Love Inspired March 2014 - Bundle 2 of 2: North Country Family\Small-Town Midwife\Protecting the Widow's Heart (16 page)

And
he cared about Noah.

Thank You for giving me this love,
she prayed as she walked toward her car in the staff parking lot.
Please help me now.

She needed help because she was going to tell Rick how she felt. She was going to bare her heart to him and trust that he returned her love, that God would work it out.

Cassie kept a steady stream of prayers flowing as she unplugged her car's block heater, then sat inside and waited for the engine to warm up. Doubts crept in, making her wonder if today was the right day, if this was the right time, if Rick would reject her. But Cassie resolutely pushed away her uncertainties and recited verses she'd memorized, verses designed to build her trust in God.

As she did, an idea flickered through her mind. So often she asked God for things, just as Noah often asked her. Before the flu epidemic, he'd pestered her about taking boxing lessons. Cassie had staunchly refused. She'd attended a boxing match once with Eric and had been appalled, so she'd remained adamantly against her son being subjected to such violence.

Did God feel the same when He refused things His children pleaded for, things He knew would be detrimental to them? He was her heavenly Father, He loved and cared for her. Sometimes He said no to her requests because He knew what was best.

Wouldn't God, like any other parent, appreciate being thanked?

Enter into His gates with thanksgiving and a thanks offering, and into His courts with praise! Be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name.

When was the last time she'd thanked God for anything?

With a grimace, Cassie shoved a CD in the player and let the heart-lifting melodies soak in. After ten minutes, immensely cheered by her private worship service and with the car giving off a toasty heat, she pulled out of her parking spot.

As she drove to Rick's home, she couldn't help noticing the brilliance of the sun. The days were longer now. Easter was just two weeks away. She wondered how the choir and band were doing. Rick had said nothing about practice, probably because he didn't want to worry her when she was so involved with her patients. But Noah had told her during their daily phone call that the group kept practicing.

Singing was the one thing she and Noah could consistently talk about without arguing.

Cassie's mood continued to lift the closer she got to Rick's house. It stood isolated, alone on the cliff top at the end of the street. His car was there, as well as his snowmobile, so she knew he was home.

The full realization of what she was about to do—bare her heart to this man she'd come to trust—made her pulse thrum with excitement and hope. She pulled into his drive and parked her car.

This was it.

“Be with me, Lord,” she murmured as she walked over the snow, footsteps crunching loudly in the silence of the afternoon. “Soon Rick will know how much I care for him. Please, please let him love me back.” She inhaled then pressed the doorbell.

There was a long delay. Cassie was about to press it a second time when the door was suddenly flung open.

Cassie stared at her son, standing there in some kind of unfamiliar workout clothes with boxing gloves on his hands and a helmet covering his head. She stepped inside and pushed the door closed behind her, frowning.

“Noah? What are you doing?”

“B-boxing with R-Rick.” She could hear the challenge in his voice as he told her, “We p-practice lots. Rick s-says I'm g-getting g-good.”

“Who is it, Noah?” Rick appeared behind her son, also wearing gloves. His welcoming smile bloomed when he saw Cassie. “Hi.”

She ignored the greeting.

“You're teaching my son to box?” she asked in disbelief. He nodded as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do. “Why?”

“Because he asked me to.” Rick motioned to a chair. “Do you want to sit down? It won't take a minute for him to change.”

“No, I don't want to sit down.” Cassie blazed inside. “How could you do this, Rick?”

He blinked, confusion clouding his eyes. “I don't understand—”

Furious with him, Cassie turned to her son. “What I want to know is why you specifically disobeyed me, Noah.” She held his defiant gaze. “I refused when you asked me the first time and I kept on refusing,” she reminded. “I know you heard me. So why?”

“Cassie, I didn't know you'd forbidden it,” Rick interrupted. “I'm truly sorry. I had no idea I was going against your wishes.”

“But you didn't bother to ask my permission, either, did you? The first time you ever mentioned boxing to Noah, I know you could see that I didn't like the idea.” That same old wall of distrust began building inside, brick by impenetrable brick. “You should have asked me,” she said.

“D-don't blame R-Rick!” Noah shouted.

She stared at him, shocked by the fury he directed at her.

“I n-need to d-defend myself.” Scorn filled his bitter words. “Y-You turned your b-back on m-me and everyone else. You c-closed down instead of f-fighting for what you b-believe. I'm n-not g-going to be l-like you, M-Mom.”

“How can you say that?” Bewildered, Cassie could only stare at the son she would gladly give her life for. “Your father—”

“D-dad would n-never have let people diss us l-like you d-did. You g-gave them b-back their m-money, but they k-kept on s-saying we s-stole it and y-you l-let them. You d-didn't s-stand up for us. Y-You didn't s-stand up for
me.
” Tears welled but he dashed them away angrily. “Y-you didn't even n-notice what I w-was going through.”

“That's not true.”

“I think we're finally learning what's been bothering Noah for so long,” Rick said in a very gentle tone. His arm slid around her shoulder as if to impart strength. Cassie, confused and brimming with suspicion, tried to pull away. But Rick drew her to a chair and urged her into it.

“Listen,” he urged in a whisper. “He needs to say this.”

Cassie could not tear her gaze from his. The tenderness she saw there was a balm to her injured heart. She stared into his green eyes, her confusion growing. Had she been wrong to trust this man?
No,
her heart whispered. Rick would help her, whatever was wrong. Somehow she knew that one thing was true in spite of the doubts that flooded in.

Finally she nodded.

“You have the floor, Noah.” Cassie saw something unspoken flow between them. “Get it off your chest, but when you're finished, you're going to listen to what your mother has to say.”

Noah drew in a deep breath, then turned to her. In unforgiving, bitter language he blamed her for everything that had happened since his father's death. “I w-was the school f-fool,” he said, his tone blistering. “My f-friends c-called me n-names, said I w-was a crook. They s-said we were u-using the church's m-money.”

“We weren't,” she said, unable to remain totally silent under the assault.

“I d-didn't know th-that. All I knew was that w-we didn't g-go to ch-church anymore,” Noah said in a cold, hard tone. “Y-you were always w-working. I h-had nobody t-to talk to when it g-got r-really bad. N-nobody believed m-me when I s-said we didn't t-take the m-money.” His face tightened. “Th-they would h-have believed y-you. B-but you w-wouldn't s-say anything. I g-got b-beat up b-because you w-wouldn't t-tell the t-truth.”

A part of Cassie was nearly ecstatic that Noah was finally talking. She prayed that he would finally find healing. Another part of her reeled at his accusations. But as he spoke, her son's blame, his censure and most of all his feeling of being alone gutted her. All she could do was listen.

At last Noah finished, pale but still defiant. Cassie couldn't speak.

“So because you were mad at your mother, because you blamed her for the pain you suffered when your dad died, because you needed to feel strong and invincible, that's why you started picking fights?” Rick said.

Noah bowed his head.

“Picking fights?” Cassie said, her voice raw. “Noah was bullied.”

“No.” Rick shook his head. “Tell her, Noah.” When Noah didn't respond, Rick continued. “You deliberately picked on other kids, pushing them around until they couldn't take it anymore and they hit you. Isn't that true?” Rick asked. After a long pause, the boy nodded. “You lashed out to get rid of the hurt and in doing so, you hurt other people.”

Cassie saw the truth of Rick's accusations on Noah's face.

“H-how d-did you know?” Noah mumbled.

“It was just a hunch, something you said the day you gave me a nosebleed.”

“He gave you a—” Cassie began.

Rick cut her off, his focus on Noah. “Thank you for admitting the truth, Noah.”

“I feel like I don't know you at all,” Cassie whispered, aghast at what she was hearing.

“You don't know m-me,” Noah growled.

Rick's glower marred his handsome face. “I'm not sure I do, either. You conned me into teaching you boxing because you needed a way to get the upper hand with kids who wouldn't back down from your threats.”

“Yes.” The admission hissed from Noah's lips.

“The thing is, I never realized your mother had forbidden it.” Rick's voice was hard. “I don't like being used, Noah. I especially don't like being used against your mother.”

“I'm s-sorry,” Noah said without remorse.

“Are you?” Rick held his gaze. “You had lots to say about the people in your former church and how they treated you so miserably. You accused your mother of not standing up to them.” Rick's severe tone held Noah captive.

“Sh-she didn't,” Noah sputtered.

“No, she didn't, because your mother is the strongest woman I've ever known. She stood tall, did what she could to make amends for your dad's mistake and then picked up and moved here to help
you.
” Rick shook his head when Noah tried to argue. “I think
you're
the one who isn't standing up to the problem. Instead of facing the issues and dealing with them, you're hiding behind anger.” Rick's tone softened. “You hurt kids who only wanted to be friends with you, Noah. You did to them exactly what people did to you. You've got a lot of burned bridges to repair if you want to have real friends here.”

Cassie could stay silent no longer. “I'm not sure I understand everything you're saying, Rick.” She frowned at him. “But I wish you'd come to me with what you suspected about Noah. I feel like you've kept things hidden from me.”

Rick met her gaze and held it. “I'm sorry. I wanted to wait until you were more rested before I opened this wound. Now that everything's come to light, I'm sure Noah can clear up any questions you have.”

“I have quite a few.” She looked at her son. “You've made a lot of assumptions about me. You judged me and condemned me, but whether you believe it or not, everything I've done has been for you.” When Noah had no response, she said, “We'll talk at home. Get your things and let's go.”

“Cassie, I'm sorry—”

“Not now, Rick.” Cassie waited while Noah pulled sweatpants and a shirt over his training clothes. She couldn't shed her feelings of betrayal—Rick should have told her, should have clued her in. “Let's go, Noah.”

Rick walked them to the door. When Cassie looked into his eyes, she could think of nothing to say. Finally, she stepped outside into the snow, leaving Rick behind her as she wondered how everything had gone so horribly wrong.

She'd come over here to tell Rick she was in love with him. And now here she was, feeling betrayed, crushed, heartbroken.

How quickly things could change and fall apart.

What a fool she'd been.

Chapter Thirteen

C
assie had been gone all of two minutes when Rick grabbed his keys and dashed out the door to his car. He'd put off talking to her for so long now it was embarrassing. What kind of man hides from the truth the way he'd been hiding? And he called himself a pastor?

His heart was pounding as he drove to Lives. He was driving too fast, recklessly even. At the rate he was going, he'd probably get there before her, if he didn't end up crashing his car.

Breathe,
he told himself.
You're almost there. The truth is almost out. Just breathe.

When he pulled into the driveway, Cassie and Noah were about to go inside. Cassie nodded at her son as if to tell Noah to go ahead without her, and then she waited, arms crossed, for Rick to approach.

And when he did, she gave him a piece of her mind.

“I trusted you,” she said quietly. “I let go of all my inhibitions and I put my faith in you because I was certain you had our best interests at heart.”

“I do,” he said, chagrin under his quiet words.

“Do you?” she asked. There was a hard edge to her voice that Rick had never heard before. “It doesn't feel like you do when you're keeping Noah's deceit to yourself.”

“I didn't know it was deceit! But I was going to talk to you. I was waiting for the right time—”

“I was, too,” she whispered. “Do you know why I came to see you today, Rick? I was going to tell you that I thought we had something special between us. Now I'm wondering. I want so badly to trust you. I'm trying to trust you but you keep putting this distance between us.”

Rick couldn't deny it, and he offered no defense. With a heavy sigh, Cassie turned to go inside. He gripped her arm, halting her movement.

She turned, frowning at his hand on her arm, and said. “I feel like I don't know you or Noah.”

“You
don't
know me, Cassie. You shouldn't trust me because I don't deserve it.” Just saying those words made him feel lighter. He was getting closer. Closer to telling her everything.

“Why?” she asked, hesitantly.

It was time.

“Cassie, I am a much bigger cause of the trouble between you and father than you realize. Because of me, your father lost...everything. He lost his life savings, and money he had put aside for you and Noah. I'm the reason he couldn't help you when you needed him most.”

Cassie's face registered many emotions as she processed what Rick had just told her, but all she said was
“Tell me.”

Rick took a deep breath, air rushing into his lungs for what felt like the first time in months. “You know I grew up on the streets,” he began. “I was alone. Until I met your dad.”

“You told me about that.”

“John helped me graduate from high school, and he helped me get a scholarship to go to college where I majored in finance. I became a stockbroker. I was good at it. I took risks and they paid off. Hugely.” The irony of it all washed over him once again. “I had money enough for two lifetimes. I should have been satisfied, but taking risks became a game to me—how far could I go? The more risks I took, the wealthier my clients got and the more I needed to risk to get the high I craved. I was the golden boy of brokers.” He paused a moment, remembering those heady days with chagrin.

“What did you do to my father?” Cassie's voice snapped him back to the present.

He stared at her, his soul dark with guilt. “One of my clients was a publisher. I made him very wealthy with some high-risk investments. That gave him the idea to publish a series on high-risk, high-return investing for do-it-yourself investors. He asked me to write one book in a series he was publishing. My topic was risk-taking in the market.” Rick ran a hand through his hair as he tried to figure out how to continue.

“Okay.” She stared at him in confusion.

“It was a game to me, Cassie, a way to show off. I included every risky maneuver I'd ever tried in it and some new ones I was trying on my clients just so I could write about them. My name wasn't on the cover, so I thought, where's the risk?” He shook his head.

Cassie sat silent, her eyes widening with every word.

“I used your father's money for the riskiest move I ever made because I wanted to repay him for everything he'd done for me. His account built like crazy and I figured my approach was paying off. I put it in the book and it sold like crazy.”

Cassie's face said everything he knew she was thinking. If he was so wealthy, what was he doing here in Churchill, living in a dinky house, having to sell his guitar to raise funds for Michael's saxophone?

“I'm sorry but I don't see—”

“I thought I was invincible and I took one gamble too many,” he said, hating the words even as he said them. Guilt crushed him over the pain he'd caused with his arrogance. “I lost everything I owned and everything my clients had entrusted to me. I had a fiancée at the time—I lost her family's benevolent fund.” Rick swallowed. “And I lost the money your father had spent a lifetime saving.”

He waited as moments passed and his words sank in. Horror filled Cassie's face.

“That's why he wouldn't help me,” she said, understanding dawning.

“Yes. Because he couldn't. Because of me. Because of my greed.” Rick felt sick at the words. But he plowed on, desperate to confess everything. “Overnight I went from top of the heap to the bottom. I became the investment guru brought down by his own folly. I was a laughingstock. My friends didn't know me anymore. The woman I loved left me.”

“I'm sorry, Rick.” Cassie's brown eyes shone with tears.

“Don't be sorry for me, Cassie,” he ordered, angered by her tender response. “I got exactly what I deserved. I was showing off, showing them all that a kid from the street could beat the rich folks at their own game.”
Oh, Lord, forgive me for my pride.
“I used other people's life savings to get approval and acceptance. I cost families their homes, their futures. For God's sake, don't feel sorry for me.”

The sadness on Cassie's face—the tenderness—remained. It was almost more than Rick could bear.

“The worst thing is,
I
deserved to lose everything, but they didn't. Your father didn't. They all trusted me and I abused that trust.”

“You don't have to tell me this, Rick. It's none of my business,” Cassie whispered.

“Yes, it is! You're one of the people I hurt with my greed. My actions caused irreparable damage in your life and for that I am profoundly sorry.” Rick swallowed.

“What did my father do?” Cassie asked gently.

“I'd decided to end my life when your dad found me. He should have hated me for what I'd done to him.” The wonder of it was as profound now as it had been when it first happened. “Instead, your father helped me sober up. Then he told me that even though I'd made such a colossal mess of my life, God still had plans for me, good plans. I stayed with him and he helped me get straightened out. Every day he taught me about God. And when I decided I wanted to commit my life to Him, your father helped me get into seminary.”

“I'm glad he was there for you,” she said simply. There was no regret in her voice, no blame.

There should have been.

“The day I was ordained, I made a promise to God.” Rick summoned his courage—this was the last thing he had to confess to the beautiful woman standing in front of him, her gorgeous face radiating compassion he didn't deserve.

“Say it, Rick,” she whispered.

“I knew I could never make up for the lives I'd ruined. So I made a vow to give up my dreams and goals and dedicate my entire life to His cause.” He lifted his head and looked directly into Cassie's eyes. “That's why I've gotten so involved at Lives. Your dad helped me understand that my showboating, my high-living, my risk-taking was all a plea for someone to love me, to see past the kid who'd lived in the gutter and accept me as worthy of love. I was trying to fill a hole in my heart that no one but God could fill.”

She nodded as if she understood.

“That's why I work with the boys at Lives,” he said quietly. “I want them to know that no matter how bad it was, no matter what they did, they are loved, that I am there for them always.”

“The boys know that,” she said gently, her eyes shining.

“I hope so.” He struggled to resist the urge to reach for her, to pull her into his arms. He would never have the right to do that again. “I'm very touched that you care for me, Cassie. But you can't waste your love on me. I promised God I'd atone for my guilt by giving up the one thing I've always longed for—a family of my own, someone to love. Someone who loves me.”

Cassie was silent for a very long time, studying him. He held her gaze, forcing himself to stand up to her scrutiny. “You're saying that you're trying to make up for your mistakes by never letting yourself love, is that it?”

In the depths of her brown eyes, Rick could suddenly see unfathomable pain. “So instead of filling that empty spot in your soul with money, now you're going to fill it with duty.”

“If you want to put it that way.”

“Tell me something, Rick. Do you love me?”

The words crashed over him like a tidal wave. Every fiber of his being wanted to tell her
yes.
“It doesn't matter,” he said.

“It does to me. Answer the question.”

He knew that he owed her the truth, as painful as it was to admit. “Yes, Cassie, I do.” He watched as her eyes filled with tears. “But nothing can come of it. I'm in debt to God,” Rick said somberly.

“A debt of love, which you are trying to repay with sacrifice,” she murmured.

“Cassie, I don't deserve to love and be loved. Keeping my vow is the only way I know to atone for what I've done.” He raked a hand through his hair, wishing he could make her understand.

She simply looked at him.

“I wish I could erase it all. I wish I could be the man you need, the man you think you love. But even if I could, what I've done would always stand between us.” Rick desperately craved the sound of her voice, her touch on his hand, something. But she remained still and silent. “I have to keep my vow. That's why there can never be anything between us. I'm sorry, Cassie.”

“So am I, Rick.” With one last look at him, Cassie silently turned and disappeared inside Lives.

Rick stood there a moment, stunned by the overwhelming waves of loss that swamped him. He ached to hold this woman he'd come to love. He hadn't meant to love her, but it had happened because he'd lost sight of his promise. Once again he'd failed God.

In that moment, Rick knew the time had come to leave Churchill.

His spirit felt lost, cast adrift, decimated at the thought of never again seeing Cassie and Noah.

Lord? Where are you? Help me, please.
No response. Had God abandoned him because he'd forgotten his vow?

After Easter, after the kids had presented their cantata, he'd leave this place he'd come to love, this place that seemed like home.

And once he was away from here, maybe Rick could find a way to end this desperate need to have Cassie in his arms, in his heart, in his life.

* * *

Cassie entered Lives feeling as if she'd been knocked to the ground not once but twice. First Noah's demoralizing tirade had rocked her world. Then Rick's bombshell explanation that his love for her could never be realized had doused the joy she'd reveled in earlier. Life had seemed full of possibilities this morning—now it seemed empty.

Noah stood waiting in the hall.

“My room,” she said to him quietly. “You and I are going to talk.”

Noah shot her a dark look, but did as she asked. Cassie closed the door, suddenly overwhelmed. Tears that could not be suppressed rose in a great tide of sadness and she let them fall, unable to stem her sobs. “Mom?” Noah gazed at her uncertainly. “D-don't cry, Mom.”

The tears kept flowing. “All I wanted when I decided to move us here was for you to be happy. But you're not. I've done everything wrong.”

“No, y-you haven't,” he said.

“Then how do you explain the fact that you've been hurting other people intentionally, Noah?” she demanded, dashing away the tears from her cheeks. “The worst thing is, you hurt them to make yourself feel better. Do you realize you could be sent to jail, just like the boys at Lives have?”

“It's m-my fault.” Noah closed his eyes. “I kn-know it d-doesn't h-help now, b-but I'm r-really sorry, Mom.”

“Why are you sorry?” she demanded, afraid to believe in him.

“I d-didn't realize what I was doing t-to you and to R-Rick.” Shame suffused his face and he looked down at the floor. “I n-never meant t-to hurt him. I n-never realized—” He choked up. Several moments passed before he could speak again. “H-He's always been g-good to me. I d-didn't think—”

“That's the thing, isn't it?” Cassie said. “You didn't think how your actions would affect Rick or anyone else, including me.”

“Y-You?” He frowned.

“Think about it. What happens if you get into trouble? Do you think the government will want the mother of a kid with a criminal record working with troubled kids?”

Shock covered his face. “I d-didn't—”

“Think that far ahead? Everything we do in this life has ramifications, Noah. You throw a stone and the ripples spread out far and wide.” She closed her eyes. “I thought you were mature enough to realize that, especially after what happened when your father died. I guess I was wrong.”

Noah sat down on the side of the bed as if a heavy responsibility weighed him down. “I'm s-so sorry,” he whispered. “I was angry b-because you didn't treat me like the m-man of the family, but I d-don't deserve that. I was s-stupid.”