Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (83 page)

We ran down the platform, an the man was standin wit his flag an his whistle in his hand, an he saw us comin. All the doors were bein banged shut, an we leapt up onta the train, an the door was slammed shut behind us. We hurried down the passage, lookin fer an empty seat, an the whistle blew, an the train got ready te move. ‘In here!' me ma said, openin a door. An we sat down in an empty carriage. ‘Jaysus! Tha was lucky!' me ma said, tryin te get her breath back. Then the train moved, an we took off outa the station slowly.

I looked out at the rain pourin down, an it was very dark. Thunder was roarin an flashes of lightnin. ‘God, Ma, the weather is very bad here.'

‘Yeah! Just as well we're not out in it,' me ma said, openin the biscuits an givin me one. ‘Here, have a sup a milk.' We ate another biscuit, an me ma said, ‘We'll save these fer later.'

‘Yeah,' I said, still feelin hungry. Then I lay down, havin the whole seat te meself, an dozed off again.

‘Wake up! We're at the boat,' me ma said, shakin me. I stood up, ready te move. ‘No! Sit down, wait till the train stops,' me ma said, lookin out the winda. It was pitch black outside, an I hated havin te move. ‘Right! Let's go. We have te hurry if we want te get a seat.'

But we needn't have worried. There was plenty a room on the boat, cos there was very few people travellin. I followed me ma over te the long seats in the corner of the room, an we shut the door behind us. It was empty. I put me back te the wall an stretched out. Then the door opened an two more people came in an sat down at the other end an put their bags on the seat an stretched themselves out, the aul fella restin his head on his suitcase. An his wife got up an shut the door. ‘Here, have a biscuit,' me ma said. ‘We might as well finish them. An ye can drink the rest a the milk.' I put the empty bottle on the floor an lay down, puttin me hands under me head.

‘I wonder if we've done the right thing,' me ma asked, lookin at me.

‘Goin back te Dublin? If it was up te me, Ma, I wouldn't be goin back.'

‘Jaysus!' me ma said, lookin worried. ‘I wonder how the poor childre are.'

I started te feel sick at the mention of Dublin. Jackser came rushin back te me, an I could feel his grip tightenin aroun me. It was as if we'd never left him. ‘No, Ma! We're still in Liverpool. Let's get off.' I tried te pull her up offa the seat.

‘We can't! It's too late,' she said, chewin her lip. ‘We'll only be locked up if we stay here wit no money an nowhere te stay.'

Me heart was poundin, an I was lookin aroun. The other people were starin at us. ‘Come on, sit down. We'll be all right. We'll have a better chance of gettin somewhere te live once we have the childre back.'

I looked at her. ‘How, Ma? How?'

‘We'll go te the Corporation, an we'll stay at the Regina Ceoli if we have te, but there's no good te be had from stayin over here.'

I looked inta her face, not knowin wha te think. Then I lay down on the seat just wantin te sleep an wake up. Wantin everythin te be OK.

We made our way off the boat an headed up the quays. ‘So tha's it,' me ma said. ‘We're back here again!'

I didn't answer. The seagulls were screamin in the air an flyin down low aroun the ship. People were laughin an shoutin at each other, their relatives an friends delighted te see them again an pickin up their suitcases an walkin on. Some were on their own an hurried away, anxious te be where they were goin. I smelt the Irish air, an a bit a me knew I belonged here. I walked on wit me ma, feelin the damp mist get inside me. Aul fellas standin against the wall watchin the world pass by spat an choked on their Woodbines. I didn't know their faces, yet I felt I'd known them all me life. Lazy bastards, they make me sick. We crossed over the bridge, an an aul woman coverin her head wit a black shawl caught me eye an nodded te us. ‘Cold aul weather, isn't it, Mrs?' she said, passin us by an hurryin on about her business.

‘Ah! Indeed it is!' me ma answered.

How is it ye don't see such poor people in London? Even the tramps is better dressed, even if they are wearin forty coats tied up wit string. But people here seem te have such worn-down faces. Even the young ones look old. I wonder why? I lifted me head, comin away from me thoughts, an noticed we were walkin down Parnell Street. ‘Where are we goin, Ma?'

‘I'm thinkin,' she said, lost in her own thoughts.

An aul one wit a red-raw face, her scarf slippin offa her head showin grey hair, was walkin up an down in front of her stall, stampin her ankle boots inta the ground te keep out the damp. ‘Do ye want a few potatoes, Mrs? Look! They're lovely.'

‘No!' me ma said, shakin her head an walkin on. Then me ma screamed. ‘Run, Martha!' an took off runnin. ‘He's seen us!' she screamed as she flew off headin towards O'Connell Street.

I stopped dead fer a split second, me head swingin on me shoulders tryin te see wha's wrong. Then I saw him. Jackser! His legs pumpin towards me, holdin his overcoat gripped in one hand across his legs when he means business an he's runnin fer his life. I turned, already too late. His hand was reachin out te grab me. I stuck me body out an leaned me head back, me legs goin like propellers, an he missed me by inches. I headed down onta the hill, an I could feel his hot breath on me neck.

‘Stop, ye bastard!' he roared in me ear, reachin his arm out fer me. I ducked, divin across the road an roun the corner. I hesimitated fer a split second, duckin sideways te avoid a woman comin towards me, an Jackser's hand plunged out, grabbin me by the collar of me coat, yankin me offa me feet an chokin me. ‘Get back here, ye bastard!' he panted, swingin me aroun te look at me. ‘Where's yer mammy?' he roared, his eyes bulgin an big spits hangin outa his mouth. I stared at him, not able te get me senses back. He shook me, roarin inta me face, ‘Where is she?'

Jaysus! Wha's happenin? Me teeth is rattlin in me head, an I can't stop shiverin. ‘Come on, ye whore's melt. I'm takin ye te the police!' An he dragged me off in the direction where he first spotted me.

Police! Wha for? Fuck him, he's bluffin, they can't do anythin. He hasn't got me ma, there's nothin he can do. ‘Let me go!' I roared.

‘Shut the fuck up!' he said, givin me a box on the side of me head.

‘No!' I screamed in a rage. ‘You're nothin te me.'

He stopped an looked at me. ‘Wha did you say?' His eyes narrowed, but I didn't care.

‘I don't belong te you! Ye're not me father! I'll tell the police all about ye if ye don't let me go.' I was stiffenin meself an starin at him, tryin te get me breath.

He blinked, then ground his teeth in a snarl, an I went tighter, waitin fer his fist te fly at me. Then he caught his breath, an his face sagged. ‘Look, ye're a good kid, just tell me where Sally is. I'm lost without her,' an he started te cry.

I stared at him, keepin me face straight. Yer soft soap won't work wit me, I thought, waitin fer him te relax his grip, an I was off. I looked aroun te see if anyone would help me. Then I saw me ma puttin her head aroun the corner. Ah, fuck! Why is she there? Jackser looked in the same direction, lettin go of me, an I took off as he chased her, screamin, ‘I've got ye now, ye whore!'

I tore up Parnell Street, lookin back te see Jackser grab a hold a me ma an pin her against the wall. I slowed down an stopped. He has her! Jaysus! What am I goin te do? I rushed back, stoppin a few feet away. Now he was roarin inta her face an pointin te the sky. ‘They're gone, ye whore, gone!'

‘Where are they?' me ma was askin, white as a sheet an shakin.

‘I fucked them inta a home. Wha did ye think I'd do? They're split up in all directions. Did ye really think I was goin te take care of them? Did ya?' he screamed.

‘But where are the childre now?' me ma asked, shakin like mad.

‘I told ye, ye're not listenin te me. They've all been put inta different homes,' he roared, stabbin the air wit his pointed finger an lookin at her wit his eyes starin an his jaw droppin open, soundin very satisfied wit himself. Me ma started te cry. ‘It's too late fer tha now, Mrs,' he said, standin back from her. ‘An I'm on me way over te the Corporation now te hand them back the keys of the house.'

‘I want te see the childre,' me ma said, lookin at him. ‘Where are they?'

Jackser stepped inta me ma's face again. He had an evil sneer on his face, an he said quietly, ‘Ye won't be seein them again. They're gone fer good. I signed them away, as you're not fit te take care a them. Remember, whore! You were the one tha abandoned them! An ye've no home te take them to. So you can fuck off now. Cos I've already got another woman lined up fer meself,' an he laughed, throwin his head back.

Me ma stared at him, tryin te work out wha was happenin. ‘Yeah!' he said, shakin his head slowly at her an laughin again. ‘They're gone, every last one of them, an you'll never find them. Ye can start searchin, Mrs, but they won't tell ye fuck all.'

Me ma looked at me in desperation. ‘Jaysus Christ! The childre are gone, ye poxy bastard,' she roared at him. He sneered at her, enjoyin himself. ‘An ye're goin te give up the keys of the house? Ye can't do tha! Tha's my home, too.'

‘No, Mrs! Ye're wrong there,' he said happily. ‘Tha house is in my name. An I can do what I fuckin well like.'

Me ma was blinkin like mad, tryin te think. ‘Ma, tell him, tell him, Ma, you were comin back te him. Tell him ye missed him an the childre!' I looked at him. ‘Jackser, she missed ya! She never stopped talkin about ya!'

The bastard's face lit up, an he looked at me ma. She looked at me, ‘Yeah,' she said, blinkin at him an chewin on her lip.

‘Well, tha's different. Tha's a different story altogether! If I thought ye were back fer good, an I knew ye'd never try anythin like tha again, maybe I'd see me way te lettin ye back. But there would be changes, mind! Ye're not gettin off tha easily!'

‘Yeah!' me ma said, noddin agreement. ‘So let's go, then. I want te get the childre back. We'll go now.'

Jackser snuffled happily an looked at me, noddin away, agreein wit everythin tha was bein said. ‘Right! The first place is Cheeverstown. Tha's where Dinah an the babby is. An you! Go on home. Charlie will let ye in. I kept him back te look after the house.'

‘Ye didn't put Charlie away?' me ma said, lookin confused.

‘No, he's your bastard, an I needed him te get me messages. Go on! Are ye still here?'

‘I've no money fer the bus fare.'

He put his hand in his pocket an took out two pennies an threw them at me. ‘Here, get runnin fer tha bus.'

I sat on the bus lookin out the winda seein nothin. Caught! Just like tha. An everythin's gone. We couldn't let him give up the house, cos he's right, the bastard. We'd never get the childre back. At least this way we have a chance. We can try te find a place of our own once we have the childre. An poor Charlie! He kept him wit him. Tha child is only six. He wouldn't be able te do much, an Jackser was sure te beat the hell outa him. I looked up, an the bus was comin te my stop. I jumped up, an the conductor banged the bell wit his fist. I didn't wait fer the bus te stop. I held onta the bar an jumped off backwards when it started te slow down. An then I ran forwards te keep me balance. The conductor thumped the bell again, an the bus picked up speed without stoppin. I like doin tha, cos it tests me te see how fast I am on me feet. I'm always testin meself. Jumpin off high walls, climbin things. If I'm afraid of somethin, then I have te have a go, to test meself an beat it.

I started runnin, wantin te see Charlie. In the gate, better close it or tha aul fella will go mad. I banged on the letter box, the knocker's gone. An Charlie opened the door. He stood starin at me, an I couldn't take me eyes offa him. I came in slowly. Jaysus! Wha happened te him? He looks like an aul man. His eyes were sunk in the back of his head, an he had big purple marks under his eyes. An his hair was matted, an he was in his bare feet an wearin a pair of short trousers tha looked like they'd belonged te a twelve year old. An the rest of his face was grey. A dirty grey. ‘Where's me ma?' he stood starin at me.

‘We're back, Charlie!' I said slowly, smilin, tryin te take him in.

‘Yeah!' he said quietly, turnin his back on me. ‘An ye's went off leavin me behind.' An he walked off slowly inta the sittin room. I followed him in. Jaysus, the place is a mess. Porter bottles everywhere. An jam jars wit tea, an plates, an spoons, an filth on the floor walked inta the filthy dirty black floorboards. The smell was terrible. I opened the curtains an the windas te let in the air, an the fuckin chairs was broken an smashed against the walls an thrown in the corner. Christ! Me heart was sinkin down inta me belly.

‘There's nothin te sit on,' I said, lookin aroun the empty room wit only the table still standin an dirt everywhere. I looked at Charlie, an he said nothin. ‘Wha happened, Charlie?' I asked him quietly. He looked away, sayin nothin. ‘Did he go mad?' No answer. ‘Did he kill ye, Charlie?'

He shook his head up an down. ‘Youse left me wit him, ye's wouldn't take me,' was all he said. He looked like a very old man standin there in the trousers too big fer him, an his legs, ye could only see a bit of them, was like two matchsticks hangin under curtains. An his feet were black. His eyes was dead, though. An his face was all grey an purple.

‘Yeah! It was a terrible thing we did te ye. Leavin ye behind. I should've made me ma bring ye wit us. Later, when it hit me, I knew he'd kill you, cos ye don't belong te him, an he'd take it out on you! I'm sorry, Charlie!'

Charlie stared at me listenin, then he turned his head away, takin in a breath, an said, ‘Yeah! He hates us, Martha. He wishes me ma didn't have us.'

I shook me head, ‘Yeah, Charlie! Ye're right. He thinks we're only the bastards, but who cares wha tha mad bandy aul bastard thinks. Come on, let's pick up this rubbish before tha animal gets back.'