Love Is... (3.5) (14 page)

Rafe

“Are you sure about this Lou?”

I am nervous. Louise and I get on really well and the baby wouldn’t be hers biologically, but she’d be carrying it for nine months and then be Auntie Louise for the rest of her life. I just don’t know if it will work.

“Rafe, Matthew is like a brother to me. I adore him, I adore you and I will be completely honoured to help you have a baby. So yes, I’m sure.”

Matthew wraps his arms around Louise as I top up our wine glasses. I guess we’re officially trying for a baby.

Two Months Ago

“Ok, this one has been a surrogate twice before. She maintains a great relationship with the families that she has helped. She is in a loving lesbian relationship, so I guess that means she gets it?”

Matthew and I are looking through the list of potential surrogates that the clinic gave to us, but it’s so hard to choose someone to carry your child. The whole situation is just so surreal.

“Maybe, I’m just so worried that we’ll pick the wrong one and she’ll want to keep the baby or something will go wrong.”

“Rafe, the child won’t biologically be hers so she’d have no claim on it, and if she’s done it before, what can go wrong?” Matthew is a lot more convinced than me that there’s nothing to worry about.

“I know, I’m just scared. It would be so much easier if we knew someone that would do it for us. I’d just feel happier.”

“You do!” Matthew and I turn as Louise walks out of the bathroom in her pyjamas with a towel wrapped around her head. “I’ll do it!”

She said that like it was the most normal thing in the world.

“You would carry a child for us?” Matthew sits forward to question his best friend.

“Are you thick? You’re my best friend, you can’t get pregnant, and I can. I’d be honoured! Frankly I’m a little insulted that you didn’t ask!”

We sit back on the sofa in stunned silence as we let everything sink in. Why didn’t we ask?

“It’s a long hard process Lou, lots of hormones and doctors fishing around in there. You wouldn’t be able to drink or smoke, or have unprotected sex.”

“Well, you paint me to be a real model citizen there babe, thank you,” She’s as sarcastic as Matthew can be, “you’re like a brother to me, I will do whatever you need me to do.” Louise is sitting forward and speaking sincerely, Matthew is quiet for a moment and then he moves over to the other sofa to pull Lou into a hug.

“Thank you so much Lou, I can’t thank you enough.”

“Right then, I am officially clear of any STIs and I do not have HIV, which is good to know.”

Louise reads out her test results as Matthew hands her a bacon sandwich. She has been living with us for two months now, and is staying while we go through this first cycle of IVF, we’ll see what happens from there. We’ve asked her to stay with us for the entirety of her pregnancy, if she gets pregnant that is, but she didn’t sound too keen on being a lady of leisure and so far from home for a whole year.

“Well, that’s not exactly news Lou!” Matthew laughs and slumps next to her on the sofa as I look on. “So what’s next?”

“Mock cycle! I become a pin cushion and see how my body responds to the hormones. Then get to lie back while a doctor shoves his hand up my foof and draws a roadmap of it, ready for the real deal I guess.”

Louise smiles and Matthew looks at her concerned.

“You don’t sound like you’re happy with all this Lou. You don’t have to do it, you know.”

Louise obviously realises how she must sound and she appears embarrassed as she turns to Matthew.

“I want to, I promise I do. You know me, I’m hormonal at the best of times. This is all pretty scary that’s all and sarcasm is what I do best. I’m totally committed to making this happen for you guys. I’m sorry if I appeared otherwise.”

Louise is a saint. Over the next few weeks she had to inject herself, take pills and get prodded and poked all over the place, but the outcome was exactly what we had hoped for. The doctor confirmed that she is ready to start a real cycle.

“The egg retrieval went very well. A selection of our finest swimmers is being introduced as we speak and then in a few days, they’ll be popped in the oven.”

“Wow Rafael, you speak so romantically about it!” Rosie is sarcastic as I update her on the progress.

“Well, it’s not like we can conceive a child naturally is it Ro? It is clinical, that’s the nature of the beast.”

“I know bro, I am excited for you. How’s Louise doing with it all?”

“I can’t complain. She’s putting her body through so much for us but my god sis, she’s a bitch at times. Why do you women turn into the devil when you’re hormonal?”

Rosie laughs, “You’re asking a half Spanish, half Irish, red headed pregnant woman that question? You’re brave, I’m either going to kill you or cry!”

I lean in and kiss my sister on the cheek, she’s been so supportive of what we’re going through and given that only her and Jackson know outside of Matthew, Lou and I, Rosie has been my rock.

Louise has been an absolute nightmare; she either cries or snaps at us and is getting worse by the day. I can’t say that to her of course but my god, she’s worse than Rosie and Pippa put together at ‘that’ time of the month, and I know, I lived with them.

All I can do is be supportive and buy her as much chocolate as she can eat. Matthew has been great too, he’s taken some time off work to take care of Lou and make sure that she’s resting. It’s so nerve-wracking to know that it’s completely out of our hands now. Three embryos were implanted and four have been put on ice, now we just have to wait, and take the best care of Lou that we can.

Now that the implantation has been done Lou has chilled out slightly. She keeps apologising for being a bitch and crying, maybe that’s a good sign…pregnancy hormones kicking in? Just a few more days to wait and we’ll know for sure.

“Answer it then!”

Matthew is nervous and snapping at Louise to take the doctor’s call. It’s the day that we find out if she is pregnant. Although we know that there’s always a chance of a negative result, everything just feels right. Louise says that her body feels different and she thinks she must be pregnant. Matthew and I have lay in bed each night and tried to be realistic about today, but we could only envision a positive result.

“Hello,” Louise answers the ringing phone, silencing Lady GaGa and leaving my heart pounding in my chest and Matthew takes my hand.

“Yes, that’s me…ok….right…right…yes I understand that…ok…thank you…bye.”

She hangs up the phone and is unreadable as she takes a breath and then turns to face us. The tears in her eyes give it away first.

“I’m so sorry.”

Louise starts to cry and Matthew rushes to her side. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach. She’s not pregnant.

Louise cried for a solid hour while Matthew comforted her. She said she felt like a failure, a terrible friend, a let-down. I was just in total shock. I’d not allowed myself to consider that it might not work, not really. Matthew was more concerned with Lou than his or my feelings but when she fell asleep a little while later he broke down.

We cried together for a while, and then lay on the sofa holding each other. Katy Perry and John Mayor soothed us from the iPod dock as we started to discuss our next move.

“I’m not sure if we can put her through that again. It hurts me to see her upset like that Rafe.”

Louise had originally said that she would keep trying until she gave us the baby that we longed for, but now we both felt unsure if that was the right thing to do.

“We don’t have to decide yet, she doesn’t have to decide. Let’s take her out for dinner and a few drinks and give her some time.”

“How much time though? We have to agree on a date to push forward with this, we can’t just leave it for months.” I’m quiet as Matthew gets up and writes something in his diary. “Thirty days,” He smiles, “It’s worked for us before and it’ll work again. We’ll give it a month and then sit down and make a decision.”

We spent a month relaxing. We took Louise to a spa and all went to Cornwall to have some fun and visit Matthew’s parents. We’re still keeping the circle of people that know we’re trying as small as we can, but it’s hard when you can think of nothing else.

When day thirty rolled around we took Lou out for a meal.

“So go on then, ask!” Louise takes a bite of her garlic bread and smiles. “If you think I didn’t know you were thirty day-ing me, then you’re more stupid than I thought, that’s your thing!”

Matthew and I smile and he takes her hands.

“There’s no pressure on you to try again, but we need to ask what you want to do.”

Louise looks at Matthew with so much love in her eyes and then answers.

“When can we start?”

“Ok Louise, you know the drill, bloods, urine and any other bodily fluids you may want to share!”

Our fertility doctor is fantastic. He’s seriously hot too so saying that to Louise may not be the best idea, she’s a horn dog!

“Oh doc, you tease!”

Doctor Campbell runs all of the tests that he needs to run. We’re all a little more relaxed having already done this once before and the mood is a lot lighter as we wait the couple of days for the results before we move on.

Last time we did this we got a letter to tell us that everything was ok, so when Doctor C’s name shows up on Louise’s phone, we can’t help but worry.

“Oh he’s finally calling to ask me out!” She jokes as she answers, “Hello Doc.”

“Yep, ok.”

“No that can’t be right…are you sure?”

Louise hangs her head and starts to bite her nails as she listens to the doctor and I’m panicking, Matthew sits in front of Louise as though trying to mind read what’s going on.

“Oh, I see. Ok, I’ll wait for that then… ok, bye doc.”

She hangs up and looks at Matthew.

“I have to go for a scan; he’s got me booked in tomorrow afternoon.”

“A scan for what?” Matthew looks worried and I have to sit down.

“I’m pregnant.”

We spent the evening wondering how the tests from the last round could have been wrong. I was worried about how much Lou has abused her body since then but pushed the thoughts out of my mind to accept the idea that she is actually pregnant. I didn’t want to get too excited until the scan, and apparently neither did Lou. She looked terrible as she headed to bed for and early night.

We arrive at the clinic and Doctor C met us in reception.

“Hi guys, thanks for coming in. Come this way.”

Matthew and I take a seat in a waiting area while they take Louise in to prep her. Doctor C walks down the corridor and I stop him.

“Can’t we come in? I mean, we want to see.”

He pauses for a moment and looks at us before answering.

“Guys, the tests last time weren’t wrong. Louise is pregnant, but I suspect only a couple of weeks along, she’s got pregnant since your tests came back. This will determine that but it’s an internal scan so I can’t let you in for that I’m sorry.”

It takes a moment that seems like an hour to understand what the doctor just told us, Louise is pregnant, but it’s not with our baby, it’s with her own.

As I register what’s happening Matthew storms into the ultrasound room, I follow to pull him out and everyone stands in a panic.

“Matthew...” Lou starts to cry.

“We’re done!” It’s all he says, but he says it with meaning. Matthew turns and walks out of the room as Louise sobs and I turn to follow my husband.

“Lou, it’s really not a good time.”

Louise is at the door red eyed and puffy cheeked; only a couple of hours after her news rocked our world. Matthew is in the bathroom and I don’t want him to see her here and start a row. She is pregnant, regardless of whether it’s ours, she doesn’t need the stress.

“All my stuff is here Rafe. I’ll get a hotel but I need my things. I’m sorry.” She starts to cry again.

“Let her in.” Matthew calls from behind me. “Get your things Louise and go. I can’t talk to you yet.”

The word yet must give her some hope as she doesn’t push her luck. She heads in, gets her things and leaves. I see her out and she stops me at the door.

“I really am sorry Rafe, more than I can say.”

I nod and smile slightly, and she leaves.

“Can I get you a drink?”

Suranne and Dee sit in Rosie’s window seat and Matthew and I sit nervously opposite.

“Tea please, that would be great.”

I call the order over to Sophie and feel Matthew’s hand take mine under the table. It’s been a month since we found out about Louise’s pregnancy, and two since our first round failed. We went back to the drawing board and decided to meet with the lesbian couple from the book.