Living With Regret (34 page)

“I love you, too.”

His head lifts from the pillow, his warm lips touching my shoulder. He draws a line to the base of my neck. It tickles just enough to make me squirm in his arms. “You really scared me last night,” he says, kissing below my ear. I let him.

“I didn’t realize how long I’d been out there. I was so freaking mad, I thought I was going to totally lose it.”

He splays his hand against my bare stomach, fingertips tracing my belly button. “You should have called me. I would have come for you.”

My heart aches in the worst way after I spoke with Madison yesterday. With all the voices screaming in my head, it was impossible to hear reason. I don’t even know if it exists anymore. “I wasn’t thinking clearly. I couldn’t.”

He leans in, gently brushing his lips across mine. He pulls away slowly, his eyes never leaving my face. I never thought I’d be with him like this again. “I really thought you were gone for good. I thought we were done.”

“I don’t think that’s possible. I always come back to you in some way or another, but Sam, I have to be able to trust you. If there’s anything else—”

His large hands cup my face. “There’s nothing else … not that pertains to you or us. I only kept things from you to protect you. I knew the reason you were running, and I didn’t want to be the one to tell you. As much as I wanted you, I didn’t want to tarnish how you felt about Cory. Not when he wasn’t here to defend himself.”

What he’s saying makes sense. I think if the tables were turned, and I knew the same thing about someone Sam loved, I would have a hard time coming clean. What would be the point if the person who’d done wrong was no longer here? It just becomes another layer of pain to deal with, and no one wants to see someone they love going through that.

There’s one thing I haven’t remembered about that night. I can’t think of a reason why I would’ve let Cory into my car. I’m a different person now than I was back then, but I think I would’ve told him to find his own way home. In fact, I’m pretty sure of it.

“How did Cory end up in my car? Were you still there then?”

“After he found us, he tried to fight me until you blurted that you knew about him and Madison. Everything stopped then. He became really quiet, and you asked me to walk you to your car. God, Rachel, I tried to talk you into letting me take you home, but I didn’t try hard enough. You’ve always been so stubborn,” he says hurriedly, brushing his thumbs along my neck. “I made sure you were in the car, and you slowly started to pull away. I thought everything was good and I’d just call the next morning to check up on you. I watched as you stopped at the end of the dirt road, and he jumped in the passenger seat. I didn’t expect you to pull away with him, but there was nothing I could do.”

Closing my eyes, I nod into his hands. My whole world revolved around Cory. From everything I remember, I was completely broken that night because of what he did, but I loved him. There wouldn’t have been any second chances, not after I saw him with Madison, but I would have wanted an explanation. I would’ve wanted to know why.

“There are so many things I wish had happened differently, or not at all, but I think the ending would have been the same. I think the ending would have always been me and you.”

He kisses my forehead. Each cheek. The cleft of my chin. The tip of my nose. “I hope you always feel that way.”

I truly believe we all have one person we’re meant for. There’s a reason I always come back to Sam. Knowing what I know now, I wonder how long it would have taken Cory and I to break up. Would I have found my way back to Sam? Would he have come after me?

I remember when Madison was in my car, and she was telling me how she’d been hanging out with Sam. I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby she was carrying, and how I hated that it was Sam’s. Honestly, it hurt more thinking about Sam making a baby with her than it did thinking about Cory and Madison together. Maybe it’s just because of where I am now in life … the relationships I’ve rekindled.

“Can I tell you something?” I ask, combing my fingers through his long bangs.

“You can tell me anything.”

“When Madison started telling me that she’d been seeing you, I thought the baby was yours. That thought pretty much crushed me.”

He climbs on top of me, our bodies perfectly aligned. “Oh, baby, I couldn’t even think about that with her. Besides, I think to her, I was nothing but a distraction.”

“From Cory?”

“Yeah,” he says, kissing the tip of my nose. “We distracted each other.”

I still haven’t gotten over the fact that Sam liked me all these years. I wonder how long he would have waited. It doesn’t matter now, I guess, because we’re here. “Thank you, Sam.”

“For what?”

“For getting me through all of this.”

He kisses me deeply, pushing his tongue between the seam of my lips. His movements are urgent, but we’re in sync, our tongues dancing to the sweet song in our hearts.

The second he backs away, I miss his touch. “I’m going to say this again and hope you take it differently this time.” He pauses, allowing our eyes to connect. “I’ll always keep you safe.”

He will. I know he will.

The key to a happy, fulfilling life is to be able to forgive when the devil makes himself known through others. I’ve had a couple weeks to work through what I learned about Cory and Madison. My anger faded, and an overwhelming sadness took its place. A baby, who will never know his father, is going to be born. And as much as I want to hate Madison, I can’t. She’s going to be someone’s mother—a young mother without anyone to help her.

For some reason, I need her to know that I don’t wish anything bad on her. What’s done can’t be undone … I realize that, and I’m pretty sure she does, too.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Sam asks, covering my hand with his.

I smile, albeit a little forced because of the crazy butterflies in my stomach. “I think I have to.”

As Madison’s house comes into view, my heart rate picks up. Like me, she’s lived in the same house since she was born. A one story, baby blue colonial with black shutters. I’ve always thought it was cute, like one of those perfect homes from a half-hour sitcom, but real life things happen here.

Sam parks along the street but sits quietly at my side. He knows how I work, thinking everything through. I’ve rehearsed what I want to say over and over the last couple days, but I know the minute I see her, that will all go out the window.

“Just wait here,” I say, grabbing the manila envelope from the back seat. “I should only be a few minutes.”

“Take your time.”

I step onto the curb and slowly make my way up to the white door. I have to tell myself to keep walking, to do what I came here to do.

Before I think too much, I knock against the wood door, praying she’s here so I don’t have to go through this whole process again. When I’m about to hit my knuckles against the wood again, it opens.

It’s Janet, Madison’s mother. Her mouth falls open when she sees it’s me, but she quickly recovers. She knows. “Hi, Rachel, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

“Hi, Janet. Is Madison home?”

She hesitates, her chest moving up and down at a visible pace. “Let me check. I’ll be right back.”

Instead of inviting me in, she closes the door. Janet knows Madison is home and, right now, they’re probably talking about whether or not it’s a good idea for her to come out here with me. I don’t know if I’d come out in this situation.

A couple minutes later, the door opens again. It’s not Janet this time … it’s Madison. She looks terrified, and if I had to bet, I’d say she’s been crying.

“Hi,” I say, trying to break some of the tension. Maybe it will never break, but I might crack it.

“Hi,” she says back, resting one hand on her stomach.

“I came by to give you this.” I hold out the manila envelope. She carefully pulls it from between my fingers, eyeing it suspiciously. Before we drove here, I’d decided to take the high road. I’m not going to bring up everything that went wrong, because it’s not going to make this right. “I think they might be of more use to you than they are to me,” I add.

“What is it?” she asks, running her fingertips along the top.

“You can open it.” The way she looks at me, you would think I just placed fire in her hands. “It’s nothing bad. I promise.”

Biting my lower lip, I watch her unclasp it and pull the photographs out. She thumbs through the first few, her eyes welling with unshed tears. “Why are you giving these to me? Don’t you want to keep them?”

My emotions boil over. I was going to try to be strong, to hold them in, but that’s not possible. Not after everything that’s happened the last several months. There were days I didn’t think I’d be able to move on, days I didn’t want to move on, but I am. Being able to do this proves how much I’ve grown up.

“I kept the ones of us, but I thought you should have these … for the baby. He or she should know who their father was. They should see his smile, because it’s unforgettable. I know I’ll never forget it.”

Tears slip down her cheeks, but she quickly wipes them away as she looks through photo after photo of Cory throughout high school. In some he’s happy, smiling, and in others, he’s thoughtful, pensive. It’s how I’d want him remembered. “I can’t believe you’re doing this … after everything.”

“Whatever happened between us, it’s not anyone else’s fault,” I cry, looking at her swollen stomach.

“I wish I could go back. I’m so sorry, Rachel. I was young and—”

“I’ll never forget what happened, but I forgive you. A couple weeks ago, I never thought I’d be able to, but I have to. There’s no way to move forward if I’m holding onto this,” I say. It’s the truth. She was a huge part of my life for so long, and it’s impossible to hate her no matter how much she hurt me.

She just stares at me, so I continue, “We can’t ever go back to what we were, or even a semblance of it, but I needed you to know I’m not angry. Not anymore.”

She nods, slipping the photos back into the envelope. “That’s all I ever hoped for … your forgiveness.”

“Anyway, I need to get going. Someone’s waiting for me.” I motion toward Sam’s Camaro parked on the street.

“Again, thank you for this,” she says, waving the envelope. “For everything.”

“Take care, Madison.” Without another word, I walk back toward the car, feeling lighter than I have in months. Everything is clearer to me now, and the best part of that picture sits before me. He’s a vision in his gray beanie, blond hair sticking out from underneath, and his signature black leather jacket. No words can describe how much I love this guy.

I open the passenger door, sliding into the leather seat. “How did it go?” he asks, before I even have an opportunity to shut the door.

“Good. I’m just glad it’s over with, you know?”

“I’m proud of you. I don’t think I could have done that,” he says, gently squeezing my knee.

“The most difficult things we do in life can be the most gratifying.”

“Waiting for you all these years was the most painful, frustrating thing in my life, but what I have now makes it worth it.”

The Camaro pulls up next to the large shop where Sam lives and works. I’ve been spending more nights here than at my own house, but being with Sam makes me feel at home. “Do you want me to cook you dinner?” he asks.

My lips turn up. “Depends. I’m kind of partial to your veggie pizza ordering.”

He leans over the console, placing a feather-soft kiss on my cheek. “Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

I think God created the stars to make believers out of all of us. But how brightly they shine … that’s up to us.

Three and a half years later…

THE THING ABOUT SMALL
towns is there's always going to be something you miss about them, even if you convince yourself you want to disappear to a bigger place. During the last three years, I've spent most months in the city, only coming home for the warm summer months. I always looked forward to the last day of school, when I’d get to spend some time in the place I love. And this time, I finally graduated, which means this move is permanent.

I majored in design, and once I showed Ms. Peters the work I’d done, she offered me a full-time job. For now, I’ll still be doing deliveries, but I’ll also get to help with weddings and special events, which is exciting to me. It’s kind of funny how tragedy handed me a career path. Design was the last thing on my mind my first year of college.