Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (38 page)

‘Three quid!' I said, haulin meself up onta the high counter an diggin me feet inta the panel te stop the aul ones pushin me off.

‘I'll give ye a pound,' he said, lookin at me ma.

She chewed her lip an said slowly, ‘Ah, no! I won't take tha.'

‘Two pound ten, Mister. Them clothes are the best quality money can buy!' I shouted up.

Eddie looked at me an said, ‘Are ye tryin te take me job? Thirty bob! Tha's the best I can do,' he said.

‘OK, leave it at two quid. We'll be back on Friday te claim them,' I said.

‘Thirty-five bob, an that's me final offer!' Eddie said, puttin the stuff back in the pillacase.

Me ma looked at me, happily chewin her lip. ‘Done, Mister!' I said.

‘Jaysus, ye can let her out!' an aul one said, laughin behind me.

I was jumpin up an down, all delighted. ‘Yeah!' me ma was sayin. ‘Tha aul bastard is not comin back. I got rid of him. Here, eat up tha dinner before it gets cold.'

I looked at the half-raw sausage an was about te say, ‘I think it's supposed te be brown, Ma, not still snow white,' when I heard a roar in me head.

‘Wake up, ye stupid bastard!'

I shot up in the bed an looked inta Jackser's face. His mouth was openin, an his eyes was starin at me. Spit was comin from his mouth, an he was roarin somethin at me. I looked aroun an the light was still on. It must still be the night, wha's happenin? I looked at him again, tryin te understand. He lunged at me, grabbin me by the neck, an hauled me onta the floor. ‘Do ye hear what I'm sayin te ya? Wake yerself up an get out there an watch te see if anyone is watchin us. The St Vincents are comin te see us in a minute, an I don't want anyone knowin me business. Now move!' He bent down suddenly an picked up me frock from the floor an threw it, landin it on me head. I pulled it on fast an headed fer the door. ‘An don't come back until I tell ye te!'

‘No, Jackser! I won't.'

I rushed out inta the dark hall an onta the street. It was pitch black, an the freezin cold hit me full blast. I started te shiver. I stopped an looked up an down. It was very quiet, not a soul te be seen or even a sound heard. I crossed me arms an hunched me shoulders, droppin me head down tryin te get a bit of heat. An rushed fer the stone stairs te get in outa the freezin cold an the wind tha would cut ye in two. I sat meself down on the cold stairs an pulled me frock over me knees. I felt me arse startin te freeze straight away an lifted meself up a little, balancin against the stone wall. Aw, Gawd, that's worse. I jumped up an started te hop, tryin te get a bit of heat. But I was too tired an sat back down again. Te hell wit it, an started te rock backwards an forwards. If only I could stay in me warm bed. He does this every week. Wakin me from me sleep an makin me sit out here te watch fer nothin. People are not watchin him at all. This is all a waste of time. Why is he not like other people? I don't see anyone else carryin on like this. He won't call me in. I'll have te sit out here fer hours an then creep up te the door an knock meself, hopin he won't kick the heart outa me cos the Vincents haven't come yet. An he'll let me in an just say, ‘Right! Get inta tha bed.' But it's not long enough yet. An the cold is painin me everywhere, cos I've nothin on but a vest an me aul frock. I can't last tha long, an I opened me mouth an started te cry. An it caught in me throat, cos the fear hit me. Jackser might hear me an kick me te death fer makin a show of him. So I stopped an rocked meself harder an waited.

At last I was back. I rushed in through the gates inta the buildins. Me arms was achin, an I was tryin not te drop the messages. It was a long way from the shop in Summerhill te drag all this stuff. But ye had te go only te tha shop, cos no one else would take the ten shillin voucher me ma got from the St Vincents. An ye could only get food fer it. So tha meant Jackser couldn't spend it on drink. He was ragin. But I was delighted. I got inta the hall an banged on the door wit the heel of me foot. The bottle of milk was beginnin te slip. Me ma opened the door. ‘Quick, Ma! Grab the milk before it smashes te the ground.' She caught it as it slipped from under me arm. I wriggled over te the table, an everythin was beginnin te fall. ‘Ma! Take the stuff offa me. I can't hold it.' Me ma grabbed the bag of sugar an took the rest of the messages an put them on the table. I tried te stretch me arms, an they were locked solid.

‘Did ye get everythin?' me ma said.

‘Yeah, Ma!' I said, a bit worried in case everythin wasn't there.

‘Did ye get the packet a Lyons tea? An the half-pound a margarine? An let's see, the loaf a bread!'

‘Yeah! I got the lot.'

‘Where's me fuckin five Woodbines?' Jackser shouted from the bed. ‘Ye were long enough. I was goin te get up outa this bed an come after ye. An if I'd caught ye takin yer time, I'd a made ye sorry ye were ever born.'

‘Yeah, Jackser! I got yer Woodbines! An I was hurryin very fast. But I had te wait until the shop was emptied, like ye told me te. So no one would see me handin over the voucher an know yer business. An I had te wait a long time, cos the shop was crowded.'

‘Gimme the fuckin cigarettes an stop yer guff. Now get outside an play an don't go far. I may be lookin fer ye, so I want ye te be ready in case I call ye. An when I do, I'll only call once, so ye better come runnin!'

‘Yeah! OK, Jackser, I won't go far!'

‘An mind them kids!' me ma shouted after me as I made fer the door. ‘Here! Take the babby out in his pram.'

I pushed the pram outside an went back in an picked Harry up off the floor an carried him out te the pram. His arse was bare, an Jackser jumped outa the bed an gave me a clout over the head an dragged me back inside, still holdin on te the babby.

‘Here, Mrs!' he shouted at me ma. ‘Would ye ever put a pair of trousers on tha child an don't be lettin tha bastard a yours make a show a this house. The whore's melt is blind as well as stupid. Couldn't she see ye can't bring no child a mine out in his skin! Lettin everyone think I'm not as good as the rest of them!'

‘Ah, don't be moidierin me!' me ma was mutterin, lookin aroun half-heartedly fer somethin te put on the babby.

Harry was slippin down me legs, an I was tryin te keep a hold of him. Me nerves was goin, watchin me ma chewin her lip an takin her time. Me head was swivellin from her te Jackser, who was pacin up an down now, clenchin his fists by his sides an givin vicious side looks te the two of us.

The babby started te squeal, an I was startin te shake. What'll I do? Anytime now, he's goin te land his fists on us. I whispered te me ma, ‘Give us somethin quick, Ma, te put on him.'

‘I've nothin,' me ma said, annoyed an worried at the same time. ‘Everythin is soppin wit piss. Ah, just leave him there!'

I put the babby down an watched Jackser, afraid te move. He whirled aroun on the balls of his feet an grabbed me. ‘Go on, then, get out, an if this lazy aul hag doesn't get off her arse an do somethin aroun here, she'll find herself an her bastards out on the streets again where she belongs.' He opened the door an threw me across the hall. I managed te land on me back an roll, tight as a ball, an jump te me feet, headin fer the street, in case he decided te put the boot in me.

I ran fer the stairs an sat meself down. Me heart was poundin, an I tried te slow me breath. Then I jumped up an sneaked a look out te see if Jackser was comin after me. No sign of him. I let out a big breath an sat back down again, well hidden on the landin step. Now I'd see him before he sees me. I could look over the banisters te keep a watch. He's an awful habit of creepin up behind ye an catchin ye unawares. ‘Ye won't see me comin, but I'm always watchin ye!' he roars at me.

Teddy staggered past cryin, an a young fella of about three came after him wit a stick. I leapt up an took the stairs two at a time, catchin the young fella's arm as he was wavin the stick in the air an threatenin Teddy wit it. ‘Ah, no ye don't!' I said, takin the stick off him.

‘Tha's mine!' he screamed.

‘Why are ye hittin him? Ye can't do tha, ye're a little blackguard.'

‘He spit at me!' the young fella roared. An I looked at Teddy, all black-faced an snots. An he gave a spit at the young fella, an it went nowhere, just dribbled down his chin.

I laughed. ‘Ah! Don't be hittin him, he's only a babby, an you're a big fella. Look at the size of ye. If ye go aroun hittin babbies, everyone will say you're a coward. Now, ye don't want tha, do ye?'

‘No! An I'm not a coward.'

‘Course ye're not. I can see tha, ye just forgot he was a babby!'

‘Yeah, ye're right, I forgot!'

‘So will ye mind him fer me an don't let anyone else hit him?' I bent down te the young fella an looked inta his face, smilin at him. He was thinkin about this an said, ‘Yeah, I'll be his bodyguard!'

‘Right! Now don't let him wander out the gates! He'll get kilt wit the cars.'

‘No, I'm big, an he won't escape me!' An he grabbed Teddy's hand an said, ‘Come on, we're goin te play cowboys an injuns.'

Teddy roared an shook the young fella's hand away. I grabbed Teddy an wiped the snots wit the hem of me frock. ‘Go on, Teddy! Frankie's goin te play wit ye.'

Teddy looked at Frankie bendin down an smilin at him. ‘Yeah! I'll be the cowboy an ye be the injun, ye can even have me stick.'

‘See,' I said, givin Teddy the stick. He roared laughin, delighted, an ran off, chasin Frankie wit the stick.

I looked aroun, wonderin where Charlie was. He was supposed te be watchin Teddy, but there was no sign of him. If Jackser had caught him gone missin an leavin Teddy on his own, he would have annihilated him. Ah, fuck! I can't do anythin or go anywhere, I'll have te sit here an mind Teddy. He's too little te turn me back on him, even fer a minute. He could wander out onta the road an get kilt by a car.

‘But, Ma, is it really goin te happen? Am I really goin te go te the Sunshine Home fer a holiday?'

‘Yes, yes! Amn't I after tellin ye? Now will ye run down te the shop an get the milk before he starts roarin. He's waitin fer the sup a tea. Now go on,' an she pushed me outa the scullery. I rushed outa the room, throwin an eye at Jackser sleepin in the bed, an closed the door quietly, in case he woke up an started roarin. I flew te the shop, dancin in the air. The St Vincents are lettin me go on a holiday. Me heart was poundin wit excitement. I couldn't believe it!

When I came outa the shop wit the bottle a milk, I saw Emmy crossin the road, headin fer the buildins. She's my age an lives across from me, up on the balconies. ‘Emmy! Wait fer me, I've got somethin te tell ye!'

‘Wha? Wha's happenin?'

I rushed over an said, ‘I'm goin te the Sunshine Home!'

‘Ah, Gawd, tha's great! Ye go on a train, cos it's in a far-off place down in Balbriggan. An it's run by the Legion o Mary. Ye call them Sisters. They're only women, not nuns, but ye have te call them tha, so ye do, but they're all right really. They don't give out te ye like the nuns. An ye get loads a sambidges, an tea from a big pot. An when I was there last year, we had great gas. The sisters were fallin aroun the place, handin us out sambidges from a huge tray. An we kept screamin at them an puttin our hands up sayin we got nothin! An hidin the bread underneath us on the benches an sittin on them.' An then Emmy stopped te draw a breath an looked at me fer a minute an then said, ‘But first ye have te go up te the head office on Mountjoy Square, te Ozanam House, it's called, fer an examination te make sure ye don't have any diseases. An they look at yer head te make sure ye haven't any nits.'

Me mouth dropped open, an me heart sank. ‘Does tha mean if ye have nits, ye can't go?'

‘Ah, no! It just means if ye only have a few, ye'll be grand. I mean they look at yer hair, an they don't mind ye havin the normal amount. It's only if yer head was walkin alive wit them.'

I let out me breath. ‘Oh, thanks be te God. Ye don't think I'm walkin alive, do ye?'

Emmy looked at me head an said, ‘Ah, no! Ye're grand. They'll pass ye!'

‘Right, Emmy! I better run, me ma is waitin on the milk. I'll see ye again.'

‘Yeah! See ya.'

An I took off, runnin wit the milk, wonderin an worried, happy tha I might go on a holiday. But then again, it was too good te be true. Anythin could happen. Jackser might not let me go. I didn't want te really believe it.

I was sittin on the chair by the fireside thinkin about me holiday, wonderin what it would be like, when I heard Jackser shoutin. I looked over at me ma. She was sittin wit her head down lookin at the empty fireplace an runnin her fingers through her hair, lookin fer lice. ‘I asked ye, Mrs, te get them kids inta bed. Are ye fuckin deaf or wha?'

‘Ah, don't be annoyin me. Ye'd put years on people wit yer carry on!'

‘I'll get them inta bed, Ma!' I said, jumpin up.

Me ma ignored me an went back te starin at the empty fire. Me heart started te pound, cos it was gettin dark in the room now, an we needed te switch on the light, but I was afraid te ask Jackser, cos he was in a bad mood.

He kept walkin up an down, clenchin his fists an lookin out the winda. I looked aroun me, not wantin te get too close te Jackser in case he lashed out wit a kick or a dig. The babby was asleep on the floor, an I picked him up an carried him over te the bed. Charlie was sittin on the floor, starin inta space. ‘Get inta bed, Charlie. Hurry up!' He took off his trousers an climbed inta the end of the bed. ‘Come on, Teddy,' I said quietly, puttin out me arms te him an pickin him up. He was sittin beside me ma's chair, keenin wit exhaustion, an I struggled over te the bed wit him, managin te hump him onta the bed. ‘Ye're gettin heavy, Teddy. I can't carry ye now. Ye're a big boy now, aren't ye?' He turned his head away from me an roared, too tired fer any more. ‘Shush! All right, I'm puttin ye inta bed now.' An I pulled off his trousers an put him in beside Charlie.