Love, But Never (31 page)

I want to puke and I don’t really want to eat, but I know I have to. I guess I was just trying to ignore something I couldn’t ignore.

~3/25/02

              Less than twenty-four hours later, her grandma was gone and she was, again, faced with a funeral for someone she loved.  The dull ache that started in Marissa’s abdomen when she’d gotten the news about her grandmother turned into what felt like a raging fire, but she didn’t want to eat, drink or do anything that she was supposed to do.  Aaron was calling nearly every hour, but Marissa ignored the calls.  It was the same when Lucian called.  Thankfully, John hadn’t called to ‘mend fences’ yet from the party.  After skipping her classes on Monday and Tuesday, she knew she couldn’t avoid the world forever, so when her mother called on Tuesday afternoon, she finally answered her cell phone.

              “The service is Saturday morning at Grandma’s church.  The ladies in her group are going to provide the reception afterward.”

              “That’s nice of them,” Marissa responded, more out of rote than actual feeling because she was numb.

              “Your dad and Uncle Ryan picked out an urn for her ashes.  Uncle James and Talon’ll be in on Friday.  Do you and Susan have room for them?  Don’t you have an extra bedroom?” her mother asked.

              “Talon?!  No way.  I don’t have the room, sorry,” Marissa answered, quickly. “Susan’s mother is visiting right now,” she lied.

              “Oh, that’s too bad that you don’t have room.”

              “Yeah, darn,” Marissa smiled, grateful they were having this conversation over the phone as it made lying much easier.  “I’ve gotta go to work now.  Talk to you later.”

              Marissa told Kevin and Sally about the services when she arrived to work and they agreed to give her the weekend off and asked if she wanted to work more hours other days of the week to make up some of the hours she would be missing. A week ago, Marissa would’ve been desperate not to lose the hours, but now, she didn’t seem to care whether or not she’d make rent. 

              As Sally walked out of the lobby, she gave Marissa a sympathetic look and said, “I know you are in pain, but maybe the fake smiles of customer service will help you forget everything for a few hours?”

              Marissa laughed, but it was hollow and forced.  She was numb and she didn’t want to pretend to be cheerful and helpful.  Luckily, there were only a few check ins left for the evening.  About twenty minutes after the last check in arrived, Marissa heard the lobby doors chime.  She froze in her steps as she saw Aaron’s bloodshot eyes looking at her over the counter.

              “Good, you’re alive,” he said, coldly.

              “Yes,” Marissa whispered, trying to keep the sorrow she was feeling bottled inside.  The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of Aaron, again.

              “Why haven’t you called me back, or answered my calls?” his dark eyes appeared weary.

              “I haven’t talked to anyone until tonight,” she shrugged.

              “The last time I saw you, your dad was trying to drag you home and called you a whore.  You went to visit your grandma, leaving me in your kitchen to lock up because you didn’t want to fall into the same patterns with us that you had with Tony.”

              “I wanted to save myself, and I’m trying.  That’s why I haven’t called anyone, not even Lucian.”

              “What about John?” Aaron raised his eyebrow in question.

              “What about him?”

              “Have you seen him?”

              “No, why does it matter?” Aaron breathed an audible sigh of relief.

              “I thought you’d decided to return to the supposed safety you’d been seeking that kept us apart for the last two years.”  Marissa’s blue eyes widened in surprise at direction of Aaron’s thoughts.

              “Why would you think that?” Marissa breathed, leaning on the counter in front of her for support.

              “I don’t know.  Just a feeling?  You seem to make rash decisions when you are hurting.  I thought…maybe…I don’t know…”

              “You thought that even though I told you that I love you, it would be too much for me and I’d run back to something you think I’d view as more stable?”  Marissa asked, trying to keep her voice calm, even though she was somewhere between anger and panic.

              Aaron shrugged. “Something like that, yeah.  I haven’t slept, Marissa.”

              “I’m sorry that I haven’t answered the phone or called you back.  I haven’t run back to John, though.  In fact, I’ve been so numb, doing something stupid hadn’t even crossed my mind,” Marissa confessed, shocking herself.  “I usually run to you when I feel this numb,” she added in a whisper.

              “So you regard me as a…what?  A fuck that reminds you that you are alive?  A place to hide from reality?” His voice started to elevate in accusation.

              Marissa shrugged and looked down.

              “Look at me, Marissa.”

              “I can’t,” her voice still coming out as a whisper.

              “Why not?” Aaron’s voice softened at her declaration.

              “You’ve seen me cry enough for two lifetimes,” she started.  “I want to be stronger, but yes, you’ve been a place to hide from reality.  Now though…” she trailed off.

              “Now I am the reality?”

              “Something like that,” she let out a fragile laugh.

              “Marissa, it’s okay to have a safe place to land.  It doesn’t make you weak.  You’ve been mine these last couple of years, too.”

              “The only person you can count on is yourself,” Marissa gave Aaron a cold, faraway look.  “Love only gets you so far.  It can’t be forever.”

              “Why are you so cynical about love?  I know you feel it and know what it could be, but it’s like you are afraid of it, too.  You are afraid to let your guard down and trust someone else completely.”

              “Trust?  You want to talk to me about trust?!” Marissa laughed again.

              “Look, I know I’m hypocritical in asking you to trust me, but you also know that you
can
trust me, and maybe therein lays the problem?”

              “I have to get back to work now, Aaron.  Tony’ll be here to relieve me in about twenty and I have end of shift stuff to do,” Marissa dismissed.

              “Can I meet you at home?  I want to be there for you.  I won’t let you push me away.”

              Marissa sighed. “Fine.”

              “Thank you.”

              “Susan’s asleep already, so just wait in the driveway for me, okay?”

              “Sure,” Aaron’s eyes seemed to shine with his love for her and her numbness seemed to subside a little.

              When she finally arrived home, Aaron met her in the driveway and immediately pulled her into a meaningful embrace.  She breathed him in deeply as the scent of him alone comforted her at a level she’d never experienced before, but she resisted sagging into his arms.

              “I can’t believe she’s gone,” Marissa whispered against his chest, and he tightened his grip around her.

              “I’m so sorry, baby, do you want to go inside, or do you want to sit in the bed of your truck?” he asked, kissing the top of her head as she struggled with the tears stinging her eyes.

              “Truck,” she said, trying to pull from his embrace to climb in.  He released her quickly, and hopped into the bed before offering his hand to help her in, too. “Thanks.” She gave him a weak smile.

              “Honey, being upset about losing someone you loved is nothing to be ashamed of, you know that right?” Aaron pulled her down to join him and wrapped his arms around her again.  “It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.”

              “Other people I know don’t feel the same way, so I need to get this under control before Saturday.”

              “Saturday?”

              “The service for my grandma.  It’s at her church, just down the road from here.”

              “Do you want me to go with you?” Aaron asked, pulling her tighter to his chest, as she continued to try to suppress her tears.

              “You don’t have to,” Marissa looked into his eyes for doubt that he’d be there, but only saw the depth of his feelings for her.

              “I know, but I want to be there for you.  Will you let me this time?  I won’t be rescuing you; I’ll be there for support.  I know it’s something you don’t get a lot of from your family.”

              “Fuck!” she whispered, remembering something she didn’t want to think about,
“Talon.”
She growled.  “Yes, I’d love if you could come and support me,” she smiled up at him, grateful that she now had a buffer between herself and her cousin.

**

              “You must be Mark’s daughter,” an older lady from her grandmother’s church group said with a smile as Marissa went through the food line after the service.

              “Yes, how’d you know?” Marissa asked, puzzled.

              “You are just as beautiful as he said you were, honey!” the woman beamed at Marissa’s shocked expression.

              “He said what?”

              “He brags about you all the time, honey.  He talks about how smart you are, and how he wished that your brother had half the sense of responsibility that you do,” she informed.

              “Wow!” Marissa said, astonished. 
‘Why can’t he ever say that to my face?’
“Thank you,” she smiled, letting Aaron guide her to a table.

              “Did you hear that?” she asked once they were situated.

              “Seems your father thinks more highly of you than you thought,” Aaron smiled at the revelation. 

              “I know!”

              “Is this seat taken?”

              Marissa visibly cringed at the familiar voice and Aaron gave her a quizzical look.

              “No one is sitting in that chair, Talon, go ahead and have a seat,” Marissa saw her mother nod as her cousin took a seat on the other side of her.  She found Aaron’s hand under the table and squeezed it, hard.

              “Hey there, cuz,” Talon said, turning to Marissa and Aaron.  “Who is this?”

              “This is Aaron, my boyfriend,” she introduced.  “Aaron, this is my cousin, Talon.”

              “Nice to meet you,” Aaron said, still looking at Marissa, confused by her reactions to him. Talon scoffed.

              “You brought a date to Grandma’s funeral, Ris?”

              “I didn’t bring a date, Talon.  I brought my boyfriend, for support,” she hissed, kicking him under the table.  “Stop being rude.” Marissa tried to eat the wonderful food the ladies had provided the family, but she felt uncomfortable sandwiched between Aaron and Talon.  She excused herself to go to the restroom and walked into the hallway beside the church’s multipurpose room.  The ladies room was across the hall from what Marissa assumed was a room used for Sunday School, as the walls were decorated with art projects and the tables and chairs were tiny.

              “What are you doing in here?  I thought you had to piss,” Talon said from behind her.

              “I do, I was just looking,” Marissa said, and tried to squeeze past Talon.

              “No, you are doing what I thought.  It’s a good thing I told your
date
that I needed a smoke.”

              “No, I’m not, Talon.  I just needed to get away from you,” she said as she finally pushed her way into the hallway.

              “Marissa, I can honestly say I’m wounded!” Talon’s eyes held pain she’d never seen before and she was confused at his feelings.  “I really care about you.  Don’t you see that?”

              “How can you say things like that to me, Talon?  I told you before, we are related.  The family is from Ohio and all, but not the back hills!”

              “We aren’t related, didn’t you know?”

              “What are you saying?” she asked, taking a step backward and felt the push pins from a bulletin board against her back.

              “You aren’t my cousin, not by blood anyway,” Talon said, taking a step toward her.  “Grandma always said that your mom would give it up for anyone, and Uncle Mark only claimed you because they were already getting married.”  He grabbed her hips and pulled them into his as she stared at him, not processing what he was saying.  “She said she knew Jared was her grandson, but she didn’t know who your dad was.”

              Suddenly, her grandmother’s comment at her Aunt Carla’s funeral came ringing into her ears.
‘I love you as much as I love my other grandchildren.’
  She wondered if it could be true as Talon swooped down to plant a kiss on her shocked lips.  She started to push him away and turned her head.

              “Regardless, Talon, I still see you as a cousin and this isn’t going to happen.”

              “What the hell do you think you are doing?” she heard her father’s voice from behind Talon.  Talon’s eyes widened and he, immediately, released Marissa, backing away.

              “Uncle Mark, it’s not what it looks like,” Talon defended.

              “It looks like you are trying to take advantage of your cousin, and my daughter, at your grandmother’s funeral.  Do I even need to mention the fact that her boyfriend is here with her?” her father seethed.

              “Grandma said she’s not my cousin.  She doesn’t even look like you,” Talon offered.

              “No, but her features came from Leandra’s side, and your mother- her eyes are the same as Carla’s, aren’t they?”

              “But Grandma-,”

              “I have the paternity test results that we showed my mother years ago, if you’d like to see them,” her father defended.  “She’s my daughter and your cousin.  Let’s go find your father, you should leave now.”

              “No, dad, it’s okay,” Marissa said.  “I’m not feeling well; I’m going to take off now.”  She held her stomach as the little bit of food she ate hovered in her esophagus.  Without waiting for a response, she ran outside, without thinking of going back to grab her purse.
‘Great!  I can’t even leave now and I don’t want to go back inside,’
she said as she started to walk the two miles from the church back to her house, knowing that Aaron would grab her purse when he realized she wasn’t coming back.