Lucky Penny (27 page)

Was the queen bee of Wellington nervous? Around a guy?

Me?

Not possible.

I turned slightly and half-smiled at her. “Thanks for the offer, but trust me, you don’t want to hear about my fucked-up life.”

“Blake…” Brittany paused, and her eyes dropped to my lips. Next thing I knew, she was leaning into me and covering my mouth with her own.

Guilt fired through me.

And then I remembered Penny’s card.

Warm lips moved against mine again and some of the guilt peeled away, filling me with a numbness I welcomed. All of the pain and the hurt drowned out in a clumsy half-wasted kiss with a girl I barely liked. I wrapped an arm around Brittany’s waist and dragged her closer as she pushed her tongue into my mouth.

I felt nothing.

But nothing was better than feeling everything.

I
felt like I was free falling.

Blake dragged his mouth over my neck again, and I panted as I gripped onto him, needing him to ground me.

“Is this okay? Tell me if you need me to stop,” his own breathy voice asked.

I nodded, too full of emotion to reply.

Slowly, painfully, Blake pulled out of me and slid back in. I arched into him. It wasn’t bad pain, that part had passed quickly; now, it was the most delicious pain I’d ever experienced, and as he moved inside of me, I felt the shattered pieces of my soul start to heal.

“Penny, I love you so fucking much. I never stopped.” Warm lips lingered on my skin, searing each word into my heart.

He loves me.

Blake. Loves. Me.

My eyes fluttered shut overwhelmed by everything. Blake was everywhere. His weight bearing down on me, strong hands entwined with my own above my head, our slick skin fused together. I was lost in him.

“Penny, Penny, come back to me,” his voice coaxed me from the sensations running through my body, and I opened my eyes to find Blake gazing down at me. “I need you with me. Stay with me.”

His lips came down on mine, and his tongue traced the seam of my mouth as he nudged it open. Fighting back the tears building, I freed my hands and slid them down to Blake’s broad shoulders. I pulled him closer, circling his tongue with my own. He moved inside me again, deeper this time, and I gasped. Blake smiled through his kiss and released one of his hands to hook it under my thigh and pull up my leg around his waist. My pants came harder and faster. I was chasing my own breath, but I wanted more. Needed more. I wasn’t sure I would survive without it.

“Blake, I… I, ahh God…” I murmured into his mouth, and Blake pulled back ever so slightly to whisper, “Just let go. I have you.” He broke our kiss to tuck his arm around my neck and pull me into the crook of his neck. His teeth grazed my shoulder; his movements grew more frantic but never too hard or too fast. Just right.

Perfect.

Trembling wracked through me as heat uncoiled low in my stomach. I clung onto Blake with the fear that if I let go, I would fall into oblivion. As the feelings intensified, everything became a blur of limbs, kisses, breaths, and moans. I writhed underneath Blake needing it to stop and wanting it never to end all at the same time.

It was too much.

Not enough.

And when I thought I couldn’t take anything else from him, Blake untangled me from his chest and laid me back against the pillows. His tongue trailed down my damp skin between my breasts, licking and sucking until his mouth closed around one of my nipples and my world exploded.

As my body shuddered with pleasure, Blake found his own release, collapsing on top of me and pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. “Thank you.” It was no more than a whisper against my skin, but I heard it. Although, through my ragged breaths and the rush of euphoria flowing through me, I couldn’t comprehend what Blake possibly had to thank me for.

Didn’t he realize he had just given me everything?

We lay there in silence, our uneven breaths the only sound around us. After a couple of minutes, Blake pressed another kiss to my lips and rolled off me. In the sliver of moonlight illuminating the room, I could just make out the outline of his taut muscles as he walked into the small bathroom adjoining my room and disposed of the condom. He didn’t say a word as he came back to the bed or as he climbed in beside me, rolled me slightly, and pulled me to him so my back rested against his chest.

As our breathing evened out so did the mood. The weight of what had just happened started to crush me where I lay. I had given myself to Blake—to a man who was promised to another. What in the hell was I thinking?

I wasn’t.

That’s what it all came down to. That, for once in my life, I didn’t think, I just did. Tired of letting my past, my fears, define me, I hadn’t been thinking when I leaned into Blake and kissed him or when he’d slowly undressed me before kissing every inch of my bare skin.

I hadn’t been thinking at all.

I was too blinded by him.

By us.

By those three little words.

I love you.

Now, everything was more confused than ever. Blake said he loved me,
showed
me he meant it, but what happened now?

He was engaged.

Engaged!

Just thinking the word made my stomach plummet and my head spin.

“Stop,” Blake said brushing lazy circles along the soft curves of my waist.

“Stop what?” I replied, and Blake pressed another kiss to my shoulder. It was as if he couldn’t help himself, and the thought made me smile.

“Overthinking things. Just let us have this moment. We deserve that, don’t we?”

He felt it too, the consequences of our actions. We weren’t children now; we couldn’t just lay in No Man’s Land and pretend as if everything was fine. We were adults, and we had responsibilities.
He has a fiancée.

“Blake…” I started; the bubble had burst. I needed to know. “Wha-”

“No, Penny, not now. Not yet. I need this. We need this.”

“But-”

Blake rolled me in his arms until we were lying side by side and our eyes connected. “I love you, Penny. I love you so much I can’t see straight. For now, that’s enough, isn’t it? I know things are fucked up, but right now, I’m lying here beside you as yours. I have waited seven and a half years for this moment. Please, don’t ruin it.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Blake pulled me to him tighter tucking my head under his chin. I would give him this, but we had to face up to our actions sooner or later.

I awoke startled. The comforter was pulled up around me, but something was wrong. My hand reached out for him only to meet empty space. Blake was no longer in the bed. I sat up and rubbed my eyes in an attempt to adjust to the darkness cloaking the room.

“We should talk,” a strained voice said from the corner of my small room. I narrowed my eyes and made out Blake’s profile sitting on the chair next to the dresser.

“Wha-what time is it? Did we fall asleep?”

“It’s after two.”

“Shit.” I rolled over and hit the lamp on the bedside table. “Are you okay?” It was a stupid question; from the look on Blake’s face, he was anything but okay.

Blake, now fully clothed, rose from the chair and came to sit on the edge of the bed. His hand reached out for me, and I interlaced my fingers with his. Why did I feel sick all of a sudden?

“Do you regret it?”

“Wha- what?” I said panic rising in my throat. “How could you even ask me that?”

“Fuck, I don’t know, Penny. I felt you freaking out before we fell asleep, and it was your first time, and I’m…”

“Engaged.” I finished his sentence. “I’m confused and my emotions are all over the place, but Blake, please know that tonight was everything to me. I could never regret it. Ever.”

Relief washed over his face and he leaned over to brush my jaw with his knuckle. “I meant it. Every word. I love you, Penny. I have always loved you.”

Blake uncurled his fist, and I pressed my cheek into his open palm needing to be close. I wasn’t ready to say the words. Not after everything. Not with everything still standing in our way of a chance to be together. But hopefully, he knew.

“I have to go,” he said, regret shining in his eyes. “It’s Thanksgiving, and I can’t just disappear, but I’ll find a way to get away tonight. I’ll come here?”

I nodded unable to talk through the huge lump lodged in my throat.

“This isn’t me running out on you again, okay? You have to believe me, Penny. But things are complicated, and I can’t just walk out of my life. Give me today.” Blake pulled me to him and covered my lips with his. His tongue swept hungrily into my mouth and swirled with mine. It was different from the kisses before. This was desperate and full of frustration, and while it didn’t feel like goodbye, it did ignite a ball of nervous energy in my stomach. When he pulled away, I couldn’t stop the rush of tears from my eyes. Blake’s face paled, and he wiped the stream away with the pad of his thumb. “Please don’t cry. I promise I’ll come back later. I won’t lose you again.”

I had to believe him.

What alternative did I have?

I spent Thanksgiving holed up in my apartment eating stale crackers and watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I couldn’t stomach anything else. After Blake had left in the middle of the night, I had woken hours later to a blanket of bright white snow. I couldn’t even make out Blake’s tracks down the stairwell. Marissa had called before she sat down with her family to eat. I didn’t tell her about Blake. For now, it remained our secret. Only, it was so much more than just a secret to me. I wanted it to remain that way for as long as possible because once it was out in the open, and people knew, it would taint what was the best night of my life.

Blake was always supposed to be my first. I’d wanted to lose myself in him long before we turned seventeen, the age Blake insisted we wait until. He said we weren’t ready, that I wasn’t ready. Not after what Derek did. I guess he knew best because looking back, I wasn’t ready, and although it hurt so much more to lose Blake when I hadn’t got to experience everything with him, it would have only made it ten times worse if I had.

I didn’t doubt that what I experienced at the hands of Derek resulted in my inability to let people in—to let them touch me. But, now, after my night with Blake, I felt more certain than ever that the way I closed down and feared touch was also a result of being abandoned by the one person I trusted enough to give myself to. Of course, a shrink might have argued that my anxieties were a direct effect of my trauma—losing my parents, abuse by my replacement caregivers—but I felt it. Blake was intrinsic to everything I had lived with for the last six years. One single event didn’t change me; it was a series of intertwined incidents, and one way or another, Blake was a part of them all.