Love Is Blind (13 page)

When I got home, Chris was waiting outside
my house.

It killed me to see him.  He looked good, sitting there on the front step looking up at me apologetically.  “I know you probably don’t want to see me,” he said
before I had a chance to open my mouth, “but I can’t stay away any longer.  Please, just hear me out.”

His eyes pleaded with me, his desperation evident.  How could I say no to that?

I sat down next to him, careful to keep as much distance between us as I could.  I was afraid if he brushed up against me or I got close enough to smell his aftershave, I’d crumble.  It terrified me to know how deeply I was affected by him even after so much time apart.

“Why did you wait so long to come by?” I asked.

“I went to visit my sister,” he replied.  “And I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear from me.”

“Oh…how’s the baby?” 

For a brief moment, I saw a glimmer of pure joy on Chris’s face.  “He’s fantastic.”

“Good.  I’m glad.”

He ran a hand through his hair and looked uncomfortable.  “You were right when you said I looked at you differently…treated you differently.  All of that was true,” he confessed, much to my surprise. 

“Oh, I see.”  Even though he wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know or at least suspect, it still felt like he’d shot rusty nails into my heart. 
Had he really come halfway across the city to my house just to kick me when I was already down?

“
It had nothing to do with the way you look,” Chris quickly added.  “It had everything to do with the way you made me feel.”

Wordlessly, I stared at him.

He took a deep breath and explained, “I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone in my life.  Before you, I’d never been in love.  I’d never put myself before another person before, as awful as that sounds.  But with you, it was different.  When I couldn’t see, you were the one bright spot in my life.  You gave me a reason to get out of bed every day.”

“But…?”

“But then when I got my vision back, it was like everything fell into place.  My life was pretty much perfect, aside from the fences I’m still trying to mend with my family.  Suddenly I had everything I wanted – and it scared me to death.”

Chris cleared his throat.  “I know I always got after you for being so pessimistic, but the truth is you and I might no
t be so different in that respect.  I told you I had an epiphany after I lost my vision and decided to stop being miserable, but it’s not like there’s just a switch that can be flipped.  I had to work at being happy – or at least faking it – every single day…until you came along.  Then it was easy to be happy.”

“Then why did you push me away?” I
demanded, swallowing the lump in my throat.

“I was scared of how much I needed you,” Chris confessed. 
“After we were together that night in your bedroom…well I’ve never felt that way about any other girl, ever.  I tried to pass it off as pre-surgery jitters and hoped I’d get over it after we’d had some time apart.  But when I came back I was even more freaked out by how strong my feelings were.”

“But you seemed normal on the phone,” I pointed out as I attempted to make sense of what Chris was telling me.  “You were nervous about the surgery but you were still…you.”

“The distance probably helped some.  And the thing is, even though you terrified me, you were also the one person who could reassure me during that time.”

I raised an eyebrow.  “I terrified you?”

“Maybe this doesn’t make sense but the power you had over me was terrifying.  When I was blind I depended on you to give me a reason to go on.  But as time went on I knew you could singlehandedly destroy me and send me back to that dark place I was in after the accident.”

“But I never would have done that.”

“I know.  I tried to tell myself that every day but fear can be an awful thing.  The harder I tried to just be myself around you the more it felt like I was forcing it.  I wish I could do it all over,” Chris muttered.  “There are so many things I’d change.  I was so afraid of losing you that I pushed you away.  How’s that for crazy?   Please, just know how sorry I am.”

I sighed.  “I’m sorry too.  I might have let my insecurities get the best of me.”

“You know I think you’re beautiful, right?” he murmured, his voice growing tender.  “It was never about that.  I’ve always been attracted to you, before and after I could see you.  You’re perfect just the way you are.  You’re the one I want.”

When I looked away, it was Chris’s turn to sigh.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

“I want to,” I said sadly. 

“What part don’t you believe?”

“The flattery,” I replied instantaneously.  “
Sometimes I wish I didn’t know about your past and the person you used to be.  You said yourself that you’d tell girls exactly what they needed to hear in order to get what you wanted from them.  It’s hard to let that go.  I want to believe what you’re saying but I can’t.  Not completely.”

“You don’t think people can change,” he nodded as a look of understanding came over him. 

“You’re right,” I admitted regretfully.

“I know I could tell
you that you’re mistaken until I’m blue in the face but it won’t do any good.  I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, Michelle.  I wish you could know how much I care.  But I won’t waste your time.  Thanks for hearing me out and I hope someday you’ll forgive me for screwing everything up.”

Chris’s hand was resting on his thigh.  All I could do was look at it and think about how it had felt when it was stroking my face, cupping my breast, caressing my most intimate flesh…

A warm blush spread over me.  I wanted to take his hand and never let go.  But I couldn’t take that risk…not when I still wasn’t sure I could trust him.  Instead, I stuck my hands in my pockets and studied my sneakers.

“You should
also know,” he said softly, “that I didn’t come to your house that night planning to have sex with you.  I put the condom in my pocket just in case, but I didn’t have some master plan for getting in your pants, I promise.”

“Okay,” I replied unconvincingly.  I just didn’t know what to think anymore.

Chris stood up.  “Well, I guess I should go,” he said, sounding as reluctant as I felt.  I didn’t want him to go but what purpose would my asking him to stay serve?  It would only prolong the inevitable agony of saying goodbye.

He began to walk away.

“So your visit with your sister,” I blurted out, startling myself.  “Was it good?”

I’d always sensed Chris’s regret when he spoke
about the distance between him and his sister.  Whenever he talked about his childhood he always mentioned her with a deep nostalgia in his voice that made it clear they’d once been very close.  I knew he desperately wanted to mend the rift between them and, for his sake, I hoped he had.

Chris
stopped walking and turned around to face me.  There was a peace reflected in his handsome face that I’d never seen before.  “It was great,” he told me, practically beaming.  “We sat up with the baby and talked all night long.  I couldn’t have asked for more.  She invited me back for another visit next month…I can hardly wait.”

I smiled with tears in my eyes.  “I’m happy for you.”

His brow furrowed.  “I forgot, my mom says to tell you hi.  You really made an impression on her, you know.”

“I did?  But I hardly spent any time with her at the airport.”

“Yeah well I guess I talked about you a lot,” he shrugged.  “I’m pretty sure she fell in love with you before she’d even been properly introduced to you.  You seem to have that effect on people,” he added wistfully.  “But anyway…I was leaving.”

“I’m glad you stopped by.”

“Me too – I almost didn’t. I guess luck was on my side.  Oh, that reminds me…”  He stuck his hand into his pocket and fished something out.  “I should return this to you.”

I held out my hand and he deposited something into my palm.  I looked down at it and my breath caught in my throat.  It was the lucky penny I’d given Chris what felt like a million years ago.  “You’ve kept it all this time?” I marvelled
, tracing my fingertip over its familiar, worn surface.

“Of course,” he replied.  “I slept with it under my pillow.  But anyway, I’m off.  Take care of yourself, Michelle.”

I looked up at him.  “You really slept with it under your pillow?”

“Yes, every night.”

“You’re not even superstitious.”

“No.  I guess I just liked having something of yours close to me,” he said sheepishly.

I stood up and extended my arm.  “You should keep it,” I told Chris, depositing the penny I’d cherished for years into his hand.  “I hope it brings you luck.”  I really meant it, too.

Our fingers brushed as I handed the penny to Chris
and it hurt to think that it was probably the very last time we’d ever touch.  The only thing that eased the pain was the knowledge that a part of me would always be with him.

After some soul searching, I rebooked the consultation appointment with the plastic surgeon. 

And then I canceled it again.

I kept thinking about all those sick and injured patients I’d seen in the hospital when I’d been doing my community service.  I couldn’t get the images of the tiny, pale children in wheelchairs out of my head.  I couldn’t get the image of Chris alone and restless in a gloomy hospital room as his life passed him by out of my head.

Did I truly want to risk complications just to have a cosmetic procedure?  I knew it was something routine and fairly standard, but I also knew major surgery comes with the risk of serious complications.  What if I ended up even more disfigured?  What if they put me to sleep and I never woke up?  My mind raced as I thought of all the things that could possibly go wrong.

Was I even considering plastic surgery for the right reasons?  Maybe being birthmark-free would change my life…or maybe it wouldn’t.  For all I knew I could get my face fixed and still spend the rest of my life alone and feeling inadequate.  There were no guarantees.

That’s the thing.  There are no guarantees in life.

But I knew one thing for sure.  If I had any hope of keeping my third consultation appointment, I needed to feel like luck was on my side.  Maybe it was silly, but I was certain I’d feel better having the lucky penny on me when I returned to the clinic.

Or maybe it was just my subconscious telling me to give in and go see Chris.

I still missed him.

I caught a bus, got off at the closest stop and then walked the rest of the way to Chris’s mother’s house.  I’d only been there once before in the cab the night of the fireworks, but I found it with relative ease.  It was the only house on the block with a wheelchair ramp out front, so it was recognizable enough. 

And there was a moving van out front.

Standing there on the street, I hesitated, watching uncertainly as the movers carried a couch and an armoire out of the house and loaded both into the back of their van.  “This was a bad idea,” I whispered aloud as I tried to talk myself into leaving.  “Just go.”

“Michelle?”

I turned. 

Chris stood in the doorway
of the house looking quizzically at me.  When he got a look at my face, a broad smile broke out over his face, he set down the box in his arms and he jogged toward me.  “I wasn’t sure if that was you or if it was just my wishful thinking,” he confessed. 

“You’re moving?”

“Yeah, it’s been a long time coming.  I bought a condo and had a new house built for my mom.”

I blinked, thinking I must have misheard.  “You
did what?”

He shrugged.  “I guess I never mentioned it because when I was blind all the money in the world didn’t seem to matter.  But I got a settlement after my accident…a big one.  A drunk driver hit
the car I was in that night,” he explained.

My jaw was probably on the ground by that point.  I just stared at him for a moment, stunned into silence, before admitting, “I always assumed from the way you talked that
you
caused the accident.  You said you had no business being out there driving…”

“I didn’t.  My buddy and I took his dad’s brand new car without permission and kind of…went joyriding.  It was stupid.  He walked away from it but I took a bunch of glass shards to the eyes.  We shouldn’t have been there, plain and simple.”

“But the crash…wasn’t your fault?”

“No.”

“And you’re like, rich now?”

“You could say that.”

“Huh.”  I’d been blown away to simply have my college tuition – or plastic surgery funds – in my bank account.  Never in my life had I seen that many zeros on a bank statement before.  To think that Chris had enough money to build his mother a new house and buy a condo for himself was mindboggling. 

“So what brings you here?” he asked.

“This is silly but please just humor me,” I said.  I took a deep breath and then confessed, “I need to borrow the lucky penny.”

Without a word, Chris fished it out of his pocket and handed it to me.  “I still carry it with me,” he admitted, sounding embarrassed.  “Mind if I ask
what you need to borrow it for?  No wait, let me guess…hot date?” 

He said the words lightheartedly but I could see the heaviness weighing his broad shoulders down. 
It felt good to know he was jealous and maybe even a little scared.  I realized that I actually
wanted
him to be territorial about it, as though I still belonged to him and he’d fight to keep me.

“No, actually I’m thinking of getting plastic surgery on, you know…my face.”

His reaction was a peculiar one.  He looked surprised and then, oddly enough, disappointed.  “I know it’s not my place and I have no right to say this but are you sure it’s what you want to do?” he asked with concern.  “Surgery is a pretty big deal, you know.”

“I know.”

He looked like he wanted to say more but instead merely bit his lip.  “Do you want to come inside?” he finally asked, gesturing to the house.  “It’s kind of a mess with boxes all over the place, but…”

“No, I’d better go,” I replied a bit too fast.  “Thanks for the penny.  I’
ll return it soon.”

“Okay, I’ll text you my new address.  Uh, do you still have the same phone number?”

“Yes.” 

The thought that I would have changed my number without telling Chris stung a bit.
  What stung even more was the fact that life was moving on for both of us.  It felt like we were simply two ships passing in the night, no longer one vessel united. 

Without any further ado I turned and walked off.  I clutched the penny tightly in my fist, savoring the way it felt slightly warm from Chris’s body heat. 
It was the next best thing to touching him.

Even though I was leaving, my heart didn’t feel quite as heavy as I’d expected it to. 
It helped, knowing that I’d be returning the penny shortly.  That meant I’d see him again soon.  I was already looking forward to it.

“Huh,” I whispered to myself as I hurried
away, turning the penny over in my hand like it was made of diamonds and gold.  “He still carries it around in his pocket.”