Lost (13 page)

  After dinner while I waited for my one load of laundry to dry- the tradeoff for giving up my Sunday late afternoon for my mom- I explained my new job in detail.  I told them everything I felt; my fears and my excitement over my new career.  I even admitted to being scared shitless for the next few days that I was alone without Carole to guide and train me.  However, I felt better when my dad pointed out that the last 2 weeks of the holidays were typically quiet and festive in an office setting, so I was starting as office manager at a good time to get my feet wet without being too overwhelmed.
  When I finally left at 8:00, I felt remarkably better about everything.  I was still thinking about Peter way too often in my opinion, but I listened when my parents said it was normal to be obsessed at the beginning of a new relationship until the infatuation wore off and you could settle into just loving your partner. 

  I was told to enjoy myself and not to let one of my 2 huge new events eclipse the other, but rather to try to balance them equally.

  When I eventually walked into my apartment, I could still smell Peter's scents and lotion in my bedroom making me quickly realize I loved the smell of Jasmine.  I had never really known it before him, but I couldn't imagine the rest of my life without the smell of it reminding me of Peter.
   I also realized I had a message on my machine and I dove for it with the hope that I would hear his voice again before I went to bed.
  “Hi Sophie.  I'm going into work, but I wanted you to know I had a beautiful time with you- freak outs and all.  I think you are amazing, and I look forward to knowing all of you.  Sleep well... I'll see you soon.”
  And that was my night.  Bouncing around my home, happily cleaning and tidying up everything to start my week off perfectly, thinking about Peter nonstop, while picturing the next time we would be together again.
 

CHAPTER 11

  After making it through my first week as Office Manager with only 3
what the hell do I do
desperate phone calls to Carole, I was done.  Mentally, I was a vegetable, and physically, I was exhausted. 

  At the end of the day the staff invited me for a round of drinks to celebrate, but I declined with the excuse of last minute
oh shit
gifts I still needed to buy quickly.
  I couldn't wait to see Peter, and I couldn't wait to get home.  He and I had managed to speak at least once every day, and he had brought me coffee on Tuesday and Wednesday morning, but it wasn't the same. 

  The physical craving I had for him was like a slow torture.  Every time I got my craving and need for him in check, we would speak on the phone or see each other briefly, and the yearning for him increased again.
  I was messed up over him and I knew it.  But we both were going to be off the following week, and Peter told me he was going to monopolize
all
my time over Christmas, which I desperately wanted.
  When I finally made it home, fighting a ridiculous amount of traffic for a Christmas Eve, I walked into my building to a waiting Peter.  Leaning against my door, he looked so good and I wanted to be hugged so badly I nearly wept with the need I had for him.
  “What's wrong, Sophie?” He asked stepping toward me.
  “Nothing at all,” I smiled.  “I just really need a Peter hug right now,” I breathed even as he pulled me into his arms.
  So dropping my purse and my satchel filled with notes, I absorbed Peter into my skin.  From his scent to his warmth, I took everything I could from him in that moment.
  “You feel so good, Peter,” I whispered into his neck.
  “What's wrong, baby?”
  “Just a long week, and I missed you.”
  “I missed you, too.  Let’s go inside.”
  “Okay...” I whispered as I lifted my purse and searched for my keys.
   Once inside, Peter stooped again to unzip my knee high boots, pulling them from me before removing my coat as well.  Exhaling, I watched him care for me in his way, and silently, I loved everything about that moment with him.  He was like a sort of homecoming for me from my long week of career firsts.
  Pulling me to the couch, he again massaged my feet like the most caring man I had ever known.  Sinking further into the couch I watched him watching me until I couldn't handle the stupid grinning anymore.
  “I have something for you, but I'm too tired to get it.”
  “Oh, yeah?  I have something for you that I'd love to give you.  Do you want it now?”
  “Yes, please,” I grinned as I sat up higher on the couch.
  But when he tried to hand me my gift from his coat pocket, I panicked.  “No!  I want you to go first in case yours is better than mine!” I yelled as I jumped off the couch and ran for my bedroom closet.
  Laughing at me, Peter asked, “Is this a competition?”
  “Of course,” I yelled back from my room. “It’s the first real event gift, so I have to win.”
  “What about 'it’s better to give than to receive...'“
  “Oh,
please
.  Nobody thinks like that.  It's always better to receive an awesome gift,” I smirked again as I entered my living room. “Here.  Open it,” I said handing him my gift.
  Laughing at my seriousness, Peter slowly opened my gift for him.  “But you loved these,” he said looking at my mantel. “Oh!  You found another set?”
  “Yes, but they're a little different.  Look at her.”
  “Ah, green eyes... I love them, Sophie.  And the candles smell delicious.  Thank you...” he said leaning in for a quick kiss while handing me my gift.
  Tearing it open, I could tell it was a book, but, “Oh my god!” I was stunned.  Opening the cover, I couldn't believe it was signed.  “Where did you get this?” I asked still stunned by the signed copy of Leonard Cohen’s novel Beautiful Losers.
  “eBay,” he smirked.
  “When?”
  “Um, right after we had lunch the first time.  You told me you loved that book of his, so I looked and I actually found a signed copy.  It's in really good condition, and they promised I'd have it by Christmas.  It only arrived yesterday though, so I was a little panicked I wouldn't have it in time.  But it’s here now, so there you go,” he smiled proudly.
  Looking at the book, my heart was pounding.  I wasn’t going to lie and say I'm all into poetry, because I'm not.  But there was always something about Beautiful Losers that I loved.  I had a generic copy of the book, but holding a signed 1st edition was so amazing, I couldn't stop staring at it.
  “Peter... It's just... I love it and I can't believe you would do something so thoughtful for me.  This is the best present- the most thoughtful gift I've ever received.  Honestly, I'm just... I love it,” I choked.  Not that I would cry over a book, but if anything could make me cry it would be Peter and his thoughtful ways.
  “I'm glad you like it.”
  “I can't
wait
to show Steven.  He's gonna freak out.”
  “He likes it, too?” Peter asked with a very satisfied smile.
  “A little, but it's just such an awesome gift, he's going to be totally jealous,” I grinned as I began crawling to him.
  Straddling his legs, I took Peter's face in my hands, and I kissed him.  I kissed him for the gift, and I kissed him because he kind of
was
a gift to me. 
  “I wish we had more time together,” I whispered against his lips.
  “Me, too.  But we have all next week,” he kissed me back.
  “I just want to lay with you right now and breathe you in...” I heard myself say a little surprised by my own sentimentality.  I was never sappy, but that's how I felt around Peter- sappy.
  “I'll see you first thing Sunday morning.  I'll come over early with coffee with a chocolate shot of course,” he grinned.
  “Ha!  You do love me...” I smiled, and then jolted. 
  What the hell?!  It was just an expression!  But the look on his face, and the way my stomach dropped said more than anything I did by mistake. 
  I knew I had totally screwed up.  But I meant it innocently.  I was just like ha ha, you love me for the chocolate
only
and it didn't matter.  But I didn't know how to get out of it, and Peter looked scared of me or something for the first time.
  “It was just an expression Peter, I swear.  I know you don't love me.  I mean how could you?  We barely know each other, and love takes time, and I know you don't love me.  I was just saying because of the coffee.” But I couldn't stop babbling.  “I know you don't love me, I just meant it like funny you love me 'cause of the chocolate shot.  I know, and I don't love you either,” which made me back-peddle even more.  “
Not
that I couldn't love you because I might, like one day.  But...”
  Holy shit!  I was horribly aware that if silence could actually strangle someone, I would've had a garrote wrapped around my throat at that very moment.  Jesus, there was no air, and no way to get out of the mess I had accidentally created.  And I was miserable.
  “I know what you meant, Sophie.  Relax.  It's all good,” Peter said moving me from his lap while kissing my lips quickly to ease the burn of his rejection, I think. “What time do you have to be at your parents?” He asked like we were fine, which we clearly weren't.
  “5:30.”
  “Well, I should let you get ready.  It's already nearly 4:30, and I'm sure you want to freshen up,” he said moving toward my front door.
  “Peter...”
  “We're fine, Sophie.  I'll call you later to wish you a Merry Christmas, okay?”
  Obviously we weren't fine though, and I was scared of him leaving, but annoyed, too.  I felt like he was being a totally oversensitive idiot.  I mean, of course I didn't mean LOVE.  We hadn't even been dating, or whatever, for 2 weeks at that point. 
  “Yup.  I'll talk to you later,” I heard myself close down.  I actually heard it as I spoke.  I was sad and pissed off, and I couldn't hide my upset or disappointment in his behavior.
  “Merry Christmas. Have a great night, Sophie.”
  “You, too,” I said while standing to lock the door behind him.
 

  I had the best gift ever followed by the saddest departure ever.  I was a little shell-shocked by the turn of events; completely numb but shaky at the same time.  So I decided, screw it.
  Getting ready, I wore a beautiful red dress with matching black jacket, and a sexy pair of plaid high heels.  I put my hair up in a cute bun, and darkened my make-up slightly.  I made myself look better than I felt.  I made myself look like the Sophie of only a few weeks ago, even though I felt anything but.
  Making sure all my gifts were ready at the front door in large travel bags, I took one last look around, ignoring the amazing book screaming at me from the coffee table, then I left for the comforting feel of my parents and their huge Christmas Eve party.

                                              *****

  When I arrived at the party there were already a dozen people there and the Christmas music was playing and my mom was running around laughing with her apron on, and my dad was pouring drinks, and Steven was even there before I was helping pour drinks with my dad.
  A car had pulled up behind me, and as I turned while removing my own coat, the door opened to my parent's friends, Bill and Paula with loud calls of Merry Christmas, as my mom ran for the door. 

  Hugging me quickly, I was nearly pushed out of the way by my mom as she grabbed for the tray of deviled eggs Paula held in her hands.  And then it seemed like the rest of the onslaught began as more and more people arrived within minutes.
  There was a kind of awesome chaos all around me and I was distracted by everything everywhere.  It seemed like within only 10 minutes, people stood everywhere and voices could be heard from every corner of the house.
  I made my way to my dad and brother and was pulled into a big hug by my dad, lasting much longer than my mom's grab and toss hug. And when he finally let me go, he kissed my head and told me I looked as beautiful as always.  He poured me my favorite drink- a tequila sunrise, and then he began the 'Sophie is the greatest' speech to all aunts, uncles, and family friends within hearing distance.
  Subsequently, I was asked endless questions about my new job, and I answered them all with a kind of excitement I hadn't felt the past week.  I even admitted to feeling overwhelmed which was quickly blown off by everyone as normal. 

  The whole conversation around the bar revolved around me for a good 20 minutes, until Steven finally saved me.  Faking a request from my mom, Steven and I walked away, but not before he quickly made me another drink.
  When we finally snuck upstairs to breathe in my room, Steven opened my window, sat on the window seat hanging half outside, and lit a smoke.
  “What's wrong, Soph?”
  “Nothing... Why?”
  “That's your power dress,” he said carefully.
  “No.  It's a red Christmas dress,” I said confused.
  “No, it isn't.  You have worn that dress only a few times that I've ever seen and it's always because of something intense, like when we went to the summer family party right after you broke up with Joseph, or that time you went to that interview you knew you were too unqualified to get.”