Lost (46 page)

  Peter then took me like he was dying without me, and I let him.   After Peter removed my underwear and inhaled my scent deeply, he moved over me and thrust into me deeply.  He didn't prepare me, or wait like he always had before.  Peter took what he needed and I gave it without speaking and without question to heal him.
 

  “Sophie, you feel the same.  I remember every single day how you felt around me, and you feel exactly the same.  Oh,
god…
I can’t keep doing this.  It’s just so hard to stay away from you all the time.”

  “Then don’t,” I begged.

  Pausing for a moment, Peter held my face for a lifetime and breathed the words I hated.  “I’m so sorry.  But I have to.”

  With my soul screaming and my heart ripped from my cheat, I nodded my understanding.  But I didn’t understand.  I didn’t understand anything, and I didn’t want to.  I just couldn’t accept us like this, versus the Peter and Sophie who had to be apart. 

  I didn’t accept it, and I’d never understand it.
  Crying silently, the tears spilled from my eyes, but I was able to hold in the sounds of my sadness. The tears poured down my temples onto the bed and my heart ached from the pain of his absence from my life.
  Peter was lost and I could feel the distance so heavily between us, I could barely contain my shaking body.

  I knew the heartbreak I was suffering in that moment was less still than the heartbreak without him, so I gave in and opened my body for his use.
  I didn't speak and I didn't react to Peter inside me.  I remembered the only other time Peter screwed me, the time against my door when he was destroyed by his grief for his dying uncle.  I remember when he took me so suddenly, I gave freely because I knew he needed me.  I knew then that I was the physical solace he needed from the emotional pain he was suffering.  I knew, so I smiled and let him take his comfort from me.
  I also knew this time was no different.  There would be apologies, and promises for more later.  There would be words of love and declarations of adoration between us.  So I gave freely what he needed to take from me, because Peter wasn't suffering inside me, but he did suffer.

  Whatever he was involved with had changed him and I was the only thing he could take into him to ease his burden.  I was all he needed, and so I gave it to him again.
  Once I understood what he was doing, I cried out in his reality, and wrapped my legs tightly around his back.  I held onto his shoulders with my arms, and I pulled him heavier to me.  I opened up my body and I let him take me as he needed, until minutes later he was done.
 

CHAPTER 37

  With a deep groan, Peter came in me and dropped heavily on my body.  He dropped on me as my breath left my lungs.  He dropped on me and the desperation I felt was so consuming, I finally released the sobs from my chest.
  A few minutes after he was complete, Peter pushed some stuff onto the floor with his arm, then collapsed next to me.  Pulling me to him, he spooned me as he always did.  Peter held me exactly the same as he used to in the night.  That moment in his arms was exactly the same as countless we had shared before he left me, so I pretended
we
were the same together as we were before he left me.
  I pretended Peter was the same, and slowly everything felt better inside me.  My heart hurt less and my body shook less.  I didn't quite feel the same sense of dread I had when I found Peter, and I could actually breathe a little easier in his arms.
  Waiting for something, Peter finally spoke in our darkness.  “I just need to rest for a few minutes with you in my arms, Sophie.  I need to.  I have to hold you again while I rest before I go back out there.  I'm afraid this is our only chance.  Okay?”
  And choking, I asked all I could. “Why is this our last chance Peter?  Please tell me.”
  “I think my partner betrayed me, and I think I'm in a lot of danger.  I know others are after me, so I have to hide out for a few hours and gather my strength.”
  “But why are people after you?  Why are you scared?  Please tell me what's going on.  Please, Peter.  I've waited for so long to understand, and I'm dying without you, and it's killing me to not know what's happening.  Please...” I begged, because that's all I could do.
  “It's safer if I don't tell you details.  But I will say I've been working a job for almost 10 months, and we're almost finished, and we've almost got everyone we were looking for, but something changed tonight.  I was roughed up in an alley too close to my home, and I think it was a message.  I think I'm in trouble this time, and when I saw you I just couldn't stop myself from seeing you one more time.  I needed to be with you just one more time, in case-”
  Shaking, I cried, “Oh, god...  I don't know what any of this means.  The last time because you're leaving me again?  Or the last time because you're going to,” but then I paused.  Could I really ask what I was thinking?  Could I actually say those words to the man I loved more than my own life?  Could I really be thinking about his end in a way that was so shocking and unimaginable to me?  Could I ask it?
  “Sophie, I adore every single piece of you.  I always have, and I always will.  I'm sorry I was unkind to you when I left, and I'm sorry I hurt you 10 minutes ago.  I knew what I was doing, but I didn't care because I just needed to feel you and touch you and be inside you again.  I needed to feel you around me.  But I'm sorry that that's the last memory you'll have of me.  I'm really very sorry for that.”
  “It's okay...” I smiled into the darkness.  And it was okay.  Peter took me without me, but he was sorry, so everything dark inside me faded away with his apology.
  “It's really not okay- I know that.  And if we had more time, I would make love to you like you deserve and I would love you like you should be loved.  But we don't have time, so all I can do is tell you that you are absolutely everything to me.  You are the strongest, most beautiful person I have ever known, and in case I don't have the chance to say it again- I love you,” he whispered as I cried softly.
  I knew what he was doing.  I knew he was saying goodbye again, because I knew he was leaving me again.  My brain spun with the realization that Peter was in trouble and he might not make it out safely.  I realized as crazy as that simple reality was, it was just that- Peter's reality.  He was involved deeply in something I couldn't understand, and would probably never really know.  So I needed him to know everything I could when I had the chance.
  “You need to listen to me Peter,” I said turning and climbing over his naked chest.  “I need you to come back, and I need you to finish whatever this job is.  I need you to be safe, and I want you to know I
will
wait,” but when he tried to interrupt me I continued over him. “I’m going to wait, because I know we have something once in a lifetime.  I know it, and so do you.  So when I leave tonight or tomorrow morning, or whenever I have to go, know I'll be waiting for you.”
  “But I don't know when I'll be free to see you-”
  “It doesn't matter.  You are my forever.  And just knowing that will give me the strength I need to wait for you.  But you have to promise to come back.  You have to promise you'll stay safe and finish this job.  You have to promise me you'll come back, just like I'll promise to wait.  Can you do that?  Can you promise me you'll come back to me?” I begged Peter with everything I had.  As my tears fell on his chest, and my body warmed with purpose, I begged him.
  He couldn't see my face, but he could hear my voice.  And I was never so sure of anything in my life.  I would wait forever for him.  I would wait forever for my forever with Peter.
  When I was suddenly pulled down to his face he kissed me hard.  He didn't kiss me like his usual sensual kiss of devotion, he kissed me like a pact, and like a promise.  He kissed me like the forever he wanted to be.
  “I'll come back, Sophie.  I promise.  I have to get in touch with my handler, then I'll know if my partner betrayed me.”
  “What's a handler?” I asked again confused by Peter's reality.
  “Nothing.  He's nothing you ever need to know about.  Just know I'll be back to love you again.  And you're right, I am your forever, Soph.  I always was.  I just couldn't stay when I wanted to, but I promise I'll be back,” he said again in a near whisper against my lips.
  After his words, I exhaled and dropped lower onto Peter, snuggling under his neck to just breathe him in.
  A random thought struck me though and I suddenly giggled, totally disrupting our beautiful moment of promises and confessions.  I giggled, even as Peter pinched my butt and asked, “What?”
  “Um... I was just thinking about all the people I called
too much CSI watching TV Fucktards,
and I feel the need to apologize to everyone.  I was pretty shocked by the people who thought you were an undercover cop.  I
am
pretty shocked that people are actually undercover cops.  It's just so weird, but kind of cool, I guess.  I definitely owe Margaret and Terry some apologies,” I giggled again. “But I guess I can't because that would be confirming it, right?”
  “Um, right.  Quite frankly, I may have to look into another line of work if I can't even hide my undercover status from 2 hippies in a health food store,” Peter laughed under me.
  And smiling against his chest, I whispered, “Please do...” as Peter hugged me a little tighter to his chest.
  “I love you, Sophie Morley.”
  “I love you, too, Peter
Connor
?”
  “Yes,” he laughed. “I really am Peter Connor, just not quite the Peter you knew.  But everything between us was real, and everything I was with you was really me, I promise.”
  “Okay.  Should we go?  Do you need to leave?  I don't want to keep you from doing something, or interfere in whatever you're doing.”
  “I'm okay for an hour or so.  But I want to get dressed before we lie with each other a little longer.  I want to hold you right now because I'm not sure when I'll be back to get you.  I'm not sure when I'll be in the clear.”
  So I nodded against him and embraced his hug as the only thing he could give me until he was free to give me everything.
   After Peter and I made our oath to be together once again, we dressed quickly, looking everywhere for our discarded clothes.  And once dressed, we snuggled in a beautiful silence wrapped around each other, until the whole world exploded around us in a barrage of light.
  Literally.

CHAPTER 38

 
Gasping at the sudden light around us, I was tossed backward by Peter as I slammed into the wall.  Screaming, I hit the wall until it knocked me silent.  Scrambling against the wall as Peter pushed harder into me, I was absolutely blinded by light and panic.
  I had never known such an intensity of fear in my life as I did in that moment.  I was sure we had been found and I was sure we were dead.
  Grabbing my leg and arm, Peter tossed me off the bed until scrambling to stand, he dragged my knees across the floor to a door in the corner.  Dragging me, I cried out when he pulled my hair and arm, as I crawled as quickly as I could to the door.  I scrambled, but ultimately I was dragged by Peter to the door and pushed inside.
  Gasping for breath, I was still struggling just to understand the events of only one minute before.  I couldn't understand how we went from laying together peacefully on a bed to me thrown and tossed about, injured and scared beyond anything I could even comprehend.
  When Peter suddenly pulled me up into his arms and closed the door behind us, I knew I was looking at Peter at his worst.  He was breathing hard and his eyes were darting all over the tiny washroom we ended up in.  There was only a little light that escaped the doorway into the room, but it was enough to see his face.  His hands shook as he held me and he didn't make eye contact with me even once.  Peter was a mess and as the seconds slowly passed, he finally looked at me, and I could see he was someone else.
  Peter was the ghostly version of himself from just hours before sitting on the sidewalk, swearing, and shaking, with eyes that no longer looked even blue.  His pupils were so blown they swallowed up all the blue I had once loved.
  “Don't say a word, Sophie,” he whispered in my ear as he held a hand over my mouth.  So nodding, I tried to show him I could be silent.  “You distracted me,” he said angrily as I shook in his grip.  “All my weapons are downstairs.  I fucking left them downstairs because I needed to be with you.  Fuck!  Okay... Don't fucking move, Sophie,” he growled as he released the hand from my mouth, and loosened the tight hold he had around my chest.
  Dropping me to the floor silently, Peter looked around frantically and I didn't dare speak.  I was so scared, I suddenly understood the feeling of lightheadedness associated with true, blind panic in that moment.  My mind was so wrapped up in what was going to happen, my body reacted on its own to what was actually happening.
  “We're fucked, Sophie,” he said softly as he kissed my forehead.
  And I remember in that moment thinking about the word fuck and how Peter had said it more in the last 45 seconds of our life together than he had for the months we were actually together.  I know it was illogical, but that's where my brain went in my confused desperation until he spoke again.
  “I'm not going to make it out of here,” he said simply as I gasped. “Oh, Sophie, I'm not.  I'm so sorry, baby.  But it doesn't matter.  I want you to be safe.  This is
my
job, so I'm ready to be taken, but I can't have you hurt.  Never again.  I want-”
  Begging, I whispered, “Peter, please?  We'll be fine.  We just have-”
  “Listen. To. Me.  I'm going downstairs to see who entered.  And then I'm going to cause a distraction.  I'm going to fight for as long and as hard as I can, and then I'm going to yell your name so-”
  “You can't-” but he spoke right over me again.
  “I'm going to yell your name and I want you to run past me.  Run as hard as you can.  Run through the alley down to Cedar and flag anyone at all.  Flag anything and get the fuck out of here.  Can you do that?”
  “No... I can't just run while you-”
  “Are you ready to die for me?  Are you, Sophie? Can you honestly say you're prepared to take a bullet in the head for me?  Because that's what's-” But then we both froze.
  A sound came right outside the little bathroom door, and my gasp was so loud, Peter jumped as he glared at me and covered my mouth quickly.  Holding me to him, Peter stared me silent again, as he slowly removed his hand.
  Mouthing, “I’m sorry, Sophie,” my heart shattered in my chest.  With another gasp I couldn't help, and a sob that tore from my chest, I was killing us quicker than I intended, but there was no helping it.  I was destroyed in that moment with Peter.
  Looking at Peter anxiously waiting with a hand on the bathroom door for whoever was coming, I was so numb to our end I felt lost.