Losing Control (13 page)

Everything changed after that one evening and that entire day with Thorne and his brother. Well, at least everything inside me, changed. The rest of the world and the people in it, Penny and even my coworkers were entirely unaware of it.

But then there was Thorne.

Despite the constant warnings, and frequent arguments from the sane side of my brain, I constantly felt as though Thorne was taking this whole thing just as seriously as I was. At first I thought I probably sounded like one of those people who make up entire love affairs inside their heads and act like it’s actually happening, but all my doubts were confirmed the day he offered me a ride back home in the limo. Stanton was driving and I was tired, everyone had already left and I was used to working late most days so it was just us. Accepting a ride didn’t seem that much of big thing.

That was until I stepped inside.

At first we smiled a lot and we were polite, but I could feel the tension inside that cramped place like it was some actual thing that surrounded us. I felt feverish, and the feelings of immense desire that I had felt after drinking too much at the club came rushing back, even though this time I was completely sober. I tried to concentrate on other things, not on the way his hair sat a bit wavy on his head; not on the way he had knotted that tie; and certainly not on the way his shirt seemed to flatter the contours of his chest.

Certainly not that.

And since I was making a show of concentrating on something else, I happened to drop some paperwork and then I managed to spill the drink he offered me while trying to recover the fallen file. “It’s okay,” Thorne said, and started picking the things up. “Let me.” His voice hit my ears like the last nail in the proverbial coffin. The fragrance of him that had always mesmerized me was now so close within reach it was unbearable.

“Thanks,” was the only word I could muster when the papers had been picked up and set aside. Afterward, he just looked at me.  And this time, it wasn’t some friendly, casual glance. It was the same deep gaze he had watched me with several times before. The kind of look that made me forget about everything else and think only about him.

“Is something wrong?” I asked, as if I didn’t know the answer.

His eyes were piercing through my skin by now. Suddenly, it was not inside my head anymore, it wasn’t just some fantasy I can enjoy, but it was real and it was happening and it was happening right now…the fear and the excitement were both trying to get me to do things, and I couldn’t decide which side to pick. Without warning, I felt him coming closer, his hands touching my arm, and just when I know he was about to kiss me my instincts make me back off.

“I can’t,” I said lamely and my legs were shaking, the tremors felt like they might be reaching my entire body if I didn’t get out of the limo.

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Thorne said. “But I was under the impression that you liked me.”

How could I tell him he doesn’t even know what he’s talking about! How could I explain how much I really wanted him! How I have been thinking about him!

“I do like you,” I said. “I just…I don’t think…”

“If you need more time, I understand. Or if you’re not completely over Nick—”

“That’s not it Thorne,” I said, a little annoyed that he thinks that. “I’m over him.”

At this he went quiet. He didn’t say anything but there was anger in his gaze. We said nothing throughout the ride. I couldn’t wait to get out. When finally the apartment building arrived we went our separate ways. I started crying my heart out the minute he was gone.

What was wrong with me?

This was supposed to be a good thing.

He was a nice guy!

Every guy is nice when you’re starting out. Nick was nice too,
my brain argued.

I didn’t like my brain very much that moment but it was making a whole lot of sense, I had to agree.

I was scared.

I worked with this guy. Hell, I work
for
this guy. This wasn’t something I was supposed to do. I didn’t like the pressure. I just wanted something that was easier, something that didn’t require me thinking about the pros and cons all the time.

Yes, that was probably why I couldn’t go through with it. But another part of me can’t forget the heat that I felt inside that closed limo. Or the way it felt being close to Thorne inside his home and outside just hanging out that day. The way it felt just to be with him. The things we talked about, usual, trivial stuff normal people talk about but it all felt important somehow. Like every word, every gesture was a world on its own.

It was the closest I had come to actually liking someone, the closest I had come to opening myself up to someone in years. I thought that part of me was over, that every relationship I would be in after that debacle that is my love life, I would be more careful about throwing my heart out there. But I couldn’t help that she made me feel this way, or that I kept picturing us having some kind of a future together. But things weren’t going to just happen because I pictured them to be a certain way, that wasn’t how life worked. I should have known she wasn’t ready to do this with me. Now I’d led myself into an awkward situation with someone I worked with and I didn’t even know how I was going to remedy that. I think I should stop thinking about her, stop getting excited every time she takes my name or comes close to me. I need to resist the urge to kiss her and make her want me even more.

I need to stop.

After that episode, we didn’t run into each other for a while.

And I know that wasn’t a coincidence.

I tried to ignore Thorne and he had successfully been doing the same. But of course you can’t really ignore someone you are working with. I didn’t know what to do anymore. The one or two times I saw him now it was always awkward, always tense, always just incredibly odd and I was getting sick and tired of trying to keep up the act. I didn’t think I could do it any longer. But I still had time left in my employment and I didn’t want to mess it up because of a mistake. I’d already invested a lot of time into this and I didn’t want to be the person who kept giving up on things because she hit some glitch.

One day, I got the chance to make the awkwardness go away. Thorne was in his office and everyone else had already left. The only reason I stuck around was because I wanted to talk to him. I even had to make up some excuse in front of Alex and Tristan, because they were definitely the nosy ones of the whole group. Once I was certain everyone had left and I could see that Thorne had no intentions of going home either, I gathered my courage. I tried not to think about my already quaking knees so much, and I entered his office.

“Elena,” he said, looking up from his work. “Is everything okay?”

The concern on his face was real, not just something you do for someone you’ve had an embarrassing encounter with.

“Yes, everything’s fine,” I said, closing the door behind me. “I just needed to talk to you.”

Thorne got up and for a minute I felt like maybe he was coming towards me, but then he walked towards the credenza where he kept his liquor and poured bourbon into two glasses. He brought me one, and instead of handing me the glass and leaving, he stood there, looking at me, drinking.

“What’s on your mind?” The question was a challenge. As though he was aware of the effect he had on me and wanted to rub it in my face.

With him this up close, I could barely speak. My throat was unable to produce words without a tremor but I managed. “Is there something we can do to get rid of the awkwardness between us?” I asked. “I mean, we’re grownups. There’s no need to get petty over something like that.”

His eyes were searing, burning through me. I could smell his skin from this distance and it was driving me insane. He walked a few steps towards me, covering what little distance there was between us. “I’m sure we can think of something,” he said, and of course that line meant more than it gave away.

“Look,” I said, more forcefully this time. “I can’t have a fling with you.”

He looked at me strangely. “Who said anything about a fling?” he said. “You think I’m looking for a one-night-stand? You don’t think I can get all the sex I want without having to make all this effort?”

“Then what? What do you want?”

He placed the drink glass he was holding back on the table, and then he took hold of the glass in my hand and did the same. The way he did it, I didn’t have time to complain. He had an odd way of taking control sometimes. “I want you to get to know me,” he said. “I want us to be together. I want so much more. I don’t know how to explain it. The first time I saw you, I just didn’t want to see you go. And it’s the same every time I see you. I get this…feeling…inside…and I can’t help it.”

This wasn’t how the conversation was supposed to go! Why is he making this so hard?

“I can’t,” I said, and I wasn’t even sure what I was saying.

“Now you’re just trying to make me mad,” he said and then I saw a different kind of flicker in his eyes.

“Thorne,” I said, trying not to make him any more furious than he already is. “I don’t know how to explain it to you. But I can’t do this! I barely managed to walk out of a bad relationship. I don’t want to go tumbling into another one just yet.”

He paused and took off his suit jacket. Why was he doing that? He never does that! Maybe it was hot? The shirt went over the shape of his contoured body and my eyes traveled uninvited to the minimum amount of skin showing from where he had just loosened his tie.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

I was barely even aware of the question he just asked me. All I could see was the way the belt was going around his waist, how it was keeping that shirt inside his pants, how the fabric of his slacks sat over his hips. I was having trouble keeping my eyes above his waist. But when I looked up, I was left staring into those eyes and that’s even
worse
. It was almost as though he had come closer to me without my having noticed.

“What?” I spluttered.

He smiled that big, gorgeous smile. That cockiness was what made him look so incredibly attractive, but it was also what made me mad at times. I was torn between those two women who live inside me; one that wanted to tear his shirt off, because she wanted to see what his skin felt like, and the other who wanted me to get a hold of myself and walk out while she still had a chance.

“I asked you if you’re sure you don’t want to be with someone right now?” he said in that low whisper and I could do nothing but stare. We were touching, our hands and our bodies and I was still unable to resist his imposing, blue eyes with just a hint of steely gray in them. From that up close they were infinite, deep and full of sad stories he hadn’t told me but that I knew lurked nearby. He pulled me in closer and his lips were over mine, searching my mouth and I forgot for that moment that anything in life existed, that anything was even possible besides this. When we finally kissed he tasted better than I ever thought he would, better than I imagined. His lips were warm and soft but they were also demanding, and when he brought his tongue into the matter, I could do nothing but respond, and we stayed like this, just kissing each other. I really didn’t want to let go. Even though I knew that was the smart thing to do. But everything about this felt so fucking right, I just couldn’t bring myself to end it. Finally, he ended the kiss but his fingers were going over my face.

“Still can’t think of anyone you can be with?” he asked in that hoarse-whisper voice. “Cause I can think of at least
one
person who would be perfect for you.”

“Thorne…” I tried to get away, to get back to reality but he held me there.

“Don’t please,” he said. “Don’t pretend you don’t like this, that you don’t want me just as much as I do. Why can’t you let yourself go, like you did just a second ago?”

I looked at him again. I should have been getting away. But my feet were planted into the floor and I couldn’t seem to move. It was more than his hold, my body refused to do my bidding. It was insane.

“I work for you,” I said, finally coming up with an excuse.

“Come on Elena,” he said. “Don’t ruin something good because you have issues with breaking the rules.”

When I said nothing, he switched his sensual act down a notch and I heard the conversational tone of the same friendly guy who saved me from an embarrassing drunk situation at a bar, and took me home and talked about my ex. Who let me purge all that negativity out of my system and didn’t so much as touch me with an ulterior motive while I was in that phase.

“What can I do to change your mind?” Thorne asked. “Because I can’t stop being Thorne Ryker, you know? I know there’s a baggage that comes with that name but can’t you let that slide? Are you seriously telling me you felt nothing for me in all this time?”

The bastard was right.

It was his name and who he was that was biggest concern.

“One date, Elena. That’s all I am asking. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll stop pestering you.”

The idea of going out on a date with him was something out of a fairytale. Not because he was who he was, but because I had seen a side of him other people hadn’t and I wanted to know if I was right.

“One date,” I said.

“Really?”

“But we start small, okay?”

“How small?”

“Dinner-and-a-movie small.”

“Can we go now?”

“Tomorrow night,” I said, almost laughing. “I promised Penny I’d help her with something tonight.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said. “Tomorrow then. Get ready to be swept off your feet.”