Lost (45 page)

  I remembered him.  I saw him once when I first moved in almost 2 years earlier.  I saw him, and I knew.
  Leaning against the wall was the creepy, dirty homeless man I remembered from my first walk through the village.  The homeless man who was moaning against the wall.  The man who was so out of place in the village I merely passed by quickly.  But there he was again, the homeless man I knew.
  Staring, I could only breathe.  There was no movement nor thought.  There was nothing in that single moment but horror.
  Gasping, I finally opened my mouth and whispered, “Peter?” But the man didn't look up or acknowledge me in any way.  There was nothing to him that I could see.
  Finding the strength to finally move my legs took me to him.  Moving, my knees allowed me to collapse in front of him on the sidewalk.  Moving, I joined him in hell.
  “Peter?” I whispered as he looked in my direction.
  With a blank stare and the darkest eyes I'd ever seen, Peter looked right through me as if I was nothing more than air.  He looked through me, past the street and buildings, into another world entirely.  He looked beyond me, and my heart broke a thousand times over.
  “Peter, what's wrong?  Oh, god, Peter... What happened to you?” I cried as I tried to touch his hand.  But jerking, Peter pushed further into the wall, and looked around frantically. 
  He looked like he was waiting to be hurt.  He looked like he was looking for something.  He looked like he was looking for someone.  And then it hit me.
  Whispering, I leaned in closer and asked the only question I could think of.  “Are you working undercover right now?” And he nodded.  The slightest of movements, almost unseen by anyone else but me in front of his face, he nodded.  “Should I leave?” I asked quietly. 
  Looking around again, Peter seemed to fully understand where he was, and what was happening.  He seemed to shake himself back to the world around us.
  “Baby... Take me home,” he wept suddenly, killing me when I heard his voice.
  Looking at Peter, I was so confused and scared my heart pounded in my chest as tears filled my eyes.  He looked so distressed I couldn't breathe.  He looked so sad, but if he was working...
  “I don't know where to take you,” I whispered again on the sidewalk as he slowly pushed into me while I helped him slowly stand.
  Collapsing on my shoulders, I struggled to hold his weight.  I struggled, but I would struggle forever to help him.  The strength needed to hold him up against my little frame came to me as the desperation to help him filled my body with the power needed to carry him away.
  “Please, help me,” he moaned as I tightened my grip around his waist and chest. “They’re coming back for me so we have to hurry,” he continued whispering as we walked forward down the street.
  Passing Pandora's, we turned right on Elm Street and continued at our slow, sloppy-looking pace.  We struggled and staggered, looking horribly drunk I'm sure, but I didn't care.  I just held Peter up with as much strength as I had while we walked further down Elm.
  We walked in silence as Peter moaned and I grunted from his weight on my shoulders.  We walked in silence blocks and blocks down Elm, stopping occasionally for Peter to look around.  We stopped when Peter felt the need to bend and fake tying his shoe as a car passed, and we stopped when Peter turned us into hedges along Elm so we could hide as a car passed. 

  Eventually, we turned down another street further from where we began.  We continued walking endless blocks until Peter finally turned us down an old alley between Ash and Cedar Street. 
  We walked silently until he pushed through an old chain gate beside a garage numbered 26 that backed onto the alley around us. 
  Looking around to see every angle he could in the near darkness, Peter hunched down again and fought all his clothes to pull a key from inside a deep low pocket in one of the jackets he wore.  Wiping the sweat from his head, he blew out his hair from his face, turned back to me and took my hand as he made a sprint for the side of the huge garage in silence.
  Without being told, I knew Peter needed me to move quietly, and I knew I had to calm my pounding heart, and the breath rushing from my lungs.  I knew I needed to be silent as Peter and I tiptoed around the large garage behind a huge backyard, backing onto an alley on Cedar.
  Struggling with the lock, Peter finally released a latch, and unlocked a door hidden on the side of the garage between the neighbor’s fence and the building itself.  With only a foot in between, I waited, holding my breath as Peter finally pushed open the side garage door and pulled me inside to a dead stop in total darkness.  Pitch black was all I could decipher in that moment with Peter.
  “Don't move and stay right against this wall, Sophie.  I need to check out the loft,” Peter said as I nodded to no one.
  I heard Peter move at that point.  I heard almost silence, but for a creaky floor, or a quietly moved object, presumably furniture as he left me in my darkness and confusion.
  I heard Peter walk near, and then away again.  I heard his breathing and I heard what I though was the soft rustle of fabric, or clothing.  I didn't know what I heard exactly but my senses were definitely heightened by my lack of sight, while I tried to figure out what to do.   
  Inhaling deeply, I smelled a mixture of scents, some known and some unknown.  Dust tickled my nose, and the smell of paint reminded me of my dad's old shed.  The garage smelled clean
and
dirty, like it had been cleaned but then time had dirtied or dusted it up again.
  Moving my hands behind my back I felt the cool walls, and I was actually surprised they felt like cool drywall when outside the large garage had been made by cinder blocks.  I stood silently while Peter walked above and around me, I could hear.

  “Stay against me,” Peter suddenly said in my ear as I gasped.  I hadn't even heard him or felt his presence walking to me.  I didn't realize he was against me until he was.  Scared, I reached out my hands and held a piece of his jacket while my heart pounded from the quick fear.
  Holding my coat against his back, as I wrapped my arms awkwardly around his stomach, Peter and I walked slowly and quietly steps away from the door we entered.  I walked awkwardly behind him, with my feet almost marching on the outside of his so I could stay pressed against him until he whispered, ‘stairs’, and then I felt his body shift higher, as my toes hit the bottom step in darkness.
  Climbing behind him, I focused only on my footing.  I didn't know if there was a railing, and I couldn't see even Peter in front of me.  My eyes hadn't adjusted and there was still nothing but pitch black around me, but eventually he stopped.
  Turning me to lean against a wall again, I was so disoriented I felt almost nauseous.  I had never moved up and around in so much darkness before in my life, and I felt sickened by it. 

  Actually, as I leaned against a wall, I realized I couldn't remember a time in my life where I was in only black without even the slightest of moonlit light, or the faded light from a clock or even a button on the TV lit up.  And then my confused thoughts wondered if anyone with sight had ever truly stood in darkness before.  Crazily, I thought of people who suffered blindness, and I felt a whole new respect and sympathy for them when I realized darkness really was an affliction to suffer in a world of light.
  Quite suddenly the atmosphere changed around me though.  Almost unperceptively, the world around me offered the slightest of light as Peter stood before me with a tiny battery operated tealight lit in the palm of his hand casting a slight orange-yellow glow to light him from the darkness. 
  “Where are we?” I whispered, nearly unheard.
  “Come here,” he said tugging me over to the opposite side of the room without answering me.  Tugging me, I tried to see, but with the small light in front of him, the view behind and around me was quickly swallowed up by the darkness again.  I couldn't see beyond a foot around me.  I couldn't see the shape of the room, or even the stairs we had just climbed.  All I saw was the dark shape of Peter in front of me.
  Groaning, Peter sat hard on a bed, pulling me down beside him.  I couldn't see much of anything specific, just a kind of chaotic mess around us.  There was stuff everywhere piled on or near more piles of stuff.  Every surface, from the floor to the bed we sat on was just stuff that made no sense.
  Looking around me, only maybe 2 feet beyond the light I was surprised by the chaos I saw.  The place where we sat was disgusting, and I was shocked Peter would know the place or even stay there.  Peter was like me, and he had always cleaned and tidied up after us in my home.  He understood my need for order and cleanliness, so to see the madness around us was a little shocking.  There was nothing there that reminded me of the Peter I knew in my home.
  “You're staying here?” I whispered surprised.
  “Not really,” he said turning to me.
  “Can we turn on a light?”
  “No.  Every window is covered and the foundation cracks have been sealed, but I still can't risk any light being seen outside.  I don't know who saw me, and I don't know if we were followed.”
  Gasping, I was totally afraid in that moment.  All the confusion of our walk, and the stillness of the dark faded as I felt the first real, true, feelings of fear for my safety.
  “Who would've saw us, Peter?  Who are you hiding from?” I asked still whispering but with definite panic in my voice.
  “I think we're okay, baby.  I was careful, and I'm sure we weren't followed,” he said taking my hand. “But I don't want to turn any lights on, just in case.  I can't risk you being here,” he again said as he raised my hand to his lips and kissed it.  “We're okay for now...” he breathed like he was trying to convince me of something I didn't understand.
  Looking around, as best as I could see with only the tiny light guiding my vision, I asked again, “What is this place?  I mean I know you don't live here because there wasn't a greenhouse in the yard, but I don't understand what this is.”
  “Ummm...” Peter looked at me a little suspiciously or something.  There was a look, like he wasn't sure if I could be trusted, or like he didn't want to trust me.  I didn't know what the look was exactly, but I did know I felt hurt and offended by it.
  “Peter.  I would never betray you.  Ever.  So why are you looking at me-”
  “I'm not.  It's not you, Sophie.  I know I can trust you.  I was thinking more about your safety and whether I should tell you what's going on, and what I'm doing.” He exhaled while shaking his head slightly. “This is my little safe house.  No one knows about it and I only come here when I need to lay low quickly.  I never bring anyone here,” he mumbled.
  Peter looked almost frustrated, which was also offensive since it was him who asked me for help.  It was him who needed me to help him walk for the miles and blocks we covered.
  “What's wrong with you?”
  “Nothing,” he barked at me.
  “I mean with your walking.  You needed my help, and you were struggling when I found you.”
  “Oh.  Sorry.  My leg is a little banged up, so putting weight on it is excruciating,” he moaned again into the silence around us.
  “Can I help you?  Can I see it?”
  “I probably should clean it out.  Stay here, Sophie.  Right here.  I'm going to go to the bathroom for a minute,” Peter said rising. 
  As he left me alone, I thought where could I possibly go?  He was walking away with the only light in the room, and I was bathed in darkness within seconds.  I wouldn't even know how to leave other than crawling my way the direction we came from the stairs.  And then nothing.  I knew I couldn't leave that place even if I tried.
  Waiting, I sat in total darkness listening to Peter however far from me.  I heard the sound of water and a slight movement beyond me, but otherwise even outside noise was silent.  We weren't in a place near any main roads, but even at the back of the property against an alley, somehow I still expected to hear some sound.  I expected something, but all I heard was darkness.
  I remember thinking, this was not how I ever envisioned seeing Peter again.  This was not-
  “I can smell you,” Peter suddenly whispered jolting me from my thoughts.  “I miss you every single day, and I want you every minute of every day.  I miss you so much, Sophie,” Peter cried.
  “Where are you?” I asked desperately.
  “Find me,” he begged. 
  Rising from the bed, I immediately walked to where his voice had come from.  Walking slowly and nervously, I stepped into piles and knocked over stuff with my shin.  I walked to where I thought he was, until he pulled me to him on a gasp.  And then he kissed me.
  Kissing me, Peter moaned into my mouth, and pushed me backward again.  He pushed me backward, even as I stumbled and recovered against his lips and arms holding me to him.  He kissed me through the darkness as he pushed me back to the bed, and then he landed on me.
  Crushing me beneath him, he took my lips harder.  Tugging at my jacket, and scratching my skin with his nails, he tore my clothing from me between desperate kisses.  He pulled at me until I was scared
and
aroused.
   “I need you, Sophie.  I need you to remind me about the good, so I know I can keep doing this.  I need to love you again,” he cried until I realized in the sudden stillness, he
was
actually crying. 

  Peter was crying on top of me, trying to remove my clothing so he could be with me like he needed, and that was when I realized he was already naked.
  Knowing another absolute, I kissed him softly, and said, “Let me help you,” as he moaned when I tugged at my own clothing to remove it.  Twisting under him, he sat up on his knees while I tossed my jacket, and removed my sweater and bra.  Waiting in the darkness above me, Peter finally went for my jean zipper and tugged it, pulling my jeans with him, and then he paused.
  Inhaling my scent deeply, I moaned at the intimacy I once knew.