Love Virtually (7 page)
Thirty seconds later
Re: Most puzzling
O.K., that's nice, whatever, I give up!
Dear Leo, language psychologist, people watcher: I AM ONE OF THOSE THREE. But from the way you describe them, these three women with apparently the same shoe size could hardly be more different. I'm amazed you could find all three attractive and interesting-looking at the same time. But that's men for you.
I hope you have a pleasant evening. I'm going to take a Leo-break. It's about time I turned to other more essential matters.
Bye-bye,
Emmi
An hour later
Re: Most puzzling
Just then you were totally Ur-Emmi, number one.
Five hours later
Re: Most puzzling
My sister is a model.
Good night.
The next day
Subject: !!!!!!
NO WAY!
Forty-five seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
Oh yes.
Forty seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
That long-legged blond angel-vamp model?
Twenty-five seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
That's my sister!
Three minutes later
Re: !!!!!!
So you were the guy holding her hand, looking into her eyes so lovingly!
One minute later
Re: !!!!!!
That was just a cover. She spent the whole time looking at women and describing all the potential Emmis in minute detail.
Forty seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
Shit, now I can't remember what you look like! I glanced at you only very briefly.
Fifteen minutes later
Re: !!!!!!
At least I've salvaged the honor of all the men in the café that afternoon. How did you describe me? “The only interesting-looking guy, standing with one of those leggy blond angel-vamp model types at the bar.” I'm going to print that out and frame it!
Ten minutes later
Re: !!!!!!
I wouldn't get too excited, sweetheart. Basically, all I saw was that extremely beautiful, rather cool blond. And I thought to myself: anyone who's with a woman like that must be an interesting guy. All I know about you is that you're fairly tall, fairly slim, fairly young, fairly well dressed. And as far as I remember you also have a fair supply of hair and teeth. The thing that really struck me was the expression on the face of your supposed lover, your sister. She was looking at you as you would only look at someone you love and cherish deeply. But maybe it was just an act, to put Emmi Rothner off the scent. I have to say that was a highly intelligent ploy, to turn up there with your sister. I'm glad you talk to her about me. It makes me feel good. I think you're all right, Leo! (And I'm ecstatic that you're not the hairy beast, nor anyone else from Café Huber's cabinet of horrors.)
Half an hour later
Re: !!!!!!
And I don't have a clue what you look like either, my dear. I spent the whole time standing with my back to the Emmi candidates Adrienne had picked out. She described the women to me from “a woman's perspective,” hence all the fashion details. I didn't see anything with my own eyes.
One hour later
Re: !!!!!!
Just one more question before we conclude our clever little game: which “Emmi” did your sister like the most, or which did she think I was?
Ten minutes later
Re: !!!!!!
She said about one of them, “That could be her!” About another she said, “That's probably her!” And about the third she said, “You'd fall in love with that one!”
Thirty seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
WHICH ONE WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH?????
Forty seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
Dear Emmi,
There's absolutely no way I'm EVER going to tell you that. Please spare yourself the effort of trying to drag it out of me. Have a nice evening. Thanks for the exciting “game.” I really like you, Emmi!
Yours,
Leo
Twenty-five seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
The blond with the large breasts, right?
Fifty seconds later
Re: !!!!!!
Forget it, Emmi dear!
One minute later
Re: !!!!!!
An evasive answer is an answer nonetheless. The blond with the large breasts it is, then!
The following evening
Subject: A bad day
Dear Leo,
Did you have a good day today? Mine was awful. Good evening, good night.
Emmi
(By the way, when you think of Emmi now, which Emmi comes to mind? I hope you
are
still thinking of Emmi!)
Three and a half hours later
Re: A bad day
When I think of Emmi, I don't think of any of the three Emmis described by my sister, but of the fourth one, my one. And yes, of course I'm still thinking about Emmi. Why didn't you have a good day? What was so awful about it? Good night, good morning.
Yours,
Leo
The following day
Subject: A good day!
Good morning. So you see, dear Leo, this is how a good day begins for me! I open my in-box and find a message from Leo Leike. Yesterday: bad day. No email from Leo. Not one. Not a single one. Not even a hint of one. What promise does a day like that hold? Leo, I need to tell you something: I think we should stop. I'm beginning to get addicted to you. I can't spend my entire day waiting for emails from a man who turns his back on me when he meets me, who doesn't want to get to know me, who only wants me to email him, who uses my words to construct a woman of his own making, because the presence of real women probably pushes him way beyond his comfort level. I can't go on like this. It's unrewarding. Do you understand me, Leo?
Two hours later
Re: A good day!
O.K., I understand you. But I've got four questions, which I shall set out in strict accordance with the Rothner formula:
1) Do you want to get to know me in person?
2) Why?
3) Where will it lead?
4) Should your husband know about it?
Half an hour later
Re: A good day!
Re: 1) Do I want to get to know you in person? Of course I do. Personally is preferable to impersonally, don't you think?
Re: 2) Why? I'll only know the answer to that when we've gotten to know each other.
Re: 3) Where will it lead? It will lead to wherever it leads. And if it didn't lead there, then it shouldn't. So it will only lead to where it should lead.
Re: 4) Should my husband know about it? I'll only know the answer to that when I know where it's leading.
Five minutes later
Re: A good day!
So would you cheat on your husband?
One minute later
Re: A good day!
That's not what I said.
Forty seconds later
Re: A good day!
I'm inferring it.
Thirty-five seconds later
Re: A good day!
Be careful that you don't infer too much.
Two minutes later
Re: A good day!
What is it your husband can't give you?
Fifteen seconds later
Re: A good day!
Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. What gives you the impression there's something he can't give me?
Fifty seconds later
Re: A good day!
I'm inferring it.
Thirty seconds later
Re: A good day!
From what are you inferring it? (You're beginning to get on my nerves with your language psychologist's inference.)
Ten minutes later
Re: A good day!
I'm inferring it from the way you lead me to understand that you want something from me. You won't be able to say what it is until we've met. But there's no doubt that you DO want something from me. Or put another way: you're looking for something. Let's call it adventure. Those who go looking for adventure never find it. Am I right?
An hour and a half later
Re: A good day!
You're right, I am looking for something. I desperately need a priest to explain to me the definition of cheating on your husband. Or at least what a priest might imagine it to be, a priest who has never cheated, not only because he doesn't have a woman to cheat with, but also because he doesn't have a wife to cheat on, except for the Virgin Mary herself. This isn't
The Thorn Birds
, Leo! I'm not looking for “adventure” with you. I just want to see who you are. Just once I want to look my email buddy in the eye. If that's what you call “cheating,” then I admit that I might just be a cheat.
Twenty minutes later
Re: A good day!
But just to be sure, you wouldn't tell your husband anything.
Fifteen minutes later
Re: A good day!
Leo, I don't like it when you come off all priggish! You're welcome to go on like that when it concerns your own affairs, but not when it comes to mine. Being happily married doesn't mean that you have to deliver a daily report of all the people you meet. If I did that, I'd bore Bernhard to tears.
Two minutes later
Re: A good day!
So you'd say nothing to your Bernhard about our meeting because you're afraid it would bore him to tears?
Three minutes later
Re: A good day!
Oh, the way you write “your Bernhard,” Leo! I can't help it that my husband has a name. But that doesn't mean that he belongs to me, or that he's glued to my side 24/7 with me endlessly cooing “My Bernhard!” and my hands all over him.
I don't think you have the faintest idea about marriage, Leo.
Five minutes later
Re: A good day!
I've not said a word about marriage, Emmi. And you still haven't answered my last question. But how did you put it recently? An evasive answer is an answer nonetheless.
Ten minutes later
Re: A good day!
Dear Leo, Let's draw a line under this. You're the one who owes ME an answer to my crucial question, which I'm happy to repeat for you: Do you want to meet me? If the answer's yes, then let's do it! If the answer's no, then please tell me what all this is about, how should it carry on? Or rather, should it carry on at all?
Twenty minutes later
Re: A good day!
Why can't we just carry on writing to each other?
Two minutes later
Re: A good day!
I don't get it: he just doesn't want to get to know me! You're such a fuddy-duddy, Leo. Maybe I'm the blonde with the large breasts!!!
Thirty seconds later
Re: A good day!
So?
Twenty seconds later
Re: A good day!
You could ogle them.
Thirty-five seconds later
Re: A good day!
And you'd like that, would you?
Twenty-five seconds later
Re: A good day!
Not me, you! All men like it, especially the ones who don't admit it.
Fifty seconds later
Re: A good day!
I much prefer these kinds of conversations.
Thirty seconds later
Re: A good day!
Aha! So you're a repressed sex-chat addict after all.
Three minutes later
Re: A good day!
That was a good one to end on, Emmi. Sorry, I've got to go out now. I hope you have a nice evening.
Four minutes later
Re: A good day!
Twenty-eight emails between us today, Leo. And where have they got us? Nowhere. What's your mantra?âdetachment. What's
your
parting shot?âyou hope that I “have a nice evening.” That's in “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from Emmi Rothner” territory. To sum up, after a hundred emails and a professionally executed meeting-without-actually-meeting, we're not a millimeter closer. The only thing sustaining our “inner non-acquaintance” is the staggering effort we devote. Leo. Leo. Leo. What a shame, what a terrible shame.
One minute later
Re: A good day!
If a day goes by when I don't email you, you complain.
And if I send you fourteen emails in five hours, you still complain. I don't seem to be able to do right by you at the moment, Emmi.
Twenty seconds later
Re: A good day!
Not by email at any rate!!! I hope you have a nice evening,
Mr. Leike.
Four days later
Subject: (no subject)
Peekaboo!
BW,
Emmi
The following day
Subject: (no subject)
If that's what you call tactics, Leo, it's pretty lame I must say! You can like me as much as you want, but I'm not writing to you anymore. See ya.
Five days later
Subject: (no subject)
You haven't been cut off, have you? I'm beginning to get worried. At least write “baa-aa” or something.
Three minutes later
Re:
O.K., Emmi, let's meet, I don't care. Do you still want to?
When? Today? Tomorrow? Day after tomorrow?
Fifteen minutes later
Re:
Hark at him, back from the dead!âAnd now all of a sudden he seems to be in a hurry to meet me. Well, maybe I will. But first you're going to have to explain to me why you haven't been in touch for a week and a half. And it had better be good!!
Ten minutes later
Re:
My mother died. Is that good enough?
Twenty seconds later
Re:
Shit. Are you being serious? How?
Three minutes later
Re:
On balance, bad luck. In the hospital they called it a “malignant tumor.” Fortunately it all happened pretty quickly. She wasn't in pain for long.
One minute later
Re:
Were you with her when she died?
Three minutes later
Re:
Almost. I was in the waiting room with my sister. The doctors said it wouldn't be a good time to see her. But I wonder when there could ever have been a better time.
Five minutes later
Re:
Were you close? (I'm sorry, Leo, people always seem to ask the same questions.)
Four minutes later
Re:
A week ago I'd have said no, we weren't close at all. Today, though, I'm wondering what it is that's eating away inside me, if not a “closeness.” But I don't want to bore you with my family history, Emmi.