on the scar.  “This is a part of who you are, but it does not define you,” he said after kissing across it.  “You are the same hardworking, fun-loving, kind hearted woman as you always have been.  That is what defines you.  That is what makes you beautiful.  Your gorgeous face is just the icing to top it all.”

Overcome with his heartfelt and sincere statement, Leigh put her arms back around Russell’s neck and pulled him down for another passion filled kiss.  This one had an urgent, desperate feeling to it.  She grabbed his shirt and pushed it up to take it off of him, him bending down the help her reach better, their lips only separating long enough to get it over his head before meeting again.

When her hands made it back to his chest to run along his pecks and six pack, she couldn’t stop the giggle that sounded around his tongue that was still in her mouth.

He backed off just a little to cock his eyebrow in question as he said, “It’s kind of a blow to a man’s ego when a woman laughs while he’s kissing her.”

“No.  I didn’t mean…” she giggled again while looking where her hands were rubbing.  “Still mowing the lawn, I see.”  It felt real good to be able to tease him again.

Leigh had always found it amusing that Russell was obsessed with being hairless in certain areas, he would wax his chest and legs. He used to tell her it was because it was itchy and uncomfortable when he was sweating during practices and games of whichever sport he was doing at that moment, but he didn’t have that excuse anymore.

“Hey,” he said, sounding offended, but the humor she saw on the edges of his mouth and in his eyes belied his tone.  “I still sweat a lot when I’m out doing chores on the ranch.”

Before she could tease him further, he feathered his lips across hers again.  It started off soft, like he was worshiping her with his mouth, but it took a turn and passion erupted again.  As Leigh trailed her fingers around his sides and up his back, Russell was still touching the scar and her breast, rolling the nipple between his thumb and forefinger sending a sharp line of pleasure straight to her core causing her to drop her head back and moan his name.

She knew that his back would cramp up, Leigh wasn’t surprised when Russell lifted her up to where her face was level to her.  Her fingers threaded into his hair, and she held his head so that the kiss wouldn’t end.  Barely touching the floor on her tip toes, and quite uncomfortable, she hopped up and wrapped her legs around his waist.  Russell immediately put his hands on her butt cheeks to carry her as he made his way over to her bed.

Lying her gently across the bed, he slowly ran his hands down her jean clad legs to her feet to take her shoes and socks off.  He kissed the arch of each foot before letting them fall to hang over the side of the bed.  The slow care he was taking with her melted her insides like ice in a sauna. With his eyes never leaving hers, he slid his hands back up the outside of her legs.  When he finally reached the waist of her jean, he unbuttoned them, grabbed them and her delicate pink laced panties and took them off her.

He stood there for a while, just looking, and she started to feel self-conscious, so she lifted her hands to be able to cover herself as much as possible.

“No!” he said as he stopped her.  “I want to be able to see you.  It’s been so long using just my imagination.  Let me get my fill, please.” 

She tried to free her hands so she could touch him too, but he laughed and stopped her again.  “If you touch me, I’m gonna blow.  I want this to last.”

A thrill spread throughout her body knowing that he felt that way still.  She was very self-conscious about her body; missing her right breast and having a couple of scars from the different surgeries she’d had.  He looked at her as if she were perfect and made her feel that way too.

Russ just couldn’t believe that he was finally allowed to be with her again.  For all of this time he’d been so stupid being angry and feeling betrayed when he’d known in his heart that Leigh wasn’t that type of woman.  It came to him in an epiphany as he looked down at the angel beneath him.  He’d been scared.  He’d been scared that he didn’t deserve her and would lose her at some point that he threw her away before she could leave him.  It was stupid and made him even less worthy now than he had been then to have her be a part of his life, but he would never throw her out again.  Deserving or not, he had her back and would work every day to be worthy of her love and to make up for past mistakes and hurts.

He didn’t move his eyes from hers as he lifted her leg up over his shoulder and bent over to suckle at her breast.  When her breathing escalated, he kissed the scar that she saw as a blemish to her perfection.  He only saw it as a mark of how strong she was to have endured everything she had been through.  Vowing to himself that she would never have to endure anything without him again, he kissed up the hollow of her neck, up her jaw, and finally found his goal.

After a kiss that seared his soul with her name, he looked into her eyes that were shining with tears and spoke from his heart.

“I have loved you from the moment I met you,” his voiced broke as he tried to hold back the tears he felt welling in his own eyes.  “I have been so stupid and have made so many mistakes that have hurt you.  I deserve every bit of suffering I have endured because it was of my own making, but I am so sorry for everything I have put you through.  If you will allow me, I will spend every minute of the rest of my days making it up to you and Randy.”

As his tears fell with his words, so did hers.  Instead of answering him, Leigh lifted her head to kiss his tears away as he wiped hers.  She wrapped her legs around his hips and squeezed to guide him where she wanted him to go.