Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (21 page)

Sunday was visitin day, an the wards was crowded wit people. Ye couldn't see in the wards wit the amount of smoke. Everyone had a cigarette. The nurses locked the tilets so tha the visitors couldn't use them. I was out on the passage wit me legs crossed, dyin te go te the tilet. I was draggin meself up an down lookin fer a nurse, but I couldn't find one. Me eyes was waterin, an I didn't know wha te do. I kept lookin up an down the passage, an I couldn't move any more. The pooley was streamin down me legs. I was cryin me eyes out, an me legs was twisted tryin te hold it. Me shoes was soppin wet, an there was a big pool aroun me feet. When the nurse finally came down the passage, swingin her big bell an tellin the visitors their time was up, she came up te me an took the big bunch of keys from her belt an opened the tilet. I swung me way in, feelin very ashamed of meself. When I did finally sit on the tilet, I thought I'd never want te get up again. I gave meself a huge big sigh an emptied me shoes down the tilet. The smell of meself reminded me of me bed at home, an I got a jerk in me chest from the fright.

The sores from me head was nearly gone, an me hair was beginnin te grow back. I didn't have lice any more, an me skin was lovely an soft. But me legs was still purply lookin, an I still had the zig-zag marks across me legs from where Jackser used te hit me wit the buckle of his leather belt. I don't think about him any more, an I don't even miss me ma, cos I got used te not seein her since I came inta the hospital. I was jumpin up an down on me bed, havin a great time, bouncin on the mattress, an Kathleen said suddenly, ‘Look, there's gypsies lookin in at ye, an they're laughin!'

‘How can they see in here?' I asked her.

‘Cos we're on the ground floor.'

‘Where are they?' I said. ‘I can't see them!' I didn't believe her, cos I couldn't see anyone. So I sat back down, an I was wonderin about this when a few minutes later me ma appeared in the door.

‘How are ye, Martha?' she said. ‘Ye look lovely.' An she was laughin.

I got a shock, an I didn't know wha te think. So I just stared at her. ‘Ma, did ye see any gypsies outside lookin in the winda at me?'

‘No, but we saw ye, an he was laughin at ye jumpin on the mattress. He said if the nurse catches ye, she'll kill ye!' An then she got a good look at me head an said it was nearly cured, an I'd be able te come home soon. I didn't like the sound of tha, an I just looked at her.

‘When will tha be, Ma?' I asked her.

‘Soon! It shouldn't be too long now. I'll have te get ye somethin te wear. I'll get ye a lovely coat an frock, an a nice pair of shoes. Where's yer old shoes?' me ma asked.

‘The nurse threw them out. I have nice woolly socks instead, lookit!' I said, shovin me feet inta her face te make sure she got a good look at them.

‘Right!' she said, chewin her lip. ‘I'd better go. He's outside, waitin wit the pram. He told me not te be long.' Then she waved at me an stopped te look, an went off like she didn't really want te go.

When she was gone, I got all excited an said te Kathleen, ‘Tha was me mammy! She came te see me! Did ya know tha, Kathleen? Did ya! Wasn't it great?' Kathleen was very quiet, an I sat back te think about me mammy. She was here! I couldn't believe it. An she was happy, cos I was nearly cured. An I'm lookin grand.

Kathleen got loads a sweets an lemonade an fruit an even a new pair of slippers from her visitors last Sunday. She was sittin on the bed sortin them out. An I couldn't believe all the stuff she had. I was hopin she'd give me somethin, but she didn't. She had a big bar a Cadbury's chocolate an a small thruppeny one. I asked her fer a bit, an she said no! But she did peel an orange, an I got a bit of tha. But I'm not mad about oranges. I wouldn't class them as sweets. I really wanted a bit of her chocolate. So when she went out te the bathroom te do herself up, I leapt outa me bed an decided te hide her sweets. But when I saw the chocolate, I couldn't help meself. I put all her sweets back where I found them an took off wit the big bar of chocolate.

I rushed in te Granny. I thought I'd be safer there. ‘I'm not busy, Granny! Can I stay wit you?' I said.

‘Course ye can, beauty. Come on, sit up here,' an Granny patted the side of her bed fer me te jump up. ‘Wha's tha ye have?' Granny said, lookin at me chocolate.

‘Do ye want a bit?' An I broke off a little bit an gave it te Granny. I sat there watchin Granny's mouth suckin on the chocolate, an I did the same. Suckin slowly, not bitin, te make it last. ‘Tha's lovely! Where'd ye get tha?' Granny asked.

‘Eh, Kathleen!'

‘God, isn't she very good! She must really like ye!'

I had two bits left when I heard Kathleen roarin me name. I got such a shock I stuffed them in me mouth an threw meself offa the bed an hid under it. I shut me eyes tight an chewed like mad, not enjoyin the chocolate any more. I could hear Kathleen givin out, an when I opened me eyes, I was lookin at her new pink fluffy slippers. Then she ducked down an pulled me by the leg from under Granny's bed. ‘Give it te me! Where is it? Where's me chocolate? What else did ye take?'

‘Hold on, what ails ye? Don't be frightenin the child!' Granny said te Kathleen.

‘She robbed me chocoate! I didn't even barely get a chance te look at it, never mind eat it!' Kathleen roared.

Then the nurse came inta the ward an said, ‘What's happening?'

An Granny said, ‘Ah, it's only Kathleen gettin excited about nothin. Go on wit the nurse, Kathleen, ye need a bit of rest.

‘Come over te me, you,' an she put out her arms an I sat meself up beside her, an she buried me head in her chest an stroked me head an said, ‘Tha was a very bold thing ye did. Deprivin poor Kathleen of her chocolate. But ye're a good girl, an ye didn't mean her no harm, did ye?'

‘No, Granny!' I said, lookin up inta her face. An I started te cry, cos I was sorry I had robbed poor Kathleen's chocolate.

Granny took the corner of her washcloth an made me blow me nose. An she wiped me eyes, an then she said, ‘Right! Let's cheer ourselves up! Get me tha bag in the locker,' an I jumped down an gave it te her. She took out a bag of mixed luxury biscuits, an I got a pink an white fluffy one wit jam in the middle, an a lovely Kimberley one. An Granny put two aside fer her cup of tea at eleven.

This mornin, the nurse told me not te leave me bed, cos me mammy was comin te take me home. I'm waitin now, all day. An she's still not here. I'm dyin te see me new clothes. I wonder wha the coat will be like, an me new frock an shoes! I'm afraid te think of anythin else, an I'm feelin a bit sick at the thought of goin home. I keep feelin me head, an I have a few sores still. But me head feels lovely an clean, an me hair is startin te grow back. The porter said I look like a little hedgehog, but I'll have lovely hair when it grows back. I was just beginnin te think I might be able te stay when me ma suddenly appeared in the door.

‘Come on! Hurry up,' she said. ‘I'm late,' an she whipped me nightie off. ‘Here, put this on!' an she put a summer frock over me head. It was lighter than me nightdress. Then she put a pair of sandals on me feet, an I stood up. ‘Here, put yer arm out,' an she put a rubber raincoat on me. It was all cold an damp, an I was cold in it.

‘I don't like this coat, Ma. Where's me new coat?'

‘Tha's all I could get!' me ma said, an she was in very bad humour. ‘I've no knickers or vest fer ye. An I couldn't get ye a hat or a pair of socks, but ye can wear me head scarf. It will keep yer head warm.'

I walked out the door wit me ma, an I didn't say goodbye te anyone. I knew now I didn't belong here any more, an no one would have anythin te say te me, cos I wasn't one of them. I take a size nine in a shoe, me ma says, an these sandals were a size one. So they were too big fer me. An they kept slippin off me feet. By the time we got outa the hospital grounds an walked down James's Street an onta Thomas Street, I was shiverin wit the cold. It was tea time, an everyone was rushin home from work te get outa the dark rainin night. The shops had their Christmas decorations up, an the windas were blinkin on an off wit the fairy lights. I couldn't keep up wit me ma's rushin. An she was tryin te pull me along by the hand. ‘No, Ma! The sandals are cuttin me feet. I can't walk in these.' We both looked down at me feet. The sandals was miles too big fer me, an me feet was already raw an wet. ‘Can we not take the bus!' I asked her.

‘No! I haven't got the fare. We'll just have te walk. Right! Give me them fuckin shoes. Ye'll have te walk without them or we'll never get back, an tha bastard will be lookin fer trouble. I was out lookin fer hours, tryin te get somethin fer ye te wear. An now I'm afraid of me life, wonderin wha he'll do when we get back. Ye know wha he's like! He doesn't like te be left on his own.'

I go now fer me milk collection. Every mornin I go up te the top of Gardiner Street an onta Belvedere an collect two bottles of milk fer me ma. It's the free milk fer childre under five. I join the queue of other childre all waitin fer the door te open, then we form a line. Tha's when the pushin an shovin starts. The big young fellas throw their weight aroun an pick on the smaller childre. But I've managed te show them I'm not a softie. I'm not as big or as strong as them, but I roar like mad, an when one fella gave me a box an pushed me outa me line, I took a stick wit me the next time I went an banged him over the head. I'd searched fer hours lookin fer tha stick on the street. An now he leaves me alone. I collect a bottle of milk fer a neighbour who lives across the road, an I'm always afraid I'll drop the milk on me way home, cos it's hard te manage three bottles in me arms. She gives me one shillin an six pence a week fer gettin her the milk. An I haven't told Jackser. So I can spend the money on sweets, or what I do is keep somethin back an buy Jackser five Woodbines te stop him killin me when I know I'm in trouble. Or maybe buy me ma a bag of chips, te cheer her up. I think it's much better te spend the money on them te keep the peace than te buy sweets fer meself.

I was on me way home this mornin, it's Easter Sunday, an I'll be gettin paid me one an six. I was busy thinkin how I'll spend it, maybe buy me brother a bit of chocolate, when I dropped a bottle of milk! I couldn't stop cryin. I'll have te tell the neighbour it was her milk. I was shakin when I knocked on her door. ‘I broke yer bottle of milk! It slipped outa me arms,' I said, lookin up at her.

She said nothin, just looked down at me fer a while. An then she said, ‘How do ye know it was
my
bottle?'

I kept lookin at her, tryin te think. ‘It was, cos they told me in the dairy it was yer milk. So tha's how I know!'

‘Yeah, go on!' she said. ‘More like ye'd get yerself kilt if ye went home without it. Ye know I won't pay ye fer breakin me milk! An I'll not bother ye again te collect it fer me.' She slammed the door, an I was left wonderin if I'd lost, cos I knew Jackser couldn't kill me now. I had his milk safe, an tha was more important!

Me ma's had enough of Jackser an she's decided te kill him. ‘We'd never get away from tha mad bastard,' she said. ‘He'd hound us. An probably end up killin us! So I'm goin te get him first!'

I looked at me ma, an me mouth was hangin open. ‘Yeah, Ma!' I said, slowly thinkin. ‘But how will we do it?'

‘I'll poison him,' she said. ‘Wit this!' an she picked up a bottle. It looked like medicine te me. ‘I'm goin te put it in his tea!'

I said, ‘Will he drop down dead, Ma?'

‘Yeah! But I can't let him get wise te me. So I won't put too much in at first, in case he tastes it.'

Tha was decided so, an I waited fer Jackser te come back an demand his tea. I couldn't stop thinkin about Jackser droppin dead. An I was makin all sorts of plans. I'd get meself a shoppin bag, an I'd take up more milk deliveries. I'd save up an buy a go-car, one the young fellas makes fer themselves fer playin aroun in. An then I could collect the turf fer people an drag it along on the go-car. Ye get a shillin a bag, I think, fer deliverin it after collectin it from the depot. Yeah! I'd make enough money te keep me ma an me brothers. Now I'm just headin inta eight years old I've got enough sense te be able te take care of things.

When he came back, he marched inta the room, an said, ‘Right, Mrs! Have ye got a sup of tea ready? I'm starvin.' Then he threw off his coat an put it behind the door, an then unlaced his boots an threw them under the bed. An then he rolled himself onta the mattress an lay down wit his hands behind his head. ‘Tha fuckin labour exchange'd do yer head in. Ye'd think it was comin outa their own pockets, the way they carry on. Have ye done any work in the last week? No! Are ye lookin fer work? Yes! Well, sign this! Do tha! I'm gettin no more than I'm entitled. So fuck them!' Jackser said.

I looked at me ma as she busied herself aroun the cooker. We were readin each other's eyes. ‘I have te bide me time!' she whispered.

I kept a watch on Jackser. ‘Go on, Ma! He's dozin.' Her eyes were like knives as she looked over at him. An she took the bottle outa her frock pocket an poured a little inta his mug of tea. But as she was doin it, the babby had crawled under the bed after Jackser's boots an was chewin an dribblin all over the laces. He suddenly banged the shoe up an down on the floorboards an was delighted wit himself. Poor Charlie had got hold of the other one an was about te try it on himself when Jackser got a sudden shock from the babby's bangin. He shot up an reached out, grabbin Charlie an sendin him flyin, an the babby jumped an shook an squealed. He dropped the boot an took te his hands an knees, an shot under the table. Me ma screamed an threw the bottle from her hand, an it smashed inta the sink. An without thinkin, I was openin the door onta the landin, makin me getaway. Me ma turned on Jackser wit the fright an disappointment at breakin the bottle, an roared, ‘Don't be fuckin shoutin, ye bandy aul fucker. Ye're after frightenin the life outa everyone!'