Love, But Never (32 page)

CHAPTER 23

              Less than five minutes later, she saw her truck pull up in front of her on the side of the road. 

              “Where are you going?” Aaron asked her.

              “Home,” Marissa answered, now clutching her abdomen. 

              “Honey, you are in pain.  Get in, I’ll drive you home,” Aaron rushed to her side and loaded her into the passenger side of her truck.

              “You should feel privileged.  The only people who I’ve let drive this truck are family,” she looked over to him with a faint smile.

              “I do, so spill.  Why are you walking two miles back to your house?  And why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” Aaron asked, merging back into traffic.

              “I- I just couldn’t be there anymore,” she said, bringing her knees up to her chin carefully.               

              “What happened?  You went to the bathroom, and the next thing I know your dad and your cousin come barreling through the door again.  I thought your dad was going to murder him.  Probably not the best idea, you know, being in a church and all.”

              “I don’t want to talk about it,” Marissa was now breathing through the pain, grateful that they were within three minutes of her house.

              “The last time you said you didn’t want to talk to me about something, it was because you were being abused, Marissa.  I don’t want to go another year before I find out what this is all about,” Aaron pulled into the car port and slammed the truck into park.  Marissa bolted out the door and into the house, running through the kitchen and dining room, straight to her bathroom, making it just in time for the food that had been hovering in her esophagus to finally make its way out of her body.

              “Marissa, do you need anything?” Aaron knocked on the bathroom door just as he heard the toilet flush.

              “No,” she said, opening the door and starting to shed her clothes on the walk back to her bedroom.  “I want to tell you about what happened,” she continued, pulling her tank top and boxers out of her top drawer and slipping them on.  She sat on her bed and pulled her knees up under her chin, trying to brace the continuing pain in her digestive tract.  “I hope you won’t look at me differently afterward though.”  Sitting next to her on the bed, Aaron just nodded and waited for her to start.

              “I’ve been abused, Aaron.  A lot.  Even though my hair color is from a bottle, it’s representative of how I feel about my place in the world,” she started, running her hand through her copper locks in emphasis of her words.  “I feel like I’m my family’s ‘red-headed’ step-child…only I’m not.”

              “I know this, Marissa- your dad and your brother-.”

              “Actually, my brother and I are good now.  We’re actually becoming close,” Marissa smiled.  “And I’ve never seen my dad that protective of me, so I’m hoping we may be turning a corner, too.  Even before his disgusting display of grief last Saturday afternoon, we were getting to a better place.  Hearing those ladies talk about how my father’s been bragging about me was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever heard, Aaron.”

              “Okay?  I don’t understand how you don’t already see how incredible you are.  You shouldn’t need that kind of validation to realize it.”

              “I’m starting to see myself as smart, capable and responsible.  I’ve lived on my own now for nearly a year.  I’ve budgeted, I’ve learned to cook, and I’ll be a college graduate soon.  I’ve accomplished so much, and I see that now.  I see that I’m good enough to be with someone I’m in love with, not just someone who I view that I’m safe with.

              “You have to understand that safety is something I’ve been seeking for years.  I’d say my need for safety started to be my focus about age six.  I mean, my parents were having terrible fights before that.  My earliest memory is my mom taking us from the apartment we were living in and walking down the road, away from my father, I was three.  Awesome, right?” she chuckled.

              “I’m so sorry,” he moved to put his arm around her, and she put her head on his shoulder.

              “I’ve never told anyone about the way my family treated me and they’ve always put up a good front around my friends.”

              “Not even John or Lucian?  Susan?”

              “Susan knows the abridged version, with my dad and brother.”

              “And the unabridged version?”

              “My cousin, Talon.”

              “He hit you, too?” Aaron’s arm tightened around Marissa’s shoulders and she moved her forehead to her cradled knees.

              “God!  I wish,” she said, her voice now slightly muffled by her knees.  “It started when I was six…  He started to touch me and I didn’t really think anything of it.  I thought it was a game.  I had no idea what he was doing.”  Marissa heard Aaron gasp.

              “It happened on family vacations and the worst was when we lived in the same state for two years.   My mom needed Aunt Carla to babysit, a lot and we slept over all the time.  I was afraid to go to sleep.  I blocked it out, though.  All of it, after we moved back to Arizona when I was twelve.”

              “I wish I’d known.  I would’ve beaten his smug ass myself,” Aaron huffed.

              “When I was fifteen, there was a boy that I liked.  He wasn’t my boyfriend or anything, but I wanted to kiss him, and he wanted to kiss me.  I didn’t care that he had a slight reputation for being less selective about whom he kissed,” Marissa shrugged.  “So, we were hanging out after school one day and we started kissing.  It was nice, but then he started to move his hands lower.  When he started to push up my skirt and his fingers moved toward my panties… someone drove by blaring Guns n’ Roses…and something inside me snapped,” she inhaled sharply at the memory.

              Aaron’s eyes widened as he kissed the top of Marissa’s head, encouraging her to continue her story.

“I freaked out and pushed him away.  He called me a prude and left me there, but it wasn’t that,” her voice starting to sound more choked with pain, but she wasn’t sure if it was the Crohn’s or the memory causing it.  “Everything I’d blocked out for three years started to flood through me, and I felt the bile rise in my throat, but I was paralyzed.  Every single disgusting touch, every word he’d whispered, every song he played on his stereo, the smell of his acidic cologne,
everything
came back to me at once.  I started to shake from the memories, and I wished I hadn’t been left alone to deal with them.”

              “Wow,” Aaron breathed.  “I wish I had something more profound than that, but I understand why you don’t let me touch you like that.  I’m so sorry I tried.”

              “After that, he told everyone he’d nearly ‘slid home’ with me after not even dating me, and I got a reputation for something that never happened.  There was a boy that I was in love with in high school, but I pushed him away even more after this.  I didn’t want to hurt like that ever again,” Marissa looked at him.  Her eyes were blank, as if she were distancing herself from what had happened so that she could tell him.

                “Why did you think he would hurt you?” Aaron’s brow was furrowed in confusion.

“I don’t know why I had that correlation, honestly.  I guess I thought that if the other boy had the power to make me feel like that with just a crush, someone I was in love with could destroy me.  And my parents…my mom told me that when she fell in love with my dad, it was like lightning.  I don’t want a relationship like them.  I felt the lightning with you and it scared me.  I tried to tell myself and everyone else that it was just sex and nothing else, but it was a lie.”

“I told that lie to myself a few times,” he offered.

“In the process of lying to myself and everyone else, but not being able to stay away from you, I let you into my heart.  I wanted you to touch me in those ways that scared me; I ache for you to touch me like that.  And that thought alone petrifies me more than I can ever voice.”  A shard of pain splintered through Marissa’s abdomen and she squeeze her arms tighter around her knees.  “Damn that hurts.”

“Isn’t it time for your meds?” Aaron asked, moving off the bed toward her pill caddy. Finding it empty, he turned to face Marissa.  “What’s this?  We got your prescriptions last Thursday, why aren’t they in here yet?  Is this why you are in so much pain right now?”

“I haven’t really been eating or holding down anything since my grandma died.  I didn’t want to waste the medication.  It’s expensive,” she shrugged.  “I’ve been getting by on hot baths and pain meds.”

“This is not getting by, Marissa.  You just threw up and you are in agony.  Anyone can see that.  You’ve lost weight.  Your mom pulled me aside when you went to the bathroom to make sure you were okay.  I told her you were just sad.  Now I feel stupid that I didn’t see it before.  You need to take your medication.”

“Fine.  I will.  After I take a bath, okay?” she said.  “Don’t you have anything to say about everything else I just said?”

“Of course, Marissa.  I think what happened to you is deplorable and I’m so sorry you didn’t tell me before,” he said, moving to sit beside her again.

“We’ve only been together for, what? Two weeks?  I’m so sorry to drop all of this on you so quickly.”

“Marissa,” he started, putting his finger under her chin so that she had to look into his eyes.  “You may have only technically been my girlfriend for two weeks, but I’ve been in love with you for over two years.  I’ve wanted to know everything there is to know about you for a long time, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I love you more and more with every piece of information I learn about you.  I knew you were strong the first time I saw you.  Do you remember?”

“At the My Year Abroad show, when Kyle introduced us,” Marissa smiled fondly.

“No, honey.  Fenix Tx, I scanned the crowd and landed on those beautiful blue eyes and I wanted to know you.  I’m so glad I’ve gotten the chance,” he kissed her softly.

“I am, too.”  Marissa blushed and blinked back the tears stinging her eyes and released her knees so she could make her way to the bathroom again.

EPILOGUE

It’s been a year since my grandma died and I feel like everything has changed again. Lucian has been deployed, but he’s okay, I’m getting letters from him monthly. I miss him and I hope he stays safe. John is gone, too, but not on deployment. He never could accept that Aaron and I were together…but I was left to wonder if he was ever truly my friend to begin with. That’s so sad to say about someone you used to call your best friend. Apparently, his friendship was conditional. He never made up
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red flags waving in front of her. She’s still in my life, as is Susan. I couldn’t ask for two better friends, except maybe Lucian- too bad he’s not available.

And Aaron… In all my life, I never dreamed I’d have such an amazing partner and all of the pieces would just fall into place for us. It’s not always easy, of course, but I’m learning that any relationship takes work. Anyone who says that when you are with the person you are

supposed to be with everything comes naturally is lying.

I always feel amazing when I’m with him and I feel like a whole person, but we argue over little things from time to time. Now that I’m in grad school and he’s recording, we have to find time for each other. We decided to move in together to make finding that time easier. It’s been an adjustment, but not necessarily a bad one.

One thing that makes a difference, we don’t take each other for granted. We know how long it took for us to get to this point, to be together, to not be afraid to be in love. He calls me on my shit and doesn’t let me hide inside myself or inside of him. He wants me to be my own person, not co-dependent like I was with Tony. Aaron doesn’t rescue me, but he is there to
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of someone else’s shadow, and we are truly partners in every sense of the word. I’ve never doubted his love for me and I’ve never felt the need to question if he comes home late, which is
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was…unorthodox.  To say the least, anyway.