Love Is Blind (6 page)

“It’s about time you return my call!” Chris’s voice on the other end of the phone scolded.  He didn’t sound seriously upset, but I nonetheless felt bad.  I’d ignored his repeated voicemails for nearly a week.
  I knew to him, it must seem strange.

“Sorry,” I mumbled sheepishly.  “I’ve been busy.”

“Well get un-busy!” Chris instructed.  “We need a cheesecake date
immediately
.”

I winced when he called it a date.  I still didn’t know how I was going to deal with the aftermath of our kiss. 
I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I had no idea what to say.  I’d ruled out telling him I wasn’t interested – not only was it a lie but it would also be hurtful.  I cared too much to hurt him.

I’d reluctantly settled on telling him the truth
, even if it caused me pain to do it.

“Are you still there?” Chris asked. 

“Yeah,” I said quietly.  “I’m here.”

“Well muster up some enthusiasm!” he ordered, sounding like a good natured drill sergeant.  “You loved that cheesecake just as much as I did…right?”

“Yeah, it was good.”

“Good?  I have dreams about that cheesecake,” he joked and then lowered his voice to a stage whisper and added, “Sexy dreams!  Have I said too much?  Alright, I’ve probably said too much.  Anyway, what time are you done at the hospital today?”

“Eight.”

“Perfect.  I’ll meet you a
t the cheesecake place at eight then.”

“Okay.”  As I hung up the phone I noticed my hands were clammy.  Since the first day I’d met him, I’d always looked forward to seeing Chris.  He brought something out in me that I loved. 
He made me feel like the person I wished I was instead of myself.  He turned me into a version of myself that was better in every way.

But
this time I wasn’t at all eager to spend time with him.  Instead, I was dreading what I knew I had to do.  I knew dreams can’t last forever.  It was time to come clean.

My mind was a million miles away as I stared out the window, not saying much.  Chris had been filling the silence for the past few minutes but I was barely even listening.  I was too worried about what I knew was to come. 

“So my sister had her baby a few days ago – I’m an uncle!  It’s a boy.” 

My attention snapped back to Chris, the view outside the window quickly forgotten.  “That’s exciting!” I replied, forcing my voice to sound upbeat.  “What’s the baby’s name?”

“Andrew.  My nephew’s name is Andrew.  I have a nephew!”  Chris appeared to swell with pride as he said this.  I could tell he was thrilled to be an uncle and his enthusiasm was pretty endearing.  It made me want to reach out and hug him, but of course, I couldn’t…not when I was about to drop a bomb on him.

“That’s pretty cool.”

“It sure is.  Hopefully I’ll get to meet him soon.  Maybe you could come with me.  Uh…what’s wrong with you?” Chris asked.  We were sitting in a booth waiting for our server to bring us the cheesecake we’d ordered.  I was gloomy-eyed and fiddling nervously with my necklace.  Even though Chris couldn’t see any of that, he could tell something was off.

He’d kissed me hello when his taxi had dropped him off and after that I’d just shut down.  I felt like
I was about to lose my nerve.  If I didn’t tell him now about the birthmark I might chicken out completely.  Part of me wanted to keep the lie going as long as I could just so I could be with Chris, but I knew that wasn’t fair to him.

“Nothing,” I said, “but Chris, we need to talk.”

“Yeah!” he agreed.  “We do!  That’s why I asked you to meet up with me.  There’s something pretty important I need to tell you and I kind of wanted to say it in person.”

I braced myself, trying to prepare for whatever came out of his mouth next.  It could go either way, I figured.  Either he’d profess his love for me and make what I was about to tell him even more awkward or else he’d kindly tell me the kiss had been a mistake and he only thought of me as a friend.

Neither scenario was ideal, but I was determined not to flinch no matter what he said.

Except what came out of Chris’s mouth next was something I hadn’t anticipated at all.

“You know that clinical trial I was supposed to take part in?” he asked.  “Well I met with the specialist who’s in charge of it about a week ago.  He assessed me and flat out told me there’s no way he can accept me as a participant.”

“Oh wow, Chris…I’m really sorry.”  Suddenly I felt like an ass for being so self-absorbed.  Chris had more important things to think about than the status of our relationship.  Duh!

But there was something off about the way Chris was delivering the news.  He didn’t seem disappointed in the least.  In fact, his voice was cheerful and there might have even been a little twinge of hopefulness in there. 

“Don’t be sorry,” he said with a dismissive wave of his han
d.  He paused.  At first I thought he was doing it for dramatic effect, just to be silly.  But then I realized his hands were shaking.  It was difficult to resist the urge to reach out and touch him, whispering soothing words while my fingers became entwined with his.

Chris sat up straighter. 
“The specialist told me about a colleague of his in Norway who’s developed some new techniques.  They have a cutting edge laser there that hasn’t even made it through the clinical trial phase in the United States yet.  But his colleague, Dr. Torje, has been treating patients for almost a year.  The specialist here forwarded my file to Dr. Torje and…”

Chris took a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. 

“This is new,” he said, rambling a bit.  “It’s brand new technology.  I shouldn’t get my hopes up because I’ve gotten my hopes up before and that’s never good but…Michelle,” he said, becoming unusually serious, “They told me there’s a good chance they can restore my vision.”

I swallowed hard. 

“I leave the day after tomorrow,” Chris said.

“Wow, that’s fast…Norway, huh?”

“Yeah, I know.  I’ll be there for about two weeks so the doc can monitor my progress and make sure everything is stable before sending me back home to heal.  I wish you could come with me.”

That took me by surprise.  “Yeah well…community service isn’t optional,” I reminded him.

He grinned.  “My girlfriend the felon!” he joked as our server brought us our cheesecake.  He dug in and then furrowed his brow and abruptly set his fork down.  “Was calling you my girlfriend just now a major faux pas?” he asked.  “I mean, I don’t even really know what to call you anymore…”

“About that,” I said quietly, not wanting to detract from Chris’s good news.  “I haven’t quite been honest with you.  I mean, I haven’t
lied
, exactly,” I quickly clarified, “but there’s something about me that you should know.”

He leaned forward, cheesecake forgotten.  “I’m listening.”

I took a deep breath and then just blurted it out.  “I have a big birthmark on my face.”

For a moment Chris didn’t’ seem to know whether I was joking or serious.  I saw a hint of a smile playing on his lips but then he quickly sup
pressed it.  “Is that all?” he asked, reaching for his fork again. 

“No, seriously,” I told him, wanting to impress upon him just how hideous it truly was.  “
It’s massive and red and ugly and no matter how much makeup I put on it I can’t ever completely hide it.”

Chris shrugged.  “Okay,” he said agreeably.

I stared at him.  “Okay?” I repeated.  “That’s it?  Look, Chris…maybe you think I’m being self-depreciating in the cutesy way that pretty girls fish for compliments.  But I can assure you I’m not fishing for compliments nor am I a pretty girl.”

Chris still looked unconcerned.  “I know you’re not fishing for compliments,” he assured me.  “I mean, I’ll tell you you’re pretty if you want me to but coming from me,” he said, gesturing to his eyes, “It m
ight not mean that much to you.  But I can vouch for you being drop dead gorgeous on the inside.”

I raised an eyebrow
, ignoring the compliment.  “Seriously,
that’s
what you have to say about it?”

Through a mouthful of cheesecake, he replied, “That depends.  Do you want me to tell you how much I love your twisted sense of humor and the way you laugh and that perfume you always wear?  Do you want me to tell you how talking to you is always the highlight of my day and when I’m not with you I’m constantly reminded of you?  Because I can do that if you want.  Otherwise, yes, that’s all I have to say about it.”

I was floored.  “Chris,” I warned, feeling my cheeks redden and a warm glow spread over me as his words sunk in, “What if you get your vision back?”

“Then I’ll finally be able to
see you smile and look you in the eye before I kiss you,” he said quietly.  “That’s all I really want.”

Tears pricked at my eyes.  “What if you don’t want to kiss me?” I asked in a tiny voice, setting my fork down on the table with a noisy clatter.

He reached out his hand, searching for mine.  I reluctantly took it and he gave me an affectionate squeeze before tracing his fingertip along the inside of my wrist.  “I
will
want to,” he assured me with so much confidence that I nearly believed him.  “I’ll always want to kiss you.”

I tried once again to explain the profound ugliness of my birthmark to him but he wasn’t having it.  He cut me off with a kiss
.  His hand slid further up my arm as he leaned across the table, reeling me in until our lips met. 

It was different, kissing him without the cover of darkness shrouding us.  Even though I knew he couldn’t see
anything more than a blurry outline of me, I felt vulnerable.  But I also felt like I was on fire inside.

Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him back
like that, but I did.  It felt like fireworks were going off inside me and with horror I realized I was falling for him hard.

I hadn’t let myself care about anyone or anything in a long, long time because it was safer that way.  But it was too late to distance myself from Chris.  As his lips pressed against mine I knew I couldn’t turn off my feelings for him now even if I wanted to.

The realization was terrifying.

Chris and I spent pretty much every minute together the day bef
ore he left for Norway.  As soon as I knew my mom had left for work, I took him to my house so we could be alone.  The gravity of what was about to happen was sinking in and it just felt like Chris and I needed to say goodbye in private.

“It smells good in here,” he said the moment he stepped in the door.

“I baked cookies this morning,” I told him as I took his arm and led him into the kitchen.  It was the first time he’d ever been to my place and I wanted to make a good first impression.  Since he couldn’t see, I’d decided I wanted the aroma of freshly baked cookies to greet him when he stepped inside.  Plus I just really, really liked chocolate chip cookies.

“Do I get a tour?” he asked.

Sometimes I had trouble telling when he was sincere and when he was playing around.

“Well there’s not much to show,” I said as I handed him a
cookie.  This is the kitchen,” I said, taking his hand and placing it on the counter.  “Straight ahead of us is the dining area and living room.  And upstairs are two bedrooms, a bathroom and an office about the size of a closet.”

“I like it,” Chris informed me.

“Why?  It’s nothing fancy.”

He thought for a minute.  “
This is your home.  You seem different here…more relaxed.”

I was surprised by
his observation.  It wasn’t wrong – in fact, it was very much accurate.  But up until then, I hadn’t even realized that Chris could sense my uneasiness whenever we were out anywhere.  It kind of felt like a knife to the heart but at the same time, I was flattered to know he paid that much attention to me.

“Do you want another cookie?” I asked as he finished off the first.

“I’d rather have something else.”

“I think there are some potato chips in the cupboard,” I replied quickly, taking a step away from him.  I knew by the tone of Chris’s voice that wasn’t at all what he had in mind, but I was suddenly nervous.

“Michelle.”

“What?”

He took a step toward the sound of my voice and reached out for me.  Feeling completely out of my element, I wrapped his arms around my waist and felt myself melt.  I could feel the heat of his body against mine.  I wanted him so much. 

He leaned down and kissed me.

“How about I show you my bedroom?” I blurted out, putty in his hands.

“Yes please.”

Wordlessly, I took Chris’s hand and led him upstairs.  He followed me without hesitation, fearless despite navigating new and unfamiliar territory for the first time.  He trusted me.

He wasn’t the only one entering new and unfamiliar territory.  But could I trust him?

It was kind of a big deal to be taking him up to my room and not just because I’d never had a boy – well,
man
– up there before.  It was more than that.  My bedroom was my sanctuary.  It was the place I’d come to cry after an especially brutal day.  It was my safe place, devoid of any mirrors, where I could be alone.

I was good at being alone.  It wasn’t what I wanted, but I was good at it. 
I’d accepted my fate just as Chris had accepted his blindness…until now.

N
ow that he’d broken down my walls, I’d invited Chris into my world.

We sat on my bed and instead of immediately pouncing on me – which probably would have scared me off – he ran his hand over the bedspread.  “I can smell your perfume in here,” he commented
, breathing in deeply.  “It’s the vanilla stuff you always wear, that smells like cupcakes.  Describe the room to me?”

I looked around and felt like I was almost seeing it through new eyes.  “Well there are a black desk and dresser against the far wall,” I told him.  “There’s a bookshelf beside the bed, mostly full of dumb romance novels.  The bedspread and curtains are wine colored and there
posters on the walls.”

“Boy bands?” he teased.

I chuckled.  “No, mostly indie bands most people have never heard of,” I replied. 

“Yeah, I never really took you to be the boy band type,” he nodded, his arm sliding around me.

I leaned into him, feeling my body respond immediately to his touch.  Our lips met.  I wasn’t sure if he’d kissed me or I’d kissed him.  It didn’t matter.  All that mattered was the way he was making me feel, warm and tingly and like I was on top of the world. 

At some point I found myself
lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling as Chris kissed my neck.  I could feel my nipples stiffening and my breathing becoming erratic.  What he was doing felt so good!  I’d shut this part of myself off, resigned to the fact that the only romance I’d ever have would be vicarious and in the pages of a book. 

But now Chris had flipped the switch, reigniting all the passion and desire I’d been su
ppressing.

His hand slid underneath my clothes,
tracing a line across my belly until his fingers reached the edge of my bra.  He wasted no time in sliding beneath the band, exploring my body in ways no one else ever had.  His fingertip grazed my hardening nipple and I gasped, caught off guard by how good, how
different
, it felt when he touched me.

My t-shirt was pushed right up above my breasts. 
My bra was the type that fastened in the front.  Chris seemed to figure this out almost immediately and his fingers skillfully manipulated the clasp, opening it with little effort despite his lack of vision.  He opened my bra up as though he was unwrapping a precious gift, baring my breasts to the cool air of the room.

“Wait.”

Even as I said the word, my body screamed at me to shut up and let Chris continue.  I wanted him so bad.  I craved him in every fiber of my being.  I was in utterly, hopelessly in love with him and showing him how much I cared felt natural and right. 

But something was holding me back.

“What is it?” Chris murmured, burying his face in my long hair and inhaling the fragrant scent of my shampoo appreciatively.

“I – I’ve never done this before,” I confessed
sheepishly.

He pulled back a little, giving me some space.  “Okay.”  He said it like it was no big deal but I could tell he was surprised.  He hesitated momentarily and then, almost as though he was afraid of the answer, asked, “Do you not want to…?”

“Oh no, I want to,” I quickly assured him, blushing even as I said it.  God, did I want to.

“So then…?” 

Something he’d told me had been nagging away in the back of my mind.  Now that we were here, it had bubbled to the surface, an insistent concern that just wouldn’t go away.  I took a deep breath and then, with a fair amount of reluctance, told Chris what was eating away at me.