Loving the White Liar (19 page)

“Please don’t look at me like that,” I begged, racking my brain for any way to calm him. And then, thinking fast on my feet, I told him, “Oh, I put your coffee in the freezer. I heard it keeps it fresher longer.”

He stopped pacing to look at me like I was the single dumbest human on earth. “What?!”

“It’s in the freezer and I’m done fighting. It’s five o’clock in the morning. I’ll have my shit out of your hair before the day is done.” I turned to walk away and heard the crash of one of my boxes. I jumped with a small scream and made my way to the bedroom. Twenty minutes later, Jayden slammed the front door.

I scrambled to the kitchen to see he had knocked my box over and loose silverware was on the floor. I sat in the middle of the kitchen talking to Marcy on the phone while I scooped up the silverware, putting it back in the canister. Marcy, clearly concerned by my tone, asked if I was okay.

“I just need a day. I’m sorry about this.”

“No worries. Moving is stressful. We’ll see you tomorrow.” I thanked her then hung up. I felt the oncoming of tears and pushed them down. I’d been warned. His outburst was a side-effect of his disorder. I had signed up for this and I knew what it entailed. It didn’t make his aggression any less painful. But I knew what it was. Brushing the pain of Jayden’s wrath away, I pushed my shoulders back and got to work.

It was too cold for me to swim laps that day, so I opted to take a long walk when Jayden was due to be home. I wasn’t ready to see him. I was still nervous and was unsure if he would agree with where I had placed my things. I had to remind myself that I didn’t have to walk on egg shells around the man I’d come to love so deeply. That man would without a shadow of a doubt let me know quickly what his tastes were.

“Hi.” I jumped at the sound of Jayden’s voice behind me and turned to look back at him. His eyes told me it hurt him to see me flinch at his voice.

“Hi,” I said back, pulling on Trip’s leash so he would stop his trotting.

Jayden took a step forward. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tell you in a text. It wasn’t enough.”

“I deserve that apology. That was bullshit,” I said, taking a step back. “And I’m mad at you for the way you treated me, but I know what that was. Just give me time to get over it.”

Jayden looked down at his shoes. “Hilary—”

“Leave me alone, okay. We’re good. I just don’t want to be around you right now.”

Jayden looked up at me, pain clear in his eyes. “Okay.” As he walked away, it took everything in me not to stop him. I didn’t expect his outbursts to be directed toward me. I didn’t expect to feel so damn twisted inside when it happened, either. I don’t know what I expected, but it sure as hell wasn’t that.

And
that
was the moment every single warning I’d gotten clicked into place.

That night in bed next to a sleeping Jayden, I finally did my research. Jayden’s outburst had made me more than curious about what I was dealing with. With each click of the mouse, I felt more and more guilty that I hadn’t so much as bothered to assess what he had to deal with on a daily basis. It was becoming more evident I had been way too blasé about it.

Becoming more and more unsettled with each click of my mouse, I looked over to Jayden who was sleeping peacefully with what I’d just read going through my head. Every single article on ADHD said the same thing: odds were not in our favor. Relationships involving a person with ADHD were difficult to maintain. People who married ADHD sufferers were more likely to divorce and on and on.

Looking at Jayden’s profile, his lips slightly parted, I couldn’t imagine anything other than being with the man beside me.
This
was the man I loved. All of him, the parts that worked and the ones that didn’t work for him, I loved all of him completely. I’d agreed to be his wife wholeheartedly and before that to never give up on him. I closed my laptop and lay beside him, staring at his face. I had been lucky in my past. I hadn’t had to deal with what other women typically went through to get to the good ones. I had mostly mature adult relationships that just didn’t work out for one reason or another.

As much as I was in love with the idea of love, it was only until Jayden had come into my life that I understood what poetry it truly could be. Gambling on our relationship could cause me a lot of heartache and headache, but that decision had already been made.

Jayden reached out for me in his sleep and pulled me to him. With his soft breath in my ear, I felt the shiver cover me the way it always did when he was close. My passion for him was sweet poison in a way. I understood it better now more than ever and reveled in my love for him, knowing in the end it could hurt me to be with him.

Wrapping my arms around him, I uncorked the cap and took a swallow. His poison could come at me in any form. I would be its greatest contender.

“Oh, baby,” my mother cried.

“This is so amazing!” She looked at my ring and then to me. “You called it months ago. You knew that man was going to ask.”

“I’d hoped,” I piped happily. “I’ve never been so happy, Mom.”

She rounded the kitchen island and pulled me into a hug. “So when is the big day?”

“That’s what I came to tell you. We are eloping.”

My mother’s smile faded as she gave me a stern look. “Like hell you are.”

“Mom, it’s what we want. We can’t afford a big wedding and...ah, ah, before you say anything, we want to take the money you and Dad would have spent and put it down on a house.”

My mother paced. “We have wedding funds for all you girls and I finally get the green light and you take away my thunder!” She was pissed and I could tell by the way her nostrils flared, but mostly by her reddening ears—a sure sign when we were kids we were about to receive an ass whooping with the wooden spoon.

Damn that painful spoon.

Thinking quickly, I picked it up out of the container and hid it in a drawer before I approached her.

“We want to do it our way,” I pleaded. “We just want to be married, Mom. I’ve never, ever wanted a big wedding. We want a home. That’s what makes up happy. And I’ll let you help us pick it out, okay?”

She stopped her pacing with a sigh. “I’ll get over it. Damn it, child, at least tell me you will have kids.” I looked up at her and paused.

“What, is that too traditional for you, too, Hilary?”

“No. We will...eventually, someday...maybe.”

She stopped her assault and sat next to me. “What is it?”

“I’m just going to put it out there. But, Mom, you have to promise me you won’t change your mind about him, okay? Because nothing’s really wrong, it’s just something he and I have to deal with.”

“You’re scaring me,” she said, searching my eyes.

“He’s got ADHD.”

“Okay,” she said, looking for more than that.

“See, that...
that
right there is what I thought, too.”

“Are we speaking Japanese here? What am I missing?” She tucked a piece of dark red hair behind my ear and looked at me. “Those beautiful blue eyes your father gave you deserve to be passed down, kid. What’s the issue?”

“With ADHD, it’s hard to maintain a normal relationship. There are things that he does that make it hard.”

“Yes, I know what it is. He has a hard time keeping focus.”

“It’s much more than that,” I said, afraid my own words may be the reason I scared my mother.

“Like what?”

“Temper, sudden uncontrollable outbursts, anxiety...There is a lot he has to deal with going on inside him.”

She gave me a wary eye. “Abuse?”

“Never,” I said quickly. “His comments can be hurtful, but it’s not abuse. But bringing a child into the mix will have to wait until we are really solid.”

“Baby, are you sure about this? I mean, I love Jayden. He seems like a great guy, but is it worth the rest of your life?”

“Absolutely. He’s it, Mom. Just don’t harp on us for grandkids. We need time to adjust.”

“Okay, baby, if you’re sure. But if I hear any different, I’ll be sticking my nose in.”

“His outbursts are few and far between. As for the rest, I’m so used to it, it doesn’t bother me. I love being with him. He’s so damn smart, Mom. And, God, the way he treats me. I can’t get enough. I won’t ever get enough.” She beamed at me and I hugged her tight. “I see everything when I look at him. He’s definitely my planet.”

“That look on your face is the same one your father had the day you were born,” she said tearfully. “I knew he was taken with Alexis. She was the first. But one look at you and he just seemed to sink.” I looked up at my mother, who had tears in her eyes. “I think you were his favorite from the minute you came into this world. That man loved you something fierce. As a parent, you aren’t supposed to be partial, but he always seemed to smile a little bit bigger with you around.” Tears came heavy as I embraced my mother who hugged me back. “So if that man treats you well enough and you love him that much, you have our blessing.”

I nodded as my mother cried in my arms. “I miss him so much.” I held her tightly as I whispered, “I’m so proud of you, Mom.”

That was the first time she had spoken to me about my father since he died and it was only for her to tell me how much he loved me. And that was the way of my parents. They were all about those they loved. And that’s who I was raised to be for Jayden. And I would love him as I was taught.