Love Inspired February 2014 - Bundle 1 of 2: The Cowboy's Reunited Family\The Forest Ranger's Return\Mommy Wanted (34 page)

He turned on the headlights, then gripped the steering wheel with both hands as he drove down the dark streets. Not a lot of traffic. Just the calming lights gleaming from the tidy homes in Julie's neighborhood.

Dal pulled into her driveway and killed the engine. Before he could get out of the truck and walk her to her doorstep, she reached out and laid her hand on his arm.

“Dal, I'm sorry about tonight. I know we were both kind of bushwhacked. I hope you're not too upset with Cade.”

He pursed his lips together and gave a noncommittal grunt. She couldn't leave it at that. Her mind raced with words she longed to say. With feelings she yearned to express.

“I don't know how you feel about tonight, but this is the best nondate I've ever had.” She gave him a heartening smile, hoping to help lighten his mood.

He shifted his hands off the steering wheel, and her fingers slipped away. “Yeah. Lots of fun.”

She blinked. His voice sounded mocking. This was a new twist for Julie. Pursuing a man was alien to her. Something she'd avoided all her life. Taking a deep, settling breath, she plunged onward. “Actually, I've been wanting to talk with you for several days now, but we never seem to find time alone anymore.”

“Talk about what?” He hitched a shoulder as he stared out the windshield. Not looking at her. Not moving. Just waiting.

“Cade told me that something's bothering you. A big secret you're keeping to yourself.”

He turned his head toward her, his eyes narrowed. “Cade had no right to tell you that.”

“Don't worry, he didn't confide what it is. And it was my fault. I guessed long ago that something must be bothering you, so I asked him about it.”

“And?”

“And he told me to talk to you about it. So what's your secret?”

He snorted. “If I told you, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore.”

“You can trust me, Dal. There was a time when we didn't keep anything from each other.”

“Those days are long gone.” A cynical undertone tinged his words.

“I'm worried about you. You can tell me about it. You know that.”

“No, I can't.” His features hardened, his body language telling her that he was anxious to get away. Like a cornered animal, desperate to flee.

Okay, this wasn't going to be as easy as she'd hoped. “Dal, for the longest time I've been alone. All by myself. And it wasn't until I moved to Stokely and met up with you again that I realized I don't like that. I...I want us to be close again. To be dear friends, like we were when we were kids. To trust each other. You see, I've fallen in love with you all over again, and I... I'd like us to take it further.”

Okay, she'd laid everything on the table. Her heart and soul, just lying there, waiting for the cleaver to drop.

He spun around and looked at her, his eyes filled with incredulity. “You love me?”

“Yes, Dal. I love you. More than anything else in the world. And...and I'm hoping maybe you can love me again, too.”

“Don't say that.”

She blinked. “Why?”

“No, this isn't happening. Not now, Julie. Not ever.”

“Why? How long are you going to punish me for ending our relationship when we were teenagers? We were just kids, Dal. And I didn't have a lot of choice back then.”

“This isn't about that, Julie.”

She didn't believe him. He'd never forgiven her for abandoning him. Maybe he never would. “Then what is this about?”

“It has nothing to do with you. I...I don't know what I can ever be with you.”

She tilted her head to one side. “You don't have to be anything with me. Just be the Dal I love and it will all work out fine.”

He leaned his head back against the seat and clenched his eyes closed. “Oh, Julie. I wish it were that simple. I really do. But you don't understand.”

“I'm trying to understand. Really, I am.”

He rolled his head in frustration.

“Can't you explain it to me, please?” she asked.

She held perfectly still. Barely daring to hope for a second chance at happiness with the love of her life. Her heart slammed against her ribs. She wanted so much to touch him. To wrap her arms around him and tell him everything would be okay.

“My secret is a dark one,” he said.

“So is mine. But that's old history. Can't we leave it there and move on?” Her voice sounded choked. If he could find the courage to tell her about his past, then somehow she could do the same. Because she knew they could have no future together without disclosing everything and taking a leap of faith. A leap of trust.

In each other and the Lord.

He met her gaze, his eyes filled with deep, abiding anguish. When he spoke, his voice sounded strangled by grief. “Okay, you want to know the truth? Then here it is. I may not be able to father a child, Julie. The explosion that took my leg banged me up pretty bad. I was lucky I only lost my leg. I can deal with that. But the damage was worse. The doctors don't know how bad it might be. I was engaged to be married. When my fiancée found out the truth, she dumped me. I... I'm just half a man, Julie. That's all I'll ever be. I'm not husband material. I can never marry you, and that's it.”

Her heart twisted in a vise of pain. “Oh, Dal. Don't say that.”

“It's the truth. You wanted to know. So now you know.” His voice was an angry growl. He'd never spoken to her like this. So annoyed and angry. As though she were an irritating little girl who wouldn't leave him alone.

She tensed, wanting to feel insulted. Wanting to lash out at him in return. But then she thought about the burden he'd carried since he'd returned home from the war. The pain of losing his leg was bad enough. But to lose his fiancée and believe he might never be a father must have crushed him.

“I'm so sorry. So very sorry for all you've lost,” she said.

Scooting across the seat, she hugged him, resting her head against his chest. He didn't respond, but she wouldn't let go. Not now. Not ever.

And in an aching whisper, she told him about her past. Everything. About her foster dad, her embarrassment, self-loathing and loss of trust.

“So you see? Each of us has been deeply hurt. And yet, I can't help believing that God can heal our wounds. We've got to let it go, Dal. Because I'm not leaving you ever again. Because I want to be with you for the rest of forever.”

She felt the steady rhythm of his heartbeat against her cheek. She breathed in his spicy scent of aftershave and fabric softener. And in those quiet moments, the eyes of her understanding were opened. She knew deep in her heart that God had never abandoned her. Not once. Even during the dark years following her parents' deaths, the Lord had been there for her. And somehow, once she was ready, God had led her back to Dal. A shimmering ray of sunlight in a dark, cruel world.

“You deserve better.” Strong emotion pinched Dal's vocal cords.

“We both deserve to be happy, Dal. And you make me incredibly happy.”

She held him tighter. Fiercely. Afraid to let go. Ignoring the tears as they streamed down her cheeks.

Finally, after all these years, she'd said the words out loud. The words she'd needed to say in order to cleanse her soul. In order to heal. And as Julie confided all her loss and hurt, Dal whispered a few heartening words against her hair.

“Don't cry. You'll be okay,” he said.

She felt so close to Dal and the Lord. For the first time in a long time, she no longer felt alone. If only Dal could accept what she was telling him. If only he could believe it, too.

She cuddled closer in his embrace, but he didn't hug her back.

“You know, there are lots of ways for us to have kids,” she said. “Up until a few months ago, I thought I'd live my entire life alone. I thought I had accepted that. But being with you is more than I ever dared hope for. If we don't have children, it's not the end of the world, Dal.”

His body went rigid against her. After a moment, he pushed her away. She felt the wall he'd erected between them go up like an iron plate.

“You don't mean that, Julie.”

“Yes, I do.” She met his eyes, not blinking. Unwilling to let him go.

He shook his head and licked his lips. “Maybe you do now, but years from now, you might feel differently. And then it'd be too late. I can't hurt you that way. I won't do it, Julie.”

“Do you trust my commitment so little?” she asked.

“No, it's not that. I just don't want to tie you to me when you could have something better.”

“Don't you think it's my right to decide that for myself?” A feeling of desperation buzzed through her head. In spite of her admission, he hadn't told her he loved her. He hadn't said the words, or that he wanted to be with her again, either.

“Y-you're just not what I'm looking for, Julie. I don't see our relationship going any further. I'm sorry if I led you to believe you could expect more. But it's just not there for me.”

Oh, that hurt. So badly.

A contrived smile curved his lips, but it didn't reach his eyes. “I had a lot of fun with you tonight, Jules. I'll never forget it.”

Opening his door, he got out. She stared at him through the windshield as he walked around to her side of the truck. The heat of mortification burned her face. He didn't love her anymore. When she thought about what she'd said to him tonight, the way she'd practically thrown herself at him, she wanted to disappear into thin air.

She blinked, hardly able to believe what he'd said. They'd had a good time, told each other their deepest, most haunting secrets. And now they would go on and act as if nothing had ever happened between them.

He opened her door and stood back. As she stepped out, the warm summer evening wind embraced her bare arms. The air smelled of honeysuckle and barbecue. A car passed by on the street, its headlights shining into her eyes. She turned her head away as a dawning realization flooded her entire being.

Dal didn't love her anymore. He hadn't said the words. Oh, he cared, of that she had no doubt. But caring for an old high school sweetheart and loving her enough to commit the rest of his life to her were two very different things.

The heat of mortification rose across her face. In a blind daze, she hurried toward her house. She had to get inside and bolt the door behind her. Right now.

He accompanied her to the front porch, not touching her. Not saying another word. His presence a constant reminder of how she'd opened up her heart and he'd stomped on it. Was that how he'd felt all those years ago when she'd stopped writing to him? As if she'd shredded his heart into teeny little pieces with a meat grinder?

She fumbled inside her purse, blinking at the blinding tears, searching for her keys. They jingled as he took them from her fingers and opened the door. Once she stepped inside and flipped on the living room light, she ducked her head so he wouldn't see how he'd hurt her.

“Good night, Julie.” He stepped away.

Then he was gone. She stood there watching as he pulled out of her driveway and sped away. Her heart ached, the pain suffocating her. Her soul cried out with despair. No, this couldn't be happening. It couldn't be real. Surely God wouldn't bring her here and help her recognize her love for Dal and then take it all away a second time. But she realized this wasn't God's fault. It was a choice. Dal's choice.

Closing the door, she leaned against it, her legs too weak to hold her up. A hoarse cry rose upward inside her chest. As she slid down to the floor, her purse dropped from her limp fingers and hit the tiled entranceway. Covering her face with her hands, she wept.

Chapter Fifteen

T
wo weeks later, Julie drove downtown toward the city park. Though it was just after seven in the morning, she'd been up for almost two hours. Since Dal had rejected her after their bowling date, she hadn't been sleeping well. His words seemed to haunt her.

She wasn't what he was looking for. He didn't love her. And she couldn't get over it.

After eating a fuel-healthy breakfast of oatmeal, she'd been warming up. Anxious for the 5K race. Anxious to see Dal again yet dreading it at the same time.

As she navigated her way through the heavy traffic, she pressed on the brake. People milled around the main gazebo where a platform had been set up for announcements. Looking to the side, she saw an open-air tent with a sign overhead that read Registration. No doubt that was where she should go to pick up her number. The race would begin in twenty minutes, and she had just enough time to check in.

Dressed in her jogging clothes, Julie thrust open the car door and stepped out. The buzz of laughter and voices filtered through the air. The crisp scent of fresh-cut grass swept across the warm breeze. She tossed her jacket into the backseat, then locked and closed the door. Depositing her key into a small zipper bag, she stowed her water bottle on a clip at her waist and walked toward the gazebo.

“Hi, Julie!”

She swiveled around and saw Marcus standing next to the podium, balancing Clarisse on his hip.

“Hi, sweetie.” Her heart gave a giant leap as she walked over to the boy she'd come to care so much about. He returned her hug, but finally pushed away when she held on to him a bit too long.

“Are you excited about watching the race?” She reached out and rubbed the baby's chubby arm.

“Yeah. You go over there to get your number.” The boy pointed to the registration desk.

“Thanks, I was just headed in that direction. You haven't seen Dal by any chance, have you?”

He crinkled his nose against the bright sunlight streaming through the tall elm trees. “Nope, not yet. He didn't drive in with us this morning.”

“Ah. Well, I suspect he'll be here soon.” She glanced down at the boy's amputated wrist. “Hey, is that your new cosmetic hand?”

He beamed a happy smile and lifted the hand up for her inspection. “Yeah, it came in yesterday. It looks good, huh?”

She studied the hand-drawn fingernails, crinkle lines and tiny hairs. An exact replica of his other hand. “It sure does. Very lifelike. If I didn't know about your amputation, I couldn't even tell it's not a real hand.”

She'd known that Cade had ordered a new cosmetic hand for Marcus and that Dal had paid for it. Dal was generous to a fault, and she loved him more than anything else in the world. Which explained her broken heart. She couldn't seem to get over it and told herself for the umpteenth time to let him go.

“I can't wait to see you run. Cade's over there with Kristen, getting us some hot chocolate,” the boy said.

Lifting her head, Julie saw the doctor standing before a booth, counting out coins for a cashier. Kristen and Lyn were with him. Together, they picked up the cups of chocolate and headed her way. When Cade spied Julie, she expected his normally exuberant smile. Instead, he cast a doubtful frown her way and urged Kristen to go ahead of him.

“Hi, Julie. Have you warmed up yet?” Lyn asked in a subdued tone. Her eyes looked red, as if she'd been crying. An odd notion, surely. Maybe it was just allergies.

Julie nodded. “Yeah, have you seen Dal? I was hoping to speak with him before the race.”

Lyn shook her head, then leaned against her husband and looked away. Sad and overly quiet.

Cade wrapped an arm around his wife, his gaze resting on his two daughters. “Kristen, why don't you and Marcus take Clarisse back to our seats? We'll join you in a few minutes. I want to talk to Julie alone first.”

“Okay.” Kristen took the baby and headed toward the bleachers a short distance away.

Marcus accepted his cup of hot chocolate. “But I want to stay with Julie.”

“Come on, Marcus. Now!” Kristen called over her shoulder, sounding like an older sister.

“Ah,” the boy grumbled, but obeyed.

Lyn's gaze trailed after the children, ever vigilant of her brood. Julie couldn't help doing the same, thinking how her life was about to change.

With or without Dal beside her.

“Good luck, Julie.” Marcus waved and hurried to keep up.

“Thanks, honey. I'll see you after the race.” Then she faced Cade. “Okay, spill it. What's going on?”

He chewed his bottom lip, his reticence palpable. A heavy foreboding settled over Julie like a damp blanket. Something was wrong here. Maybe Dal had confided in Cade about her declaration of love. And maybe the doctor was displeased with her. But that didn't seem right.

“Is Dal okay?” She tried to play it cool, but inside she was trembling.

“No, he's not,” Lyn blurted. “You've got to find him, Julie. Bring him back here. This is his home now. Don't let him chase you off. You two belong together. He's just too stubborn to face it.”

“Honey,” Cade cautioned. “Let me explain to her first.”

“Explain what?” Julie didn't understand any of this, but she knew it wasn't good. At this point, she was nervous as a bee flitting around a flower garden.

“He left, Julie. Early this morning,” Cade said.

“What?”

Lyn stepped close and pressed her hand against Julie's shoulder. “I'll leave you alone to speak with Cade, but know that my prayers are with you and Dal. I want him home safe.”

Julie stood dumbfounded as the woman followed after the kids. Knots of tension tightened at the nape of her neck. Three words pounded her brain.
Dal had left.
He was gone. But where? When?

She already knew why.

“He doesn't want me.” She said the words out loud, as if to herself.

Cade shook his head, his eyes filled with sad light. “I don't believe that's true. In fact, I think you're the reason he left.”

“But why?”

“Because he loves you. I think he's afraid.”

“But if he loves me, why would he run away?” She didn't understand. Not really. Not after Dal had told her she wasn't what he wanted.

“Think about it, Julie. It's hard living in this small community and seeing you now and then but not being with you,” Cade said.

“But that was his choice.”

“Not really. I think it's just what he believes is best for you, not what he wants.”

Julie shook her head, not understanding this situation at all. So they might not be able to have kids. Many couples struggled with infertility. They could still be happy and fulfilled together. There was so much more to life than babies.

Wasn't there?

She snorted. “Hogwash! I love him, Cade. I'm almost thirty-six years old. I think I'm old enough to know what I want. And right now, I want Dal. We can sort the children issue out later on. But first I want Dal. No ifs, ands or buts about it.”

“Then you're gonna have to convince him it's right for you two to be together. But you'll have to hurry.”

A sense of panic struck her. Dal had left. It might be too late. Even if she could find him, she had already tried to convince him that they should be together. But love was a different matter. She couldn't make him love her.

She glanced at her car. “Where did he go?”

“I don't know. He refused to tell me. He had his truck all packed up early this morning and said he'd call to check in later tonight. He headed out on U.S. 50, but he refused to tell me where he's headed.”

She understood. The coward. Dal wouldn't reveal his destination because he knew Cade would tell Julie, and she might come after him. And in that moment, something hardened inside her. Something cold and frantic.

Whirling around, she ran toward the parking lot.

“Where are you going?” Cade yelled after her.

“To find Dal.”

“But what about the race?”

“Forget it!”

Julie sprinted past the registration desk, past the other joggers as they headed for the starting line. She wouldn't be there. Not this year. She was in a different race right now. The race of her life. A race for happiness. To find the man she loved and bring him home.

If she could.

At her car, she fumbled with the key. Her fingers shook as she yanked the door open. She gripped the steering wheel, her knuckles white, her mind spinning with tension. Where would Dal have gone? What if she never saw him again? What if she couldn't find him?

What if he had never really loved her?

She pulled out of the parking lot, jerking on her seat belt at the same time. Trying to control her speed so she didn't run over some pedestrians. But inside, her heart was bursting. She had no idea where to go. Dal had a big head start on her. He could be anywhere by now. Long gone.

And she prayed. Begged God to help her find Dal before it was too late. Begged Him to help Dal love her the way she loved him.

As she left town, she headed out on U.S. 50, pressing the accelerator, trying not to go too much over the speed limit. The long black asphalt stretched out before her. A waterfall of panic washed over her. Even if she found Dal, she had no idea what to say to him. She had no idea what it might take to convince him to return with her.

For fifteen miles, she saw nothing but sagebrush and rolling hills. She passed a few cars, but they weren't Dal's. As she sped by an exit, she craned her neck, hunting for a glimpse of his classic vehicle. Nothing. She didn't see Dal.

And then she did. Standing along the side of the road beside his old blue truck. She blinked to make sure it was him, knowing the curve of his back, the width of his shoulders, the tilt of his head like the back of her hand.

Pure relief swept through her just as a tornado sweeps a house off its foundation. She'd found him. It wasn't too late. He was here. She had another chance. One more chance to convince him they should be together.

The hood of his truck was up, a thin stream of gray smoke spewing from the engine. He leaned over to inspect the problem, then raked a hand through his short hair.

She slowed her car, pulling over on the side of the road. He drew back from the truck and glanced back at her. When he recognized her, his face contorted with surprise. A look of frustration marred his handsome features. Then he shook his head, as though it were a shame. As though the end of the world had finally come.

Well, tough. He wasn't getting away from her again. No, not until she'd had her say. She just had to make him understand. And she prayed harder than ever before that God would make Dal believe her words.

* * *

Of all the rotten luck! Dal drew back his prosthetic foot and kicked the tire of his truck. He couldn't figure out what was wrong. Why had the vehicle stopped working? Why now? He couldn't even tell where the plume of gray smoke was coming from. An unexplainable breakdown. He'd rebuilt this entire engine himself. He knew every tube and wire in this truck. Yet he didn't know what was wrong and why it had stopped running.

Unless...

No, he didn't believe in God's intervention anymore. Too many bad things had happened to him over the years. But then, the Lord had brought Julie back into his life. A coincidence or providence? She'd been so good for him that he couldn't believe she was anything but a godsend. And he hated himself for breaking her heart.

Doubts assailed his mind. He wasn't going back. He couldn't hurt her again. He couldn't...

“Hey, stranger, do you need a ride?”

Dal whirled around. Julie stood there, her car parked behind his truck. He'd been so engrossed in his problems that he hadn't heard her get out of the car.

“Julie.” His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears. He squinted against the bright sunlight, thinking she must be a mirage. A wishful vision of his imagination.

She leaned her hip against his truck and folded her arms. Dressed in her running clothes, she looked slim and beautiful. Sunlight highlighted the streaks of gold in her chestnut hair. She appeared relaxed, but he saw the fire in her eyes and the stubborn lift of her jaw. She was angry. Good and mad.

At him.

He shook his head, not laughing. Wishing she hadn't found him. Thinking he should leave but yearning to stay right here.

With her.

“How...how did you find me?” he asked.

“Cade told me you'd left town.” Her bottom lip quivered as though she were biting back tears.

He could read between the lines. He hadn't just left town. He'd left her, too.

Her eyes hardened, the tears dried to a cold, angry blur. “Are you ready to settle down now? Or would you rather just keep on running?”

“No, I don't want to keep running.” He refused to look at her, his heart filled with utter desolation. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want to leave. And yet, he couldn't stay.

“Then stay.” Her words were no more than a whispered plea, carried on the morning breeze.

He met her eyes. “I can't.”

“Can't or won't?”

Both!
“I want to be fair to you, Jules. To keep you safe.”

“So you do that by abandoning me?”

“No. I didn't mean to hurt you.”

“Leaving without saying goodbye is a strange way of showing that.”

He flinched. “I didn't look at it quite like that.”

“Well, I do.” She moved in close and lifted her hands to cup his face. Forcing him to look at her. To meet her eyes. Refusing to back down. “Life is unfair, Dal. To everyone. To you and me. But God is the great equalizer. He can make everything right again, if you'll just give Him half a chance. If you'll just give us a chance.”

The warmth of her hands seeped into his skin, warming his frozen heart. He'd tried to run away, but he couldn't hide from the Lord. And in that moment, he believed God had sent Julie after him. To bring him home again. “This isn't about you, Jules. It's about me.”