Mail Order Devastation (Montana Mail Order Brides, Book 4) (21 page)

“
That’s horrible.”  He rubbed her arm.  “Are you alright?”

“
It was awful.  It felt so real, holding her in my arms.  Then when she disappeared—it was like the day she was taken, all over again.  But this time, I knew it was forever.”

“
I never should have left you.”  He took her hands in his, squeezing them.

“
No, I’m glad you did.  That dream was awful, but it made me realize how the Demings must have been feeling through all of this.  Vera Deming must have been terrified that she’d lose her…her daughter.  I’m sure it looked to them like I was up to no good.  I feel terrible that her last days on earth weren’t spend joyfully holding Nell, but were spent in fear and anguish, because of me.”

“
It wasn’t your fault.  You never meant to frighten them.”

“
No, but they didn’t know that.  And I’m sure Mr. Deming is still afraid I’ll take Nell.  And if his mother passes away, Nell will be all he has left.  So I have to go to him, and tell him that he doesn’t need to be afraid.  That I realize how much pain he must be in, and I don’t want to cause him any more.  I’ll write him a letter to that effect, in case he won’t see me.”

“
Do you think he’ll even read it?”

“
I don’t know.  But I have to at least try.  I’m not even going to ask him to send me photographs, or tell me how she’s doing.  I owe him a true and final ending on this situation.  I only hope that he will tell Nell about me someday.  At least, that I didn’t give her up by choice, and that I loved her more than anything in the world.  I want her to know she is loved.  I want her to know…” she held back a sob, “…that she was wanted, and not abandoned.”

“
She’ll know.  If he loves her at all, he’ll let her know that.”

“
It’s not only for him that I’m doing this, you know.  I’m doing it for Nell, too.  She has lost the woman she thinks of as her mother.  It’s the second mother my poor little girl has lost!  How could I tear her away from Mr. Deming, too?  If I tried to take her, she wouldn’t understand.  She’s only a year old.  She won’t know what’s happening, or why.  She’d only know that all the people she has cared about have left her.  How could I do that to her?  It’s the very opposite of what I want for my daughter.  She must
never
feel abandoned, or alone.  If that means I have to give her up, so be it.”

“
Then you write the letter, and we’ll bring it over there this afternoon.”

“
Thank you.”  She hugged him close, dreading the task ahead.

Chapter 29

They walked up to the Deming
’s door, hand in hand.  Mollie couldn’t raise the courage to knock on the door, but Noah did it for her.  He squeezed her hand, and she took a shaky breath.

The door opened a sliver, revealing one beady eye. 
“You don’t know when to give up, do you, Mrs. Jamison?” the butler sneered. 

“
I’m not here to disturb Mr. Deming.  Only to convey my condolences, and deliver this.”  She held out the envelope.

The door opened wider, showing most of Jefferson
’s face.  “Is that a legal document?  Are you actually going to pursue this in court?”

“
No,” snapped Noah.  “She’s relinquishing custody of Nell.”

Jefferson raised his eyebrows. 
“Well, you do surprise me, Mrs. Jamison.”

Mollie was tired of the man
’s superior tone.  “Why?  Because I love my daughter?  Because I’m willing to make sacrifices for her happiness?  Mothers do that every day, Mr. Jefferson.”   She stuffed the envelope through the door, forcing the startled butler to take it.  Then she grasped Noah’s hand again, squeezing it hard.  “We can leave now.”

As they turned and walked away in silence, the man called out. 
“Not so fast!”

Mollie looked back, incredulous. 
Surely the man isn't planning to call the authorities again!

“
Come in,” he said, standing back and holding the door open.

Beyond Jefferson, they saw Alexander Deming standing in the shadows of the foyer.  Mollie and Noah exchanged glances, then turned back and went inside.

They weren’t invited into the parlor.  Mollie wasn’t surprised. 

Deming stepped forward from the shadows. 
“So you brought me a letter?”

She nodded, wishing she had just left.  As much as she wanted
—needed—to like the man who would be Nell’s father forever, she just couldn’t muster any feeling for him at all.  Nothing other than sympathy for his grief, which carved deep lines in his face, and cast shadows under his eyes.

“
And it says you’re giving up Cordelia?”

The name rankled, but Mollie nodded again.  She didn
’t trust herself to speak.

“
Why?”  His voice was flat.  Emotionless.

Mollie opened her mouth, ready with a sharp retort.  Then she closed it again, and sighed. 
“I don’t want to disrupt Nell’s life, or yours—not after all that you’ve both been through.  I love my daughter.  I want her to be happy.  She’s suffered enough already, and so have you.  The least I can do is leave you both in peace.”

He rubbed a hand across his face, and looked away.  When he looked back, he looked as weary as a man twice his age. 
“Come with me.”

He turned away, and they followed, their heels echoing on the terrazzo floors until they reached the soft pile of the
Oriental rug at the edge of the parlor.  They stopped inside the threshold, unsure how far into the room they should go, while Jefferson stood guard just behind them. 

Deming kept going, past the elegant chaise longue and the two settees that faced each other, until he stopped at the carved mahogany mantel over the large fireplace.  No fire burned within it, and a chill hung in the air.  The room was cloaked in shadows, with all the heavy damask curtains drawn against the light. 

They waited, listening to the grandfather clock ticking endlessly in the foyer behind them.  There were no other sounds of life in the home.  Either the entire house was deep in mourning, or there was no one else at home. 

The seconds turned into minutes as Deming braced his hands against the mantel, leaning heavily upon it. 
“My wife died,” he said at last, looking back toward them.  “As I’m sure you’ve heard.”

“
We have,” Noah answered.  “We’re sorry.  It was…tragic.”

Deming nodded, with a twisted smirk. 
“Tragic…yes.  Well, at least the bastard who did it got what he deserved.  He’s already met his Maker by now, and I hope he gets what’s coming to him.  I know that doesn’t sound very Christian, but I haven’t worked my way to forgiveness yet.”

Mollie didn
’t know what to say to that, so she kept quiet.

“
I went to church today.  I’m not sure why.  Vera and I stopped going to church years ago, when…when our third child passed, long before it had the chance to enter the world.  I was angry at God, and Vera…I think she felt betrayed.  Three stillbirths in fifteen years—that’s a lot for any woman to take.  That’s why I finally gave in to her pleading, and considered adoption.  I didn’t want someone else’s child. I wanted my own.  Well, to be honest, by that point I didn't even want a child at all.  The years had hardened me.  But she wanted a child, regardless of origin, and I wanted to save the last vestige of the happy young woman I had once married.”

“
I had no idea,” Mollie murmured. “That must have been difficult for her.”

Mr. Deming released the mantle and turned fully to face them. 
“As soon as Vera saw Cordelia, she lit up.  She wouldn’t consider any other child—Cordelia had claimed her heart.  She was ecstatic.  She wanted to enclose herself in our home and spend all her time with the child.  But I got word that my mother was gravely ill, and it was necessary for us to move right away, at least for a time.  Vera begged me to let her stay behind—she worried for Cordelia’s health on the trip, and that a ‘Wild West’ town would be too dangerous for a baby.”  He laughed bitterly.  “And I suppose now she was right.  It was only sheer luck that Cordelia and the nanny were home that day.  Actually, not luck.  It was you.”

He pinned her with a dark look. 
“You terrified her.  She was afraid to even leave the house for fear that you’d sneak in and take Cordelia away.  I urged her to get out, to meet with the friend who invited her out for tea. She only went because I promised I wouldn’t leave Cordelia’s side while she was gone.  She needed to get away, you see.  To relax, after…” his voice broke, and he turned away.

“
I’m sorry, Mr. Deming.” Mollie said, and was grateful to feel Noah squeeze her hand in support.  “I truly am.  I never meant to frighten her.  I only wanted to see Nell, that was all.  I never meant for Mrs. Deming to—”

“
I know, I know.” He waved her off.  “I’m not blaming you.  Not anymore.  Part of me wants to.  The man who murdered her is gone, and there’s no one to vent my anger on.  I could blame you, or blame myself for insisting she go.  But the fact is, if you hadn’t shown up in Helena, she’d have been socializing and out on the streets of Helena far more.  She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it’s just…it’s so unfair.  She was finally happy.  She finally had her child.  And now this.”

He walked away toward the window, as if he was looking out it, but he left the curtains drawn. 
“As I said before, I went to Mass today, for the first time in years.  I suppose I was looking for answers.  I found some, though not the answers I sought.  I wanted to know why God took my life, along with the lives of my three children.  I knelt there, and I prayed, and you know what I thought about?  All I could think about was
you
.  The look on your face when you came to the hospital and thought your daughter might be dead.  And I thought about how Cordelia would be without a mother now—and what a pitiful father I have made.  I’ve just never…
connected
with her.  I suppose my heart was so hardened from the loss of my own children that I just couldn’t open it to another child.”

He turned to face them. 
“It’s not that I don’t care for her at all—I do.  I very much want her to grow up to be a fine woman.  But I always felt she was Vera’s daughter, not mine.  I could have let her be mine…but I chose not to.  And I knew what Vera would have wanted me to do.  She’d have wanted me to keep her daughter as far away from you as possible.”

Mollie
’s heart sank.  That was not where she had thought the conversation was going. 

“
She was afraid of you,” he went on.  “Afraid you’d steal Cordelia away.  Afraid you’d run off with her, and never be found.  Or worse, that you’d go to the courts and get your parental rights back irrevocably, since it appears that the adoption wasn’t as solid as we first believed it to be.  I’ve had my attorneys check, and they said you have legal grounds, if you had the money to pursue it.”

A small ray of hope surged within her, but she squelched it.  Her rights didn
’t matter.  Her needs didn’t matter.  Only Nell’s happiness mattered.  She couldn’t let herself forget that.

“
And Vera suspected your marriage was a sham, and that you’d run back to your poor family after snatching Cordelia, and she’d be raised in squalor.  So I’m quite sure that to do right by Vera’s wishes, I should keep you out of the child’s life.”

Mollie swayed on her feet
—she had dared to hope he might tell her she could say goodbye to Nell before he left. 
Why did he let us in?

Noah caught her by the shoulder and steadied her. 
“Did you bring us in here to torture my wife, then?  She’s done nothing but love her daughter.  I won’t stand by and let you hurt her anymore.”

“
Settle down, man, and hear me out.  Sit down,” he ordered.

Noah hesitated, but relented in the end.  They sat on one of the settees, and Mr. Deming sat on the other, his forearms resting on his knees and his hands clasped together. 

“I know my wife would have wanted me to flee back to Boston, to bury her remains there, and to raise her daughter.  But I sat in church and kept thinking about how Cordelia had lost the only mother she knew.  How could I take her away from the only other mother who loved her?  I thought about it all through Mass, and on the way home.  The child would have every financial advantage, she’d be the belle of society, have a fine education, and marry well.  She’d have everything a girl could desire.  Except a mother.  Or a father who truly loved her.  Because every time I look at Cordelia, I will be reminded of my wife’s absence.”

He looked away, his jaw clenched, and waited a moment before returning his gaze to them
—his eyes riveted on Noah and Mollie’s hands, entwined together.  Mollie didn’t care if it wasn’t socially acceptable in his eyes.  She needed to feel Noah beside her if she was to endure the proud man’s hurtful ramblings. 

“
And then I saw you two,” he said.  “Walking up my front walk, hand in hand.  And I realized that perhaps your marriage wasn’t a sham.  But your pursuit of Cordelia was an affront to me, so I wasn’t prepared to speak with you…until I overheard you telling Jefferson about your letter.  I hadn’t expected you to make such a selfless decision—especially in light of my wife’s death.  I assumed you’d insist on taking the child, so that she’d have a mother.  I knew then that Vera and I had been wrong.  I should have let you see the child, at least.  We were selfish, both of us, in our fear.  We didn’t think of how much it would hurt you, or that it might hurt Cordelia in the long run.  It may be true that Vera would want me to keep you from Cordelia, but only because she was mistaken about your intentions, and your character.  I apologize for that—for both of us, because I know if she was here, she’d want to make it right.  She still wouldn’t have given up her baby without a fight, mind you—but she’d have wanted to ease your pain, at least.”

“
Thank you for that,” said Mollie.  “I was angry before, but I did come to realize today the same thing that you did—I was thinking only of myself, and not of the fear that you and Mrs. Deming must have been feeling.  That’s why I brought the letter.  I wanted to apologize for that.  I only wish your wife was here to read it, too.”

Mr. Deming looked down, nodding in acknowledgement. 
“There’s more.”

More?
she thought. 
Is he going to let me see Nell after all? 
Her heart raced, but she tried not to get her hopes up again.  She didn’t think she could endure more disappointment.

“
I think…I’m not sure, but I
think
…that if Vera knew everything, and truly knew how inadequate I feel to be a father alone…I think she might want me to return the child to you.”

“
What?” Mollie cried, squeezing Noah’s hand so hard, she felt him wince.  She turned in shock to her husband, who seemed just as surprised. 

“
Please don’t tease her, Mr. Deming.” Noah flashed him a warning expression.  “Be sure of what you’re saying, and that it’s not just grief talking.  I don't think she has it in her to lose Nell all over again.”

“
It’s not the grief.  If it was, I’d have called the police again, and have you both dragged off.  I’ve been devastated and overwrought since Vera died, but as far as this subject goes, it’s the clearest I’ve thought yet.  If I were to keep Cor—I mean, Nell—it would be out of spite.  Out of selfishness.  As I said, it wasn’t my idea to adopt, and though I care for her, the child doesn’t see me as a real father figure.  I haven't spent all that much time with her, and I don’t sing to her or coddle her, or any such stuff.  Without Vera, there would be only the nurse and the nanny to do such things—and the nurse has already been given her notice, because it’s high time that Cor…Nell…was weaned.  And if the nanny has exclusive care of her, and should decide to leave my employ someday, it would be like losing a mother all over again.  I’m not up to the task of playing both mother and father, Mrs. Jamison.  I didn’t play the father well before my wife died, and I feel even more hard-hearted now than ever before.  It wouldn’t be fair to the child.  Or to you.”