Lost (9 page)

  After Peter exited the bathroom, he checked me out from head to toe then kissed my lips before I could use the washroom myself.  Smiling at him as he pulled away, I left him for my own teeth brushing and anti-sex pep talk before walking into my room and calling him to follow me as I stood against the wall. 

  Standing in my room as Peter joined me was awkward, I remember that.  It was awkward the moment Peter walked into my bedroom, looked around, then paused like he didn't know how to get into my bed.
  “Where do you usually sleep?” He spoke softly.
  “Right on this side, facing out, so I think I'll be able to see and prevent an intruder before he kills me,” I said laughing at myself.
  “Okay, then.  I'll be against the wall so you can get the intruder for me,” he replied pulling my comforter down and sliding into my bed against the far wall.
  Looking at Peter as he lay down, I was suddenly struck with almost a pain in my chest.  There was something about that moment with him, something so promising and hopeful, I found myself feeling emotional.  I couldn't explain it, and I actually hated the feeling in my chest.  But it was there anyway, nearly bringing me to tears.
  “Come here, Sophie,” Peter whispered on his side with his arms open, and I did.
  Sliding in next to him, I let him pull me into his arms while he spooned me warm.  Kissing my neck gently, Peter whispered in my ear, “What do you want, Sophie?”
  And before I could stop myself, I whispered back, “To be adored...”
 

  After my words, I was glad he didn't acknowledge what I said, and I was relieved he didn't throw out some meaningless words.  We were too new to feel that intensely for each other, but my statement hung in the air around us, even as Peter wrapped his arms tighter around me, resting against my back in silence.
  In our silence, I realized that was exactly what I wanted, and what I’d been missing in my life.  I had been loved and cared for, and I had created situations filled with love and acceptance.  I had people respect and love me since I could remember, even as a child.  But I had never felt adored.

  In our silence I realized that is what I had been looking for my whole life- the man who would adore me.  

CHAPTER 9

  When I woke up the next morning I was hot as hell.  Actually, I was nearly suffocating with Peter wrapped all over me.  His face was in my neck, and I was leaning on my side with one of his thighs under my back and the other leg thrown over me.  I had his arm wrapped around my chest and I was so uncomfortable and overheated, I almost panicked.
  Pushing Peter off me while trying to edge out from under his leg proved a challenge though.  For an average sized man he held me in almost a death grip.  Pushing again, I moved my head to look at his face and that's when I saw him smiling at me.
  “Jesus!  You're so friggin hot.  Would you mind getting off me,” I asked with a huff making Peter laugh at me as I continued to push at him. “If you ever sleep over again, remind me to open the window, even in the dead of winter, okay?”
  “Yup, I'll remind you when I sleep over again.  Even in a blizzard,” he again laughed at me and my distress.
  Sitting up, I remember having to wipe my brow of my matted down sweaty hair, while glaring at him. “
When
you sleep over again?”
  “Yup. 
When.
  So what do you want to do this morning?” He asked looking at the clock.
  “Well, I'm going to have a cold shower to lower my core body temperature to acceptable levels, then I think coffee to start.”
  “How about I rinse off quick then go get us coffee while you shower?  Sound good?”
  “That sounds excellent.  But would you mind getting me a French vanilla with a shot of chocolate?  I like to start my weekends off with a little chocolate,” I said grinning.
  “No problem.  Just give me a minute,” he replied while fighting his way out of the sheets and blankets he had nearly destroyed in the night. 
  Watching him walk out of my room to the bathroom, I was again taken by surprise by the complete comfort I felt with him in my home.  He was in my home which wasn't typically something I did, and I was okay with it.  Actually, the more I thought about it I realized I was usually the visitor in my relationships. 

  I had moved in with Derek and Joseph when they asked me to, and before we lived together I rarely had them sleep in my own place because I liked my space to remain mine.  Thinking about Peter made me suddenly realize I think I always believed it was easier to leave them when
I
could do the leaving, rather than forcing them to leave me when I left.
  After Peter's shower, he redressed in his cargo pants, awesome black sweater, and kissed me on the lips before leaving my room and heading out my front door for coffee, just before I jumped in the shower, shaved quickly and washed and conditioned my hair even quicker. 

  In the shower I found myself obsessing over all things Peter.  From the way he slept practically on top of me, to his complete ease and security of speech when we debated, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  I just couldn’t get over how amazing he seemed.

  Actually, I suddenly found myself wondering why he wasn't married already with 2 kids and a beautiful wife, which totally stressed me out.  So I decided in the shower I had enough insecurity regarding Peter at that moment and I'd let that one go.
  After my shower, when I practically ran for my bedroom in a towel to change, I dressed for comfort, but attractively.  I didn't know what our day was going to be like, but I liked the thought of spending it with Peter.
  Once dressed, with my hair dried I made my way to the living room and Peter.  Sitting on my couch with his feet hanging over the edge of my coffee table, he was sipping his coffee looking way too good in my home.
  “I'm never going to be able to hear this song again without thinking of you,” he absently breathed into the room.  So listening, I realized it was Green Eyes by Coldplay.
  “I really do have blue eyes, Peter.”
  “You really don't, Sophie.  Blue may be the dominant shade, but your eyes really do highlight as green, especially with all the amber within your irises.  I'm going to take a picture of your eyes and show you just how green they look in certain lighting.”
  “Okay,” I agreed sitting down beside him as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
  “I bought you your French vanilla with
2
shots of chocolate to really put you in a good mood,” he teased.
  “Thank you, but I'm in a pretty good mood without the chocolate,” I whispered.
  “Me too... I enjoy being with you.  I just wish you relaxed a little more with me.  You're so guarded sometimes, it's almost painful to watch,” he said as he kissed my head.
  “I...” But I faltered.
  “It's okay.  I'll show you I'm a good guy and then you can drop your guard a little.  I have to keep reminding myself that we've really only known each other for the last 6 days.  It's hard because I feel good when I'm with you, and I feel like I've known you for so long, our actual time together seems to surprise me.”
  “Me, too.  I was thinking earlier that I liked having you in my home.  Or more like I'm okay with it, and that's not usually the case.  I kind of like having my space and solitude in my own apart-”
  “Soph!  Sophie, open up!” I jumped when I suddenly heard Steven at my door.
  “Holy shit!  It's my brother!” I yelled in a weird panic as Peter sat up straighter.
  “Sophie... We're having coffee on a Saturday morning, totally clothed,” he grinned. 

  Knowing I looked like an immature idiot by my behavior, I calmed down and smiled at my stupidity, even though it did feel like we were doing much more together.  We were physically clothed and decent, but our closeness seemed to suggest a kind of intimacy I didn't want Steven to see yet.
  “Just give me a second to get rid of him,” I said as I hopped off the couch for the door.
  Throwing it open, I looked at a hammered Steven. 
Shit! 
9:30 and he was still piss drunk.
  “Sophie... I met the girl I'm going to marry.  Well, probably not
marry
because she slept with me like 10 minutes after meeting me, but she was awesome.  So if I
was
going to get married it would be to someone like her, but not as easy.  I need to crash before I drive home, ’cause I think my car’s down the street.  Why am I always in the village now since you moved in?” He babbled.
  “Steven... I have company,” I pleaded quietly.
  “Really?  Who?  The creepy notebook guy?” Steven asked trying to look around me, but Peter beat him to it.
  “Hi Steven, I'm Peter- the creepy notebook guy,” he said with a smile though I could tell he was annoyed.  I barely knew Peter, but I had heard that slightly clipped tone before, coincidentally, when he discussed seeing me drunk with my brother the previous Friday, which was a total
oh shit
moment if ever there was one.
  “Hey, Peter, the picture you drew of Sophie was awesome.  She looked beautiful,” Steven stammered while leaning against the doorway.

  Flinching, I could almost feel the heat coming off Peter at the mention of the drawing.
  “Would you like to come in?” Peter asked.
  “Nah... I better go.  I'll just call a cab.  I was drinking with Heather until like 6:30 this morning, I think.”
  “I'll give you a lift home, if you need?” Peter offered.
  “Really?”
  “No problem.  Let me just grab my coat.  I'll see you later, Sophie,” Peter said while not looking at me at all, which made my chest ache in that moment.
  “I'll go with you,” I begged.
  But a 'sure' was all I got as reply from Peter who followed Steven already walking out the main door.  Panicking, I grabbed my coat and my untouched coffee, quickly following after Peter and Steven as I locked my front door.
  Once we all sat in the car, no one spoke.  Actually, I think Steven had passed out immediately because he was breathing a little too loudly in the silence of Peter's pink car.  And if the situation hadn’t seemed so bad between me and Peter, I might have teased him a little about his car because it was really pink- like fuchsia pink. 
  Luckily, or maybe unluckily Steven didn't live that far from me so about 10 minutes later we were pulling into his front lot, as I tried to wake him.  Pushing on him and calling his name, Steven finally stirred and looked around with a big smile for me.
  “Thanks for the ride, Pete.  You're a good guy,” Steven smiled and shook Peter's hand as he practically fell out of the car at which point he yelled, “HOLY
SHIT!
This is a really fucking pink car, my man,” while laughing his ass off. 

  Practically groaning over my idiot brother I was so scared to look at Peter in that moment but to my relief I heard him laugh as we watched Steven stumble to the front doors of his high rise apartment.
  So turning to Peter, I whispered, “I’m sorry.”
  “It's all good.  It IS a really fucking pink car,” he smirked.
  “Yes it is, but you know that's not why I'm apologizing.”
  “Well, why are you sorry then?”  I could see he wanted me to say it.
  “I'm sorry about the creepy notebook guy comment.”
  Pausing for a moment after my words, Peter exhaled before asking, “Is that what I am to you? 
Creepy
?”
  “No.  Not at all,” I pleaded.  “I think you're amazing, I just didn't know what to think then.  You freaked me out a little, so I asked Steven's opinion.  And it was Steven who told me to meet you last Sunday.  He thought I was being too... I don't know.  But he told me to chill out and meet you for lunch and just see what you were really like before I gave up.”
  “That notebook was private, Sophie.  Just between you and I.”
  “I know but it was weird to me; it still is a little.  I mean share our private thoughts with each other?  I didn't
know
you.”
  “And you do now?”
  “I'm trying to.  I want to.  I like you, Peter.  And I want to like you more.”
  “Okay, but will we have secrets between just us, or will I always have to question what you tell your brother, or even others?”
  “No, of course not.  I don't gossip, and I don't tell my girlfriends everything about my life.  I was just creeped out by how persistent you seemed.”
  “I was perusing you.  And I didn't think drawing you a portrait and asking to know your thoughts was all that creepy,” he defended.
  “Okay, well I did.  I don't share my thoughts, Peter.  I don't write them in a journal, and I sure as hell wouldn't let anyone read them if I did.  But now that I know you a little better I can see why you would’ve liked that idea.  I understand a little better the kind of man you are,” I said desperately to relieve the tension in the car.
  “And what kind of man do you think I am, Sophie?” He asked looking honestly curious.
  “Um, a thinker.  Artistic.  Warm.  Caring.  Intense... I don't know.  Not my usual kind of man, so I was a little scared.”
  “And now?” He asked turning his whole body in his seat to look directly at me.
  “I'm not that scared anymore,” I said plainly.  I wasn't going to give any more of myself to him when we had this tension between us.  I just couldn't, especially since I was the one struggling.
  “Do you still want to spend the day with me?”
  “Yes.  Do you?” I countered nervously.
  “Yes, but please no more surprises.  If I freak you out or seem too intense let
me
know.  Maybe I can scale it back until you're comfortable, or maybe I can explain it until you're more comfortable with me.  I don't want you to ever be afraid of me, Sophie.”
  “Okay,” I replied relieved.  I knew I was going to absolutely
kill
Steven later but in that moment I was just happy that everything was out in the open with Peter.
  “Do you need to stop by your place before we go out?”
  “Yes, please,” I whispered as Peter took my hand in his as he turned in Steven's long driveway for my apartment.