Love Inspired January 2014 - Bundle 2 of 2: Bayou Sweetheart\The Firefighter's New Family\Season of Redemption (46 page)

His brother ended the prayer, but Ryan didn't want to let go of Kellie's hand. He had to of course, and glanced her way as she sat down. She looked pretty in a rust-colored sweater and corduroy pants that hugged her narrow hips. She gripped her hands in her lap, making Ryan wonder if maybe Kellie hadn't wanted to let go of him either.

By the time Sinclair had finished his sermon about love, Ryan was blown away by the change in his brother. Changes he'd never taken the time to recognize since Sinclair had come home. So reckless in his youth, it was amazing how Sinclair had spoken from the pulpit with real maturity. And God's anointing, too. Ryan had never before believed in his brother's calling to preach. He still wouldn't have believed it had he not heard with his own ears.

He looked at Kellie. “What'd you think?”

If the dewiness in her eyes was any indication, she'd been touched by his brother's message, too. “It was good.”

Ryan nodded. “Yeah, it was. Come on, I'll introduce you to him and then we can ask about rounding up volunteers.”

Waiting for the center aisle to clear, Ryan thought about one of the passages that Sinclair had read during his message.

Romans 13:8—Pay all your debts except the debt of love for others—never finish paying that.

He'd stopped paying for a while. So wrapped up in his own grief, he sort of forgot about everyone else. Ryan stepped aside to let Kellie pass.

“Are you staying for the potluck?” Dorrie asked.

He shook his head. “Not today.”

“I think I will,” Kellie said.

“Great, see you downstairs.” Dorrie smiled and headed for the lower level of church where dinner would be shared.

Ryan steered Kellie toward the front of the church where others swarmed around his brother. He couldn't handle a full-blown fellowship dinner in his brother's church filled with warmth and love and both sets of parents. Especially with Kellie sitting next to him. It'd feel too familiar, and too much like the past he'd shared with Sara.

Besides, he could only concentrate on paying one debt of love at a time. Right now, that debt was helping Dorrie get her house done in time for Christmas. But with each step toward the altar, Ryan's gut twisted. He missed the way his life had been.

Sick of the emptiness, Ryan silently prayed to the only one who could make it different. Make him different.
Help me come back, Lord. Bring me back.

* * *

Kellie watched the brothers after introductions were made. They were so different and yet so much alike. Ryan was taller and much broader, too, but there was no mistaking Sinclair as the oldest. Something about the tone in his voice made her think that Sinclair had been looking out for Ryan his whole life.

Despite what Mrs. Marsh had said on the phone that day about her oldest son being the one who'd always tumbled into trouble growing up, Kellie knew a leader when she saw one. They'd come to the right place for help.

Sinclair fingered the paper with Dorrie's construction site address, looking thoughtful. “Yeah, we can get some volunteers for Dorrie. When?”

“This week, and every week until it's done. The only day there's no work is on Sundays. But she needs to move in before Christmas. So that may change as we get closer,” Ryan said.

Sinclair looked surprised. “That's right around the corner.”

Kellie spoke up. “The new owners of her rental want to move the mobile home off the property before the snow is too deep. She has no choice.”

Sinclair shook his head. “I had no idea.”

“That's Dorrie for you. She tries to figure everything out by herself. I only found out by accident.” Kellie shifted her purse strap higher up on her shoulder.

“Thanks for coming to me. We'll do what we can. Hope and I can help, too. Not that we're pros, but we've been making some updates to our house.”

Ryan looked a little sheepish when he asked, “How's that going?”

Sinclair smiled. “Pretty good. I convinced Hope to wait on painting the outside until spring. But we've been fixing up the inside a little here and there.”

Ryan shifted from foot to foot. “How's her mom and dad?”

Kellie again sensed the tension in Ryan. Like a coiled spring, that hero complex of his kept the guilt firmly in place over his fiancée's death. Facing her parents must be agony.

“They're doing great. Why don't you stay for dinner and see for yourself. They'd love to talk with you.”

Ryan's brief expression of pain was quickly shuttered and covered up. “Not today. I've got stuff to do.”

Sinclair glanced at her with a question in his eyes. Did he think she was the
stuff
Ryan mentioned?

“I'm staying,” Kellie said. The only plan she'd made for the day was taking a quick nap before settling into studying her intern book on teen dynamics for group. She hadn't fibbed to Rose Marsh when she said she had plans later. “I've got to try Mrs. Larson's lasagna.”

Sinclair laughed then. “Actually, you won't be disappointed. Come on, you can sit with me and Hope and fill us in on what Dorrie needs.”

Kellie looked at Ryan. “I'll see you tomorrow night at the site.”

“See you later, Kellie.” He nodded, but his eyes looked heavy with memories and sadness.

She followed Sinclair toward a side stairway and glanced back as Ryan made his way out of the church doors.

“How's he doing?” Sinclair asked.

“I'm not his counselor, but...” Kellie chewed her bottom lip. Ministers understood privacy and anonymity. She could tell him a little bit, right? “Actually, he's giving group therapy an honest effort.”

Sinclair stopped before the stairs. “He talks to you, doesn't he?”

Kellie thought about how Ryan had asked her for coffee and she'd shut him down because of ethical concerns. Namely an unbridled attraction to the man. “Yeah. A little.”

“That's good.” Sinclair's eyes softened when he spotted his wife, and he reached out his hand to her. “Hope and I pray for him daily.”

Hope smiled at Kellie with a determined gleam in her eye. “You might be exactly what he needs.”

Whoa!
Kellie panicked, but warmth spread through her at the mention of being needed. She cleared her throat. “We're working together to get Dorrie's house completed. That's all. I give him insight into group because I'm an intern there and I facilitate a teen group, but I can't counsel him.”

“Of course not.” Sinclair looked like he understood.

Hope nodded, but the satisfied look in her eyes proved she hadn't meant providing Ryan with professional help. “So, Kellie, tell me about yourself.”

Could the woman be more obvious? Kellie didn't blame Hope for being protective of Ryan. She was his family. And Ryan had a great support system in his family. All he had to do was let them in to help him. But sitting with Hope meant an interview of a totally personal kind. Kellie found she didn't mind a bit. There was something engaging about Hope. Something genuine, too.

“I'm interning for my master's in school counseling,” Kellie answered.

Hope's eyes shone. “Awesome. My degree is in early childhood education. What age group do you want?”

“Middle school, hopefully.” Kellie wanted to get in at the age where a kid could be deterred from the wrong path if needed. High school was tougher and might be too late. Although it hadn't been for her, it had for her brother, Karl. He'd already been lost to drugs by then.

They entered the lower level that was jam-packed with people and the wonderful smell of home cooking. Kellie's mouth watered.

Dorrie waved from the line forming near tables laden with delicious-looking food. She herded her girls forward.

Kellie waved back. She'd never been to a church potluck before. The church she'd grown up in had spaghetti dinners on occasion, and Friday night fish fries, but those had been put on by the church for its members. It wasn't all this sharing of dishes made by parishioners.

“So tell me,” Sinclair started. “How much needs to be done at Dorrie's?”

Kellie shrugged. “Walls, flooring, cabinets and finishing work, but Ryan could explain it better. He's sort of in charge.”

Hope cocked her head and then shared a look with her husband. “Really?”

“What?” Kellie wasn't sure of the significance.

Sinclair explained. “That's the real Ryan. He'd help anyone, anytime, anywhere. My mom said that he'd kept to himself after the accident. He'd spent a lot of time helping in my parents' orchard, and then when they sold that, he bought a broken-down cottage on the lake that he's been remodeling. Too much alone time to think.”

Kellie understood being alone. Sometimes she felt safer that way, and other times it was like being adrift. What if Ryan didn't want to be alone? Looking around the room, Kellie took in what he'd probably grown up with—love and support. Had he attended dozens of these potlucks with his fiancée?

She spotted Ryan's parents laughing with another couple. They were nice people. Sinclair and his wife were, too. A nice family that appeared to be tight and caring. And yet, Ryan had drifted away from them all.

She remembered the poem Rose Marsh had referenced when they spoke on the phone. Kellie had looked it up online and printed it out. Fascinated, she'd studied it, but could only remember the first few lines. So simple and fierce.

I fled Him down the nights and down the days

I fled Him down the arches of the years

I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways of my own mind, and

In the mist of tears

I hid from Him...

And appropriate. Kellie believed Ryan had fled his feelings and the Marsh family had given him space to do so. He was an adult after all, but a desperately hurting one. One with too much time to spend running down the labyrinth of his own mind. Like Ryan's brother had pointed out, Ryan had too much time to think and that had led to alcohol.

A shiver of disquiet shot down her spine. Kellie liked this church and its people, but was she getting sucked into something she might not be able to control? Coming here was about Dorrie and the girls. Getting them settled into their house before the holidays had to be her primary concern. But the more she knew about Ryan, the more she saw shades of herself.

Pain was pain, no matter where it came from. Kellie had come to terms with hers because of an astute counselor. She knew how to deal with her feelings. Okay, maybe avoidance of getting close to people wasn't the healthiest way to do it, but for Kellie, it worked.

Would Ryan come to terms with his? Kellie wanted to be part of his support system, but she shouldn't get too close. And not only for ethical reasons of where she interned.

Ryan had the kind of family she'd always wished for. Another draw toward the man. Kellie couldn't risk the heartache of rejection by getting romantically involved only to be eventually kicked aside once Ryan got to know her. Deep down, Kellie feared she wasn't loveable. She was high-strung and needy. A mess. What guy wanted that?

None that she'd known, and she wasn't going back to that place, ever again.

Chapter Six

T
he next day, Kellie stared at the computer screen in her office at LightHouse Center. It was almost quitting time, but moments ago she'd received a call for a second interview with the school in Traverse City. Things were definitely going as planned, and yet she teetered close to the edge of something scary.

A quick knock at her half-closed door brought her head up.

Ginny stood in the doorway. “Kellie, you okay?”

“The school called me for a second interview.”

“That's wonderful.” Ginny's smile died as she took a seat. “Why the long face?”

Kellie shrugged. It didn't feel right not to say anything about her friendship with Ryan, but could she risk telling Ginny? “Nerves, I guess.”

Ginny's gaze narrowed. “You put too much pressure on yourself. When's the interview?”

“This Thursday at one.” She'd have to leave the outpatient office early. “But I'll be back for teen group.”

“Good. Did you let John know?”

“Not yet, but I will.”

Ginny patted her hand as she stood. “Good for you, Kellie. You've worked hard for this and I hope you get the job.”

“Thanks. I do, too.”

Once Ginny left, Kellie inwardly cringed. She
had
worked hard. Too hard to be more excited about seeing Ryan later at Dorrie's than about her interview. Something was definitely out of whack.

Technically, she saw Ryan in a community setting. Her sister-in-law's house was the product of a nonprofit group. Kellie couldn't escape that, nor did she want to. Still, attending church with Ryan had really pushed the line. And Kellie wanted to return to that church where Ryan's brother pastored. She liked the way Sinclair delivered his message. She liked Hope, too. They'd invited her back.

Kellie got up from her desk and marched her way down the hall toward her boss's office. With a quick tap on John's open door, she stepped in and breathed deep the fresh air. Due to the unseasonal warmth today, John had his windows open.

“I got called back for a second interview.”

Her boss looked over the rim of his glasses. “That's good news.”

His lack of surprise made her wonder if he already knew. After all, the superintendent was his friend and neighbor. “Thanks for getting me in the door. I wouldn't have this opportunity without your recommendation.”

“I wouldn't have done it if I didn't believe you'd be good there.”

Kellie informed him of the time and date. “Got any tips?”

John laughed. “Just be yourself and let your passion show through.”

Again, Kellie nodded but her conscience scratched like sandpaper. Her mouth went dry and she took a deep breath. “There's something you should probably know.”

John lifted one eyebrow. “Have a seat.”

Kellie would rather stand, but knew it was best to follow directions. “You know that my sister-in-law is having a house built for her by the Church Hammers organization.”

“A good cause.”

“I help out as much as I can, and—” Kellie stopped to double check the small voice that had prompted her to confess. Yup, still there making her heart clamor and her palms sweat. “One of your clients also volunteers to meet his community service requirements.”

“I see.” John leaned back to cross his legs. “Shouldn't be an issue. You don't have anything to do with my groups.”

Kellie swallowed. She really needed a drink of water. “No. But I did his court-ordered assessment for Ginny.”

“Hmm.”

Kellie clenched her fists at her sides and waited out her boss.

He narrowed his gaze. “That would be Ryan. Does he bother you?”

Kellie almost let loose a nervous laugh. Bother her? The question should be more like on what level. “He's got construction skills, so he's sort of in charge.”

“You can't skip out on your obligation to your sister-in-law.”

“No.”

“And obviously Ryan's needed so it wouldn't be right to advise him to switch services.”

“No.” Kellie held her breath.

“Could be a real pickle, Kellie.” His gaze pierced her. “But I trust that you will maintain a professional distance while you're here at LightHouse.”

Could she? She had to. “Yes, sir.”

John lifted his chin with a quick jerk signaling he was satisfied and the conversation was over.

“Thanks, John.” Kellie resisted the urge to bolt from his office.

Before she made it out the door, John asked, “Kellie?”

She turned. “Yeah?”

“Thank you for telling me.” His expression was hard to read.

“You're welcome.”

Kellie's breathing returned to normal by the time she made it back to her office to grab her things. John was good at reading between the lines. And the lines between her and Ryan had grown pretty blurry. Would she regret telling her boss once he talked to Ginny? Ginny knew she was attracted to Ryan. Then what?

Lord, You pushed me to tell, so the rest is up to You
.

She'd trust God's prompting on this one, but it was up to her to keep her feelings for Ryan firmly in check. She needed someone to hold her accountable because she didn't trust her heart. She avoided getting involved in relationships because her need for affection had led her astray before.

Ryan's interest had sparked a yearning she shouldn't have. Not now, not when he was going through his own issues and she still interned. By telling her boss the situation, she'd risked that internship. Exactly what she needed to stay in control.

* * *

Ryan arrived at Dorrie's construction site early, before anyone else. Good thing he had a key. Stepping inside, he looked around. There was so much yet to do. Could they get it done in time? A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. “It's open.”

“Ryan?” The voice belonged to his brother.

“I'm in here.”

Sinclair walked into the framed and insulated living room accompanied by two teenaged boys. After quick introductions, he said, “Hope sends her regrets. She's got a meeting in Traverse City about grant-writing. Put us to work.”

Ryan rubbed his hands together. “Let's get tools and supplies from the trailer outside and we'll get started hanging drywall.”

Ryan smiled as they traipsed across the gravel driveway to the construction trailer. Three more was better than none. He appreciated his brother's quick response to his request for help yesterday at church.

In no time, the four of them got to work while other volunteers arrived. Each time the door opened, Ryan expected to see Kellie. A kernel of disappointment popped each time she didn't show.

“Looking for someone?” Sinclair's eyebrows rose over the dark rim of his glasses.

Busted
. Ryan shrugged.

“We like her.”

He didn't want to talk about Kellie in the middle of hanging drywall with a couple of kids nearby, but he took the bait anyway. “Yeah?”

Sinclair nodded. “She sat with us during potluck. I couldn't get a word in between her and Hope.”

“She could probably use a friend like Hope.”

“Why's that?”

Again, Ryan shrugged. He didn't know why he'd said it. For all he knew, Kellie might have a ton of friends and a full social calendar. But he didn't think so. She seemed so alone, with no one to call that night her car broke down.

“Pastor Marsh!” Gracie ran into the room and threw her arms around the back of Sinclair's legs.

“Hey, Gracie.” His brother laughed, but Ryan could tell Sinclair held the drywall burden tighter.

“Gracie! Get back, that's heavy.” Dorrie scolded her daughter.

“Sorry.” The seven-year-old stepped away.

Ryan turned his head as he held the drywall for one of the teenagers to drill into place. He felt his heart pump a little faster when he spotted Kellie standing in the doorway.

“Hey.” His gaze held hers.

“Hello.” She quickly looked away from him to Sinclair. “Yay, we have more help. Thanks for bringing reinforcements.”

“You're welcome.” His brother then introduced the teens.

“You guys are doing a great job.” With that, Kellie followed Dorrie into the dining room to help lay flooring while Ryan and his crew continued with their dusty job.

By the time dinner rolled around, the church ladies who usually brought the food decided it was warm enough to grill hot dogs outside on the deck. The wonderful smell of grilled food made its way in through the open windows and Ryan's stomach growled. The teenagers wasted no time bolting out the kitchen's door.

Before joining the group in the backyard, Ryan surveyed the living room. Not bad. The drywall that hung in place needed taping, mud and then eventually preparation for paint. A couple of more rooms required drywall, but Ryan couldn't expect his brother to give up every night this week to finish it.

Sinclair clamped a hand on his shoulder. “Looks good.”

“Yeah, it does.”

“How often are you here?”

“Every night.”

Sinclair's eyebrows rose.

“What have I got to go home to?” Ryan couldn't keep that edge of bitterness out of his voice.

His brother's shoulders slumped. “Come on, let's go eat.”

Ryan stalled him, regretting what he'd said. “Thanks for coming tonight.”

Sinclair nodded. “I'll be back. Hopefully, with more help.”

Ryan looked into this brother's eyes. There was so much more to be said. They both carried a load of guilt, but Sinclair had lightened his since coming home. How?

“Look, Sin—”

“You guys coming? The hot dogs are going fast,” Dorrie hollered from the kitchen.

“We'll be right there.” Ryan should let it go. Now wasn't the time to finally talk about the accident and the last three years. Besides, Ryan didn't know where to begin or how to say what needed to be said.

Sinclair gave him a nod. “It's okay, man. I get it.”

Ryan looked at his brother. “It's not okay.”

“We'll work it out, but right now there are dogs to be had.”

Ryan laughed and followed his brother out into the sunshine. Sinclair understood and for now, that's all Ryan needed.

* * *

Kellie entered LeNaro Elementary with a skip to her step. The weather had turned warm and sunny. She'd squeeze in a quick bike ride after school, before heading over to Dorrie's. The day was too beautiful to waste all of it indoors.

Sailing through the hallway toward the second-grade classroom, Kellie gave herself a mental pat on the back. She'd done well in keeping an appropriate distance from Ryan last night while working on the house. They'd chatted comfortably at dinner, and that was pretty much it. No long-drawn-out looks or near-physical touches. She was back in control and that felt good.

“Morning, Kellie.” Beth Ryken's smile was brighter than sunshine. “Perfect day for our field trip, isn't it?”

Kellie halted her steps. “Uh, field trip? Where to?”

“You forgot, didn't you?”

Kellie scrunched her nose as she recalled something about handing out permission slips weeks ago. “Sorry, I guess I did. Hayride, right?”

Beth shook her head. “The bus will be here shortly, so if you'll make sure every student has their jacket, that'd be great.”

Kellie didn't bother to point out that they'd probably not need jackets today. It was already warm, and the weatherman promised the temperatures would climb to eighty degrees. Instead, she got to work organizing the noisy second graders into a straight line.

At least she'd get her wish to enjoy part of the day outside. October's final weather luxury before autumn slipped into winter didn't usually last long. Sometimes they'd get a whole week of the fickle warmth, sometimes only a couple of days. Either way, Kellie planned to enjoy it, even if that meant sharing a smelly hayride with two classrooms of kids.

Once loaded on the bus along with the other second-grade class and their teacher and two chaperoning moms, Kellie settled into a seat next to Gracie.

Gracie grinned up at her, missing both front teeth. “Do you like hayrides, Aunt Kellie?”

“Sure, I do.”

Eons ago, her parents had taken her and her brother to a cider mill. Kellie had loved the bouncy wagon ride around the empty apple orchard, while Karl had acted bored. He'd been only twelve at the time, but he'd had an acid tongue. Her parents had ignored his sarcastic remarks, and even then Kellie had wondered why they let her brother get away with his bad behavior. Her parents had ignored them both too much. Family time had become one of those fewer and further between events, oftentimes squeezed in as if it were one more thing on her parents' to do list. Kellie despised being another duty.

The drive was lovely despite the bareness of the trees. A few hardwoods still blazed with patches of brilliant-colored leaves, but most of the fall foliage lay on the ground. When they finally pulled into a parking lot, Kellie frowned.

“What's the matter?” Beth asked.

Her stomach tightened as she read the sign of the horticulture research station. “They have hayrides here?”

Beth laughed. “We come every year in the fall because they're too busy in the spring. I happen to know the farm manager, and he's great with the kids.”

Kellie nodded. Control slipped away with every hammer of her pulse. Ryan Marsh worked at a horticultural research center. Surely, this was the only one in Leelanau County. And Beth knew him.

While Beth gave the kids instructions to remain seated until after the bus had stopped, Kellie stared out the window. Like watching the proverbial train wreck, she couldn't look away from Ryan as he approached the bus. Tall and handsome as ever, he strode toward them with a pleasant smile.

Was there no escaping this man
?

Gracie pulled on her sleeve. “Aunt Kellie, look, it's Ryan.”