Love Is... (3.5) (9 page)

I watched with satisfaction as each of the photos sent successfully to Cain’s phone and held Patsy when she cried at the realisation that her relationship was over.

I could have told her who he was to me, I could have made her hate him with all that I knew, but there was no point. She’s a beautiful girl with a lot to offer the right man, making her bitter about losing the wrong one would achieve nothing.

I paid for a room for Patsy so that she didn’t have to go back to him. They were both due to fly back to London tomorrow too and I didn’t want to be faced with him at the airport so I went online as soon as she left and changed my flight. I had to leave earlier which meant that I wouldn’t get any sleep, but I’d be back to Rafe sooner than expected.

As I passed Patsy’s room I slipped a note and my business card under the door.

I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince. Cain is a toad, but you are definitely a princess. Don’t let him back in, don’t give up on love.

Call me if you want to grab a beer back in the capital.

Matthew

X

As I boarded my flight I felt a strange sense of peace. I never have to go through that pain again, I have ‘the one’ and I couldn’t possibly be any happier.

Rafe

“I feel sick.”

Matthew leans forward in his seat, resting his head in his hands as I swallow down the lump in my throat. The time is fast approaching for him to make his way through to departures and once he’s gone, I’ve lost him.

Three Weeks Ago

“Best seven months of my life baby, I can’t wait to see what the future holds.” I hold up my glass to Matthew’s as we celebrate our seven month anniversary. The renovations to the flat are finished now and life is great. He hasn’t had to go away with work as much lately so I’ve been waking up next to him every day. I’m so in love it’s ridiculous.

“Me too Rafe, I love you.”

Matthew seems happy but distracted tonight and as we lie in post sex bliss I press him to find out why.

“What’s wrong? You’re not losing interest are you?” I run my fingers through his hair until he moves to look up at me.

“No Rafe, not even a little bit.” He sighs, “I wanted to wait to discuss this with you, but it’s eating me up.” Matthew lifts himself up and sits opposite me on the sofa. “Rafe, I’ve been offered an incredible opportunity, a six figure deal, TV appearances, a DVD and book of training tips.” He’s looks excited.

“Wow! Matthew that’s amazing, why didn’t you tell me sooner? I’m so happy for you.”

“I have to move to New York.”

There’s silence as what he said sinks in, then he continues.

“It’s three months Rafe, that’s all. You could come with me.” Matthew leans forward and takes my hands in his.

“Three months,” I repeat on a deep breath and imagine not waking up next to him for that long. “I can’t leave the café Matthew, not for that long.”

He looks me in the eyes and I know that he can’t say no to this. We don’t say anything for what feels like hours, I can’t believe that I found the man that I want to be with and I’m losing him already.

“We can make it work Rafe, with Skype and Facebook. I’ll email you every day. This isn’t the end.”

“Long distance doesn’t work Matthew, it just doesn’t. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not losing me Rafe. Wait for me, please.”

I agreed to wait, and I meant it. But as the three weeks leading up to Matthew’s departure passed by, it felt more and more like we were saying goodbye. We spent days doing things that we’d talked about doing since we met, making sure that we made those memories before it was too late. Matthew packed up his things in the flat and stored them all in the spare room, neither of us questioned it but we both knew it was because it wouldn’t work. I was certain when I heard him on the phone discussing an apartment in New York that he wasn’t going to be coming home.

We went to dinner with family and friends so that he could say goodbye to them all and it felt so final. The night before his flight we ate Chinese food in front of the TV and watched Match of the Day, we hardly spoke, I couldn’t.

We went to bed and lay side by side, facing each other with our linked hands on the mattress between us. I couldn’t believe this was it.

“You need to go through Matthew, you’ll be boarding soon.”

I lean back in the plastic seat as I watch the love of my life’s flight number flash on the screen in front of me. Matthew takes a deep breath and stands, picking up his bag and clearing his throat before making eye contact with me. This is it.

We walk slowly, hand in hand and in complete silence towards the security barrier then stop. As Matthew’s bag hits the floor I can’t contain the tears that I’ve been fighting anymore. I feel his arms around my neck and wrap mine around his back, holding him tight as we both cried with the realisation that this is it.

“Rafe…” Matthew says only my name before taking my face in his hands and kissing me. I feel his thumbs wipe away the tears on my cheeks but I can’t open my eyes, I don’t want to see him leave. “Rafael, look at me.” I force my eyes open, “I love you, and I will always love you. We can try can’t we?”

He looks into my eyes with so much sadness and desperation that I can’t speak, I just nod. We can try.

“You have to go Matthew, I can’t stand this.”

He reaches down to pick up his bag and I blow out a long breath in an attempt to control the emotion that is washing over me.

“Wait for me Rafe, please. Just wait.”

I kiss him, tell him that I love him and watch with tears in my eyes as he walks away and out of sight with tears in his. He’s gone.

I’m a zombie as I get into the car. I don’t remember the walk to the car park at all, all I could see was Matthew disappearing from my life, the sight played on replay, torturing me with each step I took.

I turn the key in the ignition and the stereo lights up. Adele’s Make You Feel My Love is playing on the radio and I freeze. I remember listening to this as I poured us wine, that was the first night that we slept together, day thirty. I realise that I hate ‘thirty days’ now, if I’d known we’d only have six months, I never would have wasted one of them.

I sit and listen to the song as I replay the last six months in my mind. I love him more than I knew it was possible to love someone, but I don’t think I can wait for something that’s never going to happen. He’s going to love New York; he’s going to be successful because he’s amazing. I’ve lost him, I’m certain of that.

“Right come on, he’s been gone for three weeks Rafe, you’re still in touch and he’ll be back soon.”

Pippa is trying to cheer me up but I’m just done in. I’m not sleeping, I miss everything about Matthew. I miss having someone to hold me, I miss physical contact, I miss sex!

“Pip, I just don’t think I can do it. I resigned myself to us being over and that long distance doesn’t work, but neither of us are willing to cut the ties. I’m done Pip, I need him with me, here or it needs to be over.”

Our relationship actually being over is the last thing that I want. I think subconsciously I think that my diva strop will mean that Matthew will just miraculously appear at the door and tell me that he’s sorry for leaving, but of course that isn’t going to happen. The thought of us actually calling it quits kills me, but I hate him being so far away.

“Carvalho, I need a drink…We’re going out!”

Pippa squeals and heads into her bedroom to get ready. I don’t care what I look like; I just need to feel numb.

Tequila! I swear it was brought to earth directly from hell. It turns my sister into an absolute bitch and it is almost solely to blame for all of my mistakes. Including the one that I’m about to make.

I slam the shot glass down on the table and look into the eyes of David. He’s an old friend of mine and made a beeline for Pippa and me as soon as we walked in. Who am I kidding? David and I were never friends, we were fuck buddies.

“So, are you still with that amazing boyfriend of yours then?” David rolls his eyes as if to belittle the relationship that I have, had with Matthew.

“Technically, there’s a small matter of the Atlantic Ocean between us though.” I sip my drink and David looks at me confused. “He’s in New York, been there a month, got another two to go.” I know that I don’t look happy about it, David laughs.

“So, what you’re telling me is that you, Rafe Alvez AKA the biggest sex drive in London, hasn’t had sex for a month? Unless you’ve dabbled elsewhere?”

“I haven’t, and I haven’t!” I sip my drink again and David smiles at me before licking his bottom lip. I’ve seen the look a hundred times before, I know what it means and I’m either too drunk or too stupid to ignore it.

I stand and hold out my hand to him. “Come on.”

As David and I start to make our way upstairs I feel a hand on my arm pulling me back.

“Rafe, don’t!”

It’s Pippa and she’s looking at me with serious concern clear in her eyes.

“Pippa, I know what I’m doing.” I start to make my way up again but she runs ahead of me and stops me in my tracks.

“Do you? Rafe if you do this, it’s done. Really! Do you think Matthew will accept this?”

“Pip, I don’t care. Right now, this is what I need.”

I bypass a stunned Pippa and head up the remaining stairs, pulling a smug looking David behind me.

“Lock the door!”

My heart is pounding. What the hell am I doing?

I know I’m making a huge mistake, one that I really don’t even want to make, but I just feel lost. I need him and he isn’t here. I can’t explain my reasoning, wait yes I can … Tequila.

David wastes no time moving in for the kill, pinning me against the side of the cubicle and invading my mouth with his tongue. I kiss him back but it feels off, I don’t like it.  I feel David’s hands at my belt and he moves to kiss my jaw and that spot beneath my ear, Matthew’s spot. Oh god, I can’t do this, I can’t lose him!  I push David away to the opposite wall.

“What?” He looks at me surprised and I unlock the door.

“I can’t do this David, I’m sorry.”

I make my way out of the cubicle, out of the toilets and narrowly avoid flattening a waiting Pippa.

“You didn’t?” she asks,

“I didn’t.” I shake my head and take her hand, “Let’s go home.”

“Oh babe!”

Rosie throws her arms around me as I open the door to the flat and Pippa holds up a bottle of wine behind her. We make our way inside and sit on the sofa. As my sister takes my hand in hers, I break down.

I don’t cry often. I’m not a particularly emotional person normally, but I can do nothing else at the moment. I don’t know what to do with myself.

“It’s over. I can’t believe it but it is. Long distance doesn’t work Ro. I nearly fucked someone else!”

“But you didn’t! And I’d normally be inclined to agree with you Rafe, but I’ve never seen you like this. I knew you loved him Rafe, but I didn’t know that it was enough to affect you like this.”

“Rosie’s right babe, you can’t throw it away. He’s the one!” Pippa has sat on the other side of me and is pouring three far too large glasses of wine as she speaks.

“I can’t wait for him though, what if he never comes home?”

“Then go to him Rafe, what’s stopping you?” Rosie is serious and I look her in the eyes as though she’s just said the most stupid thing that I’ve ever heard. “Oh god Rafe, Sophie is more than capable of taking care of the café!”

“Not on her own Rosie, not for two months. I can’t leave her in charge for that long and you know it.”

She’s quiet for a moment and takes a sip of wine before turning into face me head on.

“What about me?”

“What?” I don’t have any idea what she’s talking about, and my head is starting to hurt.

“I’ll look after the café Rafe, with Sophie’s help. By the time you go, it won’t be two months anyway it’ll be closer to one.  I’ll pull Pip in for a few shifts as well. We can do it Rafe, go to him.”

It takes a moment of looking into her emerald eyes to realise that she’s deadly serious and when I do, my heart swells to ten times its normal size. I love my sister more than I can say.

I pull Rosie tight to me and thank her over and over again as she laughs and protests that I’m squeezing the life out her,

“Quick Pip, get the laptop before he crushes me to death! Let’s book you a flight bro!”

Matthew

It’s been the hardest three weeks of my life.

The flight over here was eight hours of sheer misery. Rafe and I agreed that we would wait for each other but realistically, we both know that it’s over. I don’t know what this trip holds for me but I do know that the opportunities to expand my business here are massive, and I don’t expect to be ready to go home after three months.

I called him when I arrived and he sounded like he was doing a bit better than me, but not much. Pippa and Rosie were going over to the flat and taking wine. I knew they’d look after him.  Rafe asked for the address of my apartment so that he could write to me and send me a birthday present when November rolls around, so I emailed it over to him when I moved in but it didn’t feel quite right, I didn’t expect us to still be in touch then.

It’s a gorgeous apartment, but it’s not home. It’s big and modern; it’s full of contemporary furniture and has a terrace looking out at the sky scrapers above and the sea of people and yellow cabs below. It’s surreal, I’ve seen it all in movies my entire life and always imagined that it would feel amazing to live here, but right now, it just feels lonely.

I pretty much slept all day when I arrived. I stayed in a hotel the first night so just ordered room service when I woke up, watched a bit of TV and went back to sleep. Hearing Rafe’s voice when I called him was comforting and torturous at the same time. I love him so much; I wish we could try to make it work.

In the time that I have been here we have continued to talk, more than I expected actually, but it would be so much easier if we hadn’t. I couldn’t expect Rafe to wait for me, but the thought of admitting that it’s over kills me.