Losing Control (17 page)

“I’m always up for it,” he said.

I tried to smile. “Lead the way,” I said.

I turned to look at the floor and I realized I was more drunk than I cared to admit. Someone grabbed my arm to stop me. “Elena,” I heard Thorne growling. “Stop this!”

I yanked my arm away from his grip. “You think you’re hot, don’t you? Well I’m going to show you what it feels like to be so full of yourself. I’m going to stand in the middle of the floor and the eyes of every sad pathetic loser in here will be on me! How’s that for boring?”

“Elena…” he tried to get a hold of me but I was quick at slipping away.

This time, when I turned, I didn’t look back.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the middle of the same stage, the burning glow of lights directed on me and there was the same guy standing there, and he was asking me what implement I would like him to use. That’s when I realized I was making a mistake. Maybe Thorne was right and he wasn’t here because he was sleeping around. I just had trouble believing anything since Nick broke my trust so badly, but was that me now? Paranoid and untrusting? Was I going to push everyone away because one guy had wronged me?

“Well?” the cute guy asked. “Have you decided or what?”

I looked at him and he was good looking, attractive in every way, muscled physique and everything. But I didn’t want him.

The only guy I still really wanted, even right now was that stupid jerk standing there in the corner who I just caught with some dumb bitch with a wig, and I had to teach him a lesson. I had to show him, that if he tried to pull this kind of shit or called me boring, there would be consequences. You couldn’t just tell someone you were bad in bed and get away with it! He needed to see I was desirable. This guy standing in front of me was proof of that.
But you called him a liar
.
And a cheat
.

You know he didn’t mean it. You know no one can fake the chemistry you had in bed with him. He just said that because he was hurt. And angry. Just like you.

Perhaps this was right.

This club, these crude, horny men, who just wanted to fuck. They were all looking at me and I was getting all kinds of glares, stares and then people started yelling and they were urging me on now because I was taking a lot of time thinking. Maybe this was what men were capable of, maybe they didn’t really want relationships and they messed up when they had one. For a minute, I wanted to just be that person who would enjoy a set up like this one. But I know that even if I did it as part of a drunken mistake, it wouldn’t last for me. The shouts were getting louder and the audience demanded a performance. The host, dressed in leather bare essentials, came towards me and because he knew I might be in need of help, he brought me a drink. I almost took it from his hand when I felt Thorne’s fingers on my arm again. He was standing right there, under the light on the floor with me.

“Are you done?” he asked. The anger hadn’t left his face. “Or are you going to see this through?”

I looked around at the audience. Taking my pants off may have seemed like a good idea at the time but now it just seemed stupid. Suddenly, I was thankful for Thorne. I wasn’t sure what I would have ended up doing if it wasn’t for him. But still, I was angry.

“You don’t understand the concept of backing off do you?” someone said and I realized it was me. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I on some kind of auto pilot? I had to stop, accept the fact that I needed help.
His
help.

Thorne was watching me with something that was a mix of anger, frustration, and love. “Please,” he said. “You made your point. Let’s just get off the floor and talk. If you still feel like you want to take your clothes off in front of these people, then I won’t stop you. I’m just here to make sure that’s what you really want.”

The host was getting annoyed by now and asking me if this was going to happen because other people were in line, waiting. I didn’t think I wanted to keep them waiting any more. I broke away from Thorne’s grip and stormed off the floor this time, kept walking, again, till I was outside, away from that world. I didn’t care that the crowd was not pleased and I didn’t care that I made a fool of myself again. Tears came to my eyes and I didn’t stop them. I could hear Thorne walking up to me.

“What the hell was that Elena?” he said.

“What? Not bold and dangerous enough for you?”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean any of that. I was just hurt.”

“Hurt?”

“You called me a liar, Elena! You said I was a pervert! When I hadn’t done anything. Cyndi is my friend. Everyone in the club can confirm that for you. I didn’t lie to you and I had no intention of cheating on you.”

I looked into his eyes and I knew he meant it. But what I didn’t know is if people are actually capable of being truthful. “Why didn’t you tell me about the club?” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

“Elena,” he said. “We’ve barely been going out for a month. I didn’t want to freak you out. That’s why I didn’t tell you about the club. And Cyndi, she just never came up.”

“You told me what you were into,” I said. “You could have told me this!”

“Tell me honestly,” Thorne said. “What was your first impression when you saw that scene? You were shocked, and you didn’t like it one bit. You were totally out of your element. You didn’t know what you were supposed to do.”

“I won’t deny that,” I said. “So yes I was shocked for like five damn minutes Thorne! And that’s only because this whole thing was unexpected. But I got over it!” I said. “And then there was a point where I wanted that to be us.”

Wow. That just flew right off my tongue, didn’t it? Thorne was just staring at me and looking more surprised than I felt.

“You wanted that to be us?” he said, and his eyes were full of some strange emotion I didn’t quite understand. It was more than love, a lot more than just plain lust. “Elena, you don’t have to say something like that just to prove something to me.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do here.”

He looked like he didn’t believe it for a second and then he inched closer to me. “Elena,” he said. “People don’t just wake up one day and realize they’re into bondage!”

I must have been blushing. Even the alcohol inside my system can’t stop that from happening. I was giving away a secret but only because I wanted to make sure he didn’t get the wrong impression. I wanted to make sure he realized that I wasn’t going to judge him for having certain tastes, even if they were new to me. I wanted him to be comfortable with me, just as I always felt comfortable with him.

“I don’t like admitting this, but it’s true,” I said. “It’s not the first time I’ve fantasized about something like this. But I just…I don’t know, for me it can never be something that I do with a complete stranger. For me, this has to be something…”

“Intimate,” he finished for me.

He pulled me in closer and kissed my forehead. It was such a sweet gesture most of my anger curiously subsided. Then he tilted my head up and found some leftover tears on my cheeks that he promptly wiped away with his fingers. His touched was so warm, so loving and so special I couldn’t help but look into his eyes again. “I don’t know what I want,” I said at last. “I am having some mixed feelings here.”

“Listen, I don’t expect you to just become level ten BDSM expert right this moment! There’s nothing to freak out about. We can start small.”

“How small?”

“Dinner and a bondage-club date small.”

Somehow, I couldn’t help but smile.

“We won’t do anything,” he said. “We’ll just watch. I’d never do anything to hurt you and I’d never do anything that you’re not comfortable with. You know that, right?”

I nodded.

“And these actions they’re just actions,” he said. “There are no rules here. We have to figure out whatever we’re comfortable with and work with that. I have no problems if there are certain limits you’d rather not cross. I enjoy the domination part, not the sadistic one so much. Knowing that you’re mine, that you’re devoted to me, that’s what matters most. Not the actual acts we do or don’t do.”

I didn’t know how to respond. Thorne’s hand reached mine. “I want you Elena,” he said. “I want you like I have never wanted anyone in my life. And I won’t stop until you want me the same way.”

I couldn’t help that his words made a lot of sense. “Do you have to go back in there?” I asked.

“Cyndi’s father died recently,” Thorne explained. “She needed money. I was the only person she could ask. She’s never asked me for help before. I couldn’t refuse. But if you have a problem with me going in there—”

“No,” I blurted out. “No! You should go. It’s fine. Really.”

“You’re sure?”

“Of course.”

Thorne cupped my face with his hand. “Tell me what you’re thinking, Elena.”

“I don’t know, I just feel…strange.”

“Elena,” he said, a grave seriousness in his voice. “Do you want to be with me?”

I looked up at his face, and I knew the answer to that. “Yes.”

“Then I guess you’ve made a choice, haven’t you?”

“This feels more like a compulsion, than something I’m choosing.”

“That’s love Elena,” he said.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit soon to use that word?”

“Maybe it is. But it doesn’t change the way I feel.”

“What if you’re some axe murderer and I don’t even know it!”

Thorne grinned. “You do realize there’s no basement in the loft?”

“So, what I should go out with you because you don’t have a headless body hanging in your basement?”

He took my hand to his lips and kissed it. “You should go out with me because you are just as fucking hooked to me as I am to you.”

“Is everything okay, Elena?” Penny said and jolted me out of my thoughts.

“Penny,” I said, wiping off the few remainder tears. “You’re here.”

“Do you want me to go back inside?” she asked.

“No,” I said, trying to smile. “No, we should head home now.”

“If you want to stay,” she said. “You should. I can go home and have wine on my own for one night.”

“Actually,” I said, walking over to her. “Thorne has to go. Right Thorne?”

“Right,” Thorne said.

“I’ll see you,” I said to Thorne.

He looked a little lost. “I’ll talk to Cyndi and then go back to work.”

“Okay,” I nodded and then Penny and I walked towards Travis’ car and Penny called Travis. While we were waiting for them to arrive, Penny started with her questioning. “So?” she said. “What was that all about?”

“She’s a friend,” I explained. “He was here to help her out.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I just am.”

“Do you want to find out more about him?” Penny asked. “I’m sure Travis can help.”

“No,” I said. “I’d rather find out on my own. Besides, I know he’s not hiding anything. He’s not Nick, I know that now. I think I just saw the two of them, and assumed the worst.”

“Anyone would have,” she said. “To be honest, I still don’t believe it.”

“But we have to.”

“If you say so.”

“We’re fine,” I said, more to myself than to her.

My phone rang.

It was Thorne so I picked it up.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hey.”

“Can I see you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, Thorne.”

“If you don’t then I’ll feel like you haven’t gotten over this,” he said.

“That’s not true.”

“Then prove it,” Thorne said. “I’ll come pick you up and we’ll do the breakfast ritual Lane has been avoiding for the past couple of weeks.”

“That’s because of us,” I said. “I think he’s trying not to waste our time or something.”

“So can I pick you up from Penny’s place?”

“Sure.”

“Great.”

“Yeah.”

“Elena?”

“Yes?”

“You looked hot,” he said. “So hot I wanted to rip those clothes right off you.”

I couldn’t help grinning despite myself. “I’ll try to take that as a compliment.”

“The next time I see you,” he said. “Those clothes won’t be there.”

“We’ll see about that,” I said and pushed the end button.

“What are you grinning about?” Penny asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “Just nothing.”

It wasn’t hard finding Cyndi’s room once I was inside the club again. I had just gotten done with talking to Elena on my phone and it seemed like she was feeling better. After a good night’s rest she would feel even better and the whole thing wouldn’t look so bad to her.

I knocked.

Cyndi’s voice from inside said “It’s open.”

So I entered and closed the door behind me. She was sitting on one side of the bed, still wearing that silly blonde wig. “Everything okay?” she asked.

I loosened my tie and sat on the bed, facing her. “She’s going home,” I said.

“I didn’t know she would be here,” Cyndi said. “Was she here looking for you?”

“Some friends brought her here. I think it was just a coincidence.”

“Well it was a terrible coincidence,” she said. “I thought for sure she was going to recognize me.”

“She didn’t,” I said. “I doubt she even got a proper look at your face.”

“That’s good. For now.”

“Cyndi,” I said. “I might bring her here next weekend.”

“Why’re you telling me this?”

“Well,” I said. “I don’t want her to see you.”

“Thorne,” she said. “Don’t worry about it. If you bring her just send me a text. I’ll get scarce.”

“Thanks.”

“So, you’re bringing her here?”

“I think so,” I said. “I mean, if she agrees to it.”

Cyndi nodded. “You’re really serious about this one.”

“I guess.”

“I’m happy for you.”

I looked at her. There was no resentment on her face, no mixed feelings. She was being genuine. I know how hard that must have been for her but she was still trying to be strong. I reached into my jacket pocket for an envelope that I handed to her. “Here,” I said. “It’s all in here.”

She took it from me. “I’ll pay you back.”

I stood. “Don’t insult me or this friendship by saying something like that,” I said. “I just wish I had met you sooner. You never told me how bad it was. I thought you wanted to see me for some other reason.”

“What? To fuck you one last time?” She said this with a seductive lilt in her voice.

I smiled. “Something like that.”

“Well it’s still early,” she said, getting on her knees. “We can fuck and no one has to know.”

I stood there for a second, looking at that face that I used to feel comfortable with once. I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Then broke away. “Goodnight, Cyn.”

She had tears in her eyes.

But there was nothing I could do about that.

So I did the next best thing and started to leave. “I’m sorry about your dad,” I said when I was holding the door open. She smiled, and I knew that it was fake.

There was nothing I could do about that either.