Love Is... (3.5) (10 page)

I’ve had offers from men since I’ve been here and I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t been tempted. I miss his arms around me, I miss his lips on mine but I know though that jumping into bed with a second rate stand-in will only make me feel a million times worse and put the final nail in the coffin. Rafe knows that too I guess as he called me this morning to admit his own near miss.

I missed his first call because I was in the shower but he called me back another three times until I answered. He nearly slept with someone else last night. When he told me I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach, I wanted to end the call but Rafe begged me to listen.

‘I needed you Matthew, I miss you touching me, holding me…in my drunken state I thought that somebody else could ease that ache, but I knew as soon as he kissed me that nobody could replace you, ever. I’m sorry.’

The mental image of Rafe kissing another man made me want to rip my apartment apart but I understood his words, his need.

Once he had said all that he needed to say we ended the call. I sat still for a long time confused about where this leaves us, but I had to put it out of my mind for now, I had to go to work.

Its Sunday today, and my birthday. I’ve just woken up on my thirty first morning in my home for the foreseeable future and I should be filled with optimism about all of the opportunities that New York can bring and already is bringing, but all I can think about is the fact that I should be waking up to breakfast in bed with the love of my life.

There’s a knock at the door. I’m not really in the mood for Karen from next door’s daily ‘Good Morning’ call, so I ignore it. There’s another. I’m pretty sure I’ve never told her that today is my birthday but it wouldn’t surprise me if the crazy lady knows anyway and is standing there with flowers and gifts.

“Ugh!” I groan and put down my coffee cup as I stand and make my way to the door. I feel like a stroppy teenager as I stomp across the apartment and swing the door open. “Oh my god!” I gasp, I feel like I could pass out as Rafe smiles and holds up his bags.

“I couldn’t wait for you!” He laughs and I pull him to me kissing him and feeling like I might never stop.

We spent time catching up as though it’d been a year since we’d seen one another. As we lay in my new bed drinking the sight of each other in, I realise that the apartment felt like home now, all it needed was Rafe. I’ll only be in New York for five more weeks and then I’m going home, I can’t be without him.

“What’s happening with the café?” I ask in between kisses on his chest,

“Rosie and Sophie are taking care of it, with a bit of help from Pip when she’s about. They all came to the airport with me to make sure I got on the plane and didn’t have a panic attack about them burning the place down!”

I laugh and realise how hard it must have been for Rafe to leave his business to come to support me while I improve mine.

“I’m glad you got on the plane Rafe. I know we said we would try but I thought it was over.” I take a breath and Rafe moves so that he’s above me,

“I did too for a while, but I couldn’t let it be over. This is big Matthew, real true bloody heart wrenching love, you’re everything to me. What I nearly did…” Rafe looks at me and I shake my head, we’re not going there. “Ok, suck it up and get dressed, I need food!” Rafe winks and kisses me briefly before moving off the bed and starting to dress. I just watch until he smiles and throws me my t-shirt from the floor.

Rafe and I spent the next couple of days exploring the tourist attractions of the city, eating amazing food and making memories. We walked hand in hand in Central Park and enjoyed the crisp November days; we took a boat to the Statue of Liberty and took stupid photos from a distance that looked like we were balancing her on various parts of our bodies. We went to the top of the empire state building and cheered as a guy got down on one knee and proposed to his tearful boyfriend. At that moment I looked at Rafe to see him so happy for these people that we don’t know and I imagined our moment, that special instant where one of us says yes to the other and took his hand in mine. I can’t wait.

Over dinner Rafe told me that he couldn’t sit twiddling his thumbs while he’s here, so we agreed that he would be my assistant, help me manage my diary and even help me with some of my classes. The idea of working together really excited me, I know he’s organised and he’s a great teacher so I knew it would work out well.

As I watched him unpack his bags and hang his clothes next to mine I felt for the first time that coming to New York was not only a good thing for my business, but it would be great for me and Rafe.

One thing is for sure, I never want to be more than a couple of hours away from him again.

Rafe

“That’s a nice one.”  Matthew points out a really lovely Christmas tree, but I’ve spotted the one that I want.

“Nope, it’s horrible. This one however…” I stand proudly next to the seven foot tree and smile. Matthew laughs,

“Rafe, we have to carry it home.” He turns back to the one that he pointed out,

“Well, you’re a strong guy, you’ll be fine! We’ll take this one please.”

I pay the guy manning the till and smiling, join Matthew to pick up the tree. After strapping it to the top of his car and warning him to drive carefully so that we don’t lose all the needles, we make our way home.

“Rafe, for fucks sake, the five foot one would have done!” Matthew laughs as we try to manoeuvre the huge tree up the narrow staircase to the flat.

“You know me baby, bigger is always better! Oh shit!”

I stumble backwards, landing on my arse on the stairs and getting buried in Christmas tree, I can do nothing but laugh. I hear Matthew’s deep laughter from the other end of the tree and it just causes me to crack up more.

After about ten minutes of trying to compose ourselves and another fifteen trying to get the tree inside, we’re able to stand back and admire the beautiful Christmas tree in our living room.

We’ve only been home from New York for a couple of days but were excited to get ready for our first Christmas together. We picked up some amazing decorations for the flat while we were over there and I’m looking forward to trimming up.

“It is a lovely tree Rafe, but next year I’m choosing!”

I kiss Matthew and smile, there’s no way that’s happening.

“Merry Christmas baby!”

I open my eyes and nearly pass straight back out. Matthew is kneeling up on the bed wearing a Santa hat and red boxers.

“Is it wrong to find the hat sexy?” I smile as I hook my finger into the waistband of the boxers and tug Matthew down to me. He laughs,

“Hmm, older man who brings you presents. Do you have a sugar daddy fantasy Rafael?”

I laugh in response as I roll over forcing Matthew onto his back beneath me.

“You’re the only fantasy I need. Merry Christmas Matthew.”

Matthew gave me my Christmas present in the form of a blow job and Christmas morning lay, and then my actual Christmas present, a trip to Rome next June. I bought him the kettle bells that he wanted and a voucher book for sexual favours as well as a few other things. We had a great day, it was weird to not be at home with my family but given the current atmosphere between me and Rosie, I thought it was best to avoid her like the plague. Plus, it was nice that our first Christmas together was just us.

Rosie gets married in a few days, to a man that I despise and I can’t bear it. She’s my little sister and I hate to see her allowing herself to be treated like shit. He doesn’t respect her at all, and she doesn’t respect herself anymore, the old Rosie would never be walked over like this.

My Mam and Dad called to wish Matthew and I a Merry Christmas but Rosie didn’t come to the phone, she hasn’t called or text me since we argued. I know she’s pissed at me, but I had every right to say the things I said.

When we got back from New York, Rosie and Pippa came for a drink with me and Matthew to welcome us home. We’d all had a few too many and the conversation soon turned to the wedding. Despite Matthew’s warnings to shut up, I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore.

“Rosie, he’s a dick. You need to get out now while you still can. Once that ring is on your finger he will suck the life out of you. He’s a fucking vampire Rosie!”

“Rafe shut up, I’m marrying him, and you live with his brother so just shut up!”

“Matthew is nothing like Michael Rosetta and you know it. When did you become such a mug?”

“Fuck you Rafael. I’m marrying him, and you’re no longer welcome to be there!”

For once in my life I was speechless.

“Rafe, come on, let’s go!”

Matthew pretty much dragged me out of the bar and gave me the bollocking of my life. He told me that I’d been a twat tonight and regardless of his feelings towards Michael, he was still his brother and I should be more mindful of that. He told me not to contact Rosie and give her time to calm down, but apparently she still hasn’t. I’ve text her and tried to apologise but I’ve had no response.

“Rafe put your phone down and come here.”

Matthew knows that I’m checking for a response and distracts me by leaning back into the sofa and opening up his arms to me. He calms me down in an instant. I love him.

“Rosie,” I’m shocked as I open the door to the flat on Boxing Day morning, “Come in.” I’m sheepish, embarrassingly so.

“Rafe, I’m not staying long but I needed to see you,” I’m so worried, I can’t have my sister write me out of her life for good. “I miss you. Christmas was truly shit without you, so much so that I made Michael drive us home at five am. I love you Rafe but you need to accept that I’m marrying him. I need you there with me Rafe, please just be there for me.”

I realise that I have to accept this. If she gets hurt, I’ll be there, but for now I just need to hug my sister and tell her that I’ll be by her side.

“I love you sis, I’m sorry.”

I take a deep breath as I look in the mirror. Matthew’s hands appear from behind me and then his head on my shoulder.

“You look so handsome Rafe.” He smiles and I turn to face him.

“So do you, can’t we just stay here?”

Matthew laughs and kisses me before adjusting my tie and then turning away.

“I’m leaving now. I’ll see you at the hotel ok? I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Matthew heads out of the flat and I turn to look at myself once more,

“Well Rafe, here we go!”

I arrived at the hotel before everyone. I checked the set up and made sure that the canapés were ready for after the ceremony. I made sure that the guests felt welcome and made their way inside out of the cold. As I headed back into the lobby I saw Matthew walking towards me, he looked angry and I knew why without him telling me.

I see red. I walk past him and head for the doors, I’ll kill him.

“Rafe, where are you going?”

I stop and spin to face him,

“I’m going to drag that little shit here. He’s not doing this to my sister Matthew!”

“He’s not there Rafe! Do you really think I wouldn’t have dragged him here myself if he was? I got his text just before I got to his hotel. I banged on the door for a while then reception told me he’d checked out. His phone is off Rafe.”

I am pacing, I’m aware that I’m doing it but can’t stop. I want to tear Michael to shreds and hate that I don’t know where he is. How am I going to tell Rosie?

As I’m debating calling her I hear my Mam saying my name.

“Rafael, what’s the matter?”

Mam and Pippa are just as angry when I tell them that Michael isn’t coming. Pippa is ready to go and find him and rip his head off, Mam is panicking and doesn’t know what to do other than blabber on about making sure there are no guests around to see Rosie arrive. Matthew is still trying to get hold of Michael, leaving him frantic voicemail after voicemail and I know I need to warn Rosie. I dial my Dad’s number and lift the phone to my ear when I hear Pippa sigh. Rosie’s here.

“What is it?” I hear Rosie ask Pippa but she doesn’t need an answer. “Daddy, he’s not coming!”

She immediately turns and walks back towards the exit. I know she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want to make eye contact with me for fear of an ‘I told you so’ but I need her to know that I was here for her. I make my way towards my sister.

“Rosie, wait!”  Pippa chases after Rosie and passes me as Mam fills Dad in on the situation “He’s a prick Rosie, I’m so sorry.”

“Did he call anyone? Or has he just not bothered coming?” Her voice is monotone as she answers, ghostly in comparison to the rage in Pippa’s response.

“No, he sent Matthew.”

“Ginge, I’m so sorry!” Matthew passes me and pulls Rosie into a hug, kissing the top of her head. He feels responsible for this; I can see it in his body language. “He’s such a dick, I’m so sorry. You look so beautiful.”

I listened as Matthew filled Rosie in on the fact that he didn’t know where Michael was. He apologised profusely and told Rosie that he’d tell the guests. He was so caring towards her and Rosie to him. She assured him that he held no blame. Seeing them together like this made me so happy, I only wish that their relationship was blossoming under nicer circumstances.

“Mam, Dad, I’m going home. Are you coming?” Rosie climbed back into the VW campervan along with Pippa and my parents. Matthew told me to go, he’d join me soon. I said goodbye, kissed him and joined my family.

As we pulled away I watched Matthew walk into the hotel with his head hanging, completely ashamed of his twin, and I felt angry for both him and Rosie, Michael will pay for this, one way or another.

“Open the door you little shit, I know you’re in there!”

I’ve been banging on Michael’s door for ten minutes already. I can hear his phone ringing when I dial his number so I know he’s in there but he’s a coward.

I got word from a friend of mine that he’d seen Michael taking some bags into the flat next door this morning and I came straight over. After what he did to my sister last week the little prick has only just surfaced, thank god that he chose to move in next to Seth or I might never have known where to find him.

“I promise you, I will break this fucking door down Michael!”

I kick the door three times, not hard enough to bust it open or do too much damage, but enough to let him know I’m serious.

“Rafe do you seriously think I’m that stupid? I’m not opening this door to you; I know what you’ll do!”

It speaks.

“Michael, what I’ll do if you don’t open it and face me is ten times worse I assure you of that!” I take a breath; he’s not going to open it if I don’t calm down. “I’m not going to hurt you, but we need to talk.” 

“I have my phone in my hand Rafe, and it’s ready to call the police if I need to!”

I’m tempted to tell him that even if he needed to, he wouldn’t have the time to, or the use of his fingers … but I think again.

“You won’t need to call the police Michael; I’m not going to do anything.”

There’s a pause and then the door opens. I fight my rage as I lay my eyes on the weasel.

“Can I come in?” I ask calmly.

“I guess so.” He is nervous, unsure and scared … I take sick pleasure in his squirming,

As soon as he closes the door I launch myself towards him, my hand around his throat pinning him to the wall.

“Rafe…” He squeaks, “You promised!”

“And I meant it, I’m not going to hurt you but you need to know how serious I am. I am glad that you didn’t marry my sister Michael because I fucking despise you. You’re a worthless pathetic cunt that didn’t deserve a second glance from Rosie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful in some ways that she gave you the time of day because I have Matthew, but if you ever contact her again, I’ll fucking kill you. Is that clear?” My voice is cold, calm and menacing and as I eyeball him for an answer he just nods. “You humiliated her Michael,” I release him and he doubles over clutching his throat. “Stay the fuck away, I mean it.”

I leave Michael’s flat and head for the front doors of the building, revelling in the sound of him snivelling and crying in the open doorway.

“Ro, we can’t.”

It’s a week since the wedding that wasn’t and Rosie is trying to convince Matthew and me to take her honeymoon to the Maldives, but it just feels wrong.

“Rafael, you can. Michael paid for it but stupidly put me as the lead name, so just piss on his chips and go will you. It’ll be about eighty quid to change the names and then you’ll be away. Sun, sand, a private villa over the seas and the man of your dreams. Go Rafe, please.”

I smiled and she knew the deal was done. I guess we’re going to The Maldives.

“Ok, so it’s Mr and Mrs…”

The travel agent ignores the fact that there are two men sitting in front of her and presses for a surname.

“No, it’s Mr and Mr,” I hold my hand to my chest, “Alvez and…”

“So Mr and Mr Alvez then?”

I stutter slightly at the sound of that, we could share a name one day. The idea thrills me and Matthew laughs next to me.

“No sweetheart, he’s Mr Alvez, I’m Mr English. Here are our passports if that makes it easier.”

He takes my hands and I know the name thing didn’t pass him by.

“Ok, that’s all done, enjoy your honeymoon!”

We don’t bother correcting her as we leave the shop laughing; we are going on honeymoon, just not ours.

“This really is bloody paradise!”

I flop down onto a sunbed on our terrace as Matthew dangles his feet over the edge. The villa really is over the sea, there are thick glass panels in the floor throughout where you can see the fish swimming underneath. We have a huge bathtub and the bathroom has floor to ceiling windows that look out to sea, there’s nothing ahead of us for miles.