Losing Control (10 page)

“What was that about?” Lane asked when we found a table.

“What?”

“Elena,” Lane said, and he looked at me in a strange way. “You like her, don’t you?”

“What? That’s absurd!”

“No, it’s not,” my brother was adamant. “You were threatening the guy like he had really pissed you off and I don’t remember you standing up for people at your workplace before.”

“That guy was being an asshole.”

“To her. I noticed.”

“Lane, could you shut up about this?”

Lane grinned. “No.”

Even my brother’s teasing couldn’t get me to relax. That guy, Nick, sounded like trouble. I couldn’t help but think what would happen if he tried to do the same to her when she was unprotected. I should get her to file a restraining order, really make sure he stays out of her life.

“What would you like to have, sir?”

The next day at work I was back to avoiding Nick’s calls. This time around there were more texts, stupid, annoying, threatening and he still kept trying to call. I had to leave my phone aside and forget it even existed in order to distract myself. But he had been at it since the previous night. Why couldn’t he just give up? Couldn’t he see I was not the same person who had been staying with him all those years? He probably didn’t realize that moving on had changed me in ways that he couldn’t imagine, and made me understand how stupid I had been and I was not about to repeat that stupidity. But of course, there was no way I could have explained that to him. I just hoped that soon enough he would find someone else to follow around, and charm into a life with him and I would be history. Until then, I was going to have to accept this frustration and annoyance as part of my life. In an effort to forget about the incident I didn’t even tell Tristan and Alex about what went on outside the breakfast place, even though I had gotten into the habit of discussing things with them the minute they happened. Sometimes they knew things before Penny did because we worked together and they were always nearby. Perhaps I should have called in sick; I was too distracted to work. But calling in sick at a job you’ve just begun, it hadn’t seemed like the best way to handle things. So here I was, trying to focus on the task at hand, but unable to concentrate, hoping that people won’t notice. When the beautiful young brunette came towards my desk I thought that I must surely be in trouble.

“Mr. Ryker would like to see you in his office,” she said in her usual professional monotone. I recognized her as Thorne’s assistant, the gorgeous woman everyone thought he was sleeping with. Actually most people thought Ryker was having sex with every female he could get his hands on. Somehow it didn’t seem like a fair judgment of him, but what did I care. So what if he was the man-whore everyone kept talking about? It wasn’t my problem.

“Mr. Ryker?” I repeated, just to be sure. That had never happened before, he had never called me into his office, and in fact he hardly ever met people there. If Ryker had to meet someone it was usually in the conference room. Most people knew to stay away when he was locked up in that office of his, because half the time he was in it, he wasn’t a very pleasant person. Naturally, I was concerned that it might be my turn this time, and that he would be rude to me as well. On a day like today, that would be just awful. But the assistant didn’t even respond to my question, she just turned and went back to her desk, leaving me no option but to do as I was asked.

When I stepped into his office, Thorne was immersed in some files on his desk. There was a pen in his hand and he was actually writing with it, instead of having someone else do it for him.

“Hi,” I said, wondering if that was the appropriate greeting for the boss.

Thorne looked up from his papers.

“Please sit,” he said, in a tone that was clearly business.

My legs started shaking uncontrollably for no reason at all. My fingers started fidgeting and I had to stop myself. Thorne closed the file and his attention was on me, his eyes calculating, watching my every move. “How’s work?” he asked.

Small talk? Seriously?

“Work is great,” I stammered, as if I could say anything else considering how new I was and how that was never the right response to your employer’s generic questioning, he was obviously just trying to be nice. Besides, there was nothing major to complain about.

“Are you sure?” he said. “Because I doubt any kind of work can be
great
.”

That’s when my mind went haywire. Was everything okay? Why was he asking me about work? Did he know something I didn’t? Had someone said something about me? Registered a complaint perhaps? What if that was true? What if he had called me in here to tell me my assistance was no longer required? What if he really didn’t like getting involved with the whole thing with Nick yesterday? I mean, that had to be incredibly unprofessional right?

“What I mean is,” I began. “Things are good. I think I’m getting along well…unless you’ve heard something?”

He looked at me for a second, not getting what I was trying to say at first, but then he understood. “No,” he said. “Nothing like that! I’m sorry…there’s nothing to be afraid of. You’re fine…we’re happy with your performance. Really, there is nothing to worry about.”

Relief swept through me.

“Glad to hear it,” I said.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Thorne said. “I hope that guy didn’t bother you again.”

Oh
, I thought.

That guy
, I thought.

“No,” I said. “I’m fine. It’s fine…I mean Nick; he’s not dangerous or anything. He was just angry and I know he went overboard, but I know him. He’s not going to hurt me, at least not in the way you think.”

Thorne didn’t seem convinced.

“Look I can get you help,” he said. “A lawyer… security detail, anything you need. I can talk to some friends of mine at the precinct if you want.”

“No! That’s fine. Really.”

“Okay but if it ever gets out of hand, you will tell me right? You have no idea what people are capable of.”

I wondered if that was supposed to mean something to me. Also, I had to wonder for just a moment whether Thorne was speaking about himself, telling me in a subtle way that I should be careful. Well, he had nothing to worry about.

“I will, thank you,” I said. “But there’s nothing to worry about.”

He didn’t look convinced. “One of my friends,” Thorne said. “She was like a sister to me. She used to be in a difficult relationship. The guy started giving her trouble when they separated. I just felt maybe you might be in trouble too.”

Why was he trying to explain this?

“I’m sorry about your friend,” I said.

“Nothing to be sorry about,” he said. “She married this amazing guy last year. They have a baby on the way. She’s never been happier. She always said the divorce was the best thing to happen to her.”

“That’s crap,” I said, realizing too late what I had just done. But the words spilled from my mouth, I wasn’t thinking. They just freaking spilled!

So now I felt even more awkward than before.

“What?” he said, incredulous.

But since I had already started this thing, there was nothing to do but try and explain what I was going to say. “I just mean…there’s nothing good about a divorce or a separation. It breaks your heart. You’re hurt that the other person would choose someone else or some other dream, over you. It’s always going through your mind, the fact that they did nothing to protect you or your feelings. That they acted so selfishly and didn’t care for one second what it did to you. So yes, you might find someone else and you might move on, and you might actually be happy, but really, you’re just still going to have to go through this…this period of torture, where you don’t even know what you’re doing because you always had life planned out some other way, you know?”

I said and stopped, wondering if I went too far but Thorne looked like he was smiling just a little. “You’re right,” he said. “About all of it. There’s really nothing that can nullify that, and you certainly can’t try to fill the hole created by them with someone else.”

Now that this had become some kind of conversation, I didn’t hesitate to add more. “But you can hope that someone or something will come,” I said. “Something that creates a place inside your heart that is much deeper and stronger than that hole. It’s the only way to get closure. Finding something else or someone else you can lose yourself in.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

I tried to smile. “Well now you have.”

“Are you a writer or something?”

“Or something,” I said.

He was really grinning now. “I’m glad we had this chat,” he said.

Was that a way to ask me to leave because we have gone past our meeting/small-talk time? I had to assume that’s what it was.

“I should probably leave now,” I said. “I have some work to finish before I go.”

“Sure,” he said. “Don’t let me keep you.”

I had almost gone out the door when I decided I needed to add something. “Thanks,” I said and left before he could say anything else. I wished I could tell him how I felt, that it was nice, knowing that someone cared enough to ask me how I was doing. That I could get help if I needed. And somehow, after the talk with Thorne, I was no longer distracted.

I was distracted.

I had been distracted for some time but that talk played with my head even more. It was like every time I talked to her, every moment we spent together was full of some kind of electricity, and I felt it every time she was sharing a space with me. Didn’t matter what I might have been thinking about, or what was worrying me, seeing her changed everything. It was almost as though before her, I had very little to look forward to and someone like me should have things to look forward to, right? So why was I feeling that way? As though despite the fact that we weren’t even together, everything had already changed and I felt like a different person?

I just wished I had met her before that jerk entered her life.

He wasn’t bad looking but the vibe he gave out was of a dangerous person. But it was obvious Elena didn’t think so. Perhaps I should take up the restraining order conversation some other time.

For all I know, she might want to get back with him.

The thought was uncomfortable, but I couldn’t help thinking perhaps she still felt something for him. It was not some feeling I got from her, just the fact that I’ve known people who broke up with their partners because they did shitty things, and then went back regardless of what other people told them they should do. If that was her, I wished her nothing but the best. It was her life, she had every right to make the decisions that she thought were right for her.

The fact that the mere thought of it made me want to punch someone in the face, was besides the point.