Madness or Purpose (6 page)

Our parents arranged for us to play together, though Zoe seemed to detest the idea. She did not get along with most children because they made fun of her. If she only knew at age 9 that I loved her (well as much as a 9 year old boy could I guess) maybe everything would be different now. I told my parents after we left the sledding hill that day and that is when they introduced me to Dean. He was about 29 at the time and was able to help me understand as much as I could at that point. Dean advised me not to tell Zoe at least not at that time and he has been my mentor ever sense.

In the small safe is a worn leather bound book with a leather tie. I slip it out and re-latch the door and spin the dial. Quietly I replace the panel and move her heap of clothing back in place. Zoe is still asleep in her bed as I exit the closet and the first rays of sun begin to break over the horizon and through the window. Though her hair is inky black, when the light hits it just right is almost sparkles like I’m on some type of trip. I forget myself around her sometimes. I just get lost in her features, maybe it’s because she doesn’t try to attract attention and until now it was sort of a covert operation to admire her. In a few strides I reach the open window and pull the curtains across. I don’t want her to wake until she is ready. Everything is terrifying for her and she is exhausted. I’m terrified myself. I remember all the secrets my eyes took in the first time I opened this book. However, I was aware of whom and to some degree what I was when I read it the first time. Zoe is still so confused and even though I am here, I know she feels more alone than she probably ever has before. When I learned everything, well what was everything at the time there was to know about our kind, I had Dean to help me out.

There is more information in the book than when I first read it too. It’s something like a journal. As I learn more I add to it. My parents aren’t my parents for instance. Well, from an emotional and social point of view they are, but biologically we are absolutely nothing alike. I was an orphan and they took me in. My parents are intelligent and were able to tell I was nothing like them and thus they found Dean. My parents are some unique humans. They chose me out as an infant because they felt compelled to protect me. I mean they said it was like there was no choice in the matter they walked in and it was like the only child they could see was me. I guess there is something in their DNA or something that predisposes them to open up to the supernatural world. My parents must have found a way to put out some sort of supernatural wanted add if you will to open minds. As angry as I could be at my birth parents, they did a good job ensuring that I would be well taken care of. I can relate to Zoe in ways she isn’t even aware of yet. I really want to tell her and I hope the time is soon.

I sit down on the edge of her bed just waiting for her to wake. Her foot is sticking out from the end of the blanket and because I am curious, I gently lay the back of my hand against her skin. At first there is only an intensifying feeling of heat. Slowly my mind relaxes and I can see the calm of her mind. No thoughts only colors and sounds. Zoe seems to be truly relaxed and at peace for the time being. As I sit with my eyes closed and my hand in contact with her skin, I begin to sense a darkness creeping around the edges of her mind. I try to clear my own mind and only concentrate on observing like a fly on the wall. When the presence doesn’t sense me it quickly envelops her mind. I hear her heart beat speed up and her breath become labored.

A deep low voice begins repeating words of caution
. “He is not safe. Why should he be trusted? He has been keeping his true self from you. A liar that is what he is. How do you even know if he really lets down the walls? You don’t even know how he puts them up? If he loves you why would he have any kind of barrier between you?

Gavin knows things he is not telling you. Does he know about your father, your mother, the fire? If he were the one meant to fill the emptiness inside, why would he not tell you until you had the power to force him? Gavin is more like a kidnapper than a friend. He makes all the rules and controls where you live.

His parents are probably in on the whole thing. It is just too convenient that they were there to take you in after someone put a bullet in your father’s head. He knows everyone you know and a whole lot of other people you don’t. You know you were the one who shattered that mirror. All you had to do was think it and it happened. You are powerful and you don’t need him to protect you. He wants what you have. He doesn’t really want you.”

I remain silent, trying not to think anything though the rage inside me is threatening to burst forth. Zoe struggled with the information being forced into her mind.
“You don’t know Gavin. I have seen inside his mind, his heart, his soul! You don’t even exist! I know that forces exist that want to keep me from him. I feel them all around me. You were the one who put me in the closet! I know you were the one who sliced open my wrists. If Gavin really wanted to control me he would have let them admit me to the kind of psych ward I wouldn’t come out of. However, he did not! There may be things he has not yet told me, but before now I would not have believed him. Do you think he is ignorant of your existence? When he finds you he will make you wish you never were. As for my father, he has no blood on his hands and neither do his parents. I would know. I have always had a good sense of such things. I am more than you know I am and more than you can conceive. Gavin does not want my power. He loves me; any fool with half a soul can feel its other half even if they were brain dead. You will see. Until he gives me a reason not to trust him I will. I may not know everything, but I can tell an evil soul with I hear one!”
She spits out at the darkness.

Zoe knows I am here, but wants me to witness for myself the darkness that plagues her. She is also telling me that despite everything that could raise doubts she believes me and trusts me. I hope it lasts when I expose her to others. Just as the presence appeared it disappears. Zoe does not wake once it leaves. I guess that means she is still within her subconscious. I remove my hand and move to the chair in the corner. It is strange to be inside the mind of another. Very little knowledge exists about such a connection legends and rumors exist among our kind about such possibilities only when a very powerful soul is born into two of our kind. It really is frustrating not knowing who her mother is. Yet, no one knows who my parents are either so, that probably makes this whole thing even messier. Someone out there knows more than both of us and if we don’t get some answers fast life is going to spiral into true chaos. If only this journal wasn’t just full of what I know. We need to figure out where the guardian library is, I know it exists, but where?

I know of one solution that would give us so many answers, yet without some of the questions we currently don’t have answered the outcome could create more chaos. From what is known about individuals like Zoe and I, to fully understand our purpose and future fully binding to one another is necessary. To fully become one we need to sleep together. From an emotional stand point well, from a human stand point all of that seems “mushy” and maybe even improper. We don’t marry in our kind.

Binding takes its place in our world if you are a split soul, but otherwise it is more of an option. If you are born to guard humans then to know your purpose is essential to more than your own life and sometimes our purpose kills us young. So I guess our beliefs about marriage and honoring customs like weddings is a bit different.

Humans are all equipped with an entire soul, thus they can come and go and join and rejoin with whomever and in simple terms do so without consequence, so social guidelines and beliefs about monogamy exist. If guardians like me and Zoe did such things we would sever our binding and be unable to fulfill whatever our greater purpose was. We would enter into madness and all who were to be changed or saved or protected by us would be lost. Those who make such mistakes tend to end their own misery quickly. We long to fulfill our purposes, not because we choose to or not. Our genetic makeup drives us to do so. For those who are born with an entire soul, the drive still exists and still motivates us to fulfill our roles, but the bonds to other guardians are not so vital. A guardian can choose simply based on desire whether or not it is with another guardian. It seems as though that is how it was for Zoe’s mother and father. Their connection is still strong and very few enter into such relationships with another just simply because they can. Even whole souls have purposes and have to conduct their lives according to that purpose.

My parents are another story, a story without any pages. I often wonder if in our binding I might somehow recover who they are and Zoe might recover who her mother is. If these biological parents still exist we may be able to better understand our purpose.

I am afraid to tell her that with all the answers in this book I still have very little to offer in the way of whom and what we are. So much of that answer is beyond our understanding at this point. I want to end her pain but my deepest fear is that I will only inflict more. I have thoughts about going back in time and not chasing her up that snow covered hillside. If I had never even known she existed would it even hurt that much? Something inside me tells me I would be consumed by madness and become like the dark voice in Zoe’s mind. She is not crazy; that voice belongs to someone like us and yet someone so far removed from us all that the only thing is similar is our DNA. Guardians who become dark like the voice in Zoe’s head are either driven mad or choose it because of a desire to obtain power rather than protect. This one doesn’t seem tormented. It seems crazy with the desire for her power and sense destroying her didn’t work the first time. If it could separate us and gain her trust she could become an unstoppable force hell bent on making every being around her suffer and wither into nothingness.

As I try to focus on the positive things to be gained by her awakening knowledge, Zoe stretches and yawns. “Good morning sleepy” I say grinning at her from ear to ear. “Did you even sleep? “ She asks. “Of course I did.” I lie. “Now go shower stinky and I’ll make you some coffee.” She glares at me and then a grin seeps through. She wiggles out of the blankets she has cocooned herself in and falls to the floor when her foot tangles in the mess of cloth. She falls straight onto her ass and yelps. “Fuck,” she grunts. “That is going to bruise.” I move to her and pull her up to her feet. “You sure do have quite a mouth on you ZZ!” “What are you going to do about it? Wash my mouth out with soap? It’s not like you’re any kind of angel.” Zoe smirks at me.

Flipping her over my shoulder I head for the bathroom. Zoe starts to kick and squeal and try to get away from me. “Oh no you don’t little missy, I’m going to set you right.” I enter quickly so she can’t grab the door frame and kick the door closed behind us. She begins pounding her fits into my bare back. “This has got to be some type of abuse.” I tell her. “Your fists will solve nothing.” I grin because I know she already knows what I am about to do. Both our bodies are a flame with our mental connection. Quickly I turned the shower on with my foot and spin Zoe around in a circle while it warms up. I step into the shower and put her head into the water. She screams and kicks and sputters. “You arrogant ass! Stop trying to drown me! I thought you loved me!” She yells at me. We both freeze. I am holding my breath. I think she is doing the same, but I can’t process anything outside my own mind. What did she just say?

Slowly I pull her down in front of me. Our bodies are soaked and what little clothing she slept in clings to her. I can feel the water spraying my back and my body blocks the spray of water from continuing to soak Zoe. Steam surrounds us and I can feel my own heart practically beating out of my chest. Her head is buried in my chest and every inch of her touching me feels like she is electrocuting me which I am sure should be incredibly painful, but to be honest it’s incredibly arousing. I take a deep breath and let it out. I can’t hear her in my head for all the other sensations I am experiencing. “Zoe, how could I not love you? You are the other half of my soul. You are the reason I am alive. I am head over heels crazy for you Zoe.” Her aura flickers and dances around her. Lifting her chin with my finger I can feel her whole body tremble under my touch. Her eyes are still looking down and her lashes create small shadows on her cheeks. Her hair clings to the side of her face and she couldn’t look more amazing to me. Gently I touch my lips to hers.

At first contact I feel the shock shoot through my body as it has before. I pull away for a brief second and kiss her again in my own urgency. Zoe responds this time and presses harder against my body. I run my tongue along her bottom lip and gently graze it with my teeth. She freezes.
“Just follow my lead Zoe, just feel, don’t think.”
I think
.
I reposition my hand behind her neck and slowly start to kiss her again. She relaxes in my arms and this time when I run my tongue over her bottom lip and graze my teeth along it she moans softly and parts her lips. As she lets me deepen the kiss I begin to feel like every nerve ending in my body is on fire and the only thing that can put it out is her. Her thoughts are fast, erratic, erotic, and all about me. I realize her hands have traveled down my back to my hips. I don’t even remember feeling her embrace me. I shove her up against the wall and press myself against her. If I wasn’t aroused enough before I am now because she has her hands in the back of my drenched jeans clawing at my skin and she is arching her body against mine.

As we both begin to gasp for air, I move my lips to her chin and kiss along her jaw line. Tracing down to her neck and collar bone I begin to realize I can’t see anything. My sense of touch and smell over whelm me. I start to panic in the back of my mind.
“It’s ok; it’s the same for me. I promise I won’t hurt you.”
Zoe tells me. How she knew I was afraid because of earlier events I am not sure but, with her reassurance I peel her tank top over her head and press my body back against hers. I have never seen her naked and even now I can’t see her. I can feel every curve of her body and every muscle move but I cannot see her. She lets me keep kissing her shoulders and neck. She flashes images of me nipping and teasing her along her neck.
“Are you sure?”
In my mind she grins in response.