Living With No Regrets (19 page)

It had been three days since she went under the knife, and they still had her in a medically induced coma because of brain swelling.  The swelling had reduced somewhat in the last twenty four hours, so they were hoping all would be well enough to bring her out of it in the next couple of days.

The dream he’d been having was still very vivid in his mind’s eye, and he decided that he wanted to know what Mary Leigh thought about things.  She’d always been so nice, treating him like a son, but she was just that type of person. Did she really feel that way?

He got out of the chair they’d pulled close to the bed so that she could sit. But he couldn’t relinquish her hand, nor could he take his eyes off of her yet.  “Do you think Leigh would have had a better life without me in it?  Randy notwithstanding.”  

Russ had been thinking back on every aspect of their relationship.  All the good and the bad.  The good seemed to outweigh the bad, but the bad times were very heavy, very bad things.  Leigh had made his life better in every aspect.  The past years without her and not knowing Randy were his fault, not hers.  What had he ever really done for her?

“What has you having such…negative thoughts?  I thought you and Leigh had talked things out.”

He let out a breath of frustration.  “Not really,” he answered.  “There are things that she needs to know about, and things I want to know, but she wants to leave the past in the past.  I tried to apologize for everything I did.  She said she forgave me, but that we needed to forget it and just move on; live in the now, not the then.”

“I love Leigh more than life itself, but sometimes she don’t use the sense God gave her.”

Russ was finally able to turn away from Leigh to look at her mother as she let out the same breath of frustration that he had done not even a minute before.

“When Leigh first moved to Sioux Falls, she had a crisis of faith.”  It broke Russ’ heart to hear the sadness in Mary Leigh’s voice.  “I couldn’t go with her right away to help because I was in the middle of the deal on the store, so she was all alone.  She could have talk to me about it on the phone, but at that time I was getting the backwash of the wedding fiasco.  Oh, don’t you go feeling bad,” she said as she saw him flinch at the stab guilt he felt.  “I think you’ve more than served your penance.  Anyway, she didn’t want to add any stress on me, so she didn’t call me.  She found a church to attend and immediately felt like it was the right place to be.  After a couple of weeks, she started meeting with the pastor, and he was able to help.  After her diagnosis, the doctors tried to tell her that she needed to abort Randy or the odds of her surviving were quite low, but she couldn’t do it.”

“Thank God for that.”  He was shocked to know that he might never have had a kid if Leigh weren’t the woman she was.

“Yes, well…the further she progressed in the pregnancy, the sicker she got.  It made her have to face the possibility of death.  She received counseling from her pastor, and he’s the one that would say things like let the past go and have no regrets, but she applied that to her own beliefs.  The thing is, everyone has regrets about something.  I don’t think you’d be able to find one person who wouldn’t look back and wish they had done something different.  That is regret.  Even if you are thankful of where it led you to in life, you’d still change something.  Leigh is hiding behind that theory of letting the past go with no regrets.  She doesn’t want to talk about it because she’s been running from it for so long.  She’s afraid to face everything.”

Russ could understand that.  He didn’t really want to face it either, but he also knew that they would not be able to move on until they did, or it would always be hanging over their head.

“But to answer your original question; no she wouldn’t have been better off.  You both needed each other.  You balanced each other; each making the other better.  The two of you made a whole,
if you understand my meaning.”

He did, but he didn’t agree.  Leigh made him a better man, yes, but what had he ever done for her? 
How did he make her better? 

“I’m going to spend time with Randy.” he said as he finally released Leigh’s hand.  “And he wants to come up here later so he can read her another book.  Ever since the nurse told him that Leigh might be able to hear him, he’d read her books and talked about Carowinds and other random things.  He said that he doesn’t want her to miss him too much.”

Mary Leigh smiled in agreement.  “James and Maggie made it in, so they took him out to lunch.”

Russ nodded and bent down to first kiss Leigh’s forehead, and then turned to kiss Mary Leigh’s cheek.  He thought about all of what Mary Leigh had said and decided to take it to heart.  Leigh had told him to forgive himself.  Of course that was easier said than done.

Chapter 14

“Is momma awake yet?”  Randy came running out of the house as soon as he saw Russ drive up.  “Can we go shee her?”

“Sorry, Bud,” Russ picked his son up and walked over to greet his ma and pa, who had come out after Randy.  “She’s still sleeping, but I’ll take you later to see her and read to her, okay?”

He put his other arm around his mother and kissed her temple in greeting and then asked his pa how long they would be able to stay.

“We’re here for as long as we’re needed, Son.” He answered, sounding a bit confused.  “I left Thad running things while we’re here.  He’ll call if there are any problems, but you and Mark will need help with both Leigh and Mary Leigh.  Especially when Leigh comes home.”

It hit him then.  He had forgotten that Mary Leigh was supposed to be starting her Chemotherapy the following week.  He felt like a real jerk for forgetting.  She had decided to put it off a week due to Leigh’s surgery, but Leigh had made her promise to start it and not to put it off any longer than that.

“Yeah, I guess.” He said as he led them back into the house.  The smell of something cooking assaulted him as soon as he entered the house, so he headed to the kitchen where Mark had a couple of pots on the stove and something in the oven.

“How’s she doing?” he asked as soon as they entered.

Russ settled Randy down on his lap, and Randy laid his head back against Russ’ chest and covered his big hands with his own.  As energetic and bouncy as he’d seemed when Russ first arrived, Randy’s mood had changed drastically.  Hearing that his momma wasn’t awake yet had changed things.  So with that in mind, Russ told them how things were going.

“She’s doing better,” he said aloud but directed toward Randy.  “The swelling is down, and if she keeps improving, they’ll wake her up in a couple of days.”

“Daddy?” Randy’s voice sounded so small and scared that it broke Russ’ heart.  “Do you think Momma really hearsh me when I talk to her?”

“The nurse seems to think so, and I think that’s why she’s getting better and will wake soon.”

Randy perked up after hearing that.  He was practically bouncing on Russ’ lap.  “When can we go shee her?”

“Well…You have to eat first, and then we’ll go.  Let’s give your Mimi some time with her.  By the time you’re done eating, it will be close to bedtime anyway, so you can consider your book a bedtime story to give your momma good dreams.” Russ looked over at his parents as Randy jumped off of his lap and ran upstairs to pick a good book.  “I thought y’all were taking him out to eat?”

“Yes dear, we were going to, but Mark asked us to dinner,” Maggie smiled Marks way.  “He’s just like me it seems and cooks whenever something’s on his mind, so we accepted the invite and stayed in.”

“Are y’all coming with us to the hospital?”

“Of course.”

Russ turned to Mark.  They hadn’t really talked much since he’d met him, but he knew of the close bond he had with Leigh.  “How about you?” he asked.

Mark kept stirring the pots and even took what looked like brownies out of the oven.  He showed no sign of knowing that Russ was talking to him, so he asked again.  “Mark, are you going with us?”

Mark looked pleasantly shocked, and Russ wondered why but didn’t ask about it.

“If you’re sure you don’t mind…” he answered hesitantly.

“You certainly don’t need my permission to go see her, but I don’t mind anyway.  She said you were like her brother, and I know that, if she were awake, she’d miss you if you didn’t.”

Despite the conversation that was going on around him, Russ couldn’t honestly say that he knew what was being said.  His head was all over the place because he hadn’t gotten any sleep since Saturday night outside of cat naps. 

It was the fear of the unknown.  Would Leigh be better when she woke, or would she not remember anything?  Would it be just as bad as before, or worse?  Would she forget that she had forgiven him?  He just didn’t know, but he knew that he would be by her side no matter what; even if she didn’t want him there.

He remembered back to their school days and how he started showing up wherever she was and just hung out with her; even when she would get frustrated and tell him to leave.  He almost laughed at the thought that he was her stalker until she finally wore down enough to say yes to a date with him.  He gave pestering a new meaning and his image as an example, but it worked.  Hell, he even bought her a horse trying to bribe her.  She fell in love with the horse way before she did him.  It was their first date, and he was so happy that it was just them, no Bill around to distract her as he usually did when Russ was around.  He didn’t tell her that the horse was hers, though.  He knew she would never accept a gift like that, but she was so excited when he asked her to name the horse.  She chose Misty.  It was later in their relationship that she told him she chose that name because the morning that they went riding that the pastures all looked magical with the mist that floated right about the ground.

“Where’re you at, Son?”

Russ looked up and saw that his parents were looking at him with some concern, as was Mark who was setting serving platters on the table, but didn’t have a chance to answer before Randy ran back in with two books in his hand.

“Which one should I read?” 

He laid the books down in front of him as he took his seat at the table.  The books were ‘Goodnight Moon’ and ‘Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book’.  Russ flipped through the pages to see which would be easier for Randy to read.  “This book has some really hard words in it.  Are you sure you can read it alright?”

“Yesh.  Momma taught me.” Randy was still bouncing with enthusiasm, and Russ was glad that his somber mood had lifted.  “She shaid to shound out the wordsh I don’t know.”

“That’s right, Bud.  Why don’t we take both books, then?  That way whichever one you don’t read today, you can read to her tomorrow.”

He fixed Randy’s plate before fixing his own.  They all shared small talk in between bites until they were all fed and sated.  Russ called Mary Leigh to see if it was a good time to bring Randy, but she said that they had taken Leigh down to radiology for several scans.  He thought it was a bit strange since they usually did the scans in the mornings, but figured he could ask the nurse or doctor when he got there.  Mary Leigh would call him when they brought Leigh back.  His parents took Randy upstairs with them to wash up and change clothes, leaving him and Mark in the dining room to clean up the dinner dishes.

“How did you and Leigh become friends?” Russ asked.  He’d heard the basics of how they met, but not really how they became friends.

Mark caught his eye, seeming like he was trying to read something there.  “You know I’m gay, right?”

“Yeah…and?”

Mark shook his head and put the detergent into the water he was running for the dishes.  In passing, Russ wondered why he didn’t just use the dishwasher, but didn’t ask.  He grabbed a dish towel to dry with.

“I had a life partner,” he took a deep breath as if preparing for a hard conversation.  “His name was Charles and we had moved to O’ahu for a while because they supported same sex marriages.  We had a good life there for a couple of years, we had charter boat for tourists in Honolulu, until Charles was diagnosed with stage three prostate cancer.  There were some treatments that could be tried, but it had spread where the prognosis wasn’t good.  When we researched different cancer treatment centers, and decided on Sanford Cancer Center in Sioux Falls.  After a couple of months, we were on our way out after one of Charles’ treatments, when we passed a woman standing in the waiting room, staring out the window, rubbing her belly.  Well, Charles was the type of man that never met a stranger, so he had me wheel him over to her and said something…I can’t even remember what he said, but it made her laugh.”

They had finished the few dishes, and were both leaning against the counter.  Russ could see that Mark was lost in his memories, much like he’d been for the past couple of days.

“We all sat down and just talked for two and a half hours, she and Charles just hit it off,” he continued.  “And I could see why.  They were just alike.  We didn’t find out what was wrong with her that day and didn’t see her again for three weeks.  We’d wondered about her, but didn’t ever get to the exchanging of numbers that day.  Anyway, Charles’ treatments had stopped the week before, but we went there every day to volunteer.  That day we were at the children’s hospital, it was the first time we’d been there and we were just spending time playing with the kids there, when Leigh showed up with some Disney movie, a couple of books, and an ice cream cake.  She stood in the doorway looking around, smiled when she saw us, and then asked where one of the little girls were, but that girl and her parents came up behind her.  It was the little girl’s birthday and she wanted to celebrate with her.”