Love Virtually (6 page)
An hour and a half later
Re:
Without wishing to sound arrogant, my dear Emmi, I knew that you wouldn't identify me!
Forty seconds later
Re:
WHICH ONE WERE YOU LEO? TELL ME!!!
One minute later
Re:
Let's talk more tomorrow, Emmi, I've got to meet someone now. And you ought to thank the good Lord that you've already found a man for life. By the way, just a minor observation: Has it occurred to you that we haven't talked about you at all? Which one could Emmi Rothner have been? More tomorrow.
Lots of love, yours,
Leo
Twenty seconds later
Re:
What?? You can't just go now! Leo, you can't do that to me!
Write back! Now! Please!
An hour and a half later
Re:
He's not writing back. Perhaps he was that hairy beast after all . . .
The next day
Subject: Nightmare
Leo Leike, I've got it!! I've just woken up in a sweat. I've figured it out! That was beautifully contrived, and you knew all along I'd never guess. No wonder: YOU WERE A WAITER! You know the guy who runs the place and he let you pretend to be a waiter for a couple of hours, am I right?
Fifteen minutes later
Re: Nightmare
And? Are you disappointed? (Hello, by the way.)
Eight minutes later
Re: Nightmare
Disappointed? Deflated, more like! Peeved! Pissed off! Pranked!
You've put me right in it and I feel cheated. And you've been planning this nasty little trick all along. You're the one who suggested that we meet in Café Huber. The entire staff has probably been laughing their heads off at my expense for weeks. I think it's really shabby and nasty of you. It's not the Leo Leike I know. It's not the Leo Leike I've come to know. It's not the Leo Leike I might have gotten to know better! And I've no intention of getting to know that Leo one iota more! In one fell swoop you've trashed everything we've spent months building up. Good-bye!
Nine minutes later
Re: Nightmare
So do you at least like me, I mean to look at?
Two minutes later
Re: Nightmare
Do you want an honest answer? I'll gladly give you one, as a parting shot.
Forty-five seconds later
Re: Nightmare
If it's not too much troubleâthat would be nice.
Thirty seconds later
Re: Nightmare
I don't think you're good-looking. I don't even think you're ugly. I think you're just nothing. Boring as hell. Totally uninteresting. Just BLEEUGHH!!
Three minutes later
Re: Nightmare
Really? That sounds pretty harsh. I'm glad I'm not in that man's skin. And I wasn't in his waiter's outfit either. I wasn't him, I'm not him, and I probably never will be him either. And I wasn't any of the waiters. I wasn't a deliveryman or a kitchen porter. I wasn't a policeman in uniform. I wasn't the rest room attendant. I was plain old Leo Leike, a customer in Café Huber on Sunday afternoon between 3 and 5. Too bad about your sleep, dear Emmi “looks are everything” Rothner. Too bad about your wasted nightmare.
Two minutes later
Re: Nightmare
Thank you, Leo!!! Now I need a whisky.
Fifteen minutes later
Re: Nightmare
I suggest that we talk about you instead, to give your nerves a break. I'm going to assume that, even if I find a woman's looks fairly important, they cannot be anywhere near as important as a man's looks are for you. And with this more flexible approach, I concluded that at the appointed time there were a remarkably large number of interesting women in the café who could have matched up to Emmi Rothner.
(I have to break off briefly. We've got a conferenceâI do a bit of work on the side, you know, although I may not be able to afford myself this luxury soon.)
I'll be back in a couple of hours, and we'll resume, if that's O.K. Incidentally, I suggest you put the whisky bottle away now . . .
Ten minutes later
Re: Nightmare
1) I simply can't comprehend how a man who can create such intimacy with words, to the extent that he can sense Emmi in her most private moments (as she drinks whisky), I mean, I just don't get how someone who writes like that could look anything like one of those men I saw with my own eyes in Café Huber! So I'm going to ask you again, dear Leo: is it possible that I simply overlooked you? Please say yes! I don't want you to be one of those types I described yesterday. What a shame that would be!
2) Maybe there weren't that many “remarkably interesting women” in the café. Maybe it's just that Mr. Leike has a remarkable interest in (a remarkably large number of ) women.
3) Still, I wouldn't mind changing places with you. From a “remarkably interesting” selection, you can pick out the fantasy Emmi Rothner of your desiresâwhichever one takes your fancy. While I'm stuck with a Leo Leike I managed not even to notice, and that's my best-case scenario. Not exactly a recommendation.
4) You clearly don't have a clue which one I was. All yours then!
Two hours later
Re: Nightmare
Thank you, Emmi, at last another Rothner list. Do you mind if I cut straight to point 4)? If you think I have no idea who you are, then you're much mistaken. I must confess, however, that I don't know
exactly
who you are. There are just three possibilities, and I'm convinced that you're one of these women. If it's all the same to you, I'm going to use letters rather than numbers to order my three types. I don't want the whole thing to look like an awards ceremony with podium places. So here are my Rothner candidates:
A) The prototype, Ur-Emmi. She was standing at the bar, fourth from the left. Around five feet four inches tall, petite, short dark hair. Just under forty. Hectic and nervous, rapid movements, endlessly twirling her whisky glass (!!), seemed a bit snooty, looking down her nose at everything (a dignified arrogance masking a slight insecurity). Trousers, coat: funky dress sense. Funny felt handbag. Green shoes that looked as though they were chosen from a personal collection of a hundred others for that Sunday afternoon. (About size 6 1/2!!!) Looked at men the way you might try to without them noticing. Facial features: fine, a little unrelaxed. Face: beautiful. Type: boisterous, hasty, temperamental. In other words, a classic Emmi Rothner type.
B) The alternative model, the Blond-Emmi. Changed seats three times, started out at the front on the right, then right at the back, then in the middle. At the end spent a short time at the bar. Very confident, a little slower in her movements (than the Ur-Emmi). Blond, straggly hair, 1980s style. Around thirty-five. Drinks: coffee followed by red wine. Smoked a cigarette. (Looked like she really enjoyed it, but didn't seem addicted.) Height: a good five feet seven inches. Long, slim legs. Red, branded sneakers. (About size 6 1/2!!!) Faded jeans, tight black T-shirt (large breasts, if I may make such an observation). Looked at men very casually. Facial features: relaxed. Face: beautiful. Type: feminine, self-confident, cool.
C) The anti-type, the Surprise-Emmi. Kept on wandering around the café, stood at the bar a number of times. Very shy. Exotic complexion, large, almond eyes, hooded eyes, seemed unsociable. Shoulder-length, brunette hair, layered at the front. Around thirty-five. Drinks: coffee, mineral water. Height, around five feet six inches. Slim, wonderful black-and-yellow trousers (certainly not cheap), casual, dark ankle boots. (Shoe size about 6 1/2!!!) Distinctive chunky wedding ring! Gazed around as if she were searching for something, and gave the impression of being dreamy, beatific, melancholic, perhaps a little sad. Facial features: soft. Face: beautiful. Type: feminine, sensual, diffident, shy. And because of all this, maybe Emmi Rothner.
So, dear Emmi, I can offer you these three. Maybe I'll leave you with an answer to your pressing question number 1): whether you might have overlooked me. Yes, of course you might have. But you didn't, I'm afraid.
Yours,
Leo
Five hours later
Re: Nightmare
Dear Emmi,
Am I not going to get another email from you today? Are your powers of perception so poor? Do you no longer care whether I spend all night hanging around in plush bars? (Or with whom?)
Good night,
Leo
The next day
Subject: Most puzzling
Hello Leo,
You're wearing me outâI can't think about anything else! I liked the way you described those women! I'm stunned; you never cease to amaze me. I just wish I hadn't seen you!!! Let's assume I am one of those three women: how could you have observed me in such detail without instantly giving yourself away? Did you have a video camera on you? Or rather: if I had been one of those three, I must have gotten a good look at you too. And if I did, then this confirms my suspicion that you were one of those men who just can't be Leo Leike, becauseâforgive me!âthey looked as boring as hell. Second (no numbers today, just words. You've been so free with numbers that all you're missing are the vital statistics): Why those three in particular?
Third, which was your favorite?
Fourth, tell me which one you were, please! Give me a little clue, at least.
With friendly greetings,
Yours impatiently,
Emmi
An hour and a half later
Re: Most puzzling
Why those three in particular? Emmi, it's been clear to me for a long time that you're what you might call a “damned good-looking woman.” Because you know you're good-looking, damn it. You're forever letting on that you know you're good-looking. You write it between the lines, and sometimes on the lines too. No woman would go on like this unless she knew 100 percent that men found her attractive. As an “interesting woman,” you're even put out if you don't leave every other woman in the dust. Let's go back to your point 2) from yesterday. You wrote, “Maybe there weren't that many âremarkably interesting women' in the café. Maybe it's just that Mr. Leike has a remarkable interest in (a remarkably large number of ) women.” You must consider yourself the most interesting of all, and it's almost an affront to you if you're not recognized as such. I had it easy; all I had to do was keep my eye out for attractive women who appeared to be looking for someone (whether subtly or not), and who might have had size 6 1/2 shoes. And those three fit the bill.
Regarding your third point, it's irrelevant which of the three I preferred. All were attractive in their own way, but I believe all three of them to be happily married with two children, and if not six chipmunks then at least a cat named Wurlitzer. For me, all three inhabit another world into which I can peer virtually, but which I will always be forbidden to enter. I've said many times that I prefer to paint my Emmi Rothner in my mind (or on the computer screen) rather than chase after her or mourn for her in the real world. I admit, however, that Emmi number 1, the Ur-Emmi, seems to me the most authentic, and matches most closely the Rothner who writes to me.
As to your fourth point, if you concede that you are one of my three Emmi candidates, then I'll give you a clue as to who I may have been.
Love,
Leo
Twenty minutes later
Re: Most puzzling
O.K., Leo. But you give me your clue first, and then I'll tell you if you're right or not.
Three minutes later
Re: Most puzzling
Do you have brothers or sisters?
One minute later
Re: Most puzzling
Yes, an older sister who lives in Switzerland. Why? Was that the clue?
Forty seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
Yes, that was the clue, Emmi.
Twenty seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
But that doesn't tell me anything!
One minute later
Re: Most puzzling
I've got an older brother and a younger sister.
Thirty seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
That's fascinating, Leo. But can we talk about them another time? Right now I'm concentrating on who the brother of this older brother and younger sister might be.
Fifty minutes later
Re: Most puzzling
Leo, hello, where are you? Are you trying to keep me in suspense?
Eight minutes later
Re: Most puzzling
I see my sister Adrienne a lot. We're very close. We tell each other everything. So, dear Emmi, that was a giant clue. You'll have to work the rest out for yourself. So were you one of my three “Emmis”?
Forty seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
That's cryptic, Leo! Please give me ONE more hint! And then I'll tell you.
Thirty seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
Why don't you ask me what my sister looks like?
Thirty-five seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
What does your sister look like?
Twenty-five seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
She's tall and blond.